This chapter is dedicated to a guest from AO3, Digila-san. :D Their comment made my day and they also made me realized something. Half of the problems in this story would be solved if STARISH talked it out. Even I myself felt annoyed with how Tokiya avoided his teammates before going, 'Ah, he has that reason so it makes senses now.' And also thank you so much for Rostary and Akabane Toudou Shion for their support, votes, and comments ^^ Soon, you guys will know why Cecil and Syo were especially bitter with Tokiya. They had a right to be that resentful. :D

CHAPTER 13

"Mommy, doll! Princess doll!" Mitsuki cheered, holding a doll with a glittery purple gown. Her short arm was stretched up to Haruka's eye level.

"Woww, it's so beautiful! Did ojichan buy it for you?" Haruka asked, eyeing Tokiya who showed no disposition to respond to her. Instead, he was holding a chopstick, feeding Harumi who clung to his arm.

"Yes, Mommy!"

They were all gathering in the dining room, having their lunch. Everybody brought the meals that they felt the most confident with, including Natsuki who was still oblivious of his mad cooking. It was expected that his ghastly tempura was the least popular among them except for Ren. The scion who had the most outlandish taste bud for acknowledging Natsuki's dish out of them was the first person who dished the tempura up into his plate. He could care less when Otoya and Syo gasped at his plate, imagining the horror behind it.

As for Mitsuki who waited for her mother to dish out her food, she ended up running around while joking with all Masato's friends until...

"Tokiya ojichan?" Mitsuki poked her head right in front of Tokiya who was scooping a small amount of kinpira gobo into his plate. Her sudden exclamation and bright eyes almost sent him jumping out of his skin which might send his elbow to smack Harumi's face.

"Yes, dear," he said with a smile. He assumed that she was confirming his name since she still muddled him up with Masato. Thankfully, Harumi already explained to her when they played together in the girls' playroom or else, Mitsuki would keep asking 'Two Daddy?' to everyone.

"Same with Daddy," she remarked as she pointed at Masato. It seemed like she went into raptures over meeting her father's twin. "Ojichan's face is the same with Daddy."

He chuckled before feeding Mitsuki on a small slice of boiled chicken. It was Tokiya's natural reaction every time he had food in his hand and he happened to talk to an endearing child.

"How's it? Is it delicious?" He asked.

The girl blinked at him as she silently chewed the food. From her facial expression, it seemed like she wanted to tell him, 'why did you feed me, ojichan? Mommy is preparing my food' but she formed a smile afterward.

"Hm... delicious! Aaaaaa," Mitsuki opened her mouth wide, expecting the next one. The others could not help but chortle at her jollity. The second daughter of Masato's family had always been cheery and easy to get chummy with.

"Oh, do you want more?"

"But, ojichan... what about mine?" Harumi asked from his left side.

This time, Harumi and Mitsuki saved Tokiya a lot, just by being clingy to him. He could make himself busy like a babysitter instead of joining the others' conversation. No sarcasm would come to pass and he could leave the house without more sullenness in his head.

"Harumi, can you please leave ojichan for a while? He has to eat too," Haruka said, throwing a disapproving look at her daughter. She bet Tokiya did not eat properly since this morning so she felt bad for the man. "Mitsuki, come to Mommy. Your food is ready."

"Okay, Mommy! Thank you, ojichan," receiving a caress on her cheek from Tokiya, Mitsuki ran towards her mother.

"But, Mommy, it has been a long time since ojichan fed me," Harumi pouted, tightened her hold around Tokiya's arm. Clearly, she decided not to be obedient today.

"It's okay, Haruka. It feels nice... after such a long day," Tokiya said with the widest smile that he himself was shocked to have.

He was mad. Haruka knew it.

"Taste this, Masato. It's Tokiya's chicken teriyaki. Very delicious," Otoya remarked, putting two slices of chicken into Masato's plate, being oblivious with the fact that his remark sent both Syo and Cecil choked on the said dish right away.

They loved the dish so much that they did not even bother and forget who was the cook.

"Are you guys okay?" Masato who was next to Syo patted his back anxiously.

Otoya said it's delicious, right? Then, why they choked on the food?

"Don't worry, Masato. They just got their just deserts," Ren said playfully as he stroked Cecil's back. He simpered at both his victimized friends before whispering, "That's what happened when you picked a fight when we are supposed to get along with each other. You guys should thank him for the delicious meal."

Tokiya did not have time to scoff at Syo and Cecil's misery when Harumi patted his arm.

"Ojichan, when will you come here again?" Harumi asked, opening her mouth when Tokiya fed her on the kinpira gobo. "Do you still have a lot of works to do?"

"I don't know," Tokiya shrugged, smiling at her. "Yes, I still have a lot of works to do."

"Don't you have a day off like other uncles?"

"No, I don't."

"Masato, are you okay? Why are you not eating?" Haruka who finally could sit and help her husband asked. "Is there something you need?"

"Huh? No, nothing," he forced a smile towards her before holding his chopstick again. "I just wonder why Tomochika cannot join our potluck today."

"I know right? All she told me was she couldn't join us today because she has to work. I wonder if she's okay. She didn't sound well," Haruka said. From their conversation over the phone, she was not convinced that Tomochika suddenly had to work.

It sounded like her best friend had just cried.

As for Masato, he could not help but avert his gaze towards Harumi who still clung to Tokiya while talking about her school holiday. She even mentioned her friends' names without introducing them properly. It was obvious that she had mentioned them several times to Tokiya before.

They're close.

For the first time, he felt like he just lost his own daughter to his friend. Unlike Mitsuki, Harumi was reserved and did not really show her affection towards his other friends. Normally, Harumi would talk a lot or help him eat. She would always stay beside him and sometimes, Haruka did not have to help him at all.

So, to see how chummy and loving her gazes at Tokiya, it was upsetting. Harumi could feel pampered by a man who was the same age as Masato. Something that she was supposed to gain as a child.

But with Masato, she had to act mature and help Haruka in order to nurse him. She was the one who cherished him instead of the other way around.

Maybe... she misses Tokiya so much, that was the chant that he echoed in his mind for the nth time. No matter in any kind of circumstance, Harumi was still her daughter so he should not feel this way.

He knew he should not be this petty but for some reason, their closeness disturbed him in so many levels. It made his heart beat so fast.

The gathering ended after Masato's doctor came for a regular check-up and advised Masato to sleep. After they excused themselves, Haruka did not waste her time to ask everyone to follow her to their music room.

"You too, Tokiya," she said firmly when the said guy heaved an irritated sigh.

She had to use this room to talk, huh? Tokiya thought restlessly as soon as he went into the room. He leaned against the peach wall, his blue eyes shunned from looking around the music room. It amassed so many memories of them, practicing together every time they made a comeback or just simply wanted to hang out.

That was when he realized it had been a while since the last time he sang. Not only as a STARISH member, but he also could not see his future as a solo singer anymore. Saotome lumbered him with nonstop acting jobs that he had to stop singing for years.

Now, when his eyes gazed at the microphone which he frequently used since they always delegated him to be the vocalist, the room was psychologically disturbing to him.

"Finally, you have the nerve to show your face for Masato. I am curious where were you all this time. Where were you when Natsuki and Otoya tried hard to patch up with you?" it seemed Syo was that eager to talk to him after spending hours being sardonic. He did not even bother to let Haruka talk first. "I thought you'll wait until one of us kicks the bucket first then only you will come to your senses. If you only came here because the president told you to do so, that's very cheap of you, Tokiya."

"Obviously, he helped Masato with the interview and even visited him here because the president asked him to. Plus, they gained the spotlight again so this hypocrite just wanted to show that he still gets along with us. Seriously, don't come here just because you want to say that you're better than us," Cecil concluded which instantly had crashed Tokiya's breaking point.

"I am sorry but before you got all imaginative and tend to spit shits," Tokiya moved towards Cecil, poking his chest contemptuously. It was a strange happiness for him since Cecil was shorter and younger than him but for others, they were alarmed that they also started to form a circle around them. "Let me recap on what happened in Masato's room earlier. It seemed like you lost your memory easily. I didn't do anything but you rude bastards continuously picked a fight with me. What's with the 'more experience' and 'professional' reference, huh? Do you think I am so stupid that I couldn't even decipher it!?"

"You got all thin-skinned because of what you've done, you fool!" Syo shouted, ignoring Otoya's desperate attempt to calm him down. "Then, what kind of name should we give to someone who insulted and ditched us? Angel!? Or deity?"

"It's all Natsuki's idea. Not mine! Stop accusing me stupidly, won't you!?" Tokiya said, eyeing the guy with glasses. "Which makes me want to ask the same thing. Why did you do that, Natsuki? I assume you were also the one who asked the president about the interview."

"Yes, I was," there was a hint of bitterness from the usually cheerful face. "But, it's because I love STARISH. I don't expect all of us to quickly get along like we used to. I know it'll be hard. But, at least, pretending to get along with each other just for Masato won't hurt, right?" Natsuki remarked. His heart ached deeply when there were no signs of apology among them.

That's what I want to, Natsuki. I really want to, Tokiya mentally said.

"And I believe you also want the same thing, Tokiya," Ren said. This guy was always like a life threat for a secretive person like Tokiya. "Or else, you wouldn't call and ask Harumi during the past three months, asking about Masato's condition."

"I don't," Tokiya said, earning a dejected sigh from Otoya and Haruka. "I just don't want Harumi to be suspicious of anything."

"Of course you only care about Harumi. Only Harumi. Heck, you might as well take her as your adopted daughter or something. Are you her father? Are you the father of everyone's children? You even sent birthday presents for our children and they would go 'why is it so hard to see Tokiya ojichan these days?' It's always bothersome to answer that!" Syo retorted.

"It won't hurt if you just throw out the presents and say that Tokiya ojichan is dead or something, right?" Tokiya mocked.

"It might be easy if you really die, Tokiya. That will settle all problems," Syo said back, making Haruka lifted her head out of disbelief. "You are the one who should be sick instead of Masato. A nice guy like him doesn't deserve that kind of suffering."

"Syo!" Otoya and Natsuki exclaimed, unable to mask their shock. They knew Syo tended to say things that he did not mean but this time, it was too much.

While Haruka... she fought the tears that started to well up in her eyes.

No, Haruka. Don't cry. They are just mean to each other because they're angry. You know they care about each other, right? Everything will be fine. This is why you held the potluck, right?

She silently blinked her tears away, agreeing with her mind. Helplessness slowly dragged her down because this was the first time she saw this kind of fight among STARISH members.

"Don't worry. I will just go die if that's what you want," Tokiya said as he nodded, scoffing at Syo's bluntness. "I bet you're that tired of seeing my face, right?"

As for Ren, it eventually breached his self-control.

"Knock it off! Just what's wrong with you guys!?" Ren exploded, looking daggers at them who were breathing harshly. "What are you trying to achieve, huh!? Did you forget what STARISH means to us that you even said something thoughtless like death!? At least, please care about Haruka's feeling when she sees us like this!"

That was when everybody's attention was all for Haruka. Much to their dismay, her demeanor was calm but they knew her inside was blown to smithereens due to their fight.

"Don't mind me. Just tell me when did this insult game happen? Maybe we can sort it out now," Haruka said, forcing a smile. She was overwhelmed with how they acted nothing like the STARISH that she had been befriended since 17 years ago.

"It was a few months ago. It was on the same day when Masato was found collapsed not far from our training room," Otoya answered. "We... No, the three of them had a huge fight when you were in the ward with Masato."

"What did they fight about?" The composer asked again, easing herself by massaging her arm.

"About how he's so selfish because not only he did not join our practices, he also turned off his phone on that day. He criticized our skills but he was all the pot calling the kettle black. Himura-san said that his schedule was free but he only showed up a few hours later. Just what on earth did he do that he always slacked off on our practices?" Syo added, enjoying Tokiya's speechless reaction.

"You didn't say anything about where were you. Why you were so late on that day," Ren supplied, staring at Tokiya. "I wonder what you have hidden from us, Tokiya."

When everybody stared at the blue head, asking for an explanation, words could not describe how chaotic and miserable his mind felt. It was chaotic with what he had veiled from them. It was also miserable with his first skirmish with Masato.

It was just the first one since Masato has been his friend but until now, he kept carrying the sin. There was no way he could expunge how he hit the roof on that day, spurting out his curbed fury towards Masato.

It all started after he heard a certain conversation of his teammates which made him thought; he no longer belonged to STARISH. Then, Masato appeared to comfort him, also saying that he could get the picture of Tokiya's mental conditions.

Yet, it only sparked off Tokiya's flare-up. How Masato was the cause of his suffering, his mental disorders... Tokiya let him knew everything on that day.

"Now, I will tell you, straight to your face that I hate you, Masato! The thing that I said during the variety show, I meant it! I hate you! I never felt so insulted in my life and guess what? I wish this stupid twins concept never existed! Being your twin is so depressing! You got all the good traits while me... I was treated worse like a whorehouse! But, you know what's the worst thing!? It's you're my friend! You made me go through all these rubbish but I can't even take revenge on you because you're my frigging friend! I wish we are enemies so that I can destroy your life just like how you destroyed mine!"

After that, he cursed himself for hurting Masato.

"Where were you, Tokiya? Why did you skip the practice?" Natsuki added, green eyes gazed into him hopefully. There was neither insult nor judgemental tendency from him but it did not do any better for Tokiya's mind right now.

On that day, the reason why he switched off his phone after he fought with Masato was he was doing a self-therapy. He also endured a great guilt in his heart for Masato that it drained his energy. Little did he know it ignited another kind of guilt and fight with his other teammates which were the final straw of their friendship.

There was no way he could answer them. They would know his mental disorder and everything would be finished for all of them.

Everything... according to their president.

"Just snap out of it, Tokiya! They just 'used' you sometimes because they like you. They like your figure and your job is making them satisfied. Just deal with whatever disorder you have! I don't care! But, this will be the first and last warning from me. I don't want to say much. If your teammates know your illness, all of you are finished. I will make sure that STARISH will completely be wiped out from the showbiz forever."

As soon as the 'making them satisfied' order registered in his mind, there they were. Those hands that 'devoured' him recklessly, those creepy faces, those people who claimed that they had become the reason of his fame so he deserved some 'payment' from him...

The familiar shiver started to flow to every inch of his veins. It was the always the same sequence. His fight with Masato and other teammates, his Stripper job, 'those people', his president and his mental illness.

"Come on, Tokiya. Say something," Haruka approached him which was the last thing Tokiya wanted everyone to do, especially when he could feel his sweats masked his forehead when the temperature of the room was cool. "We need to know. Was there something urgent on that day? You're not the one who skipped practices without reasons."

Still, there was no response which drew out more frustrated sighs and groans from others.

"Then, if you don't want to answer that, please tell us. Are you consuming drugs?" Otoya was asking an unforeseen question when Haruka was holding Tokiya's arm.

"Drugs?" Natsuki and Cecil repeated, each with upset and annoyed tone respectively.

"Tokiya, are you okay?" She asked softly as the shiver from Tokiya's arm was spreading towards her. "Why are you..."

"Those drugs," Otoya continued, carrying his sadness as he spoke. "They are for your mental illness, right?"

Tokiya froze on his spot. His blue eyes widened in terror that it did not escape Haruka's sight.

"Wait, Otoya... What does it mean? Tokiya, is that true?" Natsuki asked, slowly approaching Tokiya. He was quite observant all this time and he always tried to ask Tokiya about his constitution whenever he felt that something was going wrong but the blue head would deny as much as he asked.

"Since when?" Ren asked even he also could sense it from the way Tokiya's behavior changed drastically years ago. "Is it because of the Stripper title? Are you depressed because you're constantly being compared to Masato?"

Quite close, Ren. The answer is far more terrible, Tokiya's mind echoed.

"I don't know since when it has started but I've found the drugs in his house before. He asked me not to tell anyone but now, since he's so stubborn, I guess I will just ask him," Otoya supplied, staring at his ex-roommate who no longer could lift his head and meet anyone's eyes.

"They... they aren't," they could see that Tokiya was struggling to regain his composure. "Don't... don't be absurd, Otoya."

"Don't lie to me. I roomed with you for years and I know you. You snapped easily, you slept more than usual and you even canceled your schedule on the spot when we all know you're a hard worker. All of them are the sign of mental illness, right? Do you perhaps... do you have depression, Tokiya?"

"I said I don't!" He hollered, indirectly pushing Haruka and Natsuki from him. His breathing was uneven that it gradually tugged at Cecil and Syo's heartstrings.

Tokiya was suffering. His gesture proved them.

But, Himura saved him by calling him when he felt like he was cornered by his friends' worry and curiosity.

"Hello, Himura-san. Oh, you're... you're here already? Okay, I will leave now. Wh... What? No, I am... I am fine," he said as he slowly walked towards the door, flashing that this discussion was over.

"Tokiya, please..." Haruka's attempt to coax him was cut by his one last look towards his friends.

"Just pretend that this thing never exists and we will be fine," he said before leaving the house, dragging his emotion-sapped frame to the front door.

The room remained hushed even Tokiya had left the house.

"So, he's really suffering, huh?" Natsuki asked, unable to cover the gloom that spread to his face and voice. "I never thought that he has endured a mental illness. No wonder he looks miserable every time I saw him."

"Thank you, Otoya. This is really a surprising exposure. Even he kept refuting, it's clear that he is suffering from an illness," Ren remarked, patting Otoya's back.

"Just why did he hide the illness from us? And more importantly, we talked about what happened on that day when Masato collapsed, right? Why did it have anything to do with his illness?" Cecil asked softly. The sudden embarrassment from slurring Tokiya made him felt unfeasible to meet anyone's eyes.

"Just what happened to him on that day that it made him shivered like that?" Haruka pointed out.

Meanwhile, for Syo, it was still confusing and Haruka's question also did not solve any puzzle. Plus, two of Cecil's questions were still left unanswered.

Why did the day Masato collapsed have anything to do with Tokiya's illness?

And why did he...

"He said we will be fine if we pretend that his illness never exists, right?" Otoya inquired. "Why?"

And why did Tokiya hide his illness from them? Ren was convinced that he knew the answer, thanks to Otoya again.

"I think somebody asked him to or..." Ren held his breath as he himself was shocked by what his brain had suggested. "Or threatened him."

When his teammates had found a devastating truth about Tokiya, Masato had to swallow another secret about the guy.

Which was all this time, Tokiya found his presence absolutely obnoxious.

Masato did not expect these harsh words when he called Tokiya at that night, asking further about the idol's relationship with other members especially Cecil and Syo.

"I hate you, Masato," was what Tokiya said.

"What?"

"I said," Tokiya repeated, this time his usually gentle voice no longer escaped his lips. "The Stripper hates the Saint so much." 

Writing this chapter is soooo hard T_T I was the one who made them fight but now, I don't even know what they should say to each other. I hope what they discussed and argued did make sense. As usual, if you have something to say about this chapter, feel free to let me know, okay? It will help me a lot :D