Title: Twisted Love
Author: Aleemah19

In the first chapter, you switch from third person POV to first-person POV. If you start writing one way and you decide it doesn't work for you, that's fine. Just make sure to go back and change the whole POV.

If you want to insert your own (the author says something here). Example from your story: "Alexa!" (who is me at 16 years old). Mum called for me.
If you choose to talk to your audience like this throughout the entire story, I would turn it into more of a diary.

Do not use text talk in anything but texting or posts to social media. Example: you use, 'u' instead of 'you'. Always spell out the word.

The grammar needs a tone of work. You have a lot of commas or periods outside of the quotation marks. Example: What you do "...forget".
What you should do: "... forget."

The talking can get unrealistic. They are teenagers. They will shorten words and sentences, examples: don't, "Let's go, I'm late."
They also use slang words, which could be almost anything. Just don't overdo it unless it's a bad habit of a certain character.

The mom waking her up almost two hours late seems unrealistic. If the mom takes her daughter to school every morning, then maybe 20 to 10 minutes before they are supposed to leave. I feel like Dayton being in his last year of college should have a car by now. Unless they live in the city and he uses buses or subways.

Okay, I'm confused. I know overseas that you graduate high school at 16 ish. I heard they were going to change it to 18 not sure if that ever happened.  Your MC says something to her 18-year-old brother about being in his last year of college. So he drives them to school and the principal yells at them? That's high school only. College doesn't care if you're late or you miss classes. You pay for college. High school and college would never be in the same building either unless they have college classes you can take for college credit. My high school did this the kids went to career tech center with other high school students from different schools. I'd suggest making the brother a senior in high school. The scene would make more sense this way.

A teacher can't make a student stand for the whole class hour. They can give them detention but that's about it.

Okay in high school it's no longer called recess. It's lunch hour, most of the time you only have time to eat and a little time to relax and talk with friends.

When your MC gets to see her friends and talk, you lumped the dialogue into a paragraph. The MC is telling a conversation when we should be seeing the conversation fold out. There should be quotation marks.

Whenever someone else talks you also start a new paragraph.

What you do:
My three best girlfriends come up to me and give me a hug. Friend A says I got something to tell you. So I say what? My friend B tells me that a boy from 11th grade likes me. I'm all like ah no way! Who? They replied Julian.

What you should do:
My three best friends come running up to me crushing me in a hug.

"Hey, Alexa!" Friend A squeals.

"We have some major info that could change your life." Friend B said her amber eyes lighting up with excitement.

"We hear an 11th-grade boy is into you." Friend C had a smirk on her thin lips.

"Who is it?" The narrator asked squeezing friend C's arms with excitement.

That's how it should be. The conversation folding out. Showing tones and actions with each character. Giving out descriptions of characters through movement/feelings. The conversation is also a way for your reader to see who a character really is. The tones they use and the actions behind the words.

We should feel immersed in the story we're reading. The words should create a movie in our head, with some secrets of course.

The whole best friend's boyfriend hand-holding scenario was weird. It felt thrown in. The emotion behind it was also weird. That was her best friend's boyfriend she should have never let him hold her hand. The MC would have been mad and texted her right away of his player ways.

Overall Assessment:
The writing is very amateur. Many grammar and missed placed quotation marks.

No descriptions of any character.

Very fast-paced. Unrealistic scenes.

You are told everything instead of feeling like you are reading a story.

Rating: ⭐
⭐⭐⭐

You have an idea for a story. Now you have to work on the structure and other things mentioned above.

I would suggest reading a published author from the teen fiction genre. Reading also helps you become a better writer. Every writer will tell you that. Take notes on how they write the story. How they tell/show their characters. The use of quotation marks and periods.

Also can do research on the internet/Pinterest on ways to become a stronger writer. I do this myself still, always room to grow as a writer.