XII || invalid emotions

LONDON
June
Location: Jaxen's house

━━━━━━━━━━

"Are you for real?" I asked Vivienne, rolling my eyes in disbelief that she doesn't even seem at all surprised at my revelation. "I could be like a three-headed Cerberus or tall as fuck Centaur hiding beneath human skin."

"Well, I'm still alive despite having lived with you for many years. So, what danger do you pose to Seth and me?" Vivienne returned with another question, before adding, "Honestly, some things don't add up anymore if you're really human."

"What do you mean by that?" I frowned. 

Vivienne explained, "When we used to stay together in Styx, Harod reminded me to watch over you when you sleep. He told me that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone what I saw." 

"What did I do?" I gasped, suddenly afraid of what Vivienne knew about me all these years, but refused to tell me. 

"You used to sleepwalk a lot, Ivy-Bug," Vivienne said. "But the weirdest thing was that you simply disappeared. There was once, you disappeared right before my eyes. Like poof and you're gone! I panicked when I first saw that, but after learning that you'd always return before daytime arrives, I just made sure that you were with me when we woke up together in the morning." 

"Has it never crossed your mind to tell me about these?" I questioned, not knowing all that Vivienne had mentioned before. I remembered I had a lot of trouble sleeping well when I was younger, but the psychiatrist back in Styx associated it with the stress I suffered from my parents' passing and being trafficked in the black market. 

"Harod told me to keep everything a secret, even towards you. I was young but not dumb enough to know that that wasn't something a normal human could accomplish," Vivienne shrugged. "I would've told you if I was allowed to, but Harod told me that something grave would happen to you if you knew what I saw. So, I've waited for the day you realised it yourself, and we can talk about it." 

"None of these were random," I sighed. "For Harod to find me, for us to be transferred to Lethe, and for Jax to be my mentor. It was all part of the plan." 

"Here's the part I wanted to learn." Vivienne arched her brows and her voice fell a little when she mentioned, "I also want to know what happened when you disappeared. You know, you disappeared in the same manner as Xav. Could he be alive somewhere, too?"

I flinched at the mention of Xavier's name, knowing that I had forgotten about this whole thing when I was too preoccupied by my ordeal. I choked on my words, "Viv—"

"I understand that you wouldn't possibly know where Xav is," Vivienne let out a humourless laugh, shifting uncomfortably as she tried to explain, "I just wanted to know, if there might be a chance that he's still alive? What if he's still alive?"

It was such a difficult thing to speak of, but I knew how haunting grief worked. This inability to erase the existence of someone in your memories would always be a painful reminder that stays with you for the rest of your life. Honestly, walking out of the moping sadness was so much easier than trying to stop finding traces of this person in every single corner of your life. 

Guilt was crushing me against my chest, but I decided to speak. I said, "Viv, Xav's gone." 

"Maybe he's just somewhere else, right?" Vivienne started to panic, and I knew it was denial clouding her senses again. 

"No, dearest," I stated firmly. "Xavier is gone because Sebastian killed him." 

Vivienne exhaled, "What?"

"When they caught me, I was brought to their facility. I saw Sebastian there, alive and well." I started recounting for her. "Sebastian was working under the Titans, those despicable beings that belonged to the depths of Tartarus." 

"This doesn't make sense—"

"Listen to me first, Viv," I interjected, wishing so badly that I could be right beside her because all that I would say next would be harder to swallow. "Sebastian told me that there were six of them at the facility." 

"Six?" 

"Yes," I nodded. "Roman and Xavier refused to serve, so the six killed them." 

Vivienne held a hand over her mouth, and I could no longer see her from my screen. I knew it was a difficult truth to accept. With a sigh, I said softly, "Viv, I know you can still hear me. I just wanted to apologise for this. For some reason, I felt responsible. Thinking back now, my grief wasn't valid. I should've been there for you when you were mourning over Xavier's death." 

It was a long moment before I heard some shuffling, and Vivienne appeared on my screen again. Her eyes were teary and bloodshot and it was needless to say that she needed a few moments to cry after such a heart-wrenching news dawned upon her. She sighed, "Iva, you never had to apologise for anyone, and you never had to shoulder another person's betrayal." 

"Viv—"

"Back then, none of us were in good shape. That whole incident complicated you further." Vivienne said. "Out of the three of us, you were brought into Styx with the worst circumstances. I was picked up from the streets, and Sethie was adopted from the catholic church. You were the only one who was brought in all beaten and wrecked from the black market. It took you a long time to be close to people again and Sebastian happened to open your heart back then. When you woke up again, knowing that everyone who went through that mission was possibly dead, you had a good reason to grieve. You had a good reason to be that way. Don't ever apologise for that." 

"I felt horrible still." 

"I'm actually relieved, Iva," Vivienne smiled. "At the very least, Xav remained a good person in my heart. At least, he's not one of them."

I paused at Vivienne's words before sighing, "You're right. At least, he's not one of them." 

"I finally had an answer to everything after all these years. Although I wouldn't choose to hear it in such a manner. I knew you went through a lot in that facility," Vivienne mumbled. "You were all shaken up when Jax brought you back to Lethe." 

It was difficult to speak of everything that happened back there — all the fear, anxiety and anger. I couldn't even begin to imagine how I managed to pull through until rescue arrived. It was almost impossible to recount everything in detail, but I just told Vivienne briefly of all that happened. I also told her about the dreams that I had, no matter how ridiculous they sounded.

 "Daughter of Morpheus?" Vivienne breathed. "That made absolute sense of your weird sleeping habits." 

"I'm beyond confused right now," I retorted. 

"Well, there's a fact to be happy about: Aphrodite gave you a hot husband," Vivienne joked. "Who would've imagined that we are living among the Gods and Goddesses?" 

Rolling my eyes, I said, "Rather, I was given to Thanatos — like a thing." 

"I don't think Jaxen ever thought of you that way," Vivienne suggested. "Everything can be part of a plan, but falling in love could be a blessing. You might've been a blessing that Jaxen waited in the eons of his immortal life." 

"You're too romantic to be rational," I added. 

"Love isn't supposed to be rational, girlfriend," Vivienne explained, her head suddenly turned to look at her watch. She grumbled a little and waved a quick goodbye towards me, while complaining, "Well, I've got to make a run. Mission call." 

"Go ahead." 

"You know that I'm always here for you, Iva," Vivienne reminded. 

"I know, thank you," I said. 

"That's what family does," Vivienne pecked a kiss towards the screen. "See you soon, Ivy-Bug. Love you!" 

"Love you too, Viv." 

When Vivienne hung up the call, silence permeated my room again, and I plopped my back into the softness beneath me again. I swung my limbs against the white sheets like how people make snow angels. A sigh tumbled past my lips, and I stared blankly at the ceiling above me until a click on the door caused me to jackknife into a sitting position. 

I asked, "Who?" 

A small figure appeared from the gap left open by the ajar door, and my mood instantly lifted. Thea took a peek at me, seemingly a little afraid to enter and disturb my peace. I quickly crawled out of the thick blanket and cooed, "Don't just stand there, sweetheart. Come on in."

A wide smile broke from the corners of the child's lips, and she quickly pushed the door open and ran into the room, squealing as she rushed towards me, "Iva!" 

I caught her and wrapped my arms tightly, burying my face against the slightly messy honey-brown curls atop her head. I murmured, "Aw, I missed you so much."

"Thea misses you too," the child replied, clinging tightly onto me before she pecked a sounding kiss on my cheek.

Holding onto her, I fell us back against the bed and we were chuckling happily while having fun with each other. Brushing the little curls away from her small face, I stared towards her large, honey-brown eyes and it immediately reminded me of Olivia. Thea resembled her so much — their eyes and hair had the same shade and brightness. 

My thumb swept tenderly across her chubby, pink cheeks as I requested, "Thea, can I ask you something?" 

The child nodded, staring eagerly at me as she waited for me to speak again. I wouldn't know if a 5-year-old could comprehend, but I asked anyway, "Were you mad when you knew that Jax wasn't your real Dad?" 

"Yeah, and Thea was sad too," the child explained. "But it wasn't Daddy's fault. It wasn't Thea's real Daddy and Mommy's fault either." 

"Then whose fault was it?" 

Thea seemed shocked at the question and mentioned, "Did Daddy make you mad, Iva?"

I looked towards the 5-year-old ahead of me and I shook my head, "No, sweetheart."

"But Daddy seemed sad," the child's lips curved downward into a frown. 

"Why did you say so?" I asked, sitting her on my lap as I tugged her closer to me. 

"Daddy sat in front of the piano for a long time now," Thea explained. "He hasn't moved for a while." 

An image flashed across my mind as I burst out a chuckle while joking with Thea, "Your dad became a stone, huh?" 

"Yes, he did," the child laughed happily in return. 

"Should we go and find him?" 

"You've got to wake the prince up with a kiss," Thea grinned cheekily, pressing her lips onto my cheek again almost forcefully. "Like this."

I turned to face Thea and tapped her nose lightly, "What has Jax been teaching you all along?"

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