Dear Kyle,

I love you so much and I don't want to force you into a relationship you don't want. That's super unhealthy and all that shiz. I just don't know what you want. What do you want from me? Why won't you date me? I'm not gonna change myself for you but maybe there is something I can do. You jokingly said yesterday "this is why I won't date you" or go out with you or something but I don't remember what it was I did. Was it really a joke or were you being serious. I guess ill never know because I'm never asking you. That would be god awful. Also what were you daydreaming about? I'm actually super curious about that. What goes on in that head of yours? I wish I knew and I wish I could help you out more. Do you think one day we'll be able to kiss for real? The idea makes me close my eyes and just feel the fuzziness In my head. Your cheeks are so soft. I wonder how soft your lips are. It made me blush super hard when you felt my cheek after I said yours was soft. Also you really do smell so nice. Kinda like cleaning stuff, yeah, but also like something that makes me feel like I'm home. Like I'm safe or something. And I love that. I try not to rely only on you for everything because I know how dangerous it is. I am trying to get better though. For you. Because I want you. I want to be yours and yours alone. I want it so bad. Something about that seems to set my mind and body into a cold fire. A fire that lights up my very life and soul. Ive never wanted someone so much in my entire life. I don't think a relationship with you would last forever because I know, very much, that I am definitely into girls. Like, definitely. You're kinda the bug in the program as funny as that sounds. As often as I say that about myself especially. I can't stop talking about you. You mean everything to me right now. I always refer to you as my best friend and I almost don't want to date you because I don't want to ruin that. But at the same time I feel like you'd be a very good first boyfriend for me. Because you're just so much a person. And yeah, its definitely arguable that my first boyfriend was, in fact, my first boyfriend. because, you know, he literally was. but at the same time it was not really a relationship. it was more of just an extended friendship. we didn't kiss, we rarely held hands, we didn't go on dates hell as far as the rest of the world was concerned all they needed to know was that we weren't dating. i didn't want to do most of these things with him either. the idea grossed me out honestly. its different with you. i don't want to compare you to my last crush, because comparing like that is weird, but at the same time i feel more similarly about you or her than i did you to my ex. we weren't really dating. but you, i want to go on dates with. i really do. I'm honestly a little stupid and don't quite know what it means but its something i want to try with someone and i feel like you probably wouldn't yell at me if i screwed it up. i mean its not like I don't expect you to have expectations, i just don't think they'd be unreasonable with you. how does one be a good girlfriend i guess. that's a question i have and maybe that sounds really dumb coming from a ninety nine percent lesbian but i just don't know honestly. that's another thing. at first when i came out as well not female wasn't sure what id want to be labeled as in a relationship and someone told me it would depend on the person i was dating. and yeah they were right, i wasn't to be your girlfriend. seriously. i want to be a good girlfriend for you. that's kinda crazy to me but okay. also wouldn't it be funny if you actually did like Alyx? yes ya it would. that would be hilarious. i feel like you rejecting me would actually be more bad than you being gay. to me anyways. you be you. you be happy for you. kiss who you want to kiss though id gladly be your first. those lips are freaking gorgeous. I'm serious i want them in my mouth some days. i would kill to have your lips. they're so big and plump and pink and just so perfect. especially when they have food on them. i would eat food off your lips any day. yikes i need to not say things like that or you're gonna kill me!!!!! yeah...you cannot ever read this, unless we end up dating. then you can read all my crush ranting stupidity that keeps me from getting all my work done. i love holding your hands cause they're so big and mine are small and it makes me feel safe and protected.

Kay who wishes she did not write this now...