-15- Regret

Yibo had been drinking and crying all evening, while his brother did not leave his side. Even though Hai Kuan is only his big stepbrother, he is probably the only one in his life who was always there for him when he needed him.

Since Yibo was completely drunk, he didn't even know when or how he got into bed. All he knew was that his brother left him at midnight and Yibo had promised him to go to bed right away. But instead, he stayed awake and emptied his liquor bottle.

When Yibo woke up with a bad headache, he was lying in his bed. He was even wearing pajamas and apparently he cleaned everything up, even in his drunken state. Because when he came into his living room, everything was clean. The empty liquor bottle was in the kitchen next to his garbage can, his glass was in the dishwasher, the table was wiped and his clothes that he had on yesterday were neatly folded up on his sofa in the living room.

But the more clear Yibo became in his mind, the more he realized that he could not have done all this. He was way too drunk and he wouldn't have cared.

So he picked up his cell phone and called the only person that came to his mind. "Zhan, I told you I never wanted to see you again. Stay away from me and never come to my apartment again without asking! If you want to do me a favor, find out how to undo this mate thing!"

"Yibo, I know this. And the only way to do that is if one of us dies."

"Well, you've lived 168 years, maybe..." He did not finish the sentence. Instead, he said, "Sorry, that went too far. Please try to find out if there is another way. And until you find something out, stay as far away from me and my apartment as possible. I mean it, I don't want to be with you. So respect that and don't ever invade my privacy again."

"Yibo, what did I ever do to you? Why are you doing this? Can't we at least talk about this normally?"

"No, Zhan. There is nothing left to talk about. I want my quiet and boring life back. I want nothing to do with you and your world. Goodbye." Yibo ended the conversation before Zhan could say anything more. His fear was too great that he would just give in and ask Zhan for forgiveness.

Yibo very much regretted the way he treated Zhan. But if he shows regret now, Zhan will not give up and keep coming back to him. And then he will never get his normal life back.

To convince himself that he is serious about forgetting Zhan, he deleted the two pictures from his cell phone. The bad picture, and the picture that Zhan secretly sent him to surprise him. When both were deleted, he felt as gruesome as never before.

He took a shower, brushed his teeth thoroughly and then sat down at the computer. He worked through the documents for hours, correcting them and sending them to his boss. He then went jogging, put a pack of ready-made pasta in the microwave and ate it while watching a show on TV. At 7 pm he called his father, talked down his usual text, promised to call the next day and finished the conversation.

When he got the impulse to go out on the balcony and watch the sun setting, he simply closed the curtains. He sat back on his sofa and started watching a series on Netflix. He tried everything to distract himself from his thoughts. He ignored his aching heart so as not to simply call Zhan, hear his voice and ask him to come to him.

When he felt tired enough, he went to his bed, closed his eyes and still couldn't fall asleep. Because now, without the TV, music or anything else to distract him, the longing for Zhan came back to him with full force. Crying, he turned on his side, held a pillow in his arms and cried until he fell asleep.

Without the serum, Yibo had his nightmares again. He woke up screaming, sweaty and trembling all over his body, he sat on his bed and waited until his heart had calmed down a bit. Then he got up, went to the bathroom, washed and tried to get tired again with the help of the TV. But it did not work. More and more, Yibo was forced to go outside. But, he could not possibly walk through the forest to the park. Where should he go?

Then he remembered the swings in the yard. He got dressed, left his apartment and went to the playground in his yard, where he sat on a swing. And as he pushed off and swung higher and higher, a memory came to him.

He saw himself as a little boy on the swing at the country house. Zhan gently pushed him and he laughed happily and kept shouting, "Higher ZhanZhanYi, higher." And when he had enough, he let himself fall off the swing in the middle of the sway. Because he knew Zhan would catch him and he wouldn't get a scratch.

The memory hurt Yibo very much. Every fragment of a memory created a sharp pain in his head. And this time it was especially painful, for his head and for his heart.

Yibo sat on the swing for another hour, imagining that Zhan would come to him and just push him, they wouldn't talk. And when Yibo finished swinging, he would let Zhan take him in his arms and go up with him. But, none of that happened and the more time Yibo spends thinking, the more he regrets how he treated Zhan and just wants him back. But he is not brave enough to tell him.

When Yibo went back upstairs, he himself took the bottles of serum back out of his trash can. He put them on his bedside table. And in his cell phone he took the two pictures of Zhan out of the trash again. "I'm sorry Zhan, I just don't know how to deal with all this." He whispered to the picture that Zhan secretly sent him.

The morning Yibo woke up because someone was non stop ringing his doorbell, he realized that he was entrusting something important to his brother and he told it to his father. Because his father stood in front of his door and looked at him worried. Just hearing him was not enough to be angry with him. But to see him now made him really furious with rage.

His father came into Yibo's apartment without being asked and told him to pack his belongings and come back home. Yibo shouted at him to just disappear again and his father stopped in shock. "What did you just say? I should disappear?"

"Yes, go away. This is my apartment, I pay the rent. I'm alone on the lease. And I'm certainly not moving in with a liar like you."

"What do you mean, liar?" Asked his father in shock.

"You and Mom have always lied to me. You're not even my father. You just supported all her lies. Tell me, did you know who she really was?"

His father stared at him with eyes wide open. "You can remember? But your mom said it couldn't just happen."

"Answer my questions! Did you know who she was and what? Did you know about my mate?"

"Yes, Yibo, I knew who she was and I knew who you are. Or what you will become. And I also knew you had a mate."

"Why did she tear me away from him?"

"Your mom grew up as a normal human without knowing that there were all these creatures around us. When your father found her after she was attacked, she stayed with him because he was strong and gave her a good life. When you were born, her happiness was perfect. Until you suddenly found yourself a mate. You were just a baby and there her human instincts were awakening again. She said that she could not allow her child to have a mate and live with him. Growing up as a human, she never learned what mates are, and even when her husband explained what it meant, she did not understand or believe it. She wanted you to grow up normally and spent a year planning how to get you out of all this and away from your mate who never let you out of his sight and was always by your side. She mixed something into the blood mixture of her husband and his clan, when they were all unconscious, she killed them, all of them. She fled with you, but the further she went with you, the worse you suffered. You were still so small. You just passed out one morning and when you woke up, she let you be hypnotized to forget your past. She did it for you and to give you a normal life."

"She was selfish! All my life, as far as I can remember, I have always felt lonely. I suffered from it, even when you and Mom were around me. I just felt really lonely and didn't even know why. Sometimes I lay in my bed and felt this lonely emptiness inside me and started to cry. I often had the feeling that I couldn't take it anymore. You both dragged me to psychologists and psychiatrists, stuffed me with medication because you hoped it would help against my alleged depression. But unconsciously I only missed my mate, didn't I?"

"I guess so. You have to understand, I don't know more than what your mother told me and I often told her to contact your Mate when you were curled up in your bed crying. But your mom feared revenge for the murders she committed and was not willing to let you go. That was her human mother instinct that made her believe that she and her love for you was all you needed. When she was attacked by some survivors from her clan, I told her again to bring you back, release your memories and finally let you be happy again with your mate. I was and am not a vampire, but even I understood how important this mate was to you when I heard you crying in your sleep and calling his name."

"And when mom was killed, why didn't you bring me back to him?"

"Because I didn't know where to go. She never told me where you lived. I didn't know any vampire I could ask."

"So you continued to pretend that I was the one in trouble and in disorder? Couldn't you at least have told me who I really was?"

"And what could I have said? Your mother didn't even know if you'd really become a vampire yourself someday. Look at you, you're 23 years old and still human. Who knows if you will ever become one."

"ZhanZhan was 28 years old when he became one of them."

"And who is this ZhanZhan? Is he your mate? Has he found you? And if so, why are you lonely again?"

"I'm lonely because it's Mom's fault. Yes, he is my mate. And he was the one who protected me from Mom's killer and saved me. But because I grew up as a human being and nobody ever told me about this other world, I can't just be one of them. I have no idea about these things and also not what a mate means. This is all mom's fault. I just know I feel this damn pain inside me, this lonely emptiness when he is not with me. I miss him so much that my heart hurts and I could only scream. But I cannot be his mate. Because I don't understand any of this!"

Yibo's father took him in his arms and told him that he was very sorry and he said: "Then why don't you tell him? Why don't you explain to him how you are? What is bothering you and what you are afraid of, instead of just running away from him? When you told me about your love for this man, you sounded happy for the very first time in your life. You were doing so well and you even became healthier thanks to him. And now? Now you suffer so much. Your face is thinner, you are so pale and your eyes are constantly tearing. Talk to him. Be the one you should always be."

Yibo sank to his knees and his father sat down with him, holding him in his arms and trying to comfort Yibo. But Yibo knew no one could comfort him, no one but Zhan. And that is exactly the one he chased away.