Heyo, peeps! Update time!! *clap clap clap* 😄 Also, I have a few announcements to make. So, here we go-

This chapter is entirely dialogue based. There is a lot of conversation here and I suggest you not to skip them as this is vital for understanding Timmy's side of the story. As I am writing this story from Johnny's point of view, I need to make situations where you will be able to understand Timmy's side too. 

Now, the second one: Some some of kind souls have always encouraged me to write my independent story which is not a fan fiction aaaaand I have decided to finally do it.😎 Although I'm still not sure if I will be able to pull it off but I'd like to try. What do you think? Should I? It will be a ManXBoy story with slow burn and some darkness.😉 Initially, I had this plot for my next YuZhou story but then though why not try something different? But I am having doubts. What do you suggest, lovelies?😳

Lastly.....see the author's note!😚

Now off you go with the story! I hope you enjoy the read, babes!

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Chapter-12

"But I love you!" Johnny protested and watched with a sinking feeling as Timmy took another step back.

"No," Timmy's voice was drowning in the shower that was still spraying on and around them.

"No? What no? It's true! I am in-"

"No! Stop it, stop...stop saying such things!"

And stop Johnny did, too stunned by the utter misery on Timmy's face.

"Is this..is this some kind of a trick?" Timmy's eyes had a haunted look on them. "Are there other people involved? Am I being the centre of a practical joke?" The pupils skittered, like a deer expecting the hunters to jump out of everywhere.

Johnny began to shake his head, in denial, in an effort to dislodge the foggy feeling that had started to engulf his senses. What was Timmy saying? What was he saying? "No-...what?" Johnny kept shaking his head, "What? A joke? I just confessed and you- you think it's a........a fucking joke?!" His voice rose abruptly, "A joke!?"

Timmy flinched on the other side but Johnny was too muddled to consider it. He went on.

"And pray tell what might I achieve by pulling such an elaborate prank? By baring open my heart and then be mocked by the man I love?"

When Timmy flinched again and braced his arms around himself, all of Johnny's resolve broke and he strode forward.

"Don't act like you didn't know. Don't." Was it all his imagination? Was there no truth behind his assumption that Timmy was aware of his feelings? How could that be? No, that could not be. Timmy knew him, understood him. Timmy knew him. "You knew, right? You knew that my feelings for you were not what a mere friend had for another. You knew that I like you, the way a lover might like another, you knew that, don't you?" He took another step, coming within an arm's length of Timmy, "Don't you? You knew that I love you and you also..and you..I thought you might also.." Words were getting tangled under his tongue, refusing to come out. Never had he felt so exposed, so raw in his life, ever.

Timmy turned away, "I want to go home."

"Timmy," Johnny's voice broke.

But Timmy had already started walking. He took a few steps towards his right then changed direction when stepped onto a nozzle. The same happened to his left, too, and he began to pace frantically, trying to find an escape, face white and crumpled like a torn paper.

Johnny could not take this anymore. This scene of utter helplessness along with his own humiliation bore down on him like an avalanche. He grabbed Timmy by his elbow and almost dragged him out of the platform.

"Wh-where are you taking me? Let go, let go, Johnny! Where are you-"

"To your hole where you can hide and lie to yourself all you want," Johnny spat without turning his head or making sure if Timmy was all right. He could not.

And he knew his grip on Timmy would leave bruises.

He wanted to leave his mark on Timmy tonight, though not like this, never like this. But if it was the only way then.......

It was all a joke to Timmy anyway.

XOXOXOX

Johnny exhaled through his nose and rubbed his tired, dry eyes. To dispel the memories from them. It had been playing on a loop since the day, which was three days ago. As he turned to his right, the bed sheet, soggy with his sweat, clung to his skin. Gross.

Trying for sleep was futile. Neither his body nor his mind was in a position to be held still. No, sleep was his furthest concern at the moment. What he needed were answers. Lots of them.

But the person who could help him out of his confused state was out of reach; yes, that jerk was not accepting his calls. And Johnny could not go any longer without having any explanation.

He called Reina.

The first call went to the voicemail. Johnny tried again.

Reina picked up.

"Hey, I'm-"

Johnny jumped in, "I know you're probably busy and can't talk but I have no one else to go to. Please don't hang up on me. I need to talk to you."

There was a brief silence on the other end and then, "Are you safe?"

"What? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I- it's nothing physical."

There was some shuffling sound and Reina said, "Okay, tell me what happened." Her voice became relieved but not uninterested.

And suddenly Johnny could not find the words. He was so desperate to talk just a moment ago and now he did not know how or where to start.

"Johnny?" Reina probed gently.

"I kissed him!" Johnny blurted out.

"O-kay," Reina sounded like she was trying to draw as much information from that statement as she could.

"But he said he did not feel- he pushed me away- said that- Urgh! It's a mess, Rei, I'm a mess!"

"Okay, all right, it's definitely very important and needs to be clarified a bit more," she was patient and understanding, "So, why don't you walk me through it from the start, hm? Can you do that?"

Left palm pressing the phone to his ear, Johnny tugged at his hair with his right hand, hard enough to make him wince in pain. "Yeah...okay, that'd be all right. Um..you remember I told you about my office party?"

And he told her everything; every action, their reactions, every minute details of Timmy's expressions, his own perspective, assumption, everything. He tried as much to let Reina see the situation through him as possible. He was not a patient man but clearly, the desperation outweighed his natural reflex.

"Okay, so, let me get this straight," Reina said slowly when Johnny ended his talk, "You promised him to give a good time then jumped his bone by kissing him out of any preamble or context?"

Johnny was contemplating some questions but not this. He blinked quickly.

"You're making it sound particularly bad."

"Why, is that not how it happened?"

"Well, yes but-"

"Are you a fucking moron?" All of that considerate demeanour evaporated from her voice as she yelled.

"The fuck?" Johnny's yell back was more surprised than offended.

"You see, there are three types of dickheads- dick, dickier and dickiest. You are the dickiest dickheads of all!"

In no mood of such petty insults, Johnny gritted his teeth audibly, "If that's all you are going to say, this call was clearly a mistake on my end."

Reina sobered up almost immediately. "If you have started to talk like a literate adult then shit has definitely hit the fan. Okay, here's my take on the situation."

She paused and Johnny rolled his eyes. This girl needed attention like a mosquito needed blood.

"Go on," he encouraged dutifully.

"He is angry because he feels betrayed."

Out of all the possible explanation this was not even the remotest one Johnny had anticipated.

"Betrayed? By what? Betrayed by me? What?"

"Set aside your presupposition for a moment and listen to me."

"I am listening!" Johnny got up and started pacing. Betrayed?

Reina went on, "Before that day, have you had ever expressed your romantic interest for him?"

"He knows that I like him!"

"Not talking about knowing, Johnny! Pay attention! Have you ever explicitly told him that you like him romantically or like to be involved in a romantic entanglement?"

Even in his jittery state, Johnny had stop, "Romantic entanglement, really?"

Reina made an annoyed grunt.

"No, I did not," he conceded, "We never talked about romance that way. I mean, we are guys, Rei, we don't talk like that!"

"Yeah, because a man's masculinity is so fragile that you won't be considered as men if you say some soft words to each other!"

"Shut up, you horrible cow! No, I did not get on my knees and professed undying love to him before! But we flirt all the time and he knows that I like him! He does things too. Especially for me. Things that he knows I like him doing! If the feeling was not mutual, if my advances were unwanted, do you think he would have done that? Have encouraged me? He is anything but someone to go with the flow for the sake of a little fun. So, while I might not have explicitly told him about my feelings, I am pretty sure he has a good idea about what they are."

Johnny was panting by the end. His voice felt scratchy from the force.

Reina did not interrupt him during his rant and kept quiet for a few seconds after. When she spoke again, all the previous childish snap was gone.

"Johnny, based on what you have told me about Timmy, I guess he has never had a friendship like the one you two share, isn't it?"

"Yes. According to him, he never had a friend before, close or otherwise."

"Then is it fair to him to expect the same kind of conceptual understanding about what should or should not be expected in a platonic friendship from him? He never had the chance to experience how a deep friendship could be, let alone how an intimate relationship operated. The line between friends and more than friends might be clear to you but you must remember that it is not the same for him. He does not know and no one has ever taken the time to teach him."

Even after Reina paused to give him a chance to interject, Johnny did not. Too absorbed into the emotions the words had evoked. She continued realizing there would not be any immediate response.

"No matter how much you try to get both of yourselves on equal footing, the privilege of your sight will always make you several steps ahead of him. You expect him to understand your feeling towards him but tell me in what way he can do that? Does he have the experience? No. Can he see the smitten way you look at him? No. Can he get an idea how much truth is behind your flirting? No, he has no way of discerning any of that. So, you see, you are expecting a predictable answer from someone who does not even know what that predictable answer is!"

"Does that mean he doesn't have any sort of romantic feeling towards me? But- but I know there were certain moments when- I know! I'm sure he feels something!" If it were anyone else but Reina, Johnny would have been mortified how vulnerable and desperate he sounded. He was like one of those obsessed, stalking ex lovers that did not know how to let go.

He did not want to let go. He had not held Timmy's hand only to let go.

"I do believe that if not as same as you, Timmy does feel very connected with you. What I have seen of him, he is a very private person and yet he had let you turn his life almost upside down without much protest. So, that definitely is promising. But Johnny, let's be real here. Infatuated or not, no decent person can tolerate unanticipated sexual surprises or shock."

Johnny was rolling a glass paperweight on the table; he put it still with a thunk at Reina's remark. "What? Unanticipated... What the fuck are you talking about? I did not force myself to him! I did not!"

"Wait wait wait, calm down!" Reina hurried to cut him off, "I did not mean it like tha-"

"What else was that supposed to mean?"

"-I am not saying you forced yourself but Johnny, we have decided for this conversation to be absolutely truthful, right?"

His hackles rose further, "Yeah?"

"Then look at this from a different point of view. You two were having fun at a fountain park, Timmy was relaxed and utterly trusting of you, he had no idea you were contemplating of kissing him-"

"I was not contemplating it! It wasn't pre-planned or anything!"

"Great! Then none of you knew that you were going to kiss him but while you had the time of approaching him, the kiss came to him completely out of the blue. The dais was wet, so, I doubt he even heard you coming. One moment he was lost in the fun, the next your lips were mauling him."

"It wasn't- it-" Johnny's legs had began to feel shaky. He slumped into a chair in front of the glass panelled south facing wall of his flat.

"I hate to break it to you, Johnny, but that kinda falls into the category of non-consensual sexual acts."

If felt someone had just shoved a hot iron bar inside his spine. He sat up ram rod straight, eyes flashing with the sudden anger. "You're exaggerating. Having me on. No way in hell that was such a crime! It was a kiss for fuck's sake!"

"Dammit, Johnny! Can you even hear yourself? I am trying to help-"

"Well, you're doing a piss poor job at-"

"You betrayed his trust, you ignorant prick! You took advantage of his blindness! You proved him incapable while trying to make him feel able bodied! Have you really gone that far that you don't even realize it?" Reina screamed so loud that Johnny's eardrum buzzed from the impact.

He did not even notice.

"I- I did not....I just wanted..." He gulped the sour discomfort that had gathered inside his mouth, "I just want to love him, Rei. I love him."

She sounded tired when she spoke, "No, you not only love him but you want your love to be reciprocated. It is not as selfless as you are trying to make it to be."

He let the words sink in. "Is that....a bad thing?"

"No, of course not. It is human to expect love back from the person you love. What I mean is, do not make it one sided. If you convince yourself that you only want to love, not expect anything in return, you'll feel like doing a charity, which is never good in a loving relationship. It only ends in pent up frustration. Embrace your want. Tell yourself that yes, you want him to love you back but let him come on his own free will. Don't go all the way. Wait for him to cover his half. That way he would not feel being treated like an invalid."

His index finger rubbed the place between his brows while his head hung low, "But I never ignored my own desire for him."

"Mmm, maybe not but you never gave him the chance to take the lead, either." Both went quiet for a moment and once again, Reina broke the silence. "You two must have an all out conversation. Talk to him, Johnny. Let him know in clear, precise words exactly what you feel and wait for him to make his own decision. Don't spoon feed him. Don't impose your reactions on him. He is not the type who would appreciate being patronized."

Johnny gave a broken laugh that was completely devoid of any humour. He looked up at the shadowy ceiling. "You think I hadn't tried that? That's all I have been doing since the day. To try talking to him. But that pillock, that bloody fool isn't even returning my calls."

"Then stop calling and ring his doorbell. Confront him where he can't ignore you anymore."

"And that won't be...I don't know," he flopped his arm, "forceful?"

"Dude, I wanted you to control your raging libido, not become a wet noodle!"

That mental image successfully drew out a throaty chuckle from Johnny, which in turn, made Reina giggle.

"Thanks, Rei. While I doubt most of your advices were bullshit, I needed to talk to someone else other than my head."

"Even bullshit can make a good fertilizer, honey. It will help you to grow some brain matter."

"Fuck off," Johnny laughed.

"Yeah, you too. You've wasted enough of my precious time."

"Yeah, yeah...I'm hanging up."

"Please do. Oh, Johnny?"

"What?"

"Don't push him too much. It's way harder for him."

"I won't."

XOXOXOX

Johnny squared his shoulders as he eyed the door in front. A weird kind of excitement thrumming through him. He had left a message to Timmy's voicemail, informing him of his visit. And despite his promise to Reina, he was fully contemplating a battle today,

He rang the bell. The moment stretched on so long without any response from inside that Johnny worried if the man was even at home. But he had already checked with his school and Lili to know that he had, in fact, confined himself within his flat for the past few days.

The intercom buzzed at last and along came Timmy's voice.

"Who is it?"

Johnny glared at the speaker box, "I'm sure you have guessed who I am, seeing the time it took you to answer."

Everything quiet for a second.

"What do you want?" Timmy demanded. Yes, it was a demand; none of his usual politeness was present.

"Minimum decency of letting me inside instead of having the conversation over a fucking intercom."

The machine stopped and after a couple of seconds the door finally, finally, opened.

Timmy came to view. Wearing a grey round neck with black track pants, hair standing on end, cheeks gaunt, bluish purple blotches surrounding the eyes. An infernal frown between the brows.

Johnny wanted to deck him. The idiot was clearly suffering as much a Johnny was and yet could not let go of his stubbornness.

"What do you want?" Timmy repeated after closing the door.

No offer for a seat, no "I-am-happy-to-know-you're-still-alive", not even a hello. Johnny shrugged to himself. Fine by him. He was not in the mood for dilly dallying, either.

"I want to talk."

"There is nothing to talk about."

Johnny had been looking at the sole picture this room had: Timmy with his parents. He said his mother had insisted on having a few pictures around. Even though he could not see them, Timmy's mother had said, he could still feel the memories in them. Hearing Timmy's reply Johnny whirled on him.

"Oh, so you have already come to that conclusion, have you?"

Timmy efficiently caught on the sarcastic tone of Johnny's voice and bristled visibly, "Why, did you want to make the decisions for me now?" He bit out, facing the couch which was quite away from where Johnny stood.

Johnny did not know whether Timmy's failure to pinpoint his position was due to his reluctance of facing him or a sign of his emotional imbalance. And honestly, he did not care to know. He had a quarrel to settle.

"That would have been a good thing if I could because clearly you can't make them on your own."

"Have you come to harass me? Is that what this visit is supposed to be? Didn't you have your fill the other day?"

Johnny blanched. Timmy's words rang too close to what Reina had told him earlier.

"I didn't..." his voice trailed off for a moment then picked up again, "I didn't harass you. It's wasn't.....I just wanted to....that wasn't harassment!"

"Really? Then tell me, what you have called it if a man kissed a girl without any prior notice and with whom he had no romantic engagement?" Timmy's voice was getting sharper with each word. "Wouldn't you call it harassment?"

"But you aren't a girl!" Johnny almost shrieked. He felt cornered by his own deed. He just wanted to love Timmy. And have him love back.

"And therefore, my consent does not matter?"

"Timmy-"

But Timmy did not let him speak and went on, "You know Johnny, there is one thing that we blind people do better than your lot. We respect people equally."

"It was just a kiss," Johnny whispered almost to himself, watching Timmy's face losing the tightness of anger and dejection settling upon.

"It was my first kiss," Timmy's voice was small, laced with hurt.

It felt like a blow to Johnny's solar plexus. He should have known, should have remembered. Timmy had never been with anyone else, not even one night stands. That kiss was the first intimate touched he had received from another person. Shit. He opened his mouth but nothing came out.

Timmy went to a chair and leaned against the armrest. Hands interlinked behind his neck. Hesitating for a bit, Johnny crept near him. They remained like that for a long moment.

Then he tipped his head up, dislodging the hands, and Johnny was standing so close that their eyes almost collided. Johnny used to treasure such rare occasions when it happened but today, being subjected to that lost and empty stare he closed his own eyes. Timmy carried on with his speech.

"You don't get to go around and ruin people's first kisses." Emotions, accusations were pouring out of him. "You don't get to make friends then break their trust! Because that's exactly what you did, Johnny."

"I-" Johnny tried, he really did but still could not manage to string the words into a legible sentence.

Timmy waited a heartbeat for Johnny to say something in his defence but when nothing came, he bit his lip and took a shallow breath, "That day...you made me feel blind more than ever. You reminded me just how much at another's mercy I was." A mirthless chuckle escaped from him, "I trusted you blindly and you proved me blind."

Johnny kneeled down in front of Timmy's slumped figure and held his hand, or at least tried to but due to Timmy's shrug, he ended up holding his wrists.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." The apology was quiet and earnest, "If I could turn back time I would have done it differently. I'm sorry that-"

"But you'd have still done it?"

At that moment Johnny realized that Timmy and he had been going on two completely different tracks. He had to change that.

"Of course, I would have!" He could not keep the surprise from his voice. "I regret how I did it, Timmy, not what I did. I can never regret that."

"What are you- do you know what you are implying?" Timmy asked.

"I am not implying anything. I am clearly saying it. I am not sorry that I kissed you. I love you." This time the confession came so naturally as if he had been saying those words for months now.

Timmy's muscles went taut in an instant under Johnny's grip.

"Are you fucking with me?"

The profanity was so alien coming from Timmy that Johnny's grip went slack with surprise and Timmy freed himself with a vicious tug. He stood, almost toppling Johnny to the ground.

"You're mocking me." He started pacing, bumping into furniture, running wild fingers through his hair, growling under his breath, "This had to be a joke. Had to be. Why not take the mickey out of the little blind man? Thought it'd be fun, didn't you?"

"The fuck?" The metallic taste of anger seeped into his tongue. "What part of it seemed like a joke to you?"

"You can't- you can't love me!" Timmy spoke to the wall; testament of how disoriented he was.

Johnny tried to check on his rapidly growing anger for this idiot's sake. He was here to amend things, not make a more mess of it. "And why not?" He asked through clenched jaw.

Timmy had turned again, finally able to locate the direction of Johnny's voice. "Because I'm..." Looked like something was clogging his throat. "I'm a man!"

"No shit, Sherlock."

"It doesn't matter to you?"

Contrary to his words Timmy looked pleading, as though asking for reassurance. Johnny frowned.

"No, it doesn't."

Timmy's face froze then a crimson flush flooded his cheeks and throat like a tsunami.

"Well, it does to me."

Johnny's frown, along with his confusion, only deepened, and that anger still lingered just beneath the surface. "Why? You yourself said that you treat everyone equally."

"That was on a different context. Besides, I'm not gay."

"Neither am I."

When the unasked question was spread out all over Timmy's face, Johnny explained, "I don't find any other man attractive. Just you."

Lips pursed and nostrils flared. "So, I'm an experiment to-"

"No, you fucking are not!" Johnny shouted at full volume because honestly, so far I man could tolerate this stubborn idiocy. "You're not a joke, not an experiment, not a stray kitten that I've rescued and plan on choking at night! Bleeding hell! Is it really that difficult to understand that I love you genuinely, have loved you for months now?" Maybe this was all a mistake.

"Yes, it is when I am not into men," Timmy stated with that hateful calm that he could bring out like an extra limb and it irritated the hell out of Johnny.

"How do you know?" Johnny barked, "You've never been in a relationship, nor had any physical one."

"And that's why I should accept your proposal, yes?" That smirk looked downright ugly on Timmy's face. "Because why someone like me- blind, lonely, pathetic, leaving off of others' sympathy, still a virgin at this age- should let go such a catch? I should be grabbing you by both hands, no?"

"Fuck you, Timmy," Johnny's voice went cold immediately with hot white rage. Fuck love, he wanted to punch and shake this bastard till he gained some sense.

"No, you won't." Again with that ugly smirk Timmy turned away and hobbled to the window.

"So, in the end it all came down to the matter of biology, huh?" Johnny told Timmy's back, "The time we spent together, how comfortable we felt with each other, how much we cared for each other, how-" he hesitated, not wanting drag his love down than it already had been but chose to go ahead anyway, "how I love you. In the end everything came down to what is between my legs," he laughed, "wow."

He pressed the heels of his hands against his temples; his head felt light, mushy.

"I want to be normal," Timmy began slowly, softly. He sounded drained, probably looked like that too but he was still facing away and Johnny did not care enough at the moment to find out. "For once in my life I want to be normal. I want to have something that can connect me to the normal world, to other normal people. I have always been a "freak", an "invalid" all my life. I don't want to add one more reason to the pile."

"And you think people who are gay, who fall under the LGBTQ community, are all freaks?" Because this was not the Timmy he had befriended.

Timmy hesitated but trudged on, "I don't know what definition they give to themselves. If they are courageous, they probably celebrate their difference. If they are not then...." He trailed off. "This difference within me," he gestured to his own chest, "I don't want it. I want the commonness, the normalcy other people have. People that live outside my doorstep, outside the horizon of my blindness."

Johnny stood motionless. Everything inside him had flat-lined. Timmy turned towards him slowly, empty eyes on the floor.

"If you can accept that, we can go back being...friends," he visibly struggled with that word. Stale bitterness wrapped around Johnny. "If not then....."

The unvoiced message was clear. Johnny moved away from the centre of the room and to the door. He was feeling eerily calm. He would have called it peaceful if not for the overwhelming urge to vomit.

He put his hand to the doorjamb, unlocked and opened the door, set a foot outside the threshold, then as an afterthought looked over his shoulder to the still frame that stood against the wide, cold window pane.

"You can never be normal, Timmy. Try to accept that. That way maybe you'd be able to see your happiness that you have been seeking all your life. After all, not all blindness comes from the loss of eyes." He paused then shook his head with a chuckle, "Do you know that 'normal' is overrated? But I wish you normalcy if that's the only value you have assigned to your life."

He stepped out, closed the door quietly behind him, took the stairs instead of waiting for the lift and disappeared into the world of Normals.

[][][][]

A/N:
As some of you already know, I always try to address some social problems through my stories. Be it homophobia or toxic masculinity or depression, I always try to tell that accept the way you are. Embrace it. Sometimes you'll find that everyone is against you but at those times you have to be stronger than ever. 

Do not let other people set your value. 

And if there is any male reader here, this is to you-

It's absolutely all right to be vulnerable, to feel week and helpless. You are not a machine. You are a bundle of flesh and blood and emotions. It's okay to cry when you are hurt, okay to show your emotions to others. It's okay to be the week one in a relationship. If your partner or parents can't accept that then it's their loss, not yours. Don't alter your true self.  It's okay to say "no" to a sexual act even if it is done by a woman. Men get sexually harassed a lot too. It's okay to read romantic stories because you are allowed to enjoy things that make you happy, allowed to enjoy any form of art. It's okay to read gay stories even if you are straight. It will not make you any less of a man. It's okay to like flowery perfumes or wear jewelry or make up. I use men's perfume, wear gents t-shirts and it does not make me any less of a woman. It's okay to like a another guy from a physical point of view. Appreciating another human body will not change your masculinity. 

Gay men are real men. Lesbian women are real women. Trans men are real men. Trans women are real women. Girly boys are still boys, Boyish girls are still girls.

Emotions do not differentiate between genders. We do not judge if a person is a male or a female while getting angry with them. Then why should it matter in case of love? If you like someone very much so but only hesitating because of that person's gender then know that if your love is strong and deep, their body will only make you even more in love. 

And lastly to all of you, you are gorgeous the way you are. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. True beauty is when you celebrate your own self, body and mind.

I just wanted you to know that you matter. You are valid. You are not born to impress everyone. Live and let others live too. Don't drag anyone down to feel superior. Don't let others drag you down either. 

This is not a textbook preaching. I have learned many things from my life and even though I am very much imperfect, I will not change a single thing about me unless it is harmful towards me or others.

Love,

Abbie.❤