Dungeon by Ablazeisaleo

Reviewer: Owls1221

Title: 10/10

At first, I was a bit confused regarding the word choice for the crime and thriller genre. However, based on the other elements in the book (summary and cover) it gave me a different but a good perspective. It's a crime story with the possibility of involving the past (ancient or medieval past I mean), hence the word 'Dungeon' instead of modern words like prison or jail. In short, it's a really great title for this kind of story.

Cover: 10/10

The cover looks amazing. The colours and the font do match the theme and the plot. Also, it looks like a professional had made it and it seems like I might find this in a bookstore and I would buy it. With the sticker on the cover saying it's featured, it should be a really good story.

Summary: 10/10

The summary is on point. It gave a brief description of what the book is about while at the same time making the reader curious for more. Also, from my personal perspective, I was attracted to it more because it gave me an atmosphere that I enjoy reading. So it's not just the plot, but also the vibes in this book that grabbed my interest.

Grammar: 8/10

The grammar in the book was mostly good. However, there were very few errors regarding the placements of commas and the use of tenses. There were certain sentences that didn't need commas because they were very short and some were a little confusing. Like this example in Chapter 1:

X incorrect X:

"But his son, his only son's, life is at stake."

It's a bit confusing in terms of strange placement of the comma which would distract the readers and confuse them. It's best if it was written like this:

O correct O:

"But his son, his only son, was at stake."

Or

"But his son, his only son's life was at stake."

As for the tenses, you should try and use one tense per chapter. One paragraph was written in the past, the next paragraph is in the present. Sometimes, sentences themelseves have a mixture of past and present. Just like this very paragraph you're reading. To stop readers from getting confused about when the story is taking place, try using one tense, either the past or the present. Overall, I wasn't entirely confused.

Vocabulary: 9/10

There was a good use of vocabulary. However, there were few repetitions of not just words but also sentences. My only suggestion for this is to use as many synonyms as possible.

Spelling: 10/10

No spelling mistakes

Hook: 9/10

Again the cover, the title, and the summary gave me a certain vibe which gripped my attention to find out what this story is about. I'll explain more i theother sections.

Character Development: 7.5/10

I understand the MC's traits of him being intimidating and cold because of his past, but sometimes I feel like he's quick to act/judge/accept things? I understand that he's a teenager but I feel like he somehow doesn't have some kind of logic? (Spoiler here) The MC accepts the job offer just so he can get information about his family, but doesn't he worry about getting fired for his misbehaviour in the department? Especially on the day he's about to get interviewed? Yes there were times he tried to keep it cool but there should be some considerations the MC should have when committing certain actions in certain situations. That way you can raise the stakes and make it more interesting (and a bit more realistic?). This is just an opinion.

Plot Development: 8/10

The plot is progressing at a good pace. I feel like the whole story is moving forward by showing us aftermaths and sometimes continuing from where we left off.

Personal Enjoyment: 8.5/10

I enjoyed the book really. It's just the writing style confused me a bit which prevented me from enjoying it fully? See writing section for more information.

Punctuation: 8/10

Again see the grammar sections for the commas.

Pacing: 9/10

The story is a bit quick due to the chapters being short. But that doesn't mean it's bad.

Writing: 8.5/10

At first, it seemed like screen writing, but as I kept reading the book (I read all chapters since ther were only seven) I noticed that it was kinda shifting between screen writing and normal writing.

The story is great honestly, you just need to fix it in terms of the layout and structure of your book.

1- It might be okay to read the story on a laptop because I have a bigger screen, however, most people use their phones to read and from their version the story is going to look like a giant blocks of text. Which could scare or bore the readers away.

I highly suggest you break the text into smaller paragraphs to make it easier to read, if you're writing on your laptop (obviously writers use their laptops to write) it's best if you wrote three to four lines maximum.

Especially for dialogue. When writing dialogue and the character's thoughts it's best if you put the dialogue in it's own paragraph so the readers can easily know who's talking or if there's action going on. Because honestly, I got confused on who spoke and who did what from the big blocks of texts. If you didn't understand what I mean here's an example:

X incorrect X:

(Note: this is from my first book and I'll use it as an example)

"Well? Aren't you going to answer me?" Salvador asked again, and Fearian remained silent. Salvador waited for a few more moments, and he stared at him in the eye to search for the answers himself while Fearian stared back. However, the king sighed in defeat. "You leave me no choice... I have made my decision," he cleared his throat. "there's only one way to stop getting yourself into trouble, and I'm sure that people would find it a relief when this is put to an end," he said as he moved his arms behind his back. "I'll accept any punishment you give, if it means teaching me a lesson." Fearian sniffed.

O correct O:

"Well? Aren't you going to answer me?" Salvador asked again, and Fearian remained silent.

Salvador waited for a few more moments, and he stared at him in the eye to search for the answers himself while Fearian stared back. However, the king sighed in defeat.

"You leave me no choice... I have made my decision," he cleared his throat. "There's only one way to stop getting yourself into trouble, and I'm sure that people would find it a relief when this is put to an end," he said as he moved his arms behind his back.

"I'll accept any punishment you give, if it means teaching me a lesson." Fearian sniffed.

As you can see here, the text and the dialogue were broken down into smaller chunks for an easy read. If there's only two characters in the chapter or scene, you can write their speech without the dialogue tags or actions or just add their pronouns instead of repeating their names. Unless there are more than three characters, then yes you should add tags and names of who's speaking.

2- For the screen writing part, same with the grammar section, choose one style of writing per chapter or for the entire book. You can either write it like a play, or normal story telling. The reason is obvious, it confuses the readers in terms of showing names of characters we never knew and telling emotions. For example, in the second chapter, the man that was meeting the MC was supposed to be mysterious, yet you showed us his name first before the character does, like this:

(He didn't say this exactly I know but this is just an example)

Arnold: Hello

Later on in the second or third chapter

Arnold said. "By the way I'm Arnold."

Basically, you told the audience that this supposed mysterious character's name is arnold but the MC doesn't know his name.

I prefer if you called Arnold as the old man in the MC's perspective until Arnold himself reveals his name to the character. That way you're showing instead of telling. After all, this is a crime and mystery story.

So overall, the book is great with it's vocabulary, cover, blurb, and the atmosphere. It's just that a few minor things need to be fixed in order for the reader to understand and enjoy the narrative.