Reviewer: Moon_G0ddess

Client: Yellow_nelo

For further explanation, any questions or requests you might have, please tag me in a comment here. If you don't tag me, I won't get it.

#Cover:

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The cover is amazing. I see how much it depicts the story, and how it tells the readers what to expect in your book. It matches the vibe almost perfectly. And the colors are suitable too. It reflects the gloominess that could be found inside the book. But I would like it better if the title was moved a little bit up. You have an amazing picture there, so don't cover it with the title. And perhaps if you could make the author's name a little bigger. And the moon is a little too gloomy. If it shines brighter with some stars around, to represent how the clouds above her head are preventing her from seeing the beauty of the moon, but it's still there nonetheless. I want to see some hope in there too.

#Title:

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I didn't like the title much. It gave the feeling that you haven't put any effort in choosing it. It doesn't connect to the story that much, and doesn't have any attraction whatsoever. If you're having a bad day, you might say to yourself: 'meh, some days are like that' to cheer yourself up, but that's certainly not the case with Amara. Her life was ruined and she was seriously considering suicide. To say it like that, it's either you're underestimating her pain or making fun of it, which is not good either way. You need a more heartfelt title. Something that might insinuate the deep pain that she's feeling, or something that is about the hope that can bring someone back from the brink of destruction. Something that would resonate with your readers. This title could be more befitting of a Humor story.

#Blurb:

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I'm sorry to say that you haven't done well with the blurb. To start off, you just took an excerpt from the story and put it in place of a blurb. Then again you haven't done anything from the basics of making a synopsis of your book. You ended with the logline, which should be at the very beginning of your blurb. To say the truth, the logline was the only thing I liked there. So how about you put it first. And then, to make a good blurb, start by introducing your character, Amara. Some light introduction to tell why we should read her story. Then you put the conflict, which is, in this case, Amara's fall from a great life to a ruined one. Then finish with the climax, which is Amara's decision to end her life and how something unexpected happens then, or you could just end with: would she be able to end her life? Or would fate have another saying in the matter?

#Plot:

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The plot is good. I liked it. It was different and unique, but poorly executed. You start well, but then jump seven years into the future, and it becomes really confusing. Suddenly, we're at the point where she's considering suicide and actually going for it. When I first started reading, I thought you were going to take us on the journey which led to her decision to end her life, but it turned out, you weren't. When I scrolled to the second chapter, I thought you made a mistake by putting the blurb there, but it turned out you took the blurb from the second chapter. As you can imagine, it was a mess in my mind. And why did you do it? Just because the first chapter was a build off to Chike's introduction. That was a bad move if you ask me. Want my advice, forsake the first two chapters and start over. How? You might ask. I'll tell you. First, to make it more emotional and relatable to your readers, start right before everything went down. Perhaps Amara could be going home with a wedding dress in her hand. She's so happy and excited because soon she will be marrying the love of her life. She can't help but take it out and try it again in front of her mirror when she gets home. She thinks about her fiancé and how they met and how perfect he is. She then remembers her best friend and wishes she was there with her now, or that at least she could have had her number to call her now and share her happiness. Then she gets the call telling her that her shop has burnt down. Devastated, she tries to go to her fiancé, only to find out he has a family, and is cheating on her, and has never intended to marry her from the beginning. Even more devastated, she tries to pull herself together but fails, because she realizes she's lonely and has no one and nothing now. You see, this way you can play on your readers emotions and make them sympathize with Amara. Then we go to Chike's part. You said it yourself, you didn't do him justice. So when you exclude the first chapter, you can tell it all from Chike's PoV, which should be enough then. Or you could do it your way. The point is your plot needs improvement, more work. But it is amazing and very unique indeed, an original idea that I haven't read anything like before. And the idea of the story being based in Nigeria is something I haven't seen before either, so I liked everything about your plot, except the way it was executed.

#Characters' Development:

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There aren't many characters to talk about here, but it is fine. It was a short story that was only about Amara and her struggles. But the way the plot has been executed, we see much development in Amara's character, but we can't feel it. She was such a lovely, energetic and outgoing girl, but suddenly she's so down and wanting to take her own life. We haven't witnessed her transformation from this to that, so it is hard to judge it. To be completely honest, it would have been amazing to see. Aperfect character arc. But it was lost to the hurried plot, unfortunately. As for Chike's character, well, I love him the way he is. There's not much room for character's development in his case, but it's fine again because it's a short story and it is more about Amara than Chike.

#Writing Style:

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Your writing style is beautiful and has just the right amount of description, mixed with the use of imagery and metaphores, giving it a slightly professional vibe as you read. I loved how you chose your words, and how you managed to draw a clear image of Amara's character, both her personality and her appearance, through the narrative without having to tell much. But the problem is you switch from showing to telling often, and at the beginning of the story too. Like the encounter with the doorman. He speaks, but when it is Amara's turn to reply, you just switch to telling us what she said instead of giving her room to speak. Picture this in your head. You're watching a movie, and there's a narrator to that movie. Everything is going fine, and the main character meets someone. He says hi, but when she opens her mouth to say hi back, the narrator's voice is heard telling us that she said hi back to the guy. The guy speaks again, and when it's her turn to reply, the narrator tells us what she said instead. This kind of interruption would make the movie sound boring from the start. You would be unable to just immerse yourself in it. Same goes for the story. At the beginning, your supposed to hook your readers, so don't turn them away with interruption like that.

'I return a hearty thank you'.

You could have just said : "Thank you," I said.

'I smile and compliment him back'.

But why don't you just add the compliment instead?

Because of how you chose to make it so short, you tend to go more for telling than showing, even though you have already perfected the art of showing. Amara tells us about her relationship with Adaobi, her best friend I assume, and we don't see Adaobi ever. So no showing. But it's okay. Then she tells us about her mother, but we don't see her anywhere. So instead of showing us what her mother is like and what Amara's relationship with her is like, you turned to telling. Then she tells us about Kennedy and what he's like, when he's actually sitting across from her. Instead if using the situation to give us more insight into his character, or how she perceive it, you used telling. Again. It gets tedious. Then the whole second chapter is about telling us, instead of showing us, how things went down for Amara. And that's where your amazing writing style just kinda took a dive and never emerged from the dead. Cue face-palming. You could keep the number of chapters that you have now, by cutting all that telling parts and just giving more to show us. It will be okay if you started where Amara's still home and show us how Adaobi is lecturing her before she leaves in a hurry to meet up with Kennedy. He could just pick her up, you know. Better than telling us how the lecture would go. Then she could receive a phone call from her mother, and go to the bathroom to get the call. Believe me, I didn't want the mental image of Amqra squatting on the toilet seat. I cringed when I read that. A phone call is a lot better, and we would know more about her relationship with her mother from that phone call than she telling us about her mother. Showing is what storytelling is all about. Telling is a tool that is better used less.

#Grammar:

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I'm not sure how to describe your grammar. If you were writing in pidgin, then I suppose it's fine. But if you wanted to write in English, then I can't say it is bad, but it is not right either. It's not a lost cause though, but it could be a lot better. For starters, you fell into the ever consuming black hole of switching between past and present tenses. Don't worry, every other book I have reviewed until now has the same problem, which is quite frustrating actually. You seem to have favoured present, which is quite fine. But sometimes, and not too often, you just switch to the past. And no, I'm not talking about the times Amara's speaking about something that actually happened in the past.

'He says his laughter dying down, and I made to reach for my drink when our table is violently pushed,'

Here, you switched from present to past to present again, when it should have all been in the present like the rest of the story, don't you think?

'I earlier applied coconut oil... and had straightened it out.'

Past and past perfect when talking about things that happened at the same time doesn't make sense. It should be neither here actually, but the present perfect, if you're going for present.

'I have earlier applied... and straightened it out...'

Sometimes, you put words together that don't make any sense when put together. Like: flat white high heels. Flat is actually the opposite of high, and flat shoes are the opposite of heels.

Then when you wrote: (a golden plates), that made my mind go into error mode. (a golden) made me expect a singular word, but (plates) is plural, so I don't know if you meant plates in plural or just one golden plate. It should be either (a golden plate) or (golden plates) without the (a)

I suggest applying the use of a proofreading tool. You could find that in whatever for of docs app your using, whether on your phone or your computer. Or you could download one from the internet. It would help much with detecting these small but noticeable mistakes.

#Punctuation:

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One way to describe it. Lost. I'm so sorry if it sounded harsh, but the punctuation was something I haven't seen before, and I haven't expected to see either. To start off, I'd like to introduce you to the question mark (?). This little guy here is used at the end of any question, no arguing allowed. You didn't use it. And what about the period (.), you only used it once at the end of every paragraph, going for commas instead, or just used it at the end of every dialogue, where you should have used a comma instead. Cue face-palming again. The entire book practically consists of run-on sentences and comma splices.

Let's start with a few rules—the basics.

So run-on sentences happen when two independent clauses, meaning that they can stand on their own, are put together without any proper connection. A comma splice is when two independant clauses are separated from each by a comma without proper conjugation between them.

Rule #1: If the clause is missing some parts, possibly the subject, and it can't stand on its own, separate it from the independent phrase by a comma.

Ex. :

Tniy white vein-like lines appear in the sky followed by a little rumple.(Wrong)

(followed by a little rumple) is an example of those incomplete clauses. If you add (it is) to the sentence, it will become independent, right?

Tniy white vein-like lines appear in the sky, followed by a little rumple. (Right) Notice the comma!

Rule #2 : If a clause is conjugated, meaning that it was connected to the clause before it with a conjunction like (and, so, but, etc...), put a comma before it.

Ex. :

Tniy white vein-like lines appear in the sky followed by a little rumple and for the fourth time this evening... (Wrong)

You have a run-on sentence here.

Tniy white vein-like lines appear in the sky, followed by a little rumple, and for the fourth time this evening...(Right)

Rule #3 : Always use a comma after an introductory phrase.

Ex. :

... and for the fourth time this evening I pray for it not to rain. (Wrong)

... and for the fourth time this evening, I pray for it not to rain. (Right)

So let's rewrite this paragraph using those comma rules.

Tniy white vein-like lines appear in the sky, followed by a little rumple, and for the fourth time this evening, I pray for it not to rain.

Rule #4 : When using a dash to set apart a sentence, don't use the small en dash (-). Use the big em dash (—) isntead, and don't leave a space between the dash and the two sentences it is used to connect.

Ex. :

The sky is covered in a dark blue blanket - the type of blue that... (Wrong)

The sky is covered in a dark blue blanket—the type of blue that... (Right) Notice the lack of space too!

Rule #5 : When using the dash to put two or more words together into one word, don't leave a space between the dash and the words.

Ex. :

a bone - straight wig. (Wrong)

a bone-straight wig. (Right)

Rule #6 : When a sentence is independent, meaning it can stand on its own, and not conjugated, don't put a comma before it. End the first one with a period instead, and then start over ina new sentence. That's how you avoid comma splices.

Ex. :

... can be counted with closed eyes, we are at the peak of raining season after all, the weather is to be expected. (Wrong) Two comma splices.

... can be counted with closed eyes. We are at the peak of raining season after all. The weather is to be expected. (Right)

Rule #7 : When you use an exclamation mark or a question mark, or any mark for that matter, don't put a period or a comma after it.

Ex.:

"You too fine!." He calls out to me in pidgin... (Wrong)

"You too fine!" he calls out to me in pidgin... (Right)

Rule #8 : When writing a dialogue, if you use a dialogue tag, which you did all the time, like (say, joke, plead, reply, answer, ask...) or anything that indicates speaking, end the dialogue with a comma instead of a period, and start the next sentence with a lower case letter.

Ex. :

"Of course, I was even surprised they sold it here." He says... (Wrong)

"Of course, I was even surprised they sold it here," he says... (Right)

Rule #9 : If you use an action tag, like (laugh, smile, grin...), end with a period and start the next phrase with a capital letter.

Ex. :

"I'm Amara." And I burst out laughing. (Right)

And I suppose that's it. It's all I have to offer for now. The rest is up to you, whether you edit or not. And you can search more rules on the internet, or use one of the many books about editing here on wattpad. You can find some in my reading list (community books). I recommend Edit like an Editor. It's a good book.

#Reader's Enjoyment:

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It was an original story, and I loved that about it. But the poor execution of the plot hindered my enjoyment, especially how messy and jumbled it was between the past and the future, and the two POVs.

#Overall:

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I believe you're on the right way. Your book has great potential, and the plot is amazing. It does need some heavy editing, especially when it comes to punctuation. But I can it's going to be a super great book.