CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE:
THE COWS AND DONKEY

NOTE: As some of you might know, a few days ago it was stated by the cast and Elliot Page himself that 'Vanya' will be called 'Viktor' from season 3. I will be keeping Vanya and she/her/they pronouns for this season and this season alone and will change to Viktor he/him/they when I start writing s3.

After Vanya, Klaus, Allison, and Jason drank away their sorrows, they decided to all go their own ways and right the wrongs they've done.

Vanya went back to the farm —she listened to Jason's lecture about drunk driving and its dangers and passed a test and ate butter before she was allowed to drive back— to talk things out with her lady love.

Klaus decided to finally go home to his people, and tell them he wasn't actually a prophet and more like a glorified ouija board.

Jason would've gone with Allison, but she'd finally decided to tell Ray about her powers and patch things up with him, so naturally, he decided to be a gentleman and give them some privacy.

And that's how he ended up sleeping at Elliott's —more like passed out drunk after emptying 8 whole bottles of Vodka, but he's not an alcoholic, he swears!— with Vodka bottles which he later swore mysteriously appeared by his side during the night.

"But I don't even have that much alcohol in this place!" Elliott exclaimed.

"Your mistake dude."

He had just started on his spaghetti for breakfast when Luther and Diego kicked down the door and walked in like cows.

[Jason was making the sauce when there was a polite knock at the door. Elliott went to open it.

"Hello, Elliott. How are you on this fine day?" Asked Luther.

"Hello Luther, Diego. I'm doing fine. And yourself?"

"Likewise," Said Diego, "Would it be absolutely rude of us to ask entry to your place of living?"

"Oh! how rude of me-- of course! please, do come in."

"Thank you," they tipped their hats at the benevolent sir Elliott.

Jason was frozen, "What the fuck is this shit? NO, WHAT IS THIS-"]

Like the Italian that he was, Jason had made enough spaghetti to feed not one but three armies and every pan and plate and glass in Elliott's place was filled with it.

What can he say, he loves spaghetti.

"You know Luther," Jason said as he and Luther started their fourth plate, "I think in another life, in a land of magic, You would've made a wonderful Sir Percival, knight of the roundtable. Of course, I'd be there too."

Luther gave him a weird look but humored him, "And who would you be?"

"I'd be the child that was wronged by your king and in a badass twist kill him with my own sword and triumph as he dies!" he did an evil laugh, "As it had been my plan all along! none can stop the great Mordred!"

Diego rolled his eyes, "Calm down Merlin, we have more pressing matters."

How dare he?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

Luther nodded, "Like the fact that dad has invited us to a meeting."

"Reggie McMort?"

He was given weird looks.

Just then, Vanya kicked down the door and walked in like a cow.

Absolutely disgusting.

[i have no idea what's wrong with Jason, maybe he needs to get his eyes checked?]

She had gotten the same invite, so probably the rest of the Hargreeves had gotten one as well.

How suspicious, that he, a pureblooded Mainiero had gotten none and the rest had all gotten one? What's Orgie Hagrid planning?

"Vanya, of all people, you should hate Dad the most," Luther was telling Vanya. Obviously, who else would he call Vanya?

"Come on, can he really be that bad?" She tried to defend Refrigerator.

Jason snorted.

"Okay, well, let's see," Diego sacrificed himself and started naming some of Hag's doings, He isolated you from the rest of the family. Kept you hopped up on pills. And he brainwashed you into thinking you had no powers."

"Jesus, this guy..."

"You should've ran away when he bought you. That's the biggest red flag."

"We were babies."

Jason shrugged, "You had strollers, A well-timed jab from your pacifier, and bam. He dead."

Diego looked like he was actually considering the possibility.

"You already know how this is gonna go," Luther snapped and pointed at Diego, " Dad is gonna play all his little mind games on us, get into our heads, and he's gonna turn us all against each other. You watch."

"Luther, we're not 12 anymore. All right? We're grown-ass men," he looked at Vanya, "And women," he looked at Jason, "With an emotional support dog that needs therapy."

Said dog pouted.

"Hey," Diego continued softly, "We can handle him. Wanna know what's different this time?"

"What's that?" Luther rolled his eyes while eating the heavenly spaghetti.

"You got me. We go in there as a united front. No more 'Number One,' 'Number Two' bullshit. From now on, it's... Team Zero."

"Team Zero?"

"Team Zero."

They all smiled at one another, before Diego added "All the way" and held out his fists to his brother and sister for a fist bump, which they stared out with confusion. Diego looked between the two awkwardly but then Jason jumped in and fist-bumped him while grinning.

"Am I in the team?"

"No."

"Can I retract my fist bumps?"

"No."

•ᴥ︎•

Finally, it was time to go visit Hargreeves senior and Jason tagged along with them as a dog.

Funnily, they all arrived at the same time.

And get this, Sir Percival the great farted.

THE MONKEY FARTED IN AN ENCLOSED PLACE.

Jason swore this was an attempt on his life.

The rest began to argue about who got to speak first and who spoke better and something about conch shells.

Predictably, Scary Reggie showed his face by kicking down the door and walking in like a cockroach.

Cows are cute but roaches? never.

Jason sat down by Five's chair and was rewarded by pats.

"Not only have you burglarized my lab," He started without a hello, so that's where the rest had learned their manners from. "set my chimp loose, conned your way into the Mexican consulate, repeatedly stalked and attacked me, but you have, on numerous occasions, called me..."

Klaus came back with his drink and sat next to Reggie, "Hey, Pop. How's it hangin'?"

"'Dad'." Reggie finished.

Then he named a few secret agencies that Jason had absolutely never ever infiltrated and stolen precious data like are ghosts real.

"Who are you?" He asked after his speech.

An awkward pause. Every Hargreeves looked at the other while also ready to explain the complicated situation.

Five, the knight in shining socks saved them from the evil beast, "We're your children. We're from the future. In 1989, you adopted us all and trained us to fight against the end of the world. Called us the Umbrella Academy."

Wow, ok.

Never asking Five to deliver bad news.

sheesh.

"Why on earth would I adopt six--"

"Seven," Allison interrupted and Jason barked on cue.

Reginald stared at the dog, "The dog?"

Diego shook his head, "He's dead."

"Yeah, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba," Klaus randomly said and shooed something behind him, "Enough of that now." then he turned and saw everyone looking at him and he made a 'continue' hand gesture and so they did as his majesty ordered.

"Regardless, what would possess me to adopt seven ill-mannered malcontents?"

Jason has never turned human so fast and flashed everyone in the room for the third, second, and first time [we keep track, if u know who has been flashed how many times then I'll give you something. back to Jason-] Reginald would swear until his dying breath that he didn't scream but that sounded pretty close to one if you ask Jason.

"Oh, how I have wanted to rant about their poor manners all day! And as you walked in, it became obvious where they'd gotten it so don't go around blaming anyone but yourself!"

The siblings were wondering what he was talking about and god why do they have to be flashed by this— this—

The Hargreeves dude was wondering what the fuck this naked previously dog boy was talking about.

And Five was naturally wondering which sin was god punishing him for this time. He tugged at Jason's arm while simentiniously portalling some clothes, "This is the last time I'm taking you somewhere with me."

"I didn't even come with you."

"That's not reassuring."

Allison recovered the quickest, with Jason living with her for sometime and all that, and smiled at Reggie, "As you just saw, we all have special abilities."

"As in superpowers, i take it."

"You take it correctly," a now dressed Jason said and seeing as there was no chair for him, he just sat down on Five's lap and started eating Nutella.

Where did he even get Nutella?

Allison continued and pointed at her siblings numbervise, "He's strong, He's deadly accurate, He talks to the dead, I can mindcontrol, You saw Five's, and Vanya can—" She paused, "Yeah, she can."

That makes no sense bruh.

"She what?" Reggie insisted.

Read the room dude. Jesus, why is Jason stuck between so many idiotic Hargreeves? [except Klaus cause he soulbrother and Diego cause dreamy eyes and Allison cause badass and Vanya cause cutie uwu]

"Uh, maybe we don't take Vanya for a test run," Luther said and smiled a painful smile.

Klaus nodded and sipped his whatever, "Oh, yeah, that's probably not a good idea."

Vanya smiled like the innocent puppy that she is, well if the puppy had the power to bring the apocalypse, "It's fine, I can handle it."

"Handle it? Last time you handled it, you definitely blew up the moon," Allison had a point.

Then everyone started saying no and vanya don't do it and oh no my Nutella, its empty! and all that stuff and then she did it.

She exploded a bunch of fruit.

Definatly better than last time but also bad cause Jason was planning on eating them all and then puking over Reggie-boo.

"Oops."

Vanya, I've had you for sometime now but if anything were to happened to you i will bring the apocalypse and kill everyone and then kill myself.

Then Diego ruined it by bringing up his celebrity crush and his assassination and then he was off and telling Hargreeves off and then Hargreeves was off telling him off and everyone was off their chairs filling out the building with their moods off and they fucked off to their own places and were never seen again.

Just kidding.

[Hargreeves woke up the next morning to find all his shoes were chewed and then pissed on and there was not a single piece of clothing left unmowled by what looked like claws and bite marks. He also found a large shit in the middle of his room.

On the wall written in shit —it was actually knock off Nutella but shhh— was a threat: eat shit asshole.]

•ᴥ︎•
BONJOUR MA DUDES!
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?

I've missed you all so much
My uni has started again which means I get in writing mood 🤡

Is it obvious I've been rewatching Merlin or should I make it more obvious ?

This chapter was a mess Im sorry I blacked out and when I came to myself this was written.
I had to read it again for the memes cause I don't remember a single thing I've written.

Anyways,
Have fun,
Stay safe and
I LOVE YOU ❤️

[memes]

Mini Jason/ Mordred (*≧ω≦)