A Whole New World by IcecreamSundae5

Reviewer: SamMariLu

Cover: 4/5
— I love the little details on the cover that reference the story, mainly the ice cream. Being really picky, I would say there might be too much ice cream in the cover, but it's really not a big deal.
— The main colors are very bright and a bit overwhelming. After reading the story, I do feel like it sort of matches your writing style in a way (which I'll explain later), but it still is a bit harsh on the eyes. I recommend using a gentler color.

Title: 3/5
— The title absolutely fits the story, of course. It's a fairly basic title, and I'm sure there are other stories with the same one.
— Especially since it's a very well-known Disney song, it could pose a problem if you try to publish it in the future. It could also mislead people to believe it is some type of Disney fanfiction. I recommend brainstorming alternative titles if you're looking to get this story published in the future, but for now, this title does the job.

Blurb: 3/5
— The way the blurb is written, Olive seems like the main character at first. Of course, she is the main character of the book within this book (very confusing), but that first paragraph sounds like a short blurb introducing a story with a main character named Olive. Although it's kind of clever with the twist after it.
— The twist after that is good in some ways because it gives an idea about the writing style and genre, and it appeals to the target audience, which is teenagers.
— The blurb is too long. There are definitely too many details about the book within the book (I'll be calling it that from now on lol), and there are too many character details as well. It's a lot to unpack from just a blurb. Cutting out some parts of it that are not important or unnecessary will be beneficial.

World: 5/10
— The world before Zee is transported to the book is not established very well. There are really no details about it besides her job at the cafe. Even then, it's not very detailed. At the very least, her home life could be brought up in more detail before she's transported. Adding that would help build the exposition more too, which I'll mention in more detail later.
— In the world of the book within the book, the world is described in lots of detail. Some things, like specific details about Zee's huge house, are not particularly necessary, though. Although I like that there are more details here as opposed to the beginning, there are a bit too many in the world of the book within the book. I would stick to only introducing important details about the world initially, and add more miniscule ones onto that as the story goes on.

Plot: 13/20
— The exposition at the beginning is very short and does not give readers a proper introduction before the main conflict is introduced. There are lots of details missing. The world, as I said before, isn't introduced very well. The book she's reading, The Love Project, is introduced well, I'd say, and Zee's interpretation of it is a good way to introduce her character. But the rest of the exposition feels short and is lacking substance. To improve it, I recommend that you add important details, mainly about Zee's home life, and remove unnecessary ones.
— The main conflict is very unique to me. I'm sure this isn't the first story idea where a character is transported to the world of a book they read. However, that's not exactly the main conflict. It's not like Zee is trying to get back to her old life, at least not as far as you've written. She's trying to preserve the heart of Nick because she knows how Olive breaks it. And that, I think, is very unique. I love that concept so much! Even after the exposition, that brought me back in and made me very interested.

Characters: 8/10
— The characters have very distinct quirks, and I think that's an amazing quality about your writing. Zee loves chocolate ice cream, food, watching movies and shows, and playing video games. She says "buddy" a lot. She stays up late all the time watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine. There are so many very specific qualities about each character that I know so well because of how you stick to their character traits. And that is incredible!
— The only problem that can come with this is that you can sometimes provide too many details for side characters as well, such as Sara. It's important to know about her ex-husband, but that's only to understand his relationship and history with Nick, his son. Lots of details about Sara specifically aren't particularly necessary, so consider removing some scenes that would add more unnecessary details.
— The characters' thoughts, especially Zee's and Nick's (because their perspectives are used the most, and I think they're the only perspectives used), show their personalities even more. Zee's thoughts are all over the place. It reminds me of my own brain at times. I may be mistaken, but she seems to have ADD or ADHD. If so, that's a great way of showing it! If not, you unintentionally created a very distinct condition for a character. And Nick's thoughts indicate his reserved personality too.
— As the story progresses, though, their thoughts are a bit too direct when it comes to their feelings towards each other. I found myself wishing they were more confused by their own feelings, especially Nick, as either Sara or Zach (I don't remember which) mentioned he's hardly ever spoken to girls. It would be frustrating (in a good way) for readers to watch Nick, and potentially Zee as well, struggle to realize what their feelings mean.

Pacing: 3/10
— The pace of this story fluctuated. Parts of it, mainly the beginning, were very rushed. Without a strong exposition, the beginning was quite a kick start into the story, which can overwhelm readers. Then, once Zee was in the new world, she accepted her new reality very quickly, which is not realistic at all. But once she did that, she moved on so fast to go get ice cream that I was very thrown off. That was a glaring issue for me the first time I read it, but after re-reading, it's not nearly as much of an issue as I thought. It still is a main problem though.
— After her quick acceptance of her new life, the pacing becomes very slow. Since the story doesn't start during the school year (I assume it's a break of some kind), there isn't much content other than Zee visiting Nick daily, and some scenes showing this were unnecessary. For example, although the clubbing scene is entertaining and adds depth to Nick and Zee's relationship, it really isn't all that necessary. There are other scenes like that before they go to school that do the same thing, slow down the pace. Try to avoid those and remove them unless they're necessary.

Writing Style: 11/20
— Your writing style is probably the most distinct and unique style that I've ever read in my life. A lot of this might have to do with the characters, but there are many paragraphs with just one sentence. That's fine to do, of course, but it's meant to either stand out or speed up the pace. In your case, you have several one-sentence paragraphs in a row at times. As a reader, it's very chaotic. And that's probably the best way to describe your writing style: chaotic.
— On the positive side of that, the style works sometimes. Zee's brain is all over the place sometimes, so for her, it makes sense to write chapters that are in her point of view chaotically. I think it could be a bit less chaotic, but it works. And with the target audience, teenagers, and the humor in this story, that style is somewhat effective. Still, I recommend that you draw back on the chaos a bit for the sake of the readers.

Grammar: 7/10
— The characters think to themselves a lot, and their thoughts are usually written like narration in this story. But when characters think, if you want to write that as if they were speaking it, it is technically dialogue. That means you should have quotation marks around the thoughts, even though it's not spoken out loud. Or, you can have apostrophes around it. Some authors do that instead. (I know I do.) You should also include speaker tags, which are sentences before, in between, or after dialogue that indicates the speaker. For example, "she said."
— There are a few times during dialogue that you'll have dialogue spoken by the same person that is separated into two different paragraphs. That's very confusing for readers because it suggests that the speaker is changing, especially if there are only 2 characters in the conversation. Try to keep the dialogue in the same paragraph unless the speaker changes.
— Comma splices are an issue in this book. They are basically commas that separate two complete sentences, without the use of a connective conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). Although they are grammatically incorrect, authors can get away with them sometimes. In most cases of this story, you didn't get away with it. Try to avoid comma splices.
— Now, when you do want to combine two complete sentences and you use a connective conjunction to do that, you must use a comma before the conjunction. For example, the sentence "I only meant to use my phone for a few minutes but I have no idea when the sun came up" should have a comma before the word "but" because the clauses around it are independent (they are complete sentences, in simpler terms).
— Many writers have mistakes in dialogue punctuation (and grammar in general), but yours is really good, so great job there!

Enjoyment: 4/5
— I read this story far past 5 chapters. I actually read through chapter 14. It gets much more interesting as it goes on. The beginning threw me off and made me less interested, but once I kept reading, I realized that the rest of the story is really good!

Overall: 61/100
I enjoyed this story a lot. Many of the points missed were based on technical problems in the story, things that need to be fixed but that don't take away from my overall enjoyment. In terms of pacing, exposition, writing style, and world, there is a lot of work to do. But the characters and especially the main concept of this story have so much potential! I'd love to continue reading as you update more. Thank you for this great read!