Bloodlines Of Fortune

by storiesxbangtan

For those of you who haven't read the story yet, kindly be warned that there are spoilers ahead

♥︎ Cover: _2_/10

Firstly, although the cover clearly depicts the story's two protagonists, Yoongi and Jimin, it appears to be a little too plain for my taste. Some areas for improvement would be, the font style and the color of the text (both title and author's name) should be changed to something that contrasts well with the cover. The current font color is blended into the cover, making it hard to read at first glance. The font style could also be changed to something more attractive.

Moreover, the cover needs some good editing. It would work well with a better color scheme and eye-catching edits to better suit the story's ambiance. For this, I suggest the author get some help from a good graphic designer on Wattpad to make the necessary improvements to the cover.

♥︎ Title: 4_/5

At first glance, I didn't see anything wrong with the title. It corresponds to the main storyline in which Jimin has to marry Yoongi for the sake of continuing the legacy of his family business. 'Bloodline' refers to the family legacy while the 'fortune' probably implies the successful family business. Also, maybe it's me just overanalyzing again but 'Bloodline' could also be interpreted as a foreshadowing of the battle between Yoongi's brother and Leukemia since Leukemia is a type of cancer found in blood cells.

 However, I feel that a definite article should be added to the title and switch to 'The Bloodlines Of Fortune.'

♥︎ Blurb: _6_/10

The current blurb gives the readers a brief insight into the personality of Yoongi whom Jimin is supposed to marry and he is said to hide a mysterious secret regarding himself and his family. The mention of the secret behind the Min Corporations sparked a sense of curiosity within me to read the book.

However, some flaws that I noticed in the blurb was that though the personality of Yoongi has been mentioned, it would be better to describe Jimin's character as well alongside it as they both are the main characters. Listing out their individual personalities could help the readers clearly identify any conflicts between their personalities that could heighten the tension of the story.

In addition, it would be best to describe Jimin's initial reaction to the news of him having to marry Yoongi; is it one of excitement or doom? Again, this heightens the suspense of the story and leaves the readers guessing how it would end.

Moreover, there are some punctuation mistakes in the blurb such as it should be "Park Jimin, the son of Park Clan, is married to the CEO of Min Co." In my opinion, I feel like the same blurb could have been rephrased in a better way. For instance, in the following way;

"Meet Park Jimin, the heir to the prestigious Park Enterprises who is soon to be wedded to Min Yoongi, the CEO of the renowned Min Corporations. At first glance, Jimin perceives Yoongi to be a man of formidable ambition and possessing a personality as keen as a hawk. Little does he know that underneath the well-crafted facade lies a hidden truth about Yoongi and the Min Corporations. A truth that would completely change Jimin's perception of his lover forever."

♥︎ First Chapter: _7_/10

Before the first chapter, a chapter explains the two protagonists' (Yoongi and Jimin) personalities to the readers. As you all may have often found me mentioning in many other reviews, it is advised to introduce the characters as the story progresses instead of having a separate page where all the characters throughout the book are introduced to the readers at once.

First of all, it would be difficult for the readers to absorb all the characters' personalities and roles in the story when they're introduced to them all at once. However, since this story introduced only the two main characters, it is not as hard to keep track of them, but it wouldn't be so easy for a book that has multiple characters.

Moreover, most readers tend to like figuring out the characters as they read on. It's kind of like being a detective putting all the pieces of the puzzle together, rather than having all the information just fed to them. 

For instance, if the author wants to show that Jimin is a fashion designer and model, they could have shown a scene where Jimin is perhaps sketching out some new outfit designs and then later getting a call for an important modeling shoot. Leaving clues like these allows the readers to put them together to figure out what Jimin's occupation is rather than the author beforehand listing it out in a separate chapter.

Now that we have discussed the character introduction page, let's move on to the first chapter. Before officially beginning the chapter, the author has inserted a side note explaining the background of Yoongi's family and the age gaps between Yoongi and Jimin. It's said that Yoongi's older brother suffers from Leukemia and Yoongi is his main blood donor to ensure his fast recovery.

I believe it's best to refrain from unnecessarily breaking the fourth wall in this manner. Instead, the author could have inserted a scene where Yoongi is by the bedside of his older brother in the hospital where they have a heartfelt talk about how painful it has been for both Yoongi and his family to deal with his sibling's Leukemia.

In the same conversation, there could be some titbits added to it where the author explains the age gap cleverly. 

For instance, Yoongi can have a conversation with his brother where he wonders whether his brother will recover soon enough to celebrate his 28th birthday this year. Then the conversation would go on to his brother talking to Yoongi about how he understands how Yoongi must be feeling being second-best and used as a blood donor for him because his parents had Yoongi 4 years after to save him. 

Then the readers could piece the information together to discover that if Yoongi's brother is celebrating his 28th birthday this year, and if Yoongi's parents had Yoongi 4 years later, then in conclusion Yoongi should be 24 years old.

That's one way where the author can introduce any information in the story by adding it to the actual storyline without breaking the 4th wall and as a result not breaking the enjoyment.

Other than that, we are introduced to the relationship dynamics between Yoongi and his parents where his parents treat him as nothing more than a donor for his older brother.

The part that infuriated me was when Yoongi's mom got mad at Yoongi for not taking care of himself, not out of concern for the well-being of her youngest son but because they would be losing their eldest son's main donor if anything happened to Yoongi. That is one despicable pair of parents!

Yoongi is described to be quite fond of his brother despite what his parents are putting him through to save him. He is seen to be making many sacrifices to ensure his brother's fast recovery, yet he yearns for his parent's love and acceptance. This is an intriguing character arc because it discusses the concept of 'the heir and the spare', where Yoongi is merely treated as a spare for his older brother.

Moving on, we are introduced to the scene where the proposal between Jimin and Yoongi's marriage is being discussed by the parents. 

The part that didn't sit right with me was that soon after casually finalizing Jimin and Yoongi's marriage, Yoongi's reaction to the news was not portrayed in the chapter. In the character introduction, it is said that Yoongi is an obedient son, so maybe he didn't protest in order to be true to his character. However, I feel like the author could have at least added a paragraph on his train of thought as a reaction to this news.

Other than that, the first chapter went quite well. There were some typos and slight punctuation errors but the writing style is smooth and didn't contain a lot of errors. 

♥︎ Grammar and vocabulary: _11_/15

What I personally like about the author's writing style is that it is simple and easy to understand. There aren't any overly complicated words used unnecessarily. The author possesses a fair enough vocabulary and sentence structuring to convey the thoughts and emotions in the story. However, there is room for improvement. I'd advise them to focus more on their descriptive writing and visual imagery because the lack of such things made the scenes appear a little dull.

The author needs to pay more attention to proper punctuation in the sentences because it disrupted my reading flow several times and often got me misunderstanding some scenes. For instance, the sentence 'The CEO walks into his father's office and finds his mother, the Vice Chairman of Park Enterprises, and his wife waiting for him.' sounded a little too confusing to me. It sounds better when it has been rephrased as below;

"The CEO walks into his father's office. Standing by his father's side, he is met with three figures awaiting him; his mother, the Vice Chairman of Park Enterprises along with his wife."

Furthermore, I couldn't help but notice that in certain situations the author had experienced some minor confusion in choosing the appropriate tense to lead the story. For instance, the majority of this story has been narrated in the present tense. However, I came across some areas where the author had suddenly started narrating the story in the past tense.

An example of this is mostly when using the word 'asked'. The story would be narrated in the present tense but when it comes to character dialogues, instead of it being said for example, "This is it?" asks Jimin, it had been written as "This is it?" asked Jimin. Make sure to follow a fixed tense when narrating the story in order to not confuse the readers, Only change it when it's absolutely necessary such as in the instances of flashbacks.

Moreover, make sure that the first letter at the beginning of a sentence begins with a capital letter. Also, avoid randomly capitalizing letters in the middle of texts unless you're stating a name, brand, or title. I came across many instances where the word 'Younger' was capitalized in between texts.

Similarly, the sentence "I will give you a month, in that if you can make a model of your project. I will sign this merger, but if you fail then the Cassano corporation..." can be rephrased as follows;

"I will give you a month to make a model of your project. If you succeed, I will sign this merger. If you fail, then the Cassano corporation..."

In my opinion, removing the 'but' and separating the sentence into two, makes it sound more authoritative. 

Moving on, the most important issue that I want to address is the dialogue between the characters. There just isn't a sufficient amount of dialogue to carry the story and I feel like this is a huge flaw in the story. From what I observed, the author only narrates the story in the third person point of view most of the time, and I found less amount of spoken conversations between the characters. Especially in the scene where Jimin and Yoongi had their first private conversation, I was quite disappointed to see that not much was said between the two despite having a golden opportunity to get to know each other.

Adding dialogue helps build rapport with the characters, makes the readers immerse themselves in a scene and it also helps them to understand the character's personalities and viewpoints when it's being spoken from their own mouths. 

In the scene of Jimin and Yoongi's private conversation, they could have had some kind of witty banter, a heartfelt discussion about something personal maybe about Yoongi's sick brother or even just given each other glimpses into their personalities through the use of dialogue. Instead, the author had said that they talked about various topics and interests without clearly specifying them with the character's own words. 

As a result, I ended up feeling a loss of connection with the characters, especially since most readers tend to eagerly anticipate the first conversation between the two love interests to witness them forming a bond. However, in this case, it had not been written properly. Therefore, going forward, I advise the author to add dialogue in between scenes to make them come to life and to also make the readers ship the bond between the characters.

♥︎ Plot: __7/10

Although adding the struggle of Yoongi's older brother going through Leukemia and Yoongi feeling like the spare did make me find the story to be interesting, the plot however is not that entirely unique. Many ships between the members involving an arranged marriage are quite popular on Wattpad. However, since this story is still at its introductory stage with so far consisting of 5 chapters, I'm hoping the author has more surprises up their sleeves for the upcoming chapters.

♥︎ Creativity: _3_/10

Unfortunately, in my opinion, the story lacked creativity making it appear too stiff and bland at certain points. In the future, I suggest the author use creative graphics such as covers, mood boards, and playlists, and change the settings every now and then to convey the overall aesthetic of the fanfiction. While at it, it would be best to research more on how to make your plot more creative considering that it is an overused trope nowadays. Make your story stand out from the rest!

♥︎ Pace: __7/10

I didn't have a huge issue with the pace of the story, however, the lack of dialogue did make it appear a little too rushed. On the other hand, I noticed some issues with the pace of the relationship between Jimin and Yoongi. 

As I have mentioned before, since the contents of the very first conversation between Jimin and Yoongi have not been clearly documented through memorable dialogues, it's hard for the readers to identify the turning point that caused the two gentlemen to bond with each other.

Therefore, the following day in the story when Yoongi receives a short text from Jimin, he can't help but smile and the author hints that he is falling in love. As a result of their bonding not being conveyed properly, I personally felt that the relationship was going too fast. What made Yoongi like Jimin so much despite them only talking about business for their first conversation? Sure, they must have spoken about other topics that they could have bonded over, but the author has not included them in the dialogues, so it left me feeling clueless.

♥︎ Character development: __7/10

As for the characters, I like Yoongi's character. I resonate well with his yearning to make his family appreciate him the same way they do for his older brother. It's also heartwarming to see how much he is willing to sacrifice for his brother. 

However, I expected to see more hints at Jimin's backstory and his viewpoints in life. While I was able to connect deeply with Yoongi, Jimin felt more of a stranger to me. Therefore, I hope in future chapters, the author will not forget to shine the spotlight on Jimin as well. 

As for the relationship dynamic between Jimin and Yoongi, I couldn't help but feel that it could have been written better. The lack of interaction between them did not make me feel the chemistry between the two of them. To resolve this flaw, I suggest the author show more scenes where Jimin and Yoongi openly interact with each other to show their personalities and let the readers see how compatible they are with one another to build up their chemistry. In these interactions, rather than discussing only corporate matters, it would be best if they talked about their personal lives with each other as well.

Finally, as for the side characters, apart from Jimin and Yoongi's parents and some CEOs they happen to meet during their business ventures, I didn't come across any notable side characters, but that's alright since the story only has 5 chapters so far. I hope the author will introduce more characters and give them depth and backstories to make the readers better resonate with them, rather than only letting the main protagonists get all of the spotlight.

♥︎ Emotions: _7_/10

Despite not having many chapters in the story to analyze the author's skill of conveying emotions, they did succeed in making me feel for Yoongi on how he views himself as second best compared to his brother and how mistreated he feels while his parents treat him as a spare. Make sure to emphasize your emotion-conveying skills when it comes to writing about Jimin and Yoongi interacting in future chapters to strengthen their bond and how they see each other.

~Final Note~

Upon reading the first five chapters published so far of 'Bloodlines Of Fortune', I'd say that it is a BTS Yoonmin Arranged Marriage fanfiction with so much potential. The author possesses a remarkable and quite capable skill at writing. However, it needs to be polished by minimizing the recurring typos, awkward sentence structuring in some areas, and punctuation errors. It wouldn't hurt to throw some descriptive language into the mix as well. Make sure to add more dialogues between characters and throw in some sprinkles of creative aspects into the story to make it stand out. Within no time, I'm sure that this book will reach outstanding heights!

Cheers, author! 

~Jinleen

♥︎ Total: 61/100