Jordan's trip to Alaska had been rather uneventful so far.

   It consisted of continuous hunting trips with Carlisle, testing both his mental switch ability and physical ones with Kate, and a fuck ton of thinking.

   Jordan had done more thinking in the past two weeks than he had any other time in his life. Because he had every second of the day to think, there was not one moment of time that went by where his mind wasn't whizzing with a new concern. There was no resting a vampire's brain, and Jordan hated that.

   He wish he could switch his own brain off. It was a shame his ability didn't let him do that.

   Despite his slight annoyances with Denali, Jordan knew that he made the right decision in making the trip. Because although thinking sucks, he knew how necessary it all was. He needed to process, to understand, to question the world that had sprung up around him.

   And he hadn't entirely come to terms with the entire ordeal— Victoria turning him, Alex choosing to make him a vampire rather than die, not being able to live at home, having to lie to his parents—but Jordan was making progress. At least he thought he was.

   He knew that he was putting a lot of the blame on his twin sister, and that eventually he wouldn't. Over the past two weeks Jordan felt his heart clench every time he thought of her, and that was purely because he missed her. This was the longest they had ever gone without talking. 

   And maybe Jordan wasn't entirely ready to forgive Alex just yet, but he knew he would. There wasn't anything the two couldn't overcome. That thought was what was getting him through—that even though he may never be able to see his parents again, at least he would always have his sister. 

   Although it almost felt like Jordan couldn't escape the thoughts that hounded his mind every second, there was instances of relief. And those mainly circled around the mountainous landscape that came with being in Alaska.

   Jordan's father had always been a nature person—hiking every chance he could, always taking the scenic routes on drives and surrounding himself with the natural beauty that the world had to offer. Jordan and his sister had always laughed at his awe of places, both of them finding no interest in the world around them. They were young, and it wasn't very often that young people were appreciative of the world around them—especially in a hometown they had known their whole life.

   But Jordan found himself wandering the secluded landscapes of Denali almost every day, losing himself in the world around him. It gave him slight relief—although the boy wondered whether he was simply reaching for a connection to his dad that he wouldn't be able to visit in the foreseeable future. Being in nature reminded him of his old man.

   And it felt so simple. After the chaos that had become Jordan's life, he needed that simplicity. He almost craved it.

   The other vampires that were among him in Denali knew not to pry during this time, it was a boundary that was unspoken yet universally understood. They had all been through the change that Jordan was experiencing, they knew that process. It was difficult and rough, especially when the turn was unexpected. His time alone was precious and important.

   But it was clear that someone hadn't gotten the memo about this rule, or they simply didn't care. Jordan could hear the heavy footsteps approaching him from a long way away, they could have been over a thousand metres away and it was echoing through his heightened hearing.

   The brown haired boy turned his body from where he stood. He was on a high mountain, looking out over the snow covered landscape below him. No sound bothered him, or no life. Not until the incoming intruder however.

   Jordan definitely wasn't expecting a teenage boy to be the one coming his way, yet somehow his brain knew exactly who it was with just one look his way.

   In comparison to the other members of his pack, Embry Call was rather lightly built. His body was slender, less bulky than the other wolves he surrounded himself with. Jordan would recognise his lean frame and shaggy brown hair anywhere.

   "What took you so long, Embry? I was expecting your presence around here a few weeks ago," Jordan spoke but turned his body back to look over the landscape. The boy even moved to sit on the snow covered ground beneath him—his body was already the same temperature as the white flakes so it wasn't going to matter if he sat directly on them.

   Embry had been checking up on Jordan ever since the turn happened, whether it be by text or house visits. It was something that Alex had asked of him, him being her best friend and all. It was this reason that Jordan figured he would come and check on him once he figured out his location, since he hadn't replied to a text since he left Forks.

   Embry clearly didn't care much for the snow on the ground either, as he came to sit right next to the brown haired boy once he caught up. Only he was smart enough to lie his jacket down on the ground first, at least giving him some kind of cover.

   Embry shook his head as he got situated. The boy's cheeks tinted a slight pink, that Jordan presumed came from the trek up and crispness of the wind. What other reason would there be? "I do have a life y'know. School. A family. A pack. I can't chase after your ass every second of the day."

   "What a shame," Jordan fiddled with the bracelet that adorned his wrist. The rope like material ran through his fingers, reminding him of the thirteenth birthday he received the gift from his parents. His twin sister had a matching one. "Nothing better than a good chase."

   Embry kept his gaze trained on the view in front of him, giving Jordan a quick second to look in the wolf's direction. His russet colored skin stood out starkly from the white layer of snow that surrounded the pair, almost like he was bringing the landscape to life. Bringing in vibrancy, bringing in colour. Jordan looked over the delicate slope of his nose, the almost permanent pout that rested on his lips and his eyelashes that were thick and dark against his eyes. 

   But those eyes—those damn brown eyes. Jordan had stared at his own similarly colored eyes over a million times in his sixteen years, yet not once had he been impressed. They were dull to him, lifeless, boring. Yet, when he got a glimpse of the sparkling eyes of Embry Call, Jordan vowed to never say such slander to brown eyes. Because Embry proved all those assumptions wrong. His brown eyes shone, they almost twinkled in the sunlight that casted over the pair. They had so much vibrancy, dancing along the view in front of them with an aliveness that startled Jordan.

   They were beautiful. Enchanting. Jordan really had no other way to say it.

   And they even made Jordan forget about the horrible stench that filled his nose whenever Embry or any of the pack came near him. Like a wet dog, a dirty wet dog.

   The boy moved his eyes back, focusing on the scenery in front of him—if he looked at Embry any longer he was afraid he wouldn't be able to stop. And that was dangerous in itself.

   "Has this trip done what you wanted it to?" Embry broke the silence that settled between the boys, his gaze not faltering from in front of him.

   That was a complex question for Jordan to answer, and quite honestly he didn't really even know where to start. Because he didn't truly know what he wanted this trip to do, all he knew was that being back in Forks was suffocating. He hated disappointing everyone around him—everyone waiting for him to return back to the way he was. 

   Truthfully, Jordan felt like no matter how much he tried that he may never go back to that. This was an entirely new him.

   Losing part of yourself wasn't something that Carlisle had talked about. He talked about losing your human life, he talked about the possibility of losing your family and those around you, but he never said that the part of you left right when the turning happened. 

   And Jordan was aware that there should be a part of him that thought this was all fun. He could run fast and hear better and lift weights unheard of by any human. Yet that didn't matter, not if he couldn't be with the people that he loved for the rest of his life. They would all leave him—alone and lonely with no hope of ending in sight.

   Jordan tugged tighter on the rope bracelet between his fingers as he answered, "It's been peaceful."

   Because he didn't know how to answer, he simply told the truth. There was no point in trying to lie and say it fixed the issues, because it didn't. Not even close.

   Embry turned to look at Jordan now, making the boy meet his eyes as he did so. His gaze softened as he took in the vampire beside him. "You don't have to be ok, Jordan. We don't expect that."

   "Yes you do," Jordan said in response without a second thought. Like before, there was no sense in lying. Not only was Jordan bad at it, but he also didn't want to. "You all want me to be okay. You want me to be the Jordan you first met a month ago—the happy, full of life sixteen year old who didn't have a care in the world. That's who you want me to be—it's what you expect."

   Jordan could feel the anger bubbling up to the surface as he spoke, all the stares of pity and the expectant looks whenever he walked in the room. Everyone could say that they didn't expect anything from him and that it's okay to not be okay, yet it didn't remove the hope from their eyes. Jordan could see it without the heightened sight he gained a few weeks ago.

   The boy stood up from his spot in the snow within the blink of an eye, his speed projecting him upward as he felt the anger course through his body. He narrowed his eyes at Embry before him, the wolf barely moving from where he continued to sit. His face was unreadable. 

   "I'm not fucking okay, Embry. I'm a fucking vampire. So, when you report back to everyone at home tell them that—tell them I hate this and I hate myself. Tell them I'm a programmed killer, not the Jordan they knew before all this. He died when I did—and I should have stayed that way. That's what you tell Alex, that's what you tell Paul and the rest of your stupid pack. Say that and leave me the hell alone."

   And before Jordan could register the hurt that washed across Embry Call's face, the vampire had sped back to the Denali house in less than a second. His hand gripped the door roughly, his eyes clenched in exasperation. 

   Jordan ignored the clench that felt like it came from his heart—a tug to go back to where Embry was still sitting and apologise for the words he said. All of them were spoken in anger, but Jordan couldn't ignore the validity of them. They came from somewhere. 

   "Jordan," An almost whimsical sounding voice spoke from behind the boy then and he knew it was Esme without even needing to turn around.

   The gentle woman who had never once done anything to Jordan didn't deserve to see him like this—unravelling at the seams, almost seething in his breakdown. For that reason the boy didn't budge. He continued to grip the door in his hands, eyes not moving to open. 

   Esme's hand came to rest gently on the jacket covered back of Jordan Santiago. Her touch cautious, yet confident. "You'll be okay. I promise you that."

   She didn't ask questions and demand answers. She didn't need to know what happened to have him so visibly worked up, his body almost shaking in what could have been a variety of emotions. Esme was simply reassuringly there.

   And without much thought Jordan launched himself into her arms, curling himself into the older vampire as gently as he could muster with his newfound strength. He found comfort in the plush material of her clothing, in the clean smell of her hair and the softness of her touch.

   If Jordan clenched his eyes shut enough in their hug, Esme was almost an exact replica of his mother. From the way her hands smoothed down his dark locks to the soft murmurs of comfort that came from her mouth. 

   Jordan relished in the maternal hug that Esme offered, forcing himself to forget that this may be the closest he gets to his mother for the rest of his life. 

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      ok sorry for this being lowkey short and sad, just had to publish something lol hope you enjoyed anyway, even tho the jordan/embry interaction was short. more to come. this is also unedited because if i look through it one more time i won't post and then that'll be a bigger mess.

   also sorry for being the worst and never updating, ur a real one if u still read these stories lol