rule 3: don't give over. that's what it wants. that's just what it wants.

I want to be good but when I'm lying in bed I keep imagining Trace kissing me over and over again, our bodies growing and wrinkling like all the trees while we remain attached at the lips. Now she wants to touch me, holds her fingers to mine while pretending to read her math book, and whispers soft things while I bleed black bile into the pillow. We deny the nice lady who wants to clean the room five times and on the sixth Trace gets scared and takes the blankets and puts them into the bathtub, rolling me off the bed. I manage to get back on and curl up but I keep asking for her "Trace" as she goes and puts all the blankets under cold water until the oil starts coming off and maybe it's not oil but I call "Trace" again because she should be listening to me.

Trace comes back with wet blankets and Angel comes in, helps, and goes again. It gets dark out and light out and Angel says she won't leave my side and then she does it anyways, just for a moment, but it's a long moment. The middle kids keep coming in to look at me and I hide my face. The sun is outside staring at me because everyone is and Elle says we have one more night and Red puts his head all the way inside of his hands.

When I reach out my hands are tree branches and I recognize them from a forest somewhere in the woods we pass every time we go outside. All the woods are one big forest on the back of the earth. I can sense all the things that lie on the ground calling for me and Trace, and I think of kissing her but mainly of a mouse I once saw living in a dead tree. I become a habitat for small animals I can't see and there are so many things dancing in me like heat. I breathe out and I can sense them there, sighing with me like trees sigh in the wind. Trees have antlers. I have antlers growing out of my eyes and hands. I lift my hand up a few times and they're not there anymore and I whimper a little beneath my breath so Angel can't hear me from the other bed. Trace looks down at me and says "Adaline why do you keep looking at your hand like that" her voice really concerned and stretched and pitched high.

I ask her "does it looks different to you" and she shakes her head and asks if I need another towel. I put the hand to my mouth and something black has been dripping out of me all night. "We'll wake up Angel and Elle" I say but Elle has stepped out of the sheets and laid them over an unstirring Angel, who is double buried in sheets, white is snow defiled by my oil.

Trace puts a finger to my lips like Angel did and her skin is so warm that I reach out for it with my open mouth. Her hand shoots back from my jagged teeth and she holds it to her chest like a small animal and I want all of that heat inside of my body. Trace sniffs once and runs her hands over my eyes and down towards my chin, which trembles with need, and she says "Addie" her voice like a small glass cup knocked off a cabinet (I look down at the little remains of a glass on the ground and back to her) and she hesitates but manages "How does it feel"

"Bad" I say but then clarify "I feel like I need to sneeze and I'm keeping it all in my nose which kind of hurts"

"Maybe" Trace pauses, swallowing hard before continuing "you just need to sneeze"

"If I sneeze" I pause making sure the implication is clear as I could possibly make it "people will get hurt"

"Maybe you just hurt people because you get scared of yourself, Addie, have you thought about that" she says and starts squeezing my hand hard.

"You are in all of my bad thoughts" I tell her a little too loud and then cover my mouth while the coughing starts. I close my eyes tight while the dark murk overwhelms my vision, something not creeping out but condensing, and I sense the beginnings of string at my mouth as I restrain my own teeth while snarling "Please don't make this any worse"

"Calm down" Trace insists a little louder and when I don't respond she kisses me and I feel my body hit the pillow. I feel something receding and Angel's body shudders across from mine. I drag the sharp bits of my mouth back even as my hands reach out outside of my command and it dawns on me that Trace isn't the only one who's angry.

I cough once and pretend to fall back asleep. Trace grabs me around the stomach and holds me tight. I exhale but each breath is shuddering and drags on for too long, echoing out of too long of a mouth.