Chapter 51

Josh hung out with me a bit more after breakfast. He mostly just rambled on about his latest art project.

We stayed clear of Jayden. I felt like he didn't really want us to talk about it again. It might not be the best thing to bring up sad things over and over, after all.

It was good. It felt like everything was normal. Like everything would be okay. We could talk more about Jayden and his feelings later. I wasn't going to push him. I was going to let him open up at his own pace.

After Josh left, I went for a run, enjoying the break from my thoughts. Even if I was going to stop playing football soon, I would never stop running.

Lexi came over to my house after dinner.

"So, what are our evening plans?" my Pumpkin asked, as soon as she walked in, her eyes a little too wicked for my sanity.

She clearly needed to be distracted.

"Well, I thought we could watch a movie here, and this time it wouldn't have to be one of Josh's disgusting suggestions," I offered.

Luckily, as always, my girlfriend was easily distracted so she clapped her hands together, saying, "Oh, movie night!"

I chuckled at her contagious enthusiasm."Yes."

"Any movie in particular?" she asked as I offered her my hand, and we started to walk in the direction of the home theater.

"Whatever you want," I told her with a smile. Anything but Human Centipede really.

"Do you have any Judith Garland movies? Aside from Wizard of Oz? I kinda want to watch an old movie."

"Let's go see," I replied.

In the end, we decided on Girl Crazy and settled in front of the screen.

As always, Lexi's focus was a hundred percent in front of her, so that was a good thing. I didn't have to fight off her advance. She just cuddled into me and watched the screen, engrossed with the movie, looking like she was having the time of her life.

It was really so easy to make Lexi Grayson happy. She was a good example for me, at finding happiness in the simplest things.

Once the movie was over, it was already getting quite late, so we went back to my room hand in hand.

We brushed our teeth side by side, as we usually did.

Lexi took her shower after that, while I wanted in my room.

Well, paced really.

Because I was debating whether I should man up or not.

Finally, before it was too late, I decided to just do it.

I knocked on the door of the bathroom, and asked, loudly enough so Lexi could hear, "Huh, Pumpkin, can I come in?"

"I'm not done yet," she replied in a rush, "give me another like two minutes!"

I could hear the shower running. I cracked the door open so she could hear me clearly. Anyway, I couldn't see anything with the way the bathroom was set up. "Actually, I wanted to talk about something with you... and I just thought since you've been pestering me about having our conversations naked, than maybe I should indulge you on this."

She poked her head out of the shower, hair wet, some shampoo still in it. "Wait, are you serious?"

"I never joke about getting naked."

She narrowed her eyes at me. "That's a lie, you always joke about getting naked."

"Fair point. But I'm not joking. I'm a hundred percent serious," I told her, and she just kept staring at me. "So? Can I come in?"

"Yes! Wait, no."

I frowned, but smiled. I had expected for her to dragged me in the bathroom. This was surprisingly amusing. "No?"

"No, I mean yes! Yes, come in."

I chuckled at her indecisiveness. "You seemed so sure before."

"You're catching me off guard here!" She whined, popping her head back in the shower.

"So?"

"So, yes, yes! Come in!" she yelled and then popped her head back out, "WAIT! You're not allowed to look until you also have all your clothes off! We're doing it at the same time."

I burst into laughter. "What?"

"Take your clothes off with your eyes closed and get in the shower and then you're allowed to look," she explained.

"If I have to close my eyes, than you have to close your eyes too," I bargained.

"Sure, fine, yeah."

"You're making this very complicated," I pointed out, walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind me.

"Just take your clothes off already," she said, and popped her head back in.

"This was a bad idea," I mumbled.

"You"re not allowed to back out now!"

I chuckled at her alarmed tone. "Calm down, calm down, I'm following your orders."

With my eyes clothes, I took my clothes off and then navigated my way into my shower.

I had a big spacious shower. The kind where you could probably have a party in.

So, it wouldn't be too close proximity with Lexi, which would help in not having me combust on the spot.

"You in?" Lexi asked.

"Yes."

"Ready."

"As I'll ever be."

"Alright. On three. One. Two. Three."

We both opened our eyes.

Lexi was standing there naked. And I knew this was what I was going to see when I would open my eyes, but I was still kind of shocked.

I'd seen her breasts. I'd felt her down there. I thought I would be prepared for this. I was... not.

It took all of my self control to not just throw myself at her.

"I don't know if I've said this enough but you're really really beautiful," Lexi said softly, her eyes roaming all over my body.

I took a breath. Looked at her in the eyes. "Thank you, You're also really really beautiful."

"No, but like, I mean it, look at you. I love your chest, but I love your back too, and your arms and your legs and your hands and, you're just too good looking."

"Thank you," I replied, feeling my cheeks heating up even in the warm shower.

"I like that too," she said, a little shyly, pointing between my legs with her chin.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Not too disappointing?"

"It's just wild to me that with all the showing me your sword joke you've made, this is just the first time I'm actually seeing you naked."

I chuckled. This was nice, us joking like this. It made it feel... more reassuring. More like us. "I'm clearly all talk and no show."

"I mean... you're some show," she replied, looking down.

And I was ungracefully semi erect because I was seeing my girlfriend naked and I wasn't unaffected by that.

"Sorry, I don't really have any control over... well this, and yeah, sorry, I just, it's a lot and you're naked and I'm naked and I'm going to shut up now," I rambled.

My Pumpkin was just smirking at me. "With the way you act so awkward, you'd think we were both virgins."

"I might as well be. The sex I've had wasn't exactly special or elaborate. It is something we should talk about."

"Yes, you're right. Serious conversation time. Not just drool over your hot boyfriend time," she said, faking a serious tone, nodding as she spoke.

"Exactly."

I leaned my back against the ceramic wall behind me. Lexi copied my position. We were on opposite side of the shower.

The water was running. I had too many shower heads in there, and for once they were actually useful.

"I just want your to really understand where my head is at. We've talked about this, but not enough. About how my previous experiences were more traumatizing than pleasurable. I'm not used of having someone wanting to have sex with me. Usually it's always felt like it was me pursuing the girl and convincing her that she wanted it. So, you wanting me, being forward like this, it destabilizes me."

Lexi was quiet, just looking at me with kind eyes, so I took a deep breath and continued speaking.

"The thing with Kendall is that she made me feel like sex with her is something I was pressuring her into. She made it feel like it was my idea and something I wanted. It's created the template for all my other encounters. I always felt like it was the only way anyone could want me. If I was pushing for it. Like it was my fault."

Water was still dropping between us. Lexi was patiently listening to me.

"But actually being with her. It felt wrong. It felt really really wrong, it felt like something dirty and bad, and I didn't like it. But Kendall basically forced me into thinking that I had instigated everything and that I should have enjoyed it. It just... I guess wired my brain all wrong after that."

I wiped the water from my face, and took another breath, trying to stay in the present. This was good. This was going to help me. And Lexi deserved to know what I was thinking, and why I was always holding out on her.

"After that, it was just this empty, wrong thing I did, to feel selfish, to remind me how awful of a person I was. I killed my brother and I forced people that didn't want it to have sex with me, and I was a jerk and a manwhore and a generally awful human being, and if I kept reminding myself of this, I could keep punishing myself for killing my brother. And no one reminded me more that I killed my brother than Kendall."

"At the risk of being a broken record, you did not kill your brother Blake," Lexi said softly.

"I know. But it's something I'm always going to have to live with."

My girlfriend looked at me with kind eyes. "I just don't want you to punish yourself anymore. For Jayden. For Kendall. For all the bad things that happened in your life that were absolutely not your fault."

I sighed, feeling like I had some weight coming off my shoulders. "Thank you. And thank you for listening to me."

My Pumpkin grinned back. "Blakey-Boy, I'll gladly have naked conversations with you every day."

I smiled at her, feeling like a weight had been taken off of my chest. "So, now that I've told you all of this," I started to say, "What do you want to do?"

My girlfriend shrugged. "I'm not sure what I want to do honestly. You?"

"I'd really like to not die on the spot because I want you so much," I admitted a little too easily.

"One easy way to fix that," Lexi said, and pushed herself away from the wall, taking one step closer.

I raised my hand, stopping her. "Noooope."

"Fine." Lexi grinned. "I should just give you a hug. For comfort," she said, mischief in her eyes.

She was a little too easy to read here.

"Oh no, not pressing into each other of any kind," I warned her, raising a hand in front of me to keep her away.

"Hey! This is no no-fornication ground," Lexi whined.

"No no-fornication does not automatically equate fornication!"

"Ugh. You're hopeless," Lexi sighed, shaking her head. "Just turn around."

"What?"

"Turn around."

I complied with her demand, a little confused.

Lexi walked up to me and wrapped her arms around my waist, her hands interlocking over my abdomen, her cheeks pressed against my back, as well as her boobs.

Lord have mercy on my very weak soul.

"This is okay, right?" I did not answer. "Blake?"

"Yes, it's okay," I replied. My voice almost cracked.

I felt her lips press against my back.

"I feel like I haven't mentioned it enough because your chest has been so enticing, but your back is really wonderful and deserves as much praise."

I swallowed loudly. "Thank you."

Her hands trailed up, going to my chest. "But I do have a weak spot for this chest."

I couldn't help my grin. "I know."

"And now, I do believe I had to start getting acquainted with a new player," she added, her hands slowly trailing down.

I could guess where her hands were headed. I did not have enough self control to stop them even if my Pumpkin told me to tell her to stop if I didn't want this.

The thing was, I wanted this.

I wanted her hands on me, her mouth on me, everything of her, against all of me.

I wanted every inch of my skin to know her.

And now, her attention was going to a few specific inches.

Her hand wrapped around me. I almost let out an ungodly moan.

Her hand started to move, the other, exploring around.

"So? Do you do this by yourself?" she whispered.

It took me a second too long to answer. "Yes."

"Do you think about me?"

"Yes."

"And what do you imagine me doing?"

My breath was coming out ragged. "Nothing. Everything."

"You were right, this is fun."

"What?"

"You wanting me."

She kept touching me like this, and I felt more and more unhinged.

I was going to need to lean on the shower wall. I was pretty sure my legs were not going to be able to support me very much longer.

It was like it was my hands, but it was her hands and I was going crazy.

It would be so easy, to just turn around and kiss her like I wanted to kiss her and touch her like I wanted to touch her. But if I let myself to that, I'd let myself do more, and if I let myself do more, I was pretty confident I would have zero self control.

And Lexi deserved more for her first time than this.

So, instead I just let her touch me, until I came undone, to the proud satisfaction of my girlfriend, kissing my back.

I left this plane of existence for a second, honestly. I'd never imagined anything like this with Lexi. I'd never let myself imagine too much. It would have been too painful.

But this... this was going to kill me.

After a few more breathless seconds, I turned around and looked down at her smug little grin.

I couldn't press myself into her. I couldn't. I would be unhinged if I did.

Best to keep my dick at a safe distance. So, I pushed her back against the well and dropped to my knees.

"Blake, what—" she didn't get to finish her sentence as I swung one of her legs over my shoulder, kissing the skin of her thigh.

My Pumpkin kind of gasped. I grinned and kept kissing, my lips going dangerously closer to the soft spot between her legs.

I'd never done this to anyone before, but with the way Lexi was suddenly incoherently vocal, her hand gripping my shoulder, her only leg keeping her upright barely doing the job, lead me to believe I wasn't too far off about knowing what to do.

I looked up at Lexi, her head thrown back, eyes clothes, mouth slightly parted, and grinned. "Tell me if I'm doing it wrong."

I did not, in fact, do it wrong.

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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins. A late one, once again, but hopefully still a happy one. ;P

So? Everyone still alive and breathing?  I had warned y'all that they were going to start going to be naughty. mouhahahaha. 

But yeah. Sorry for the late upload. I'm still all over the place because of my weird work schedule. And on top of it, I had to work even more, because apparently no one knows their goddamn schedule and don't come in to work. 8D I actually worked 11 hours on Wednesday. Fun, fun times. I don't get paid enough for this shit. It's like managing a kindergarten. Just two more weeks of this. :')

Alright. I shall go back to writing now while listening on repeat to Volcano by Han. I had major writing block for chapter 52 of Little Bitch and it's the only thing that got me out of it. So yeah. Thanks Hannie. XD

See you all next week! Love you guys! Thanks for being patient with me! <3