everyone is drunk on something. if you don't believe in anything, you'll die.

i guess that's why i'm writing to you. i need to believe you exist and that you're out there and that you're meant to find me one day.

i hope you are well. i hope you are alive and breathing. you have to be. because i am.

one of my friends told me that once you die, i'll die too. he thinks soulmates die together even if they never meet. he says a soulmate cannot live without their other half.

i find it adorable. that train of thought. i wonder if he only told me of it because i was sad. and i am sad. maybe he did it to cheer me up. i wouldn't know.

maybe he truly believes it. either way, it is a heart-warming thought. i hope it's true, somehow.

i've always lived my life looking for you. i never really gave myself a rest. i always dated and dated and dated. hoping each time, it would be you. but it never was.

maybe it is time for me to rest. maybe you'll come to me yourself when i least expect it.

maybe you're already in my life and i just don't know it. but i will.

i will know eventually. and you will too. because that's what soulmates are.

i'd like to believe that our love would be one of peace and calm. where i wouldn't ever need to worry that you'd replace me for another. because you would appreciate me for me. and love me for me. you'd be too busy admiring me to pay attention to anyone else romantically or sexually.

and i needn't ever worry that you'd leave or abandon me as every man before you have. because you can't. soulmates do not take breaks from each other. they don't need breaks.

soulmates live well in harmony together. they work well together. problems get solved with teamwork before they even fester into bigger problems. that's the kind of love i want and know that i deserve.

there would be no lies. no empty promises. just honesty. plain and simple. whether it hurts us. we will be honest with one another. because mature people know that honesty now is better than feeling betrayed later.

well, i could go on and on about what i think we would be in the future. but that's enough of that for tonight.

i wonder how your day was? it's the 28th of october 2022 today and i am spending the night alone with my cat.

i wished to go outside and party and get drunk. however, it wouldn't do me any good and besides, i don't know anywhere i could go. i'm tired from work as well. i did a lot this week.

my patience has been tested greatly the last few days. i'd like to think i did a pretty good job ignoring false claims about me or when people invite me to a fight.

i have bigger problems. bigger than they can understand. i have a higher purpose as well. i am sure of it.

there are places i have to be one day. there's a reason i am standing. there has to be.

i have not been able to kill myself. and as much as i do not understand it, it seems that others do. it seems that a lot of people believe in me and see the strength in me i do not see.

but one day, i shall see it. i will understand. and by the time i am well enough to stand on my own, i believe that would be the time i meet you.

but until then, i will thread carefully and carve my own path. every decision i make today and tomorrow, will be my own. i have to take responsibility for it and no one else.

on a lighter note, i bought a dress yesterday. and i wish you could see it. i'll try to keep it until i get older. even when it's broken, i might just keep it either way. i want to show it to you.

not in pictures, but in person. and if it still fits me, i shall wear it.

it's something i bought for myself that i am somewhat proud of. i think people would be against it if they found out how much it cost. especially now that i am tight on money. a lot of them would call me stupid, say it's a mistake.

but i made my decision. i wanted to feel good in my body. even if it's on the outside for now. it helps me a little.

i like wearing something i like.

i haven't looked at myself in the mirror for the past four months. yesterday, when i bought it, i did. and today, i did more.

i looked at myself.

and sure, i may still think badly of my own appearance. but i also felt cute.

one day, i know, that this self-hatred will dissipate. i will be able to look at my own body without disgust. and one day, you'll see me, and you'll cry.

and i'll cry too.

we would both cry.

because i'm pretty.

i would cry because i hadn't thought of myself pretty for as long as i could remember. and fully believed it with every fibre of my soul.

you would cry because you wouldn't be able to believe you're marrying someone this pretty.

but then we would laugh. we would laugh at how silly we are.

and it's times like that, i yearn for. the times where we would cry in happiness and laugh together.

we might've been dealt the worst cards in our lives, but being soulmates, i believe makes us the luckiest of all.

two strong people. two survivors.

a love between them would hold strong and last long. because it would be mature, sincere and honest.

i cannot wait to meet you.