Chapter 4

After returning home, Nunew locked himself in his room all night. His parents knocked repeatedly, their voices thick with worry, but no matter what, he refused to open the door. Finally, at P’Tee’s persuasion, they were forced to swallow their fear and grant him some private space.

​Nunew heard the constant pacing outside his door, but he had no mind left to care. He sat on his bed, arms wrapped tightly around his knees, like a snail that had lost its shell and had nowhere to hide. Tears, unbidden, soaked his lashes.

​His body had somewhat stabilized during the car ride home. Yet, it seemed unable to forget the sensation of trembling from deep within its marrow—nor could it forget the pain etched into the very depths of his soul.

Otherwise, why would his subconscious be in such agony?

​"Zee... Pruk... Panich..."

​Nunew slowly articulated the name that had haunted him for so long. He had never told his family that he often struggled to sleep, especially after returning to Thailand. Since that flight back to Bangkok, even when he tried to push them away, he would hear certain names in his dreams—including this 'Zee'. It was as if the owner of that name had once been very important to him.

​Nunew sat in a daze for a long time before sluggishly climbing off the bed to find his medicine. He poured several pills into his hand and shoved them straight into his mouth, swallowing them whole without a single drop of water. He didn't seem to remember that his medication required being taken after a meal; he only knew that this was the only thing that could momentarily numb the chaotic emotions in his heart.

​Mechanically, Nunew returned to bed, his eyes hollow and unfocused. He felt wretched, wishing at that moment that he had never been born into this world.

Sometimes, trying to exist with a dwindling will to survive is the truest form of hell.

​In the days that followed, Nunew returned to being the Nunew of before. He actively coordinated with his parents to play the role of the frail child in need of nurturing. He remained the little brother who wanted to cling to his older brother. He tried his best to be the family's little sun. It was as if the boy who had been so triggered at Siam Paragon wasn't Nunew at all.

​Seeing him like this, his parents and Tee said nothing more. All they could do was spend as much time with him as possible, striving to create a safe and stable environment for his recovery. Everyone understood that neither Nunew nor they had the strength left to dig up the past.

​After nearly two weeks at home devoted to caring for Nunew, his parents eventually had to head out to manage the family business. Nunew knew little of business matters—especially since his mind hadn't been as sharp since the treatments—so even if he wanted to help, he couldn't. He felt a twinge of guilt for stealing his parents' time.

​He didn't want to be a burden to his family.

​Nunew began thinking about returning to school. He had counted the certificates and medals on the shelf, yet he couldn't find his university degree anywhere. When he asked, his parents simply said that due to his illness, he had to defer his studies to focus on treatment in Australia. However, Nunew had a feeling they were hiding something. They didn't seem to agree with his request to go back to school.

​Is school that terrifying?

Nunew wondered, waiting for the right opportunity to ask Tee for an answer.

​Even though his parents were back at work, Nunew's life didn't change much. They had divided their time clearly so he was never left home alone. If both his parents were out, P’Tee was sure to be off duty and would take him out.

​For instance, today, Tee said he would take Nunew to a place he was certain he'd want to visit.

At first, Nunew thought his brother had discovered a new aquarium. He was wrong.

​When the car stopped, Nunew froze at the sight of the massive sign before the gate: Kasetsart University.

​"This is the school you’re attending."

Tee said casually as he locked the car and began to stroll forward. Seeing the back in front of him, Nunew instinctively grabbed his brother's shirt. Tee glanced back, said nothing, and simply reached out to pull Nunew's cap lower. Only then did Nunew realize he had forgotten to wear a mask today.

​"Let’s go. Experience what it’s like to be a student for a day again."

​With that, Tee draped an arm over his brother's thin shoulders and led him straight into the campus. Nunew was panicked but followed clumsily. Contrary to Nunew’s confusion, Tee seemed to know the way perfectly. Looking at his brother’s manner, Nunew wondered if Tee was an alumnus—or perhaps he had enrolled here because Tee had studied here before.

​"I didn't study here," Tee said.

​Hearing his voice, Nunew realized he had unconsciously voiced his thoughts. Flustered, he looked away to hide his embarrassment. Tee let out a soft chuckle and continued:

​"You probably can't remember, can you?"

​Tee stopped and signaled for Nunew to look up. A clear sign appeared before his eyes, both familiar and strange: The Faculty of Humanities.

​"On your first day here..."

Tee took a step forward, as if revisiting a memory.

"You recorded a video of the whole journey from the gate to the faculty building and sent it to the whole family."

​Nunew followed silently, his eyes scanning every corner of the building. His nails dug into his palms at Tee’s words.

​"I still remember that even though you didn't show your face, I knew for sure you were happy."

​Suddenly, Tee turned around, facing Nunew directly.

"Because I could feel it in your laughter."

​The atmosphere turned chillingly quiet. Nunew swallowed hard; he could almost hear the distant chatter of students echoing from the floor above. He avoided Tee's gaze, unaware that his eyes were already burning with tears.

​Realizing this wasn't the right place to talk, Tee quickly wiped the moisture from Nunew’s face and led him to a relatively secluded corner of the hall. When he decided to bring Nunew to school, he had worried about the crowds, purposely choosing a time just after lunch. Yet, he had forgotten about the student groups working on projects or club activities. It was his mistake.

​"P’Tee," Nunew suddenly spoke once they were settled in a quiet spot.

Tee noticed Nunew covering his face—already hidden by the cap—with his trembling hands.

​"I can't remember what I was like before."

Nunew said with difficulty, his voice choked with emotion.

"But I’m really jealous of him."

​A small, self-deprecating laugh followed. To Tee's ears, that laugh was more painful than crying.

Tee opened his mouth to speak, but ultimately remained silent, sitting beside Nunew until he felt better.

What right do I have to offer comfort when I haven't endured the same suffering?

​For the rest of the day, guided by old videos, Tee managed to take Nunew to several buildings on the Kasetsart campus. Throughout the walk, Nunew kept one hand on his brother’s shirt and the other clutching his cap. Whenever they passed a crowded area, he would shrink back, huddling behind Tee.

​However, there was a minor incident at the end of the day. With their natural good looks, the Perdpiriyawong brothers attracted many gazes without even trying. When Tee noticed a few phone lenses pointed in their direction, he hurried to shield his brother and escorted him back to the parking lot.

​Tee wasn't sure if anyone had snapped a photo of Nunew, but either way, they couldn't stay any longer. He didn't mind if he was photographed, but he was terrified of his brother falling into someone else's lens. His brother had struggled so much just to return home; he didn't want to see him forced to leave again.

​The dust-covered past is always a yearning that cannot be denied.

As long as the injustices Nunew suffered haven't been fully cleared, Tee couldn't rest easy letting go of his hand on the journey to adulthood. Before his brother became a public figure to be praised or insulted, he was just a growing boy who deserved the love of his brother and parents. Thinking of the individuals who contributed to the current situation, Tee gripped the steering wheel tight.

​Don't even dream of taking his brother away.