( FAYE )

my heart races as i search frantically through the room, tossing aside pillows and rifling through drawers.

the gravity of panic settles into my chest, its oppressive weight constricting around my heart with a relentless grip.

every flicker of hope is snuffed out as the seconds tick by, and the realization of loss cuts through me like a shard of glass.

this journal isn't just a collection of words; it's my sanctuary. the place where my thoughts find peace, where the chaos in my mind finds order.

it's a compendium of my vulnerabilities, fears, and dreams, a silent confidant that now seems to mock me with its absence.

desperation pushes me to retrace my steps, revisiting every place that i've been yesterday.

i comb through the areas in the house that i frequent, retracing the contours of my life in hopes of stumbling upon that significant notebook.

the fear of someone else, specifically sadie, discovering my unfiltered words and vulnerability heightens my anxiety.

as the minutes turn into hours, my panic transforms into a desperate plea to the universe.

not knowing what else to do, i go to sadie.

"i can't find my journal" my breaths are quick, my eyes bearing the weight of worry.

she furrows her brows, glancing up at me from the sofa. "are you sure? did you look for it?"

i exhale in frustration. "ofcourse i looked for it! i can't find it, it's nowhere" my voice trembles slightly.

sadie raises her brows. "calm down, faye. it's just a journal... what's the big deal?"

my anxiety intensifies, a torrent of emotions cascading through me.

her nonchalance wasn't making this easier.

"it's more than just a journal, sades" i sigh.

"it's like... a part of me. i know that sounds extremely stupid but it's true"

my attempt at conveying the depth of my attachment fails, an impatient sigh escaping the redheads lips. "come on, faye"

"you're making this into a way bigger deal than it is. it's just some writings, start a new one"

the dismissal cuts through my vulnerability, leaving me feeling unheard and invalidated.

nonetheless, i cling onto the hope that somehow, my journal will find its way back to me.

until then, i'm left longing for the therapeutic sense it had always provided me.

— ★ —

even whilst surrounded by the clinking of glasses, laughter, and the rhythmic hum of conversation, i'm trapped in a sea of emptiness.

attending sadies friends dinner party feels like entering a realm where smiles become my armor, and a facade of collected composure must shield any inkling of my turmoil.

this is my first chance at impressing her close friends, outside of her coworkers. there's no way i'm allowing my distress to spoil this.

i try my hardest to muster a smile, to engage in light banter around the room, but each attempt feels like an anchor dragging me deeper into the abyss of my own thoughts.

plates adorn the table; i pick at my food, the flavors dull and lifeless on my palate.

sadie is absorbed in discussions with her friends, worlds away from my solitude.

"faye, you've been unusually quiet tonight. is everything okay?"

i force a smile, trying to brush off sadies concern. "yeah, just a bit tired, you know?"

she nods, not hesitating before continuing to chat with her friends.

"oh, hey! faye, you work at artscape, right?"

the abrupt inquiry startles me, pulling me away from the relentless torment of my own thoughts, and back to the dinner table.

i clear my throat before smiling. "yeah, i do"

"huh... do they just pay you to stare at paint splatters and call it a days work?" an unknown face quips, resulting in stifled laughter around the table.

"actually, artscape is a pretty renowned institution that's dedicated to fostering creativity and innovation" i attempt to defend my workplace, fidgeting with my hands beneath the table.

sadie dismissively waves her hand. "well, i'm sure it's very... innovative"

feeling more silent laughter laid on me, i speak again. "uh... well i mean, art has the power to evoke emotions, challenge perspectives—"

i'm interrupted by a smirking stranger. "sounds like a fancy way of saying you get paid to daydream"

the playful comments continue, each one chipping away at the value i find in my work.

a feigned grin remains plastered on my face, accompanied by the forced chuckles.

sadie, caught up in the banter, laughs along, unknowingly contributing to the undermining.

my passion is reduced to a mere punchline.

even after the conversation moves on, the residue of the subtle taunts linger; they only seem to add to the complex jumble of my emotions.

within a few moments, i excuse myself to the balcony, hoping the cool night air can dispel the heaviness in my chest.

although sadies friends seem insufferable, this one does have a beautiful home.

the house exudes futuristic elements with a touch of horror film ambiance, providing an eerie sensation across three stories.

not to my surprise, the redhead didn't take any notice to my sudden departure.

standing on the balcony, i stare at the city lights. the distant sounds of the party echo behind me.

a few minutes pass by before a silhouette joins me on the cold tiles.

"what's going on, faye? you're sort of ruining the mood here"

i face her, finally cracking. "i can't do this anymore. i want to go home"

"what are you talking about? it's just dinner. why are you always like this?"

i exhale. "it's not just tonight! it's everything"

"i swear if this is about that fucking journal" she snickers. "get over it, use a new one. it's really not as big as you're making it out to be"

"and hey" she speaks again. "why don't you just use the one i bought you at christmas?"

i stare at her dumbfounded. "i'm not using that"

"why not?" she shrugs her shoulders.

"it's tainted! it's just a constant reminder of that christmas party, it can't be my new safe space"

she groans. "a notebook can't be your safe space! do you realise how ridiculous you sound?"

as my silence envelopes her, she takes a deep breath. "faye, you don't need a journal. just talk to me when you need to. i'm your girlfriend, i'm supposed to be your safe space"

her voice is soft. "you can always talk to me"

a sigh escapes my lips. "can we please go home?"

"no" she objects. "i haven't seen my friends in a while... because of you, may i add"

"you can stay" my eyes drop down, not wishing to meet hers.

"i'll call an uber and head out, you can tell them i felt sick or something. i'll see you at home"

my legs guide me past her side, and out the balcony, without looking back.

— ★ —

marcus

hey
u busy??

OMG HI
YES
I MEAN NO
no im not busy

i need someone to talk to rn

is something wrong?
did someone die

no.
again, no one died.

aw man
people don't die
like they used to no more

yea i'm just not gonna ask

so what's up

i have this problem

you gotta be a little more specific

uhh
well
hypothetically speaking

yes yes
hypothetically ofc.

imagine i moved away from
finn because of a fight over my
relationship with someone, and
then started living with that someone

oh

and then had issues with that person
like not any full blown arguments but
hypothetically,
there's this wordless tension between us
like not a good tension
it just makes me feel bad all the time
i'm always somewhat sad for no reason

hm

and dude
nothing about her makes me happy anymore
nothing about us feels the same
i'm just so done
(hypothetically)

i see
well
if u want my hypothetical opinion...
hypothetically, your hypothetical
self should hypothetically talk to
hypothetical finn and hypothetically
solve whatever hypothetical
problems you hypothetically have

what

talk to finn.

wow!!!
that never crossed my mind!!!
thank you so much 👏👏👏

hey
i'm not the one you're mad at
atleast not at this moment.

yeah
i'm sorry
i just dont know what to do
like yeah i could call finn but
i can't face him this soon
that's so... embarrassing

embarrassing?

i don't know
maybe it's just my emotional ass talking
but i think he was right about sadie
i mean... my hypothetical partner

hm
you can figure that out
just please fix the finn issue
you shouldn't be avoiding eachother
you're supposed to be inseparable !!

:)
it's nice i can still come to you

it's nice that you came to me :)

★ authors note ,,

would anyone read a f.w x female oc book written by a lesbian with a terrible concept of straight romance?? lmk cause i have an idea