Reviewer: TheManofFiction

Client: june_berrin

First impression

The concept of the first chapter gets us going. We, the readers, are introduced to this alternate version of our world where people with superpowers are hunter down and publicly murdered.

So hints of this Salem type of culture with modern elements are brought to the table, which is an interesting matchup to say the least.

I do enjoy the subtle details you planted in. For one, we aren't told that the protagonist is unaware of the passing of her mother, but we get to SEE this through her surprise of seeing her on screen - dread worsening when the main character notices the reporter's "victorious" attire (which does add a bit of depth into how these people treat these minorities, their death like some kind of game).

*Also, if Alyssa's in the photo as well, why doesn't anyone notice that?*

Alyssia and Nevaeh's relationship is something I admire, as you see their empathy towards the other, and how they have each other's backs. Quite admirable and heartwarming in that first scene where they discovered Alyssia's mum died, and Nevaeh helped get suspicion off of her.

You know, I'm beginning to notice the level of emotion you put in here. See, it's not just about survival and powers and cool fight scenes with swords, but about relationships and how they either form of break under the pressure of hardships. Some of her relationships seem to grow tighter, while we see others, such as her and her brother, become a little more distant (as it happened after the discovery of Alyssia's letter).

I believe this is the heart of your story - Alyssia and her friends who would either stick by and fight for her, or eventually ditch her in the end - an idea I believe you have much play with.

Now as for the vagueness of the powers - it used to be a complaint. But recently I've been reading Mistborn, and the author does keep a level of mystery behind the powers for a while, although it isn't for long. The only thing I don't get is why Alyssia doesn't know what exactly her powers are or how one gets powers. She's part of this group with their own way of life, almost, but she seems oblivious as to how Wielder's work.

Fight scene -

I so enjoyed how you kickstarted the first combat scene with the lightning flash striking across the old fellow's face before he leapt towards her with a sword. The battle following that moment isn't one sided, but on equal standing, each opponent having minor victories and slip ups that lead to the end result. Because of this, the fight scene is believable. Now what do I mean by this? Does a character need to be 50% messed up at the end of a dangerous encounter in order for it to be realistic?

Nah. Some characters are just weapons experts. What I'm saying is that Alyssia is a teenage girl. Yeah, she had experience, but would that experience match well against an old man, who by his age, could have been training for much longer?

In this case, it did, but not by much. Alyssia nearly died. Several times. And with scars on her body to prove it. So this made the fight scene while reading it not only exciting, but tense. It wouldn't be tense if she was some video game character who won every fight. Rather, she's in jeopardy of losing, and we see that happen in many unsure moments, all the while crafting a fight scene that for the most part flows organically in our minds. Well done on that.

*I also took note of how you detailed the senses, like touch and sight, and each type of pain, internal turmoil, the discomfort of the damp terrain, and the dimming and changing of the senses when one is either scared witless or hit. Not only do you just describe the fight scene, but you allow us to become part of it. We are the characters in moments like this. I guess this is the goal of the writer. It's great to have this greatly thought of scene in mind and to just write what you see, but it takes an exceptional level of care and attention to go into how the character feels - on several levels, without breaking the flow of the scene. (If you were to break the scene's flow in writing about the character's deeper experience, you would probably do so by explaining how they felt. But instead, you immersed us and allowed us to feel what they were going through.)*

Necessary lack of detail

Now I would like to add how you don't let us into the entirety of the Alyssia's internal world (thoughts, emotions and internal goals - if you didn't know what that was). This is a good thing, as it adds surprise. Now before you go off taking this compliment, let me add at what point you made good use of this.

It was the car ride with Alyssia, her brother Everard, and the mystery guy who can control the dead. Marven insisted that only Alyssia steps into the safe haven, something that visibly ticks everyone off. But Alyssia bends her will and submits. At least, that's what we think at first, for we get to realize that Alyssia is more persistent than we think - something that surprises even Everard.

Yes, let there be unsaid thoughts. The human mind is a complex thing, and we see that in day to day life. We should see that in your characters, and this was a pleasing display of that.

Oh, the places we'll go

So you've got a few fictional locations going. What's the town she's from called? Kertnigh? Kertnigh is one, but what is Kertnigh like? I see the cottage... the coffee shop... it's a bit hazy. What's the essence of Kertnigh - it's culture (despite the Salem attitude towards Wielder's, 'cause that's probably a national thing)?

Some towns are famous or at least known to some extent for certain things. Is it a fishing town whose economy and culture flourished from things like fishing and urban legends about some beast from a local lake? Is it a mountainous region known for hiking, sledding and missing 411 cases? Maybe a beach area known for its nightlife and wild parties? What is Kertnigh? Even if it's your typical, mundane suburban town, there's still a shared culture or feel the place may give off. What's going on in the town on a typical day? If it's just flat out boring, how could you evoke that through Alyssia's surroundings?

...And if Kertnigh isn't the name for it then I apologize. I went back to scan for the name afterwards and I couldn't find it.

Blurb

"...When the news of her mother's demise reaches her like a moth drawn to a fire Alessia falls victim to the twisted games of the shadows. And it didn't help that Alessia was just the perfect scapegoat. Neither a perfect human nor a perfect wielder"

I suggest going back to correct the punctuation. There should be a comma between "fire" and "Alyssia".

Also, since this states the fact that Alyssia finds out about her mom's death which happens in the first chapter, should that be placed first in the blurb and the island later on?

Also, the cover is professional and immediately eye-catching.

Dialogue

I would say that one of the things you need to improve upon is dialogue. Let's be honest, we don't speak poetry when we're going through tough emotions. On the contrary, our words are less refined and more crude. I don't see why her brother talked like that when he realized that she wanted to run away. But I already left a comment on that part. In short, just be aware of the way people talk. If you try to be more fancy with words the more emotional things get, you may risk causing the characters to feel less believable (unless if the character actually does speak unusually, but then someone probably should point that out, knowing it's unusual).

Beware

So you should know about my obvious reviewing flaws. I tend to think far ahead (AKA, make false judgements) with reading too little. I had a bit of strain against there not being a "powered" faction that resisted, or at least got together for survival. Surprise, there was! Why, it was even mentioned in the blurb!

Yeah, sorry. I mean, I've just recently begun appreciating the work you've been doing. Before I start appreciating, I tend to overlook things as I'm closer to reading mode than reviewing mode until I get deeper into the flow, if you get my drift.

However... you may get something from what I wrote a while back. You may not. Either way, take this with a grain of salt. What you see may spark some ideas or help expand on some you already have.

Alright so this is what I wrote:

Don't feel too bad about the empty worldbuilding. See it as great potential, because that's exactly what it is. From what it seems, this world is like ours, but with the difference of super powers and an alternate government. This already will create so much change due to the human psyche and the domino effect - one little change having the greatest end result. And as for these two very bold nuances in this fictional world, we should see a great shift in culture - which you have started to expand upon.

The people are violent. They have a deep seated bigotry for these powered-folk, so much so that they would broadcast their dead mangled bodies on television for all to see. It's like the culture of Salem but in the modern world.

But think about this - bigotry creates whole movements holding certain levels of extremity with their believes. Think about racism and the cults that go with it: You have your average racist who, although quiet about, likes to keep to his "own kind", while those in allegiance to the KKK go even further to incite violence upon others of a different skin colour. I believe there are other groups who incorporate racism into their beliefs and acts on them in different ways, say some religious groups.

But we will also see factionalism from the side being oppressed. In this world, it's the powered-folk being hunted down. It would only be normal if some of those people were to ban together in secrecy - some wanting to live a peaceful life, others wanting something more, something radical. And to gain that radical result, they're willing to commit any violence necessary.

Alright, so that's it for the 10 chapters. I hope it helped! Keep writing, as your story shows much potential!