Heyo! Update time! Thank Butty because it was she who kicked my arse to finish this chapter tonight. Then yelled at me. And abused me. That's her way to say, "You are a good panda". Evil Butty.

Anyway, I am so sleepy that I don't know what I am writing, so, better not rant tonight or I'll end up sharing embarrassing secrets about myself. I cry like a baby when there is a thunderstorm. It's almost 4am here!

Guys guys guys, comment, vote, message, communicate any way. If you are enjoying the read, that much I deserve, no? Yes yes, I do. God, I sound like Gollum. Anyway, all the silent readers, drop by to say hi while it's still time. Why? Because Abbie wants to meet you. Abbie doesn't have many people in her life and she really loves her readers. Really.

My fingers should be glued tight. I am blabbering.

Hope you enjoy the read. No emoji cause I'm on the computer. :(

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Chapter-14

Johnny had always envisioned himself being pleased immensely when he would tell Timmy that he was leaving him behind for good; well, pretend good but Timmy did not need to know that. Anyway, he had pictured this scene unfolding within his head hundreds of times and in every scenario he ended up as the smug one.

But the reality was different, a lot different.

Looking at those bruise like dark circles under Timmy's blank eyes, those drooping shoulders, gaunt cheeks Johnny did not feel very smug anymore. This was not how....this was not meant to be.

And suddenly Johnny was tired, so damn tired. He did not want to see Timmy like this, nor to fight, to score one over him. This was not a battle of their egos. This was something that was tearing both of them apart and he hated it. He just wanted to be with the person he loved. He did not want to fight anymore.

"Johnny?"

Never had his name had this kind of pull over him before Timmy spoke it; it compelled him to answer every time it reached his ears.

With his previous anger dissolved, he fumbled for a bit, "Yeah..um..I hope- I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"Oh," Timmy looked surprised by the answer then took a step forward, the gesture somewhat unconscious, "No no, of course not. I- ...wasn't doing anything. Um-"

"Oh, good then."

"Yes, Ye-uh-"

They stood there, both awkward and trying to say something, anything. Timmy's eyes were somewhere near Johnny's knees and Johnny's eyes were on him.

He wanted to hug him. To touch him.

"Please, have a seat." With that offer, Timmy seemed to pull himself together, making Johnny to do the same.

"Thanks but I won't stay long. Just wanted to say something."

Timmy's shoulders tensed instantly, face lost that wide eyed eagerness. It should not hurt because Johnny had predicted this reaction.....but still it stung. Was the prospect of being with him romantically really that repulsive to Timmy?

"What is it?" Asked Timmy, voice quiet and tight.

Eyes never leaving the other man in the room, Johnny balled his hands inside his pockets and took a sharp, shallow breath, "I am leaving Beijing. Permanently."

Johnny could pin point the moment when Timmy's face lost all its colour. It should have been a gradual process but it happened in a single moment: right after the sound of that statement faded.

Silence hung large and loud between them.

"Why?"

That came half uttered question came from Timmy but the way his eyes widened, it was clear that he did not mean to speak it aloud. Johnny decided to answer it anyway.

"Family obligation. My father wants me to join the family business and I could not deter him this time. Our Shanghai office needs supervision and-"

"What about your job?" Timmy cut him off mid speech and that was so uncharacteristic of the man that warmth like hope bloomed inside Johnny.

"I resigned. They refused to give me a leave."

"But you love your job!"

"Well, I don't always get to have things I love, do I?" He was mapping every little change on Timmy like a hawk; this was his last chance. "There is nothing else for me to stay here."

Timmy's face turned stony. The curve of his jaw sharpened and his eyes became blanker, if such a thing was even possible.

The warmth inside Johnny grew and he took a step forward.

"But if you want me to stay......I will."

Despite all the show of his ego, he was not above pleading and begging after all. Love made a fool of everyone.

"And ignore your family in time of need?" A little irritation slipped through Timmy's voice.

"They don't need me! They need a scapegoat." He took another step, "I will stay...if you ask me, I will stay. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave." He knew he was being utterly pathetic, begging like this but he did not stop because fuck dignity. If begging got him his Timmy then he was ready to beg until it was achieved.

Timmy had probably sensed his closeness as he took a step back, taking the little warmth Johnny felt with him.

"Why would I ask you to stay?"

Johnny stared at him, at the mask of smooth indifference that had appeared over Timmy's face.

"It is your personal decision whether to stay or leave. This does not concern me."

At his pursed lips. At his unfocussed yet still eyes.

"You have expressed your...interest in me, for which I am flattered but I have voiced my thoughts on the matter quite clearly. I do not understand why you continue to delude yourself. This has nothing to do with me."

Johnny shook his head to make sure he was hearing it right, "You are flattered? This does not concern you?"

They were rhetorical questions, of course, but Timmy still answered, "Yes and no." Still cold and cruel.

Something snapped within Johnny and anger rose, "Okay, so, let me get this straight. You think my feelings towards you does not concern you? My interest, as you very eloquently pointed out, does not concern you, even though you are the centre of it? All these months we spent together don't matter because you were never concerned, were you?"

Timmy looked like he was trying very hard not to yank at his own hair in frustration, "You are twisting my words."

But for once, Johnny was unbothered. Hurt often gave way to cruelty. "Oh, no," a mocking smile that he let into his voice, accompanied the equally mocking headshake, "No no no, I am just rephrasing what you just said, you see."

"That's not what I-"

Johnny did not let him finish; he was not interested anymore. "I am going to ask this one last time, so that there is no scope of misunderstanding," he paused and, when Timmy stayed quiet, continued, "Do you or do you not want me to move to Shanghai?"

There was a long silent moment before Timmy answered, "If your family-"

Johnny cut him off again, "It was a yes or no, question, Timmy. I am not interested in your explanation. Do you or do you not?"

"Yes."

The word was quiet, soft, final. Johnny took several steps back.

He nodded even though the other person could not see the gesture; it was more for his own benefit anyway. "All right. Things got cleared at last. Good. I have my answer now and you," he tilted his chin towards Timmy, "you have whatever you wanted to have."

Eyes on the floor, Timmy stood motionless. The only movement that caught Johnny's notice was the slow bob of his Adam's apple.

"Good bye, Timmy. Have a good life." Johnny had previously thought his vocal cord might rip open while saying the words but nothing really happened. The words got out fine, almost effortless; leaving no after taste on his tongue. "The last few months were the best time of my life but I am sorry you do not feel the same."

Timmy looked up at that and Johnny viciously squashed the impulse of running to him. Timmy looked like he was slapped.

"Good bye," Johnny repeated, turned, went to the door, opened and closed it......then stood leaning against it.

Inside the room.

Silent as a mouse.

He knew this was deception; he was taking advantage of Timmy's blindness again and it would probably land him all sorts of trouble with Timmy but this was the only way he could think of. This was not his plan all along. He truly meant to come, deliver the news and go away. But after watching Timmy's reaction he needed to do something drastic. Desperate time desperate measure and all that rot.

So, he stood there, breath bated, thanking human anatomy for not making the heartbeat naturally audible, otherwise his would have awakened the entire neighbourhood, and watched the scene unfolding before him.

Timmy stood there unmoving even after the sound of the door closing dissolved away. Empty gaze still on the floor. Moments ticked by one after another. It must have been just a couple of minutes but in that quietness, it felt like an eternity.

The honk of a car blared outside and Timmy's head snapped up.

"Johnny?"

That call surprised Johnny so much that he checked himself from answering at the last second. Timmy calling him was not the surprise but Timmy calling him with that whispery, panicked voice was.

"Johnny?"

Yes, definitely panic along with something else, something that Johnny did not have time to search for because Timmy was moving.

Eyes wide in alarm, fingers curling uncurling by his sides, he first headed for the door, then hesitating, took a sharp turn and hobbled for the large glass paned windows that overlooked the road below.

"Johnny!"

It was awful. The sound dripped fear, anxiety, yearning and pain. Timmy managed to pour every single of his emotion into that single di-syllabic name.

"Johnny!" Balled fist banged on the glass twice, "Johnny!" Then it unfurled and Timmy pressed his right palm on the glass; his forehead imitated the gesture.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm.......don't go, please. I didn't...." He turned away from the window and leaned his back on the smooth surface. His eyes were screwed shut, face a criss cross of emotions. "...I-...I-.....what should...." both hands crept up to his head to pull at the tousled mess, "I had to. I'm so sorry. I needed to-....God....why? Why is it always-.....goddammit...oh..." His body bent forward, as though in excruciating pain.

Johnny had enough. He had his answer.

"You bloody bastard!"

Timmy straightened up so fast that, if it were any other time, Johnny would have been worried for his spinal cord. But now, he wanted to deck the man himself.

"Wha- Jo-"

Before he could articulate anything, Johnny grabbed his biceps tight enough to bunch them up and stood nose to nose.

"You selfish prick, you sleazy coward" he gritted out through clenched teeth and was satisfied when the spittles landed on Timmy's lips and chin, "You can cry for me alone but can't sum up the courage to tell me on my face that you don't want me to go?!"

"Johnny! Wha- what's happening? Why are- let me go! Let me- you're hurting me!"

"Not more than you have hurt me, I can assure you," his grip grew considerably tighter, "You are a pain in the arse, Timmy, do you know that?" His gaze bore down into those huge lakes of emptiness that stared back at him without seeing anything. "A great pain and I should leave you behind, I definitely should-"

"Then why aren't you? Why are you still here? You've deceived me-" Timmy squirmed and tried to push Johnny; he even aimed a kick but in vain.

"Shut up, shut the fuck up!" Johnny yelled and at this close distance the impact was fierce. "You have no right to talk about deception when you yourself have been lying to me through your teeth."

Timmy stopped flailing, "I did not lie! What the hell are you on about? Let go of me, you goon!" He shoved at Johnny's chest again, "I did not lie. I told what was true and I will-"

"You love me."

The body within Johnny's arm stiffened up like a plank of wood. Timmy's eyes flickered from the corner of Johnny's mouth to his right cheekbone. Oddly vulnerable.

"What?" The inflection carried more shock than enquiry.

"You lied about liking me; you lied about denying the emotions you felt for me, about me. You lied about not caring whether I stay or leave."

Timmy's head was shaking before the words came, "I- I did not. I don't-"

"Yes, you do," a kind of ruthless joy flowing through Johnny's vein; the satisfaction of being proven right. His hands slipped down from Timmy's biceps to his back and waist. He pulled the rigid man even closer.

"You love me, Timmy. You can lie all you want but I know the truth now. You can't escape this anymore."

A shiver ran through Timmy's lithe frame as he finally stopped trying to get free. "I don't- No, you don't know-"

Johnny held his chin with his thumb and forefinger and slightly tipped up his face. In this position, when Timmy looked up, they were exactly eye to eye.

"Look at me in the eye and say that again."

This time it was not a shiver but a full body tremor that shook Timmy and Johnny watched those huge eyes gradually fill with tears.

"You can't-"

"I can't what?"

"I'm- I-"

"You are..what? A man?"

"I'm blind."

In spite of his agitated state, Johnny knew just how much courage it had taken Timmy to expose his innermost insecurity like this. His hold onto him gentled.

"Have I ever made you feel blind?"

Timmy's face crumbled entirely, the final barrier breaking down.

"I am blind......broken. Incomplete," he was openly sobbing now.

"Yes, you are blind but so am I. So are all those people who can see."

Timmy bit his lip so hard that the skin under the teeth turned white.

"Nobody ever wanted me." Timmy's shoulder jerked with every shaky breath he took. Once the dam was broken, he could not stop.

With his hand behind the smaller man's nape, Johnny put Timmy's head on his shoulder, "I do. I want you. Never say never."

"Bu-but why? Why do you? You are perfect. You have everything; can have anyone you want then....why?"

"Because I love you, as simple as that."

Timmy flinched in his arms but thankfully did not push Johnny away. No other word was uttered for a long moment. They just stood there, Johnny cocooning Timmy, against all the wrongs that had been done to him.

When their breathing evened out and the pall of calm settled over, Timmy spoke again.

"I need time, Johnny. I can't do this now."

Closing his eyes at the onslaught of disappointment, Johnny extracted himself from Timmy and stepped back. It took efforts but he did not question it because what was there to ask after everything that had just happened? For some reason he could not look at the man this time. Too tired to argue or get upset again.

Sensing his trepidation, Timmy continued, "I do not deny of having feelings for you.....feelings," he visibly struggled with the words, "that are more than friendly.....maybe it's even love.." he swallowed slowly, "but I'm still a man-"

The sigh that left Johnny was long and tired and defeated.

He was still looking at his shoe tips when a hand, the one he so loved, touched his wrist, then slotted in between his fingers.

"Johnny, give me some time. I am not pushing you away but I really can't do this right now. You have overthrown my entire life plan. I can't do reckless. I need to find a stable ground before I take a step. I need to check if there is a clear way in front."

Johnny had looked up while Timmy was speaking and he saw how earnest the other man looked, how genuine his plea sounded. At least, he was not lying again.

"But I can't stay for you to make up your mind," Johnny informed.

Timmy, in turn, looked stricken. "But you said.....you said that you did not want to go," he sounded confused and a bit hurt.

"I did and I still don't want to go but I need to," when Timmy's face composed into one that of understanding, Johnny added, "Not for my family but for myself."

There was a frown forming between Timmy's brows. Looking at that Johnny elaborated further, "You see, I love you. Have loved you all these months. Loved you even when you pushed me away and will love you for a long, long time. But I am a man too. A human being. I can beg for love but my love is not of a beggar's. You say you love me back but in action, I am just biology to you. A male. And honestly, that hurts. If we do this, I need to know that I am equally wanted too. That you would put, if not same but a considerable amount of effort to make this work." He put his free hand over their joined one, "You are not the only one broken here, Timmy. I want to be wanted by someone that knows and accepts me as who I am. I want to be cherished too. Want to be chased because the person who loves me finds me worthy enough to chase. And while I don't expect you to chase me, I do want to be wanted back. Loving and wanting are two different things. Don't misunderstand it as the proof of your love but Timmy.......I want you to want me back."

Timmy was looking at his collar button and Johnny swiped a thumb over his cheekbone, watching those eyes close briefly.

"Take your time and when you are done.......I am just a call away."

XOXOXOX

When Johnny looked up at the window on Timmy's apartment from his car, there was a backlit shadow stood pressing his hand on the glass.

"Don't take forever, Timmy. My love can endure it but I fear my heart won't."

Within three hours, he was on the plane, heading to Shanghai.

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Any thoughts? o_O