Reviewer: Borbityborb
Written by: Tequila_scribbles

*Note: Prologue to Chapter 10 were read

Book cover - 4.5/5

It’s gorgeous. The color scheme, font, and image give the book a clean, thrilling, paranormal feel. In my opinion the author name at the top could have a different font to match the title’s better; it’s also a bit hard to read.

Book title - 4/5

It reflects the book’s themes nicely,  both for Risa’s school life and her supernatural troubles. It also rolls off the tongue. However, I feel it can sound more catchy and memorable.

Book description - 3/5

There are some grammatical errors and the description can be shorter and more direct. It’s written in an enticing way, however you should give away less of the plot to keep the mystery of the book’s first chapters exciting. Here’s how I would rewrite it:

An invasion by the dark forces of Zelidar leaves the city of Creantis in ruins. Most citizens are harmed, killed, and the unfortunate few are taken in captivity.

That is the nightmare Risa Parkins keeps waking to. She thought her problems were bad enough: between her memory loss, school life, and hallucinations, nothing could possibly get worse…

 …until her family reveals the truth of her identity. Suddenly she is thrown into the world of demons and light, and a battle is brewing on the horizon. Can she set things right?

Prologue - 4.5/5
*(This covers “Meet the Casts” and “Prologue”)

A friendly correction: it’d be more grammatically correct to title it “Meet the Cast”! I love the graphics and the moodboards in this chapter (also, there are some grammatical errors in some moodboard text) and it made me hyped to get to know the characters! 

The prologue was WOW. I have no better words! Your pacing was perfect, the main character is badass, but at the same time it hit the readers square in the face with the dangerousness of the Zelidar and the world you’re building. The magic wasn’t difficult to understand, you described everything in good detail. Most importantly, it instantly got me turning to the next page. Well done! 

Plot - 17/20

In the first 5 chapters, we see Risa’s school life and her friendship with Mirald. Everything seems normal at surface level - until Risa’s hair begins to change, and she sees and experiences supernatural things. I wish the background characters she and Mirald talked about - such as Pete, Tane, and Vanik - had more of a presence in the story. It would make their school life feel more lively and help me get into the protagonist’s shoes, not feel like I’m watching from faraway.

It’s stated that Risa had a coma, but it was not expounded on. I would’ve liked clarification on how much memory she’d lost and the difficulties she had with it. It would make me sympathize with her sassy, guarded behavior more. 

I loved the part where she met her family! It was fun, exciting, and wacky. It was a surprise at every turn and I felt like I was exploring Risa’s past and powers alongside her. I especially love Tane’s confrontation with Lothario; the Zelidar are intimidating demons I look forward to reading more about!

Overall, the plot of demons vs. the light isn’t new, but you wrote it in a thrilling way! There is good substance in this story with many opportunities. I love the characters’ abilities - both the enemy’s and the hero’s - and they have interesting backstories and relationships with each other.

A suggestion: world building could be improved. I’d like to see Creantis and the land of the Zelidar described in better detail. Flora High wasn’t described much, either!

Characters - 8/10

Risa - I like her. She’s strong, defiant, and brave. However, I would like for her sassy demeanor to be explained - is she motivated by self-doubt? Does she have trust issues?

An observation: In my opinion, it didn’t make sense for Risa to think she was dying when her hair gained a yellow streak. She seems like a smart girl. Unless she had high anxiety or was very naive, this would be plausible; If this is the case, describe her anxiety/naivety more because it wasn’t written too clearly. If not, replace her fear of dying with something more sensible, like a fear of illness.

Mirald - I appreciate that she’s not a flat character; that she’s not just a fashionista or a best friend. Getting to know her past made me sympathize with her, poor girl! And I deeply relate to her fear of being left alone, and her sheer terror of being thrown into a world of demons so suddenly. Writing about her bickering with Risa is alright and makes their friendship flow naturally, but you should reduce it because, at times, it doesn’t add anything to the plot. 

Tane - I LOVE his character! I can sense he'll be a favorite. I wish he had more presence in the first chapters, however. You could describe the scene where Risa catches him in his crow form in more detail.

 Risa’s parents - They explained Risa's past to her (and, technically, to the reader) concisely and in a not-so-difficult to understand way. I like them! Their abilities and chemistry with their children is adorable!

 Edge - I honestly thought he'd be a typical edgy boy, but he quickly became a favorite. I like that he's a caring brother, but still mischievous and mean. 

 Lothario - Although he only appeared in one chapter, he instantly intimidated me. He's shaping to be a great villain. Keep it up!

 Arya - Like Lothario, I only met her for one chapter but I'm very interested to see her interactions with Risa!

The side characters were great and added flavor to the story! However, there is one character you could flesh out more and that is Katherine. I’d like for her connections with Risa’s family to be expounded on more to avoid plot holes.

Pacing - 5/7

In some areas the story feels too fast; you can fix this by describing the surroundings and actions/histories of the characters in detail. In short, balance dialogue with description. 7 and the chapters beyond it are well-paced! Keep it up!

In Chapters 1-5 the pacing felt slow. The clue-dropping on Risa’s true identity could be improved; instead of giving clues away all at once in the first chapter, drop them bit by bit in every chapter to build suspense. It also makes the chapters about Risa’s school life more colorful and exciting. 

Enjoyment - 6/7

I enjoyed this story very much. I'll be honest and say I was a little bored in the first 5 chapters (excluding the prologue) but I immediately got hyped by Chapter 7! I love the world and the characters and I'm eager to see how the battle goes.

Writing technique - 8/10

Sometimes you briefly switch from Risa’s POV to the Narrator’s. I believe it’s unnecessary; it’s just for one sentence. I recommend switching POV’s only when you’re writing a new chapter. 

As for switching POV’s within a chapter, do so only when you have more than 5 paragraphs (such as the switch from Unknown to Mirald’s POV in Chapter 7 - well done with that!)

Your metaphors are cute and unique! I loved them! For example, I liked how you described Sallie’s skin as shining like the sun on Egypt, and how Mirald clings to Risa like a koala bear.

Grammar/spelling/vocab - 7/10

There are minor grammar and spelling mistakes and run-on sentences to take note of when you edit this book. I recommend you don’t:

use the symbol “/”, just use “or”

use two marks at once (ex. ?? and !!) and use single marks (ex. ? and !) instead

Use short-cut words like “f” or “wtf” and write them in full

This is because your book is written formally. That formality has to be consistent. You should also make the dialogue clearer in some chapters; sometimes it’s confusing for me to figure out who spoke what. 

Along with italicizing Risa’s thoughts, you should also put them in ‘’. For example - ‘Why the hell are you blushing?’ 

The way you separate paragraphs can be improved; sometimes there are single sentences that can be grouped with a paragraph. I advise you to follow this: always begin a new paragraph when there is a change in TIme, Place, TOpic, and PErson/character (TiPToP.) 

Overall - 67/84

All-in-all: the book cover can be snazzed up a bit, as well as the title and description. The prologue was perfect, the characters were splendid, while plot holes and world-building could be developed. The pacing for the first chapters was a bit slow, and the grammar, dialogue and POV transitions can be improved.

Your story has so much potential - the world is very interesting and the characters are fun, powerful, and dangerous. That's why seeing them clash with each other is so exciting! You are skilled at writing lore and magic!

Thank you for choosing me as your reviewer! It was an honor to join Risa (or, Isra!) in her adventures, and I'll keep an eye out for more. Keep writing, you're doing great!