Chapter 71

Today was therapy day, and surprisingly, I'd been looking forward to it all week long.

It was a refreshing change, to think that this journey to having a better mental health wasn't something I was dreading now.

Going to see Doctor Boseman didn't feel like a chore, or something painful or something useless.

It was nice to think that I could tell someone about all the things going through my head, knowing I wouldn't worry them, or make them feel like they needed to do something about it.

I could unload without feeling any kind of guilt.

I actually wanted talk about something that had happened his week when I was coming back from working in my painting shed until very late at night.

I'd knocked over a picture of Jayden off a wall while sneaking back in the house.

My response had been immediate. I'd been freaking out, on the verge of hyperventilating, feeling worthless and like a horrible person for destroying something of my brother.

My reflex had been to grab for my phone to talk to Lexi. I knew she'd become a crutch for me. And I wanted to fix that. So, I had put the phone away and resolved to deal with this inner turmoil on my own.

I could rationalize. The frame was broken, but the picture was mostly fine. I could get a new frame, a better one even. Jayden wouldn't have cared. It was an accident.

I wasn't a worthless son unable to do anything right for accidentally knocking a picture off a wall. I would be more careful next time.

I repeated all of that, trying to remember to breathe, and I had managed to deal with the crisis on my own.

I'd felt very proud of myself. And then stupid for being proud of not having a mental breakdown over a broken picture frame.

I hadn't told anyone about any of this, safe for telling my parents I could replace the frame.

And I knew I wanted to talk about this with Doctor Boseman. I wanted to tell him, and I wanted him to confirm I had done good. I needed an external validation, as silly as it was. But I also understood that it was not something I should be seeking from the people around me. And that ultimately, I had to be able to deal with my shit without needing someone to pat me on the head when I did something basic.

Once I sat in front of Dr Boseman and as soon as I was done with my greetings, I told him all of this.

"This is really good Blake," he said, smiling at me.

"Thanks," I smiled back, kinda feeling like a kid proud of showing his ugly drawing. "And as I said, I know it's not that big of a deal, in the grand scheme of things, but it made me realize that if I can deal with little things, I know eventually I'll be able to deal with bigger ones."

"I'm really glad you were able to see that. And it's true. But also, I don't want you to think that it needs to become easy to deal with these emotions for you to be proud of yourself. It will probably always be hard, but at least now you have more of the tools to help you go through these episodes."

I let myself fall back a little on my seat, letting out a breath. "It just sucks that I get hung up on these details, when I know it's not that important in the end, and I know I should just let it go more easily."

"It's not that it's not important though. Don't forget that. If you feel strongly about it, that's all that matters, whether it's important or not. The key is to not let these things consume you. But don't undermine your own feelings and the way you react to things. You need to accept them rather than fight against them."

"I think I'm fighting against a lot of things..." I trailed.

Doctor Boseman looked at me with kind eyes. "Anything else you want to talk about?"

There was, but it still felt kind of weird to talk about my relationship with Lexi, especially the more intimate parts, with someone else.

"I'm still... not ready, I think, for sex, with Lexi. We've... done things, but... I don't know. If we slept together, it would be a point of no return. A line we would be crossing. And I when I don't overthink about it, I want that. But when I let myself think about it, there's a hundred different things that seem to go wrong, and I just kind of panic about it, and I don't know how to deal with any of it."

"Do you want to talk about everything you think that could go wrong?"

Yes. And no.

I didn't exactly want to voice how much I was freaking out for no good reason. But maybe it would help if I did. Maybe it would put things into more perspective.

Maybe saying them out loud would show me how ridiculous they were.

Maybe Dr Boseman would have magical words of wisdoms that would stop be from being a coward when it came to sex with my girlfriend.

"What if she regrets it. I know I regret my fist time. What if it... feels wrong. I keep telling myself it's Lexi, so it shouldn't, but what if it does. What if she doesn't like it. What if I don't. What if we're somehow not compatible. It happens. I pined for Lexi for ten years, so I feel like I have these crazy expectations, but at the same time, it feels weird, and almost wrong, for us to be intimate like that because it's something I thought I would never have. And Lexi seems so casual about al of it. It doesn't feel like she's worried about any of it, or even taking it that seriously."

"Would you want her to be worried about your first time?" Dr Boseman asked.

"No... but at the same time... I never had sex where I felt good about it after. I always felt awful. What if that happens with Lexi too? What if my brain doesn't differentiate between someone I love, and the times I felt used."

"These are all legitimates worries, Blake," Dr Boseman tried to reassure me.

"But maybe these are just excuses because I'm not ready for sex with Lexi right now, and I don't have an actual reason for not wanting that, so I made a bunch up."

"That's possible. But if that's the case you can always remind yourself that you don't need a reason to not want to do something. You don't have to explain yourself. It's your right to not do something. You don't have to say yes to sex because your girlfriend is ready for it, if you're not."

"I just feel... I don't know, inadequate?" I replied, staring at my hands instead of my therapist.

"You can talk about this more in depth with her. Your worries. Communication is key to any relationships."

"But I don't want her to think I don't want her."

Dr Boseman was still looking at me with that kind smile. "You can tell her. I'm sure she doesn't want you to do something you're not ready for. You wouldn't want to force her to do anything, right?"

I nodded. "Right."

"So, I'm sure the same applies for her. If she had all of these worries, would you hold it against her, and be mad at her, and be disappointed with her and think she doesn't love you?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Always try to think about these situations if the roles were reversed. We're often kinder to other people than we are to each other."

I sighed. He was right. But that was something hard to truly drive into my stupid brain.

"I just feel like I keep making our relationship into a problem, and I don't want to go to her again, and tell her all the ways I still doubt... well us, I guess."

"Where do you think that doubt comes from?"

"I don't know..."

But maybe I did know. I knew that as much as I was working on myself and feeling better and better, I still... well hated myself.

I still didn't think I deserved to be loved by Lexi Grayson.

"Something to think about," Dr Boseman trailed, looking at me like he knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Yeah..."

I still definitely had a long way to go.

________________

Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! <3

Sorry, I basically worked all weekend long last week and I had zero time to write. So yeah. Sorry sorry. But this weekend I had my normal three days off, so I've been able to write a bunch. 

I'll post about my new uploading schedule very soon, but basically you shall be getting Virgin and the Whore and Tenth Knot chapters weekly. And a bunch of Life in Paintings chapters in between. And once Life in Paintings is over, it's gonne be 4 chapters of Daisie's Letters, my new story, every week. 

It should be fun! :D

I'm gonna try to be more active on my social medias too. (instagram is kaygiard, and I guess... I should get on TikTok XD) I need to get my head back in the game. 

Gonna try to upload chapters of my other stories here and there too, like Weird and Weirder and Family Crown. 

Anyway! Yeah. A bunch of fun stuff!

Thanks for being patient with me! I have many many plans for this year. I need to finish stories! More writing, less distraction. Let's gooooo!

Alright! Going now! Love you guys! See you all next week! <3