Chapter 37

My father was waiting for me in my room when I went back inside.

For a second, I wondered how long he'd been sitting on my couch, waiting for me.

Some vindictive part of me hoped he waited for a while.

I didn't feel like being cordial. "What do you want?" I asked.

"I want us to finish that conversation," my father replied.

I wasn't exactly ready to talk with either of my parents yet, and it just felt like this was just for him, so he could feel less guilty, not for me.

"What is there more to say?" I asked, not getting any closer.

"I'm sorry we failed you as parents Blake," he told me, looking at me straight in the eyes.

Like that could fix everything.

"Are you saying this because you actually feel it, or because you want to make yourself feel better?" I asked, not wanting to sit down with him, and just standing there, with my arms crossed over my chest.

"You've been keeping all this resentment in your heart for long, huh?"

I snorted. "Don't spin this. Don't make this seem like I'm in the wrong."

"I'm not," he replied, looking like he meant it.

But I was still mad.

And hurt.

"You're just here because you're pissed that I made Mom cry," I pointed out.

And I did feel bad about it, but not enough yet to apologize.

"Your mother doesn't know what to tell you so that you'll accept your apology. She feels really bad", Dad tried to explain.

"And what? You want me to apologize for that?" I asked, a little incredulous.

"No. I just want to know what you need from us to feel better," he replied looking earnest. 

It pissed me off.

Why was I the one that was supposed to figure this out? Weren't they the parents? Shouldn't they know? And they had done the wrong thing. So, shouldn't they be the one figuring out what it was they needed to do to make me feel better?

"I wanted you guys to protect me," I said in a small voice.

But it was too late for that.

"I'm sorry Blake, I really am."

"I feel like I'm always going to be this dirty unlovable thing because of her. I feel like I don't deserve anyone good. And I just feel like being intimate with anyone is this thing devoid of feelings," I admitted to him, so he could understand what was going on in my head.

So, he could see what having done nothing to protect me had done to me.

No wonder I'd never been able to have a relationship with Lexi before. It was a miracle I was even having one with her now.

I was much more damaged than I let on. And that was saying something, since I was already such a mess.

"I wish I could turn back time and make everything okay for you Blake. I really do," my father started to say, his voice sad, "In our grief, we neglected you. You were always this independent kid, and back then, we just figured you would know what you needed, so we let you be. We realized too late that you didn't know what you needed, and that you needed us more."

It felt like such a shit answer, even if it was the truth. It did nothing to make me feel better.

I still wanted him to hurt.

"When I tried to kill myself a couple of years back, shouldn't that have been enough to tip you that I wasn't happy?" I never talked about this. Ever. Never even hinted at what I had actually done. But I needed him to understand how serious all of this was. "Kendall had a lot to do with it. All the destructive shit, it was all because of her. But you just let her in our lives, over and over again."

"I'm really sorry Blake," he repeated, tears in his eyes.

"That's the thing though, you're sorry, but it doesn't make things okay. And honestly? I know it's not really your fault. I know it's really Kendall's fault. And I would want to call her and scream at her and blame her for all the things she's done, but you know what? I know exactly how that conversation is going to go. She's going to gaslight me into thinking I'm the problem. She's going to make it about herself. She's going to come up with something so mean that I'll be feeling bad in the end, and she's going to win again. That's the kind of person she is. And we all thought that this was the kind of person Jayden could have actually loved?" I asked a little incredulous.

How could we have been this stupid? Josh had been trying to tell us for years. "Losing him made her bitter," Dad said, trying to excuse her.

Yeah, I was done with that shit.

"No. She was always awful. Losing him just gave her an excuse for it. Like her get out of jail free card."

I wish I could call her and yell at her and tell her Jayden didn't love her, he actually loved Josh.

But then. She probably already knew. There was a reason why Jayden had never let her meet Josh before. He'd been protecting him. He knew exactly how she was.

I couldn't believe I was only figuring this shit out. When all of it seemed so obvious now.

"What can I do Blake? What can me and your mother do to make things better for you?" Dad asked, his voice almost pleading.

"That's the thing Dad, there's just nothing you can do now."

"I'm really sorry. We're really sorry."

I looked in his eyes, empty. "Yeah, me too."

My father looked back in my eyes, seeing the resolved, and just nodded. "Alright, okay," he just said, and then left my room.

I was an awful son.

But he'd been a bad parent, so we were even.

I sat on the edge of my bed after he left, and took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down.

There was no use for the anger. I wouldn't resolve anything.

The truth was, I would love to have an answer for him, a magic trick he could do to suddenly make me forgive him and Mom for what had happened with Kendall. But unfortunately, there was nothing they could do. He could only apologize and that definitely did not feel like enough for me.

At least, in the grand scheme of things, it didn't make a difference about how I felt.

His being sorry didn't make me feel like less of a disgusting human being for sleeping with Kendall. It didn't change the fact that I was scared to be intimate with Lexi.

It made no difference.

And I hated it. Because didn't apologies usually fix everything? Why couldn't it work for me too?

I got up from my bed and took a quick shower, before going to sleep.

It took me hours to fall asleep. I was having the conversation with my father over and over again in my head, but answering him differently each time.

Eventually though, I ran out of comebacks, and managed to doze off.

My head still felt a little off when I woke up in the morning.

I felt like skipping class, but to do what? Stay in bed and wallow in my misery? Stay home and potentially have to talk with my parents again? I needed the distraction of school.

So, I texted Lexi telling her I would be picking her up, and after grabbing a quick breakfast from the kitchen, while being careful not to cross path with my family, headed out.

I put on a The Used album, and yelled along the lyrics, trying to express all that rage inside of me.

It helped a little.

When I parked in front of my girlfriend's house, I didn't even have time to get out of the car, and her and Tyler were heading my way.

Tyler sat in front beside me, while Lexi headed to the backseat.

"Why is Tyler sitting in the front?" I asked while they buckled their seatbelts.

"She lost at rock, paper, scissor," the youngest Grayson explained, like that made sense.

"What?" I just asked, grinning at their antics.

"You've been neglecting me Blakina. I feel like your love for me is dwindling," Tyler replied, patting my cheek.

I patted his back. A little more forcefully. Tyler winced slightly, keeping a fake grin on his face. "Sorry boobear, it won't happen again."

"It better not, I have compromising pictures if you ever have a change of heart," he replied, with a satisfied little smirk.

"Pretty sure I have more compromising pictures than you do," I pointed out.

"Wanna bet?"

"Leave my boyfriend alone," Lexi snapped, slapping the back of her brother's head.

Tyler glared at her, unaffected. "You're just the side piece honey, he's my boyfriend."

Lexi glared back at him and then shook my seat a bit. "Blake? Say something?"

I winced just a little, to make it more dramatic. "I mean..."

"Blake Eaton!" Lexi snapped, slapping my arm.

"Pumpkin! How many times do I have to tell you not to hit the driver?" I reminded her, making sure not to lose focus on the road.

My girlfriend ignored me. "Tyler or me? Choose right now."

I rolled my eyes at her. "You, of course you."

Of course, that got Tyler all riled up. "BLAKINA! What about our eternal love?"

I let out a whining breath. "You Graysons really are a handful."

"Hey!" they both exclaimed at the same time in the same tone, making me grin.

God, I really love these two Graysons.

________________

Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! :D

More angry Blake, but some Blyler in there too. ;P We hadn't seen Tyler in too long. You'll be getting more of him in the next couple of chapters too. But yeah. Blake is still angry. I actually thought about having Blake call Kendall, and mentioned it on Patreon and I was reminded that Kendall was not a good person, and kind of realized that the conversation with her would go exactly how Blake described it. 

So, no Kendall conversation. For now. Maybe eventually. Still don't know how it can end up in a satisfying matter. I feel like the only person that could truly break Kendall is Josh. 

In other news, we changed the time here, so it's like one hour ahead than it normally is, and I'm still all mixed up. It feels like it's one hour earlier still, and I don't enjoy having lost that hour. -_- I am a creature of habit. Bad habits, but still habits.  Also, I started to watch Buffy again. And I am reminded yet again why I love that show so much. I was watching the episode where Buffy's mom is starting to get sick and Buffy is freaking out and her boyfriend Riley becomes a total asshole because Buffy is not relying on him enough. And it's like, how selfish do you have to be to want someone that is going through a hard time to go at it the way you want them to? To make yourself feel better? We all process stress and grief differently. And then, there's soulless Spike that's actually more reliable than Riley. Team Spike forever.

But yeah, I was just watching that episode and thinking about more story ideas again. XD 

Anyway! I shall go back to writing. Not a new story, don't worry. ;P

Thanks for reading this chapter! Love you guys! See you all next week! <3