Client: samridhiwith1d

Reviewer: TheManofFiction

The Greatest Villain of all Time: Review for chapters 1-10

Chapter 1

Intro

The story begins with a captivating visual of the two boys meditating, and one being attacked by an invisible force, causing black liquid to gush from Biju's mouth. Instead of bombarding the reader with info previous to the story even beginning, you give us the courtesy to be thrown headfirst in this odd world with oodles to share. I also admire that you don't give us an immediate explanation behind Biju's sickness. You and I know that there's a level of vagueness that is needed, as that leads to the sense of mystery and novelty. All one needs to do is preserve and nourish it for as long as one needs to.

I've also noticed that the protagonist "regains consciousness" after he sees Biju dying out, so I assume it to be a "vision", or a break in the spiritual realm where he sees glimpses of what's occurring in the physical plane, that is, Biju's suffering. Because of this, I imagine the two characters floating in a sea of darkness, in between life and death. However, you mention them being in a river. Not a river in a place of darkness, but a regular river, giving us the belief that it's in the natural world. Since you added the saying "he regained consciousness" after mentioning the river, I do suggest going back and refurbishing what it is the protagonist saw around himself. Perhaps a dream-like reality? A sort of... limbo? Go wild.

Imagery

The imagery does require some improvement. I know this is an alternate version of India with hints of fantasy (as I see references to some magic system), however, what I see in my head doesn't share that sense of wonder. To be honest, throughout the chapter, I wasn't certain what to invision, especially when they got to the school.
This doesn't mean that a world must be over-the-top gorgeous just because there's magic. Your worldbuilding can be humble and down to earth. What matters is that we are convinced and understand what the author is trying to convey. Problem is, I'm not sure what you're imagining. You describe the school to be made of brick and mud. That's fair, but isn't it an elite academy where even the princess is attending to? A building can be made of those materials and look elegant, but describe the material alone and I imagine shoddy architecture. Mud and bricks aren't too flattering. The imagery when the trio of friends reach the town could also be revamped a little. Eyes are staring at them, but is it massively crowded? What are people doing? Are there shops, street vendors, animals? Are the animals or vendors carrying any exotic goods? You should use this opportunity to give us an immediate and enticing introduction to the unique culture of your world. Even if their culture is synonymous with India's, explain India's everyday culture in a way that would make me feel like I'm there, part of the experience.

However, you did take time into describing the doctor's office space, which is appreciated.

Wording and grammar

I suggest paying close attention to grammar, as there's some sections where a comma was needed, or a sentence that needed to be worded differently.
"There is no sign of movement on Biju's end making my palms clammy"
Perhaps it's just me, but I've read that as a run on sentence. A comma between "end" and "making" would make it more concise. But even then, that sentence sounds a bit wonky. I suggest playing with the placement of words and how to say the same sentence. Truthfully, that's how I sort things out - by how it sounds.
"River Amrit is located outside the town and that's why it took us a while to reach."
As a quick fix, I suggest playing a period after "town", and starting another sentence with "That's", creating "River Amrit is located outside the town. That's why it took us a while to reach it"

However, it's worded in a way which sounds like they've already reached their location, even though they continue their journey during the length of a few paragraphs. To better suit this, write in the moment, with the same sense of urgency the characters feel, instead of wording it in a way that sounds more distant and less suspenseful.

Ex: "River Amrit is a good distance away from the town. No matter Biju's state, he's gonna have to hold on. At least for a while longer. He will not give him the courtesy of dying yet."
(You don't have to copy this, and I recommend you don't. I suggest figuring out your own wording)

*I know this all seems like a minimal detail, but I'm hoping you would incorporate these principles I mention into every piece of writing. I also prefer not to state that there's grammatical errors and not list any examples*

However, right after this sentence, I do like the feeling of dread you convey the protagonist having.
"I don't know if Biju is breathing. I don't know if Biju is... No, it couldn't be much of a big problem. He's alive, with us."
The subtext effectively reflects what the character is thinking and feeling. You did good here.

Chapter 2

For sure, this chapter was much more interesting. To be clear, I wasn't interested in Princess Arasi in the first chapter. Maybe not anything you did wrong, I'm just not into princesses. But Thinking back at this chapter, I see how you began to flesh her out. She has issues with her father not recognizing her the way she would want to, which lots of people can relate with. Now remember, each little thing has potential. Writing this, I haven't read the following chapters yet, but you can use that inner conflict. That validation she feels - it can become a source of motivation for the things she does. It can even lead to her making some mistakes. Mind you, she already disagrees with her father's methods of ruling the kingdom. THe time may come when either she must betray her father or in some way go behind his back (which should being much emotional hurt), or decide to have his back despite her disagreement in the mere desire to please him and to be seen with love. Yes indeed, this conflict can go far.

But regardless of what you do, keep an open mind. See whether you can use any concept such as that to develop deeply in both detail and importance as the story goes on. It would make the reading experience much rewarding, that is, if we see memorable and drastic growth to the little ideas we started of with in the story. It gives us the idea that everything matters.

The paradigm shift you bring upon is enticing as well, as it develops a fascinating situation. A girl unlocks this "second soul", which isn't truly a soul, yet she can converse with it as if it was. It's a phenomena that makes us question the nature of the magic system and the knowledge of these magicians. It makes us wonder about the depths of the mystery of this spiritual realm. But on top of that, the two would be an interesting duo. I wonder how they will help each other out as the story goes along.

Imagery

Imagery is more detilailed in this one. Though the architecture lacks, you seem to enjoy describing clothing, which is a good step in the right direction. Of course, much of the vocabulary I didn't understand, but thats fine! I don't know a whole lot of indian culture, anyway.
I would suggest trying together what this palace is like. The decor? Any artworks or symbolism? More on what the garden was like would've also been good.

Guriji seems like the father Princess Arasi always wanted. Maybe he'll make for a beneficial ally, or an unsuspected enemy in the situation where he takes his father side over her's, pricing that maybe they weren't as close as she thought. Mere speculation. I'm only throwing these out to help generate ideas if you need any—

Chapter 3

I enjoy the introduction to the boy's family and how they interact with one another. I can understand why you would want to flesh that out and make it known to the reader.

So here's the info that I enjoyed uncovering:

The character's family. I do hope you'll flesh them out and make them an important part of not just the plot, but of the character's emotional development. A story relying on more in depth characters whose actions intermingle with one another to contribute to the ultimate end result is a much more dynamic one.
The 100 year peace treaty that is to end in  year (adds tension and great expectations)
The lore about the river and the water Goddess
And the death of Biju.

All of these seem significant, however, I would suggest improvement on the pacing. The change of scenery from the home to the temple was fine, but perhaps cut out the "waiting period" in between where they were stuck in line.

For example, I suggest that right after they leave the house, the story transitions them already being in the temple. In the temple, we see atheists mock the worshippers and idols, throwing insults and rubbish (so you still include all the details you wanted to put in with less waiting). Here he says his desperate prayer, then... he gets news about Biju?

In this way, the story flows with less pauses. If you think its too hasty, that's fine. But may I suggest: including within the scene when Biju is standing right outside of the hospital may add even more tension. He just got back from the temple, perhaps in a hurry, heart beating fast. But then he sees the chaos of the hospital from the inside.

He starts to panic. He rushes inside, forces his way past the front desk reception (if that's how it works here), and finds Biju. You created that suspense already, as you describe the chaos befalling the hospital. I only suggest that you do so gradually, then speed things up, adding more and more stress throughout. That movement and growth of emotion and tone feels more organic and well planned, and less choppy.

*If you may have noticed, I'm going on to the more delicate and rather "unseen" parts of a story structure. I believe that even though most folks don't point those things out, they are crucial to sustaining the feel and quality of a story. Of course, since I'm learning too, you may prove me wrong, but I will continue to say my piece in case if that may help you*

Chapter 4

So far this is the best chapter for the fleshing out of a character. You see in practice Arasi's benevolence, humility and bravery. And in the reader's fulfilment, you make it so that she's not some prized daughter. She has a say of what goes on in politics.

You begin adding more things to her character, like her love for music. Little details like that add to a character, even though said details may not be crucial to the story. It makes them believable that they have lives and interests outside of the main plot. You also mention her gaining "momentary happiness" from a "white powder". I'm guessing she's a drug addict. If not, then I hope you clarify what this means. Remember, if one's a drug addict, it may show in their day to day lives. It may make them anxious, slightly anti social, perhaps easily agitated? I'm putting this out there because princess Arasi seems oddly put together for someone who does drugs (assuming she does).

*But I had an Idea: IF she's an addict, that could play into the reason why she unlocked her second soul too late. Perhaps the drugs push her back. If so, you could make it an internal conflict to quit her addiction, as she would need to cut out that substance that helps her "cope", in order to get stronger to better face challenges and life and protect those she loves. It's either her coping mechanism that allows her to deal with her woes, or facing her fears (or something of the sort)*

The fight scenes are fun to picture in my head, and are eloquently written. Sometimes moment like these in a story are difficult to craft, but you seemed to have gotten a good grasp on it.

Pacing

The pacing was so well done here. Many writers feel like they need to write every part of a character's journey, but you kept it sweet in simple. First, the princess whas in the palace where she had the exchange with her father. Next, the story cuts to her being at the river, the princess giving the guards the command to give her some space. You didn't write a paragraph about the journey from point "A" to "B", which is something I'm thankful of.

You'd be surprised of how many people get this wrong. Only write scenes that serve to push the story forward to keep the story productive, not wasting time with "fluff". Too much "fluff" or needless scenes or descriptive paragraphs make a story a bore to read.

Keep practicing this technique. It is, perhaps, one of the most curial elements in writing.

Chapter 5

This chapter was entirely dedicated to Onkar's grief. You didn't dissapoint. I never dealt with loss before, but I wouldn't have a hard time believing that you did. It feels like you're writing from experience.

The sadness, disbelief, anger, and the thought that you could've prevented it - they're all emotions that go into such loss, so Onkar's experience with Biju's death seems nothing but realistic. Perhaps he believes his death to be his fault besides how they dealt with him being sick. I'm guessing this from the flashback at the start of the chapter. What really got my attention is when Biju sad "Ya'll are going to kill me one day,". And now here, we see the end result of Biju's conflict. Thinking back to that moment, Onkar is overflowed with guilt.

Lovely chapter. Quite a short one, too. So much more so that you could maybe have combined this chapter and the next one, but I see that each chapter is separated by the point of view. Although it's shortness was a surprise, it isn't a major complaint. However, some readers may find the lack of consistency in the chapter length to be a bit distasteful.

Overall, you did a great job here!

Chapter 6

You surprised us with this one. Parin's promises begin to take bloom, as Arasi unleashes a marvelous level of strength. This is also where we meet Divya. I do enjoy her playful mischievous personality, and would go well with Arasi's more serious behavior. I can see this panning out to make an interesting friendship. Also, after reading later chapters, I see that the both agree on certain injustices done by the King. Perhaps when Arasi picks a side, Divya could be an accomplice?

You also delve into more imagery here. Before it was lacking, but I do enjoy the attention you put into embellishing the scene.

As for Arasi's show of power, I do believe you could have been a bit more immersive with that one. It feels like you're almost comparing it to a rushing storm, as you do say that the water rushed around her so forcefully that it could drown someone. Perhaps play with sight, sound and even touch to make this more vivid and believable in our minds.

Chapter 7

A short one, but much appreciated. Here we see Onkar still coping with the lingering pain from the loss of his friend. Again, his grief feels beleivable. You don't have the narrator dwell for paragraphs about his grief and how he feels sorry for himself. Some authors will go on and on trying to convey the feeling of grief, but you don't do that. To make the reader feel the character's emotional turmoil, you don't merely explain it or go on a tangent about his or her's negative feelings. Instead, you keep it short and sweet, relying on little details like Onkar reminiscing on days spent with his best friend and having him feel a bitter sweetness from them (plus the addition of using sleep for a depression coping mechanism, which is realistic and relatable for many dealing with the same thing).

You also see some characters who have perhaps the littlest connection to Biju be affected by his loss. Because Onkar is in grieving, the softer side of other characters, like the little sister, begin to reveal itself. Seeing the sister be empathetic and caring to her older brother is sweet to see, and allows us to better understand these characters as people when they're put under unique circumstances.

Chapter 8

Ah, this chapter was incredible! The characters were put in a tough scenario that had huge stakes, which is what creates tension. The thing at risk was not only the farmer's livelihood, but Arasi's "positive" relationship with her father that she longs to uphold after a life of dissapointment. So all in all, you have two things at risk - both internal and external, both being highly significant. This is the recipe for an enticing conflict!
In the end, Arasi chooses to stay silent, which has consequences of its own. First off, the farmer dies in a freak accident, second is that she ends up dissapointing Divya instead. So here we have the situation where no matter what choice she picked, there would be something negative that would come about it. But that's fine. Characters are allowed to have lows in their relationships. It's only a matter of curiosity how Arasi will make it up to herself and Divya.

I just hope that you later provide an explanation for that seemingly random explosion.

ALso, I have noticed how Arasi gets emotionally hurt and fearful pertaining things directing towards herself (like when the farmer calls her incompetent, when the father looks down at her, and when Divya calls her a coward), but we don't see a whole lot of emotion boiling from her when she sees her father's life in danger. Does she not care as much because she knows he's plenty capable to defend himself?

As for the narration, I appreciate the unique style. It coincides directly with the Character's emotions and thoughts, refraining from sounding to calculative and emotionless. It sounds like they're the ones telling the story, and not some other narrator claiming to be the character (Character's voice should equate to the Narrator's voice in 1st person works, as the protagonists are literally the narrator themselves).

Chapter 9

This is when we have Onkar and Kartik finally move on, and it ends on a cliffhanger. Very good! I do suggest that during a conversation, you make it clear as to who's speaking. Since the voices of these characters sound the same in my head (not literal voice, but how they talk), it's difficult to know who's the one speaking. This causes me to have to read a line of dialogue twice when I'm corrected by the dialogue tag. I also suggest finding ways to have the characters have more distinct voices, as that also helps.

Chapter 10

I think it's interesting how Parin has the same internal goals as Arasi - the one she doesn't wish to voice, that is, to gradually take away the power and reputation away from the corrupt king. Although Arasi is constantly out to please her father, she secretly desipses how he runs things. Again, she hardly acts on this part of her, but Parin knows about this, and she's all in for it.

You could say that Parin is like a second consciousness and an aid to give a voice to the desires Arasi has trouble fulfilling. One of my favorite relationships in the story, by far!

We also subtly see Arasi's and Divya's relationship begin to mend, as they become slightly warmer towards eachother. Obviously, Divya's distaste for her was only momentary.

Since this story is called "the greatest villain of all time", I believe we will soon find out what's happening to River Amrit. Perhaps this villain is behind it.