Client: TheManofFiction

Reviewer: Owls1221

Title: 10/10

The title was a bit confusing at first, but I did some research for the meaning of the words and now I find the title to be fascinating indeed. From my understanding, the story might be about a family name that holds some kind burning meaning behind it or something like that. It's an epic title in my opinion.

Cover: 9/10

The cover is well done. It's just missing the author's name on the cover.

Summary: 9/10

The summary is intriguing and it makes me interested to find out what happens in the book. It also gave a peculiar atmosphere. Although it didn't give me information regarding the timeline of the plot, whether it takes place in medieval, Victorian, or modern times. It was a bit confusing for me, so just add a hint of the time period.

Grammar: 10/10

The grammar was done appropriately and accurately. Well, there were some errors but they seem to be accidental/typos.

I pointed some of them below.

Prologue:

"Every so softly" should be "ever so softly"

"He" meant to be "She"

"It's beating" meant to be "its beating" for possessive meaning

"Lounged" meant to be "lunged"

Chapter 1:

"Feel" rather than "feeling" in "she could almost feeling"

"Put" instead of "but on a show"

They're really few and scattered throughout the book but it didn't affect me much because I understand them as typos. When you have the time you could proofread it again.

Vocabulary: 10/10

The vocabulary was brilliant and consistent. The way you used them and how you put certain terminology to convey what is happening was phenomenal.

Spelling: 9.5/10

Again, the majority was good. There were little misspellings.

Hook: 10/10

I was pretty hooked! So hooked by the events that unfolded in the book. I'll explain further in the other sections.

Character Development: 10/10

The characters were so interesting to read. I liked the way you showcased their personality through their dialogue and interaction with one another. I also liked the way you portrayed their emotions. You've done a very good job. There's more I want to say but again, see the other sections.

Plot Development: 10/10

The plot was developing. However, because this takes place in a fictional world, there was a lot of world-building presented so we can get the gist of the plot and how the world operates. Which I really didn't mind.

Personal Enjoyment: 10/10

Here's the thing, I really really enjoyed reading this story. The reasons are that: the book has a steampunk element to it which is my favourite. The whole plot was truly fascinating to read, it was like Maze Runners but imagine it taking place in the Victorian period (probably a dystopian era as well?) mixed with steampunk.

The main cast are kids who are acting like adults due to the lack of 'real adults' in their world (except for King Thorn being the only 'adult'). It felt weird but interesting at the same time to see literal children being mature for their age and taking actual jobs to benefit their society. And the world-building regarding their age limit? That they think they only have 18 years to live and then die because of it? Fascinating indeed.

In other words, your world-building (along with its mysteries) was what kept me so invested in your story that I kept turning the pages for more. The characters, the cliffhangers, sudden plot twists, the mysteries surrounding the "truth". I was reading at 8 PM or 9 PM and I checked the clock again to see it's 5 AM. I forgot that I was reading this book to review it but ended up being immersed. I could seriously read this in my spare time. Basically, this story is right up my alley.

Punctuation: 8/10

The narrative was great, truly. However, I have to address some errors present in this section. I don't know if it's considered to be fine or not but I'll point it out just in case (I have a critical linguist that can't shut up in my head).

Some of the dots confused me on whether there is a time skip or a pause in the chapters. Some were three dots and others were more than three. Perhaps you could use symbols instead to declare a time skip?

Few errors in punctuation in dialogue. When a character speaks or uses words related to speech, use commas. When the character performs an action, you can put a full stop instead. Here's an example:

"Hey, Max, take a look at this," he said. → When the character speaks, add a comma and keep the first letter small (see the underline).

"Hey, Max, take a look at this." He crouched. → When the character performs an action, add a full stop and capitalise the first letter of the first word (see the underline). This includes the use of ellipsis (the three dots) as well.

Some sentences needed commas as they felt too long and a bit confusing. Try giving the readers a break or a pause by adding commas.

There were a lot of run-on sentences. I know I said add commas, but also try not to add a lot of them.

Again, capitalise letters after full stops and ellipsis

Un-capitalise letters when there's a comma before it, especially in dialogues. See the previous example with the use of a comma.

Pacing: 9/10

To be honest, it felt a bit slow due to the chapters being long, which took about 2o minutes to read for each chapter. That was also because there were a lot of descriptions of emotions and the setting. But again I didn't mind it. I think it's fine because it gives readers time to adjust to the world and the narrative.

Writing: 9/10

I don't think there were a lot of mistakes in this section. But I'll provide some pointers and recommendations.

I noticed that some paragraphs were too long when it came to descriptions. I recommend that you try to break these large paragraphs into small chunks so readers can easily read the chapter. Otherwise, some readers might skip some of the text just to find relevant or interesting events or scenes.

Also, be careful with the characters' positions in the scene or dialogue. Here's an example from Chapter 1:

When did Bridgid sit so she could stand up again? (after "littlings don't usually...")

Throughout the narrative Bridgid was walking around and standing most of the time, but then along the way she suddenly gets up from a chair that wasn't mentioned. Just try to focus on where and what the characters are doing when they talk

One more thing, avoid any description that breaks the 'feel' in the plot. From what I understand there is the element of steampunk, and steampunk usually has machines that are only powered by steam and mechanics (gears). So when you mentioned "a video game controller" I was a bit distracted by the concept. How do they know what a video game controller was in a Victorian/Edwardian era? I understand that the readers will immediately get the idea, but in my perspective it seemed a little odd to me. Describing the controller with a "base" was enough for me to understand.

Overall, the book was really, really, a fun read. I loved the world-building you produced and the characters you created (especially Artoym, I hope I spelled his name correctly) as well as the mysteries you added regarding the main plot. Again, I could read this in my spare time and find out what happens next.

Bonus Review: I've seen the drawings you put of the characters and I think they're really nice. Most people prefer to imagine how the characters look in writing but it doesn't hurt to make an illustration. In fact, it helped me picture the characters easily. It's even nicer to know you can draw your own characters and put them in your story. I'm also an artist who does the same 😀 (well not a professional one, but I do make my art decent enough to look nice).