Today I wasn't feeling very great. We had to write our first big assignment in creative writing so I wrote this.

Stupid mistakes. One leads to another to another to another. One word equals one mistake. Some mistakes aren't obvious at first. They do more damage. Some mistakes you know are mistakes the second you make them.

You make a mistake and it feels like nothing happened at first. You say something and only after do you realize it hurt them. They tell you it hurts them and you get knocked down the first rung. It hurts you. You feel the sinking start. The slope goes down from there and there is nothing you can do.

They suggest you drop it. But you can't. They need to know. They need to know why you said what you said. But they don't listen. They say the apology is accepted. But the apology can't be accepted. You won't accept the accepted apology because it feels wrong. And the next rung goes by as you climb down.

By now you feel so absolutely awful. You aren't really sure what to think. The feelings of what you did wrong fill you up and overcome. It seems like such a small thing. A small incident, nothing more. But the feeling kept going and the rungs fly past your face until you look down and you can see the bottom. You can't let yourself reach the bottom, but it's closing in fast. The walls are collapsing as the feeling of disgusting warmth rises up your throat.

Lying there silent for minutes that feel like a lifetime. You go back to the problem at hand. All you can think is what you've done. What you've done. What you've done is ridiculous and stupid and it's all your fault. All your fault no one else's.

You bring up something close to the original discussion, to change the subject. A challenge you've found. A challenge. Of suicide. So you show her what it is. What does she say. Not "oh my god" not "we need to look more into that" more like "I hope you're not doing that." Of all the things to say "you aren't stupid enough to kill yourself right?" No you think no no no no. But the rungs are going by faster and faster. Faster and faster and faster. You could reach out and touch the bottom.

Images of who would do such a thing fly in and out of your head. Then you see the people you love as the tears start to fall. Falling warm and soft to the ground. You can't feel anymore. It's nothing. Your head: a pounding heavy mess. And your body: like it might collapse. You are so tired as you lie down waiting for the sleep that will never come. Mistakes.

Honestly I don't know what's happening to me, but something is definitely happening. Just a few weeks ago all I cared about was this dumb girl in my math class and now I'm freaking out over horribly depressing nightmares and just freaking out all over the place. I don't even know why I wrote this. I don't remember ever having felt like this in my life, but at the same time I feel as though I have felt like this all my life. It just isn't fair. I'm gonna go to bed now.

-Kay