7. Stressing Out

       I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t toss and turn, because it’d wake Peeta up, and I didn’t want to do that to him. I just had to bear being restless in silence in his embrace. Peeta would definitely not like my mood tomorrow if I didn’t get any sleep soon.

            Peeta was sleeping soundly as usual compared to me. I really wanted to do that right now, be in a sound sleep. Since I couldn’t keep my eyes shut, I just watched him sleep the night away while I agonizingly, slowly, became more sleep deprived.

I felt bad for Peeta. He was totally unaware of what was really going on. He didn’t know that Katniss was at the Capitol, held captive. He didn’t know I was pretending to be Katniss, nor did he know Gale was forming up a plan good enough to get Katniss free and bring her back here before he would notice that I wasn’t her.

            My perfect chance to sneak out of bed was when Peeta turned over on his other side. Stealthily, I slipped out of the sheets and tiptoed out to the door. I didn’t hear any tapping, so either Gale wasn’t outside yet, or he was and he was just waiting for me to come out. Regardless, he had better be out there; otherwise I was going to go back to bed and hopefully sleep.

            The night wasn’t as warm as last night, but it was considerably tolerable to where a jacket wasn’t needed.

            “Gale?” I whispered in the dark. This time I didn’t flinch when I felt Gale grab my arm to make sure it was me.

            “There you are,” he breathed. He flicked a flashlight on, blinding me a bit. “I thought I was going to have to resort to tapping on the window again.”

            “Luckily you didn’t have to. What do you have to report to me now?”

            “Still some ideas, no definite plan yet,” he said gravely.

            “And the family?”

            “I told them exactly what you told me last night: that you probably escaped and you’re running around Twelve, most likely ill, lost, and confused.”

            “I thought I only said ill, not lost and confused?”

            “You never said ill, only tired and confused,” Gale recalled. “Anyway, how’s the life in luxury?”

            “It’s not all fun and games.”

            “Why? What happened today?”

            “Where do I start?” I leaned against the house. “I first made breakfast, which I accidentally made Peeta ill with a stomach ache. He’s better now. Gale…I hate this.”

            “Hate what?”

            “Living her life!” I moaned. “This isn’t good for me or Peeta!”

            “Katrina, it is.” He grabbed my shoulders gently.

            “No, it’s not. I’m lying to him, Gale! This isn’t who I am. I’ve never pulled a big lie like this in my life, and you know that! I’m freaking out here!”

            “Shh,” he said quietly. “Easy, just settle down.”

            “I’m losing it! Peeta’s starting to notice the change in me, but I don’t think he suspects, not yet anyway. I wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow he figures out I’m not who I say I am!” My voice rose.

            “Kat, be quiet!” Gale shushed me. “He can probably hear you if you get any louder!”

            “Gale, if you were under the pressure and stress that I am undergoing currently, you’d do the same, so you have no right to tell me that I have no right to do this,” I hissed lowly at him. “I’m hurting him and me both with everything I do.”

            “How so?”

            “What do you mean?” I snarled at him. “What kind of question is that? Every time Peeta talks to me like I’m Katniss; I’m hurting him secretly, because he doesn’t know the truth. I lie to his face and he doesn’t see it that way. I hurt myself by keeping on the illusion that I am her, that I’m in love with him when this is lying to him just so that it keeps him safe from himself!”

            “Katrina,” Gale said carefully, “you need to calm down, okay? I know this is stressful for you, but you can’t lose control now. You need to regain control and just grin and bear it for a few more days. If I’m lucky, I’ll have a plan out by tomorrow. If all goes well, Katniss will be back here in three days tops.”

            “Not even that, I hope,” I grumbled. “I really want this to end, Gale. I don’t think I can do this much longer.”

            “You’ve gotten through two days, Kat,” he reminded me. “If Peeta has any suspicions, lead him away from them.”

            “Easier said than done,” I said bitterly.

            I flinched when Gale put a hand to my face. He got closer, examining my face. What was he expecting, bruises or cuts? Peeta wasn’t abusive. I don’t think I ever saw him do or even say anything violent.

            “I think you might want to watch out for your health more than Peeta’s,” he said quietly. “You look like you’re going downhill.”

            “I have been since Katniss got captured. It’s not a good feeling, Gale.”

            “I’m sure it isn’t. I shouldn’t be keeping you out here late at night, I’m making you worse.”

            “You’re not.”

            “Don’t lie to me, Kat. I know I’m making you worse. I’ll try to come during the day if I have to if it means you don’t fall ill.”

            “I’m perfectly fine with coming out here late at night,” I said stubbornly. If I could lie to Peeta, lying to Gale should be no problem. Then again, Gale knew me, Peeta didn’t, so maybe tricking Gale wouldn’t be as easy.

            “I know you, Kat. You aren’t a good liar,” he crooned. I sighed. Yup, there was no fooling him. “Now go back to bed, okay?”

            “I don’t think I’ll fall asleep right away, I was up ever since Peeta and I went to bed.” I yawned, though I didn’t feel tired.

            “You never know.”

            I closed my eyes briefly only when to open them, I was startled. What the hell was Gale trying to do? From what I could see, he looked like he was trying to kiss me. Umm, what the hell? I didn’t think I was dreaming this, but this made no sense at all. I didn’t know what to do at this point. I knew what I wanted to do: duck out of it. The problem here: I was going to have to get my body to do what I wanted.

            But I didn’t have to, because a muffled sound from inside the house made Gale stop and me let out a relieved breath.

            “What was that?” he asked me.

            “I don’t know,” I stammered. “How about you head back home, okay? I don’t think I want you to get into trouble should your mom wake up and find you missing.”

            “I promise I’ll have everything worked out soon.” He kissed the top of my head and ran back home.

            The noise we had heard before brought me back inside. I shut the door, tuning in. It was definitely in the house, because it didn’t sound like it was from outside. Shivers ran up my spine once I heard the noise again.

It was Peeta.

            Oh God. I moved about the house as quickly as possible until I found the bedroom. I stood in the doorway, horrified by what I saw. Peeta was obviously having a nightmare; he was muttering something, sounding either afraid or outraged. I wasn’t sure. He kept squirming uneasily. I knew it was only a matter of time before the screaming started.

            I ran for the lamp, turning it on. Peeta didn’t open his eyes, he kept having his fit. I sat on the edge of his side of the bed, trying to get him to wake up.

            “Peeta!” I cried. He didn’t hear me. Instead, he flailed one of his arms, backhanding me by accident. I shook off the pain and this time decided to take control. I leapt on him and straddled him, that way he couldn’t move. While Peeta was making a mixture of sounds, I took his face in my hands, gently tapping him on the cheek. “Wake up!”

            I gave a yip of terror as Peeta’s eyes shot open. I saw a light sheen of sweat coated his forehead, his breath was labored. I let out a quiet breath. His eyes met mine.

            “Easy, easy,” I crooned, running a hand through his hair once to calm him down.

            “What are you doing?” he whispered.

            “I just saved you from a nightmare, I think,” I said, hovering over him. “How bad was it?”

            Peeta sat up, but I still straddled his legs. I guess he didn’t seem to mind me sitting on him; he didn’t wiggle uncomfortably under me. He ran a hand through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck.

            “There were a lot of bad images,” he sputtered.

            “Of?” I asked cautiously.

            “I don’t think I can—what happened to your face?” He put a hand to the cheek he slapped in his sleep. “It’s red.”

            “I tried to wake you up before, but you didn’t hear me and accidentally hit me,” I muttered.

            “I’m sorry.”

            “You didn’t know you were doing it, no need to apologize,” I said gently. “Now…about these ‘bad images’ of yours…”

            “You might not like them.”

            “Try me, Peeta.”

            He rested his back against the headboard of the bed. I stared at him, waiting. And here I thought I was the only one who had this kind of problem. I guess even people like Peeta tended to get vicious nightmares.

            “I was back in the Hunger Games, and those mutts…they were chasing after me. There was nobody else with me, they were just after me.” He shuddered. “They kept multiplying quicker than I was running, one pounced on me—but the scene changed. I was back at the Capitol, and they were torturing me. The pain felt so real that I almost believed it was happening again. But then the scene became different again, and I was back here in Twelve, just after it had been bombed. There was nobody, nothing but debris and rubble. Everything was destroyed. I couldn’t find anybody. I felt so lost, so alone…”

            “Sounds like you had a huge nightmare.”

            “It felt like it.”

            “I’ve had nightmares like that too, sort of,” I confessed.

            “Since when?”

            I knew one nightmare I could tell him easily. It would pain me to do it, because I was recollecting a memory, but I didn’t want Peeta to feel like he was the only person who ever had such horrid nightmares. I wanted him to feel like he could tell me anything horrible he experienced or saw.

            “You were out cold when I did,” I lied. “The one I can remember most was actually being there when the Capitol bombed Twelve. You just got the aftermath in your dream, but I was put right in the action. The ground rumbled under my feet, people were scattering, screaming, calling out to each other so that nobody was left behind. The ground exploded, kicking up huge amounts of debris. Chunks of buildings littered the sky, it flew into people. Everybody was trying to run for cover. I was just trying to find some sign of a bomb shelter so that I could keep myself safe.

            “There was this one family I saw. They were looking for their oldest daughter.” My voice cracked. Peeta watched me pitifully. “Her parents were calling her name while her younger brother and sister clung to their parents, trembling, scared, and confused about what was happening. A deafening explosion happened, and debris rained on them. They were buried under the rubble. I couldn’t help it, I ran to the pile, digging to see if any one of them was still alive. I managed to find the little sister. She was just barely alive. She took one last look at me, and I saw the light fade in her e-eyes…” I couldn’t take it anymore, I heaved a sob.

What I told Peeta was a piece of my life. It was true, what I said, about the nightmare. I had had it before; it was just a replay of what I had gone through when District 12 was under attack.

I had gotten separated from my family; my siblings were smart in staying with our parents. I had been pushed around, searching for them past all the madness. But by the time I had sought them out…disaster had struck.

Huge boulders of a building had fallen on them, killing them all instantly, except for my sister, Raven. She was the only one I managed to find through the pile I dug through with what time I had. I never had time to find Mom, Dad, or Colton. I could remember the last thing little Raven told me when I had found her. Save yourself, she had told me. Her little gray eyes had no sparkle in them after that.

“Shh,” Peeta cooed. I collapsed into him, sobbing into his bare chest. He rubbed my back as I let the sobs be heard and let the tears be leaked. “It’s okay.”

“That dream disturbs me the most, even now,” I sniffled. “I couldn’t imagine living through that, being in Twelve when it happened.” In truth, I could, but Peeta wasn’t going to know that ever, because he would never know I wasn’t Katniss, hopefully.

“I’ll admit, you win points for having the worst nightmare, because it was pretty descriptive,” he said quietly. “You sure know how to paint a picture, Katniss. How long ago was the dream?”

“A few months a-ago.”

“Have you had it recently?”

“No.” But the memory was brought up recently.

“I guess some things never really go away.” He chuckled dryly.

“I wish they did, it would make life a little bit easier.”

“True. By the way, thank you, for that.”

“For what? Waking you up?” I looked at him.

“Yeah. I think I would have gotten worse had you not done it.”

“Well, I’m here for you.”

“Can you do something for me?”

“Sure, I guess.” I shrugged.

“Can you sing to me?”

“Excuse me?”

“Do I need to repeat myself?” he asked.

“No, no, it’s just…nobody’s really asked me to sing.” I had honestly never sung a note in my life, so that would be dooming Peeta’s ears to horrible off-key singing.

“I did. Will you try to?”

“Peeta, I don’t think I’m stable right now to sing.” I rubbed my eyes.

“Right, right. Sorry, I’m not thinking.”

 “It’s okay. Maybe some other time I will, just—not tonight.”

“But you promise to sing for me one day?”

“Yes, I promise.” I gave a weak grin. “I think we should get back to bed.”

I got off Peeta only to turn away from him. He apparently didn’t like the gap between us, because he came behind me again, looping an arm around my waist. His fingers found mine and they intertwined. I sighed.

 I realized I was actually starting to get used to this. Believe it or not, I was beginning to actually like this. I could feel a connection between us somehow. I wondered if Peeta and Katniss ever had a connection that I felt right now with him.

A red flag went off in my brain. What did we go over before? Peeta is not your boyfriend, he’s Katniss’s.

But it didn’t matter, because Katniss wasn’t here right now. The Capitol had her in their clutches, doing who knew what to the Mockingjay. 

**Now we can start to feel it piling up, the pressure. She's starting to be torn, and she's starting to bond with Peeta. She's going into deeper, dangerous territory.**