Reviewer: starisredy
Book by: jacquelyngilmore

i. Introduction and Disclaimer

- Hey there, Jackie! I've read three chapters of your book "The Elf Witch".

- Quick reminder that I will not touch up (only nudges, if necessary) on the basic technical aspects of your book (grammar, spelling, punctuation, formatting). But I will touch everything else that falls under the flow of the writing. You can find this part in the third section of the review (iii. Writing Flow).

- Disclaimer: Everything I say here is my personal judgment based on my experiences. These are all my opinions on what I think will make your story better, but that does not mean you need to follow every suggestion I make. You can dismiss or heed any part of this according to what you think will improve your story. You are the author of this story and the only person to decide what is best for it.

ii. Cover, title, blurb

- Your cover is beautiful. The color scheme is soft, yet darker areas lurk from within. It matches well with the expectation of reading the title, as it manipulates a woman from the forest. Beauty, spring, and something gentle blooms from within her, but it comes deep inside among the treacherous scheme of nature. Font families are simple, a bit too simple, but I find that they fit well, especially their placement and matching color schemes with the rest of the cover. Would've perhaps suggested some interaction between the manipulated objects and the typography to make the text, albeit simple, feel more related to the main subject.

- Title is very straightforward, and tells us right away who or what the main subject is. Like above, it matches with the cover especially with the expectations of elves being related to nature, and witches to something bewitching, magical, and dark. Nice, simple, easy to remember, and fitting.

- Blurb isn't too long, structured in a way that's easy on the eyes, and it's quick and snappy. But let's go over a bit from paragraph to paragraph. The first sentence introduces us immediately to what kind of life the main character is going to lead as the story starts. It's a good and strong lead, but the next sentence doesn't feel as impactful. Part of it doesn't feel as connected either. The clause about magic disappearing followed by what will happen to the MC next—these two don't seem to belong in the same sentence, and the introduced stakes of the second clause doesn't feel too high. The cause of this is sentence structure. I will suggest either separating them into two different sentences, or changing part of how the first clause is introduced to show us more that the loss of magic is not a good thing. Or both.

- 'Though' in the first clause adds uncertainty. Not the kind I feel you want to come across, rather, it comes across as it is uncertain if magic really is disappearing, which is what lessens the feeling of impact. I will suggest deleting it and putting an abrupt 'But' at front. So it can be:

"But magic is disappearing. Now, thrust into the treacherous court of her kingdom, Imani is forced to train with the most lethal witches in the world."

- I only changed the structure and a few words, but the rest is still the same as your style. The abrupt end of the first clause here invokes urgency, something that tells us it is not a good thing. And following it with 'Now' lets us know how these two things are connected.

- The second paragraph dives more into mystery and something unknown to be discovered that lies somewhere within the further Imani gets in her journey. Which is great for adding further conflict, issues, and mysteries along the way. But something about this part also feels lacking. I know discretion makes mystery, but the 'dark plan,' 'web of intrigue,' and 'dangers beyond her imagination' are too generalized in a way where instead of eager to know more, I find myself remembering countless other places where similar, vague phrases are brought up in the blurb. No details even just a tiny bit to give a delicious peek of what kind of darkness lies in her late grandmother's plan, or what kind of danger she is facing or will face. This can be more expounded on by changing 'dangers' to something a little bit more specific. Say, 'loss of something precious to her,' 'possible death of loved ones,' 'seeing the holes in her beliefs since childhood,' and many more—these may not seem much, but if they are considered a 'danger' to the main character, we are more likely to also consider it a danger. Not only that, we can relate more to it, and it makes the mystery even thicker. Say it's the loss of a precious item. It begs the question 'what kind of item, and why is it important to her?' Which instinctively makes a potential reader want to know more. This is what you'd call 'the taste of a mystery,' because we get a little taste, without knowing what it is. And doesn't that make you crave more?

- The final paragraph ends in really good points. I will only suggest replacing 'decide to' with 'either,' and altering the final clause. The 'and the realm losing magic forever' reads a bit confusing when partnered with 'or risk becoming a pawn.' The former can be altered to something like 'and allowing magic to disappear from the realm forever.' or something similar. If combined, "-or risk becoming a pawn and allowing magic to disappear from the realm forever" reads easier and with more clarity.

iii. Writing Flow

- Your use of language is top-notch, but we will go over more on that in the next section (see 'iv. Description). But the way we use language has to do with both descriptions and flow, fulfilling the target: readability. While the language, vocabulary, and overall weaving of your words have no problems, there are some issues regarding clarity. In some instances, there is information that doesn't come as clear as the rest. An example I remember is regarding the loss of magic, or the possibility of it. Yes, we understand this clearly, but its connection to what is currently happening, not quite as clear. Perhaps the issue about this lies in the structure of the exposition and actions.

- Pace is slow, and I do think that it makes sense for it to be (especially in the first two chapters). A slow pace in these events mixed with your writing style gives it a dimmer tone that feels very fitting for the rest of what will go down. But in the first two chapters (especially the first), I feel that it is too slow to the point of possibly bugging down attentiveness and storing of information. The reason for this is the exposition. The exposition in between the action (or what is presently happening) bugs down the pace in a possibly not-so-favorable way. This is a crucial thing to look out for especially for the first chapter, as it can push potential readers away. Here are some things that can help regarding exposition:

> know whether readers have to know certain information about the world or character at this point in the story (in this case, the first chapter)

> think of how certain information will help in rounding up a chapter—what does it give this chapter?

>> for the previous one, it's best to know what the chapter mainly revolves in. In chapter one, it seems to be something dark, quite dreadful, and somewhat concerning. Feel free to be more specific.

- More notes regarding exposition: Some expositions can take a reader out of immersing themselves with the vivid descriptions, worldbuilding, and on what's happening when there is too much information that they do not need to know right now. Or simply not important at this point in the story. Try to expose information in times where it not only reminds the POV character/narrator of it, but also when it adds something to what's happening. This is to add not only relevance of information and immersion, but also ensures that the information sticks closer to the readers because it is revealed in a moment where it matters.

- With that said, the expositions in the third chapter is definitely way better than the first two, and the switch to dialogue exposition that doesn't feel info-dumpy is good. The transition in that part doesn't feel jarring, and it connected everything evenly and just fine, which admittedly kept me hooked on how things will go compared to the first ones.

- As previously mentioned- transition. Excusing the improved transition in the third chapter that fit well with the expositions in there and how the chapter started and ended, let's go over a bit about the transition issues with the first two, especially the first chapter.

- Part of what bugs the pace down is the transition between exposition and action. The structure of exposition being larger in size compared to some actions (first chapter) are part of what adds the slowness. But this can be solved easily by thinking back on some previous notes I pointed out. Though, I wouldn't suggest deleting these information/expositions altogether, but just moving it elsewhere, or determining which gets to stay in the first chapter and which will be moved. Again, I suggest putting it in parts where it would stick more with the reader and make sense because it is information that has something to do with 'what's happening at the moment.'

- Now, cliffhanger chapter endings are perfectly fine (they are quite ideal IMO), but the transition of events must flow just as well as the descriptions. In chapter one, the last paragraph feels abrupt, sudden, and even forced and ultimately, disconnected. How did we get to that point from what was happening prior? Should we know at the end of the chapter where Imani is going or went, or should that part be up to the next chapter to introduce to us instead? I can see this (first) chapter ending with a more emotional load and it'll be more impactful, conclude the chapter neatly, and be hooking.

- Last paragraph breaks the immersion for me, and it doesn't make me curious what will happen to her there. It comes too suddenly, and the riverbank is never given any meaning for me to feel worried if something bad might happen, or sad because it might be a place with memories. Sure, it can make some people wonder what comes up next, but the flow is cut and again, the transition is rushed and feels forced. It can make one question what could happen next, but not solidly make anyone turn the next page.

- With that said, I can see chapter two starting with how you ended chapter one, then quickly following right after is the brief mention or exposition of how they've come to live in that place—giving the place some emotional or physical attachment with Imani that translates to the audience easily. This kind of transition from her action (going here) to an exposition (what this place means to her) flows smoothly and feels more connected.

- To touch chapter two a bit more, it's more of an introspection based chapter, which does make it slow. But don't tear yourself apart for when people would say every chapter should have plenty of action (as in active involvement in things) because introspection chapters that lead the character to pursue a more active role by the end of it is not wrong. In fact, it helps in solidifying the readers' expectations for what may or will come next. But again, exposition. While this chapter is better in handling the balance compared to the first, there are still areas that feel a bit jarring, distant, and a little too slow. Part of what makes it feel distant is the somewhat lack of emotional connection between Imani and the things she is reminded of in the past.

- To finish this section, again, the third chapter improved greatly on what the first two couldn't quite achieve. This includes the structure, pacing, balance between expositions and actions, and transitions. Which only means you are doing well.

iv. Description

- You might've heard or read this many times already, but your descriptions are great. Wonderful imagery and rich worldbuilding (clouded with a bit too much exposition). Your use of language adds the right tone for each chapter, the descriptions fit and flow well, and it sets the scene nicely. As far as scenes, setting, character appearances, and tone goes, you do well. Characters are subtly described, and that provides room for freedom but enough details to get a decent grip on what the characters look like. Though at times, it can be a challenge to get a better grip on what they look like.

- In terms of emotional tones, there might be a need for some work. Like I mentioned above (see 'iii. Writing Flow'), there's a lack of emotional connection. Again, the main problem for this (as far as I've read) is the structure of expositions in between actions, and the slightly overwhelming amount of it in the first two chapters. The tip I can give regarding improving this is to give expositions that trigger the character's memories to spark a connection with how they feel about the current events. Or the contrasting feelings they have before and now, or the similarity of it all.

v. Creativity

- So far, the ideas have been quite original. I can't say I've never seen anything like this or similar to this, but there are elements that are starting to prosper and bloom into something unique the further it goes. The worldbuilding also helps in trying to keep things fresh, original, and a thing of its own. Writing style also fits and sets the desired tone well.

- External and internal conflicts are still a bit hazy and aren't touched on as much (which may be part of what makes Imani feel somewhat distant) to leave an impression. Plot development is going at a slow, but reassuring pace that does (again) help set the tone. But I recommend showing more of Imani's conflict in the first two chapters, as this can solidify the conflicts, stakes, and improve emotional connectivity with her.

vi. Characterization (and Development)

- What kind of person Ara is really like, as far as we can tell from Imani's remembrance of her and Malis' later addition on chapter three, is still oddly mysterious. This is a good thing. We have a grasp on what she used to be, but we are given the freedom to somehow decimate whether the heinous crimes are truly caused by her or not. But in conclusion, we can tell she is not exactly a good person.

- Malis is a bit of a passing name at first, but as we reach the third chapter and get Imani's little flashback about what Ara told her about Malis, it has made me expect something from him- and I wasn't let down. From the way his actions and expressions go along with his words, he truly felt like what Ara described him to be. This makes him an even more intriguing character, and is by far the most interesting one for me.

- Finally, Imani. She feels like a lost, angry, and uneasy person. Even somewhat empty- or trying to be empty. I can liken her to a chaotic ball of uncertainty. I think we need more of her goals, desires, the things that matter to her, etc to fully grasp her character.

vii. Dialogue Analysis

- On point. Imani's conversation with her grandmother in her memories portrays a really messy but somewhat functional relationship between them. Her responses to Malis also flow incredibly well. The same goes for Malis' lines. His words, phrases, and behavior really contribute to what kind of character you established him to be, and it works super. No dialogue in the span of three chapters (though the first two only had brief recollections) feels off, and I daresay everything else in the next chapters is just as good if not better.

viii. Other suggestions

- Some more structural adjustments. There are paragraphs that include information that feels more fitting and may improve writing flow if separated into a different paragraph instead. To easily spot these kinds of areas, see how sentences in one paragraph connect to each other. But that's not all you ought to look out for. There is also the relevance and impact. Sometimes, certain information about something is better to be separated into its own paragraph (as a sentence paragraph) because it gives that information or exposition an air of importance, improves impact, and directs an audience's focus on it. Which is good for things that also impact the character, especially on a psychological (emotional and mental, with a more lean on the former) level.

- This can make something appear more important than it usually is. Because it is important to the character. What we see is important to them and given the reason why, makes it feel important to us, too, and again, improves emotional connectivity and engagement.

ix. Final notes

- Admittedly, the first chapter really didn't hook me. But after half of the second and the third, it did. While your descriptions, for instance, are superb, this can be a lethal double-edged blade. As it can either enhance the story by adding so much more to it, or bury the story under it.

- I do like the somewhat slow pace, but not in the way it was slowed down because of the imbalance between expositions and actions.

- Do remember that these are all my opinions and just one person's lens through your story. I hope you enjoyed reading this review and learned something from it. I sincerely apologize for taking super duper long in completing this. I don't want to make any further excuses, but I really appreciate your understanding and patience. And finally, thank you for choosing me to review your story!