Chapter 64

With my parents here, it finally felt like Christmas, even if the day had passed.

We exchanged gift which were mostly just cards with cash in them.

It was fine. Technically I was supposed to go to college next fall. I needed money. It was better than a present I wouldn't have a use for.

It was nice to have my family with me, and to share this with Lexi.

I was pretty sure that this was as good for her as it was for me.

She was always splitting herself in half for everyone around her. It wouldn't have been any different if she had gone with Christmas with her family. She would have been more focused on making everyone happy around her instead of being happy herself.

Here she was allowed to be selfish. Here she didn't have to think about everyone else's happiness. Nobody depended on her, aside from me, from time to time when I needed to be told how a kitchen functioned. And when I wanted to talk about my brother with her.

I wished my brother could have met her. I was sure he would have loved her. They would have gotten along.

My Pumpkin fit right in my family.

She was already instigating the hugs now. That was Eaton behaviour if I'd ever seen it.

I could see that my Pumpkin was happy here, and that was truly the best Christmas present she could give me.

One evening after coming back in the house after getting more firewood from outside, I caught a conversation between Lexi and my grandmother.

"My secret is switching part of the butter with cream cheese. That's what makes them so fluffy," grandma was telling my girlfriend, as they ate cookies sitting around the island.

"I'm already being given baking secrets? I feel very blessed," my Pumpkin replied.

"Of course, you're part of the family now," my grandmother replied easily.

"Thank you," Lexi told her.

I wasn't sure what my grandmother saw in her face at that moment, but she told her, "you're always welcome here, I hope you know this."

"Thank you very much. It really means a lot to me, more than you could know."

"I know it can be daunting to meet your boyfriend's family, so I hope we didn't scare you off too much," Grandma continued.

"I'll admit I was a little worried. But it was for nothing. You've all been really nice."

"I'm glad you're having a good time. And I'm glad you're making my grandson happy. For a while, it felt like we'd lost him too, a little bit, you know?"

It was always sad, to realize how much people around me had been affected by my issues. It been something I thought I was shouldering alone for so long, but I really wasn't.

I figured this was the time to stop eavesdropping, and walked into the room. "Talking about me?"

"Your girlfriend and I are having a moment," my grandmother replied with a smile.

"Is that so?" I chuckled, wrapping my arms around Lexi's shoulders.

"You'll bring her again soon, right?" Grandma asked.

I rolled my eyes a little. "We're not gone yet."

"I just missed you. I'd be happy to see you both again soon."

"Is this a form of guilt tripping?" I joked.

She looked at me with a conspiring grin. "Maybe."

Later that evening, when me and my cousins were all slaphappy from eating too much, and being slightly sleep deprived and maybe just a tiny bit tipsy from sneaking booze from the mini bar, we ended up playing hide and seek in the dark, in the basement, like we used to do when we were younger.

We were kind of taking advantage of the fact that Lexi did not know all of our usual hiding place, and made her the one to seek first.

It was funny though, because we hadn't played in a while and didn't fit in some of the places. Peyton basically got stuck trying to fit in a toy trunk.

All to soon, the holidays were over, and we needed to go back home.

My parents had booked tickets on a different flight, but that wasn't a bad thing, because I wanted to drive off with Lexi alone.

There was somewhere I wanted, needed us to go.

"We're not going on the same road as we did last time," my girlfriend pointed out, sitting beside me, her hand in mine on the console between our two seats.

"We have to stop at one place before leaving," I just replied.

I felt a bit of a knot forming in my throat as I drove to the cemetery.

I assumed Lexi realized where we were going. She'd been here before.

We parked at the cemetery, and made our way on the snow covered ground to my big brother's grave.

I never liked coming to the cemetery in the winter. It felt more depressing.

When we finally reached Jayden's grave, and I saw the flowers there. I was a little disappointed with myself. I should have brought flowers too. Something.

My chest felt stuffy just thinking about Jayden buried under our feet, cold, and alone all the time.

I knew he wasn't actually there, but standing here, I was worrying about leaving him there, without living close to him.

He was buried too far from us. I was pretty sure this was something my parents did one purpose again.

If we had moved close to here, it would have been harder to ignore his death. Being close to his grave made it feel more real, more potent.

Lexi stayed silent beside me, just holding on to my hand comfortingly.

Gathering my courage, I finally said, "Jay, I'd like you to meet Lexi."

Lexi gave me a quick reassuring look, and then stared back at my brother's grave, waving at it. In a soft voice, she said, "Hi Jayden."

I was doing the imagining my life was different thing again, thinking about how Lexi and Jayden would have met if he was still alive. If he would have been only kind to her, or if he would have teased her the way he did me. Would they have become partners in crime? Would they have even liked each other?

My chest felt hollow.

I let go of Lexi's hand and crouched down, wanting to be close to my brother, pressing my hand to the ground, like it could warm him somehow. "I wish you could be here Jay. I wish you could have actually met her. You'd like her. She makes me so happy." My fingers dug into the ground, while Lexi's hand pressed comfortingly against my shoulder. This was hard. And it hurt. But I could power through it. I wasn't alone. "I miss you Jayden. But I don't feel guilty anymore. I know you wouldn't have wanted that. She made me realize that."

Saying these words now, here, they finally truly sank in.

After all this time, mourning my brother, I had thought I'd gone through all the stages of grief, but as I said these words to Jayden's grave, I realized that this was the final one.

This was acceptance.

I hadn't gone through it before. I hadn't left myself feel it, because that would have meant it was time to let go of my grief. And I hadn't been ready to do that.

But now I was.

I would always miss my brother.

I would always be sad of his death.

But this grief wouldn't bring him back. And he would not have wanted me to waste my life away in my sadness. I could see that now. My mind was clear enough to accept this.

I was sad it had taken me so long to realize.

My brother would have only wanted the best for me.

And the least I could do was take care of myself, the way I knew he would have taken care of me.

I stayed there, couched beside my brother. If it hadn't been winter, and if we didn't need to catch our flight, I would have wanted to just sit beside his grave, and talk to him for hours, about what I had done lately, about how I was doing. About all the things I had learned about him since the last time I had been there.

So many things were different now. I knew about his art. I knew about him and Josh.

My brother was practically a different person.

I needed to come back when the weather would be fairer. Maybe with Josh this time. And Lexi too.

Our own little party.

The thought made me feel a little better, so with that resolution, I finally straightened up again, and took my Pumpkin's hand in my own.

As we made our way back to the car, Lexi pulled at my hand, making me stop. She softly took my face between her hands, and I could feel them slightly getting cold from being outside. She stared straight into my eyes. "You are an extraordinary man, Blake. Your brother would be so proud of you."

I really hoped he would have been.

But knowing that Lexi already saw me in such good light was already more than enough.

I really didn't deserve her.

I closed my eyes, leaning into her touch and whispered, "I love you," fighting off the tears that were building up in my eyes.

Not sad one. Grateful ones.

I opened my eyes and looked back in hers, seeing the same love that was probably reflecting in mine.

How grateful was I for my Great Pumpkin. 

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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! (it's still Monday here!)

Sorry for the sucky uploading. I think I needed a longer break. 

And the thing is, I usually have like three chapters in advance written, so it's never an issue to upload on here, but I'm really behind on my writing, and I don't have these chapters written in advance now.

I'm trying to rectify that. 

I'm hoping for a more productive October. I keep saying this, like a broken record, and I keep failing at it though :( But yeah, I have a plan. I'm gonna have more study dates with my friend. I go to my old uni library with her after work, and write until like 10 PM. She studies, and I write, and that way I can't be distracted, and I manage to focus, and I can't do anything else because I have plans with her. So it kinda works out. I'm trying to do it twice a week. Hopefully this is gonna make me more productive. I have so many writing plans, and ideas, and I need to make time for them, and stop being so goddamn distracted, because I'm like, reaaaally reaaaally excited to share all this writing with you guys. So I actually nened to like, write it. XD

Anwyay! I'm gonna leave now. I'm gonna be uploading a Life in Paintings chapter right after this. And then something else this week. I might do a poll to see which story you'd like to have a chapter for on my instagram (instagram.com/kaygiard).

Alrighty! Back to writing! I love you guys! Thank you so much for your patience! See you all next week! <3