The Saga of Mafioso (Book 1- Mafia-verse) by  JohanLiebert33

Reviewed by june_berrin

Thank you so much for giving me the chance and the trust to review your story. I really enjoyed it.

❥ Cover/Title: The cover at first glance looks nice and comfortably suits your story genre. Upon a closer look, I come upon the details that have been added, the blood splashing, etc. The overall colour scheme used is good, and I love the font placement and type used in the story; they are visible from afar and don't disrupt or stand out awkwardly. All elements follow and contribute together, giving a gist of your story plot and drawing in readers who might be interested in your genre.

The title was a straight drive to your story details, matching perfectly with your cover like a match made in heaven. So great work!

❥ Blurb: My first thoughts were that the blurb was long, but when I read it, it didn't feel that much, and there are some parts I recommend you omit. I think my main problem would be grammar and punctuation. I list some of the errors in my Grammar and Punctuation section.

Now to the content of the blurb. The parts you could omit, I believe, are in the Angelo description. I understand that his life was a literal disaster and that he chose to walk the dark path. The descriptions there, I believe, could be shortened a bit, and you could choose words that would express more and help give a detailed explanation without making it too big and muddled. For example, Instead of saying, "But his life turned upside down when his only beloved mother was admitted to hospital because of car accident," try saying, "But his life was overturned when his only beloved mother was hospitalised after a car accident." Try rephrasing sentences like this too, to fit other words into the context without disrupting the flow or contradicting the meaning of the context. It also helps to elevate the quality of your writing. The blurb introduces the characters with a glimpse of their lives, enticing readers to come read the story and giving us endless ideas about how the story may play out.

I especially love the last line and how it hooks and blooms questions inside the reader's brain.

❥ Storyline: I love how the main part of the story is actually mafia rather than a romantic mafia book. As a constant victim to being robbed of a good bloody mafia story to smut-filled stories, this was a great eye soother.

Now, now, now, I wasn't expecting that. Your writing is really beautiful; the descriptions are slick and smooth, with an ideal thesaurus chosen so that it also settles the mood of the story perfectly. In the prologue of the story, we got to glimpse how ruthless the characters are, with their first appearances having cinematic power. I even started playing background music in the back of my mind at that scene. So your scene description and mood settlement are top-tier.

On to the first chapter, I can see the continued use of great thesaurus and descriptions. But I have to warn you not to use too many fancy words. The coherency of your story is an important component of writing. Sometimes, I simply feel like you were googling for synonymous words or referring to a dictionary for their meanings, even though it is great, but sometimes the words might muddle and reduce the understanding. So use simpler, basic words all the same too, but not too much either.

There are some typos in the first chapter too, along with grammar mistakes like missing articles, etc. Other than that, I love how the first chapter dived into action, immediately hospitalising Angelo's mother and setting the circumstances for his change of path, which contributes to the advancement of the plot. The next thing I have to say is to use number words and not number symbols. Like, for example, "4 of them rushed," change it to "Four of them rushed." This doesn't disrupt the flow either; using symbols among the words might be a bit distracting and weird to the eye, so I highly recommend you change it. In the second chapter and as each chapter went on, I could see a slight lowering of the quality of your first chapter and prologue writing. Grammar mistakes are starting to increase in level too; consider hiring an editor. Even though I would wish to elaborate on each chapter, that would result in a very long review. So I am summarising it all here.

❥ Content: Each chapter was long but still great and interesting to read. Even though in some instances I felt it was a bit boring, just try to build a bit more suspense in the story. You can do it by making the character's thoughts more apparent and visible. For example, if someone were to ask me to fight in a club despite how skilled I am, maybe there might be a little reflection or hindering, and then you can fire it up using his mother's incident as fuel. Overall, I have enjoyed reading your story.

❥ Characters: I love how the characters are portrayed. Their emotions felt raw and on point. Angelo seems to be an interesting character. There is a slight mention of him being skilled in martial arts and many others, highlighting his skills and attributes, which might serve him well later on. I like how all the other characters were portrayed too. You have a knack for character development, which you do well, perfectly articulating characters who are not like some old folktale heroes but actual human beings with real emotion and weakness, making them easier to connect with.

❥ Grammar and Vocabulary: So, the grammar is the problem here. Especially the blurb. I have to say, your blurb is a turn-off and is highly contrasting with the writing style you have used in your story. It shows that or gives off the vibe that you haven't worked much on your blurb.

Some corrections:
Original: The countries where you all live is filled with dirty politics, corruption, sadness but also you all must feel safe in your places.

Edited: The countries where you all live are filled with dirty politics, corruption, and sadness, but you all must feel safe in your places.

Explanation: In here you used 'is' where you had to use 'are' because the subject here is 'countries' which is plural, so use plural, which is "are". You have added 'also', which is not necessary here. And then, remember to add 'and' and a comma after but in here.

Original: fairy tale life but we fantasize
Edited: fairy tale life, but we fantasize
Explanation: Missing punctuation (comma).

Original: Our life in here is filled with corruption and brutal fate.
Edited: Our lives here are filled with corruption and brutal fate.
Explanation: Here you need to remove 'in' as it is not necessary. A common confusion is there with the use of 'our life' and 'our lives.' In here, you are speaking of the people who are in mafias, which is naturally more than one, so it is 'our lives' but the other one is used when we are speaking of our own lives individually.

Original: To have better life which we desire
Edited: To have the better life we desire
Explanation: Missing article. There is no need for 'which'; it is really unnecessary here.

There are plenty more adjustments, changes, and sentence reconstructions you can make in your blurb. So seek the help of an editor or use an online grammar checker.

Similarly, I have spotted some in chapters. I will list one.

Original: He dashed through hospital's corridors when he reached there, he saw the receptionist infront of him.
Edited: He dashed through the hospital's corridors. When he reached there, he saw a receptionist in front of him.
Explanation: It is not 'infront'; this is a common typo error found in many books; 'infront' is not a word; it is 'in front'. The second is that you need to break that sentence in two or at least add an 'and' before 'when.' Missing article after 'through' (add the).

❥ Reader's Enjoyment: Overall, the story is very enjoyable; sometimes the descriptions are so good that it is easy to visualise the story like a movie. I felt all the emotions through the screen, and man, I loved your writing style.

❥ Conclusions: The story has potential. Take a fine-toothed comb and comb through all your chapters, as now there are only about six. It would be easier, but I highly recommend seeking the help of an editor. Work on the blurb. Enhance your other chapters to the level of your first few chapters. But I have to say, some of your descriptions are mind-blowing. Overall, I wish you luck and hope that my review has helped you better your story. Remember, I may have given you a lot of suggestions, but those are from my point of view, and as you may be aware, everyone has a different point of view, so please don't take any of these to heart. If I have hurt you with my words, then I apologise. I hope you have a great day.

Best Wishes