Reviewer: Owls1221

Client: Bishesbehatin

Title: 6/10

The title is nice and it does help deliver the idea that this story is going to be dark and brutal (and bloody). However, I hate to say this, but unfortunately the title didn't grab my attention and it wasn't that interesting to me personally. I've seen a lot of titles like that for fantasy novels. It's always about the kingdom of something or sword of this and that or crown of that and this. Basically it's a trend that almost every fantasy writer is aiming for which is honestly unoriginal at this point.

To be really honest, I prefer the previous title "Prophecy of Ice" more because... Well... Yes, prophecy of something is also one of those titles but in your story it was a bit different. It caught my attention in a way that made me curious. Prophecy of Ice? What about Ice? Is there some kind of magical kind of ice that is different from ordinary ice powers? etc. That title had a really good impression on me because you used an intermediate word and put it with a simple word like ice, thus bringing curiosity to the reader.

Now I'm not telling you to go completely original nor telling you to change the title. All I did was let you know why I didn't like it that much. You can still keep the current title and the cover.

Cover: 9/10

Not going to lie, the cover is pretty great. The golden font, the glowing effect on the crown, the small details like the blood coming out from the crown. It's all great, just that the sub-title below and the author's name should be a little brighter and bolder? Because it was a little faint, especially for someone who uses a phone to read.

Other than that the cover is still great. It feels like it was made from scratch.

Summary: 9/10

The summary is also great, it created a mysterious and dark atmosphere and also made me curious to what is happening. Also, something about Nyxalia going outside the wall has given me a certain feeling (well it's more of a vibe) that makes me want to read and find out.

Just a few things though. The order of events in the summary felt a bit strange, not confusing, just strange. One paragraph was talking about mistakes and the MC going out, the next paragraph is about the cursed people, then the next and final paragraph is back to the MC being outside and meeting someone.

The summary is fine, just try re-arranging some of the paragraphs mentioned above in certain order so the readers can get an even better idea of the plot. (don't change the grammar or wording, just rearrange).

The paragraph about the mistakes, then about the curse, and then finally about the MC being outside and meeting someone there.

Grammar: 9/10

Well, most of the grammar presented in the book is okay. I can understand what is happening and the sentences made sense and were correct. However, there were very few thing you need to focus on and it's as follows:

Since the event took place in the past, the words must be in past tense to fit with the timeline and the flow of your writing. Additionally, when describing certain situations or scenes, be careful with apostrophes. I noticed that throughout your book you keep adding the D apostrophe relating to the word "would". I understand that you're trying to write the story using American English but this isn't how you use it? If you know what I mean?

The reason is because it confuses the reader a bit with the characters' intentions here. For example, in the scene where Selene describes the soldiers' death and said "they'd". It should be "they've" and not "they'd" because it implies that the soldiers would or should have been killed in another way? Or the fact it possibly shows that they wanted to die this way or that. Or in chapter two when Nyx said "she'd" been with the group for a few years and Elex'd been with the group longer. This gives the idea that Nyx 'would' like to be with the group.

What you're supposed to do is use an apostrophe for 'have' like 'I've been with the group for a few years and Elex have been with them for hundreds of years' (this is just an example, not from the book itself). This way you explained that Nyx was there and not Nyx 'wanting' to be with this group.

Basically, when you describe something about the past, use 'have been' or 'has been' or an apostrophe for 'have' instead of 'would' to give an accurate description/explanation.

Because this is a fantasy world and we're being introduced to it in the prologue, add the article "the" in "past fae..." to signify the fae that have been slaughtered. Also, remove certain articles in specific wordings like the scene when Selene sees 'a' hope. Just say she saw hope.

Vocabulary: 10/10

The vocabulary was amazing. There were good uses of them too and they were balanced by using synonyms to keep up with the pace. Also, the words truly made me feel what the characters went through and how they felt it, as well as how you made mere objects in the environment seem alive and sentient. (You've got better descriptions than mine ;-;)

Spelling: 10/10

I don't think there were spelling errors, except for one but I don't know if it's considered an error to be honest. In chapter two when Elex came with his sword on his back, you said "attacked to his back". Maybe it was a typo because I think you meant to write "attached to his back" instead. At first I thought, why did his sword attack him?

Hook: 10/10

When it comes to hooking the reader, it doesn't necessarily mean that there has to be surprising elements to grab my attention. Again, as said in the vocabulary section, the way you described everything in the story kept me reading for more and more, it made me curious to what is happening. It also helped me imagine the scene vividly like I was there. To be honest, I was surprised to see how good you are at writing fantastical descriptions despite your first time writing a fantasy book. Consider me impressed.

Character Development: 10/10

The characters were written really well. I got to know them better through their dialogue and interactions with one another. I liked how Nyx was portrayed in the book, I don't know her age but she seemed responsible, thoughtful, confident, respectful (even when Keir was a bit rude to her), and how she cares for her people. She's also smart!

It's like she's Mary Sue (if you know this character) but isn't exactly like Mary Sue. Because she showed some realistic flaws in her actions and thoughts, how sometimes she worries about not being able to do something or doing this will result in that. I like that actually.

Plot Development: 10/10

The plot is progressing well, and I got the basic idea of it without the need for many details. The story elements were brief.

Personal Enjoyment: 10/10

I won't repeat it here, it's all in the vocabulary and hook section.

Punctuation: 9/10

I don't know if it was an error with proofreading but I'll say it just in case. For dialogue punctuation, use commas when a character speaks, talks, says, murmurs etc.

But when a character does something, add full stop instead. Also, even though it's dialogue, you have to capitalize the first word after you put a fullstop, whether the sentence is between quotation marks or outside it. Here's an example if you didn't get it (it's from one of my books):

"This land is almost like a desert," he rested his cheek on his knuckles as he sat on his metallic and shining throne. "Grass is struggling out of these stone grounds," he added with a sigh.

"Well actually, there is grass growing in the Navy Hills," his Helper replied hopefully.

"I know that, but I don't want it to grow in one spot." He stood up and walked down the steps from his high throne.

Notice the punctuations both within the quotation marks and outside it, as well as the first letters of the first words. Even though character A was committing an action, I put a comma because he's going to continue speaking. However, after finishing the sentence of him doing the action with a full stop (moment it says shining throne), I had to capitalize the first word of his second dialogue (Grass is...). Not only am I following the general punctuation rules, but I'm also making the reader aware that character A added more information from the first dialogue, that he spoke again.

As for the rest, I put a comma for character B because he used a word associated with speaking (reply, say, talk, chat, etc.). And I added fullstop for character A because he performed an action (he stood, moved, walked, lifted, grabbed, etc.)

Also, one more thing, when it comes to dashes (when characters or events are interrupted), treat it like fullstop. Add space after the dash and capitalize the next word. Like this: I was about to- Dave came crashing in.

Pacing: 10/10

The pacing was well. It wasn't like one of those stories where they introduce the character and their normal life in three to four chapters. This one felt like you gave me all the information I needed in one chapter and went straight into the climax. But not in a rushed way, you took me there steadily and it felt nice because it didn't keep me waiting with all the details presented.

Writing: 9.5/10

Again, the writing was gorgeous, it kept me engaged, hooked, amazed by the scenery and the world-building. Everything. Although I have to point out very teeny tiny things to make your writing more... Accurate in this genre, here are few things:

Any number above ten should be written in their number form. Twenty-Two should be 22. Four should be... Well, four. Because four is below ten. Even the word ten should remain in word form unless you write 11. That is made to keep up with the writing's flow and make it easier for the reader to know the number if the number is above ten. If you say fifty-eight it would take me a few moments to process the quantity. So just write 58 so I can process the number faster.

Okay, here's the most important part. Since this is a fantasy story (and me being a fantasy author) I suggest you avoid metaphors, phrases, or slangs related to our world (the russian roulette). Because this will break that fantasy feel and might make readers (like me) question how do the fae know what Russia is?

Fantasy basically means it's purely imaginative and made up. Yes readers will understand what is happening because they're from earth. However, as I said, it'll break that fantastical element in the book. It's like... Some metaphors just don't fit with the narrative you know? Still, you could use metaphors that aren't related, like 'two birds, one stone', 'needle in a haystack', 'looks can be deceiving' etc.

But not like 'russian roulette', 'jeez' (I know you didn't write this but this is an example), 'folks' (it just sounds weird coming out of a fae), 'whatsup' etc.

So overall, the book is amazing, just avoid these little errors and you'll be fine :)