Hey, everyone! Welcome to the first chapter of the 🌟 miscellanious 🌟 section.

First off, thank you for sparing your precious time reading whatever trash I can think of at the moment and is definitely not a tutorial instead of doing something productive.

I just feel like I want to vent, y'know, about school, some stuff I'm thinking, and some personal tea 🍵🍵🍵.

Grab a cup of hot tea and enjoy the hot mess that will follow.

Btw, thank you for 1k reads, ly ♡

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°1 || s c h o o l .

𝙖. 𝙝𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙠 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙡𝙖𝙯𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨

One of the main reasons I can't update daily anymore is ~homework~. The online school system sucks worse than the usual education system.

I feel as if I'm getting dumber and dumber each month I'm going through per semester. All I do is just Google everything for school, and I just daydream about Felix during Zoom meetings.

I can't even think of something else because my brain is only filled with homework, homework, homework. And stationeries ain't cheap--

Another factor is my laziness. And the subfactors are divided into two :

1. Too comfortable

I just can't be as productive as I used to be when I was physically in school. I used to write pretty af notes with my zebra mildliners and brush pens (I still do tho 😳), my homework was always on time, my appearance was always on 🌟 fleek 🌟.

Yet now, it's just tuning Zoom in my pyjamas with the camera off (unless I was forced to open thanks to insecurities~) while eating my breakfast, taking a bath at 3 p.m., and ofc procrastinating my homework until it piles.

2. No competition

There's no point for me to actually study for my tests because other students cheat and get better marks than lil' ol' me.

I am a very competitive and jealous person who wants to be the top of everything, so it fuels me to study hard and hopefully become the next Bill Gates or something, and to see the failure in my enemies' eyes (bc they are toxic and cheat their way up ugh).

So, imagine my shock to see my rank went from 6th to 10th, and that gap was filled with people that used to be below me-- some weren't even on the top ten before either, like wtf.

My heart was crushed, worse than my situation with my crush (I'll discuss that in a bit later lmao).

And uh, it made me lazy and unmotivated, like, no matter how hard I study, ahem, cheat, I'll never improve.

𝙗. 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙚

Last year was the worst state for my mental health. My grades plummeted, I don't know what I want to do for college and I'm not sure how to find a scholarship or if I'm even smart enough to get one, and I was involved in a love triangle with me being the less attractive, rejected one.

I cried a lot and so easily, and almost forget to mention that I was really punching myself the fact that I'm not pretty enough (don't start complimenting me, it feels ingenuine to me, especially if you guys haven't seen my face).

I remembered one day, I was on my way home from my private course, and had a breakdown because my brother started saying I was so ugly, fat, that my skin was too 'dark', etc.

Idk why but when my mom stepped in to shut my brother up, I started crying like crazy. Like, no matter how much anyone compliments it just feels so forced, just to make me happy. It's something I'm trying to fix.

Another thing I'm pressured that is actually related to school is my future job. Everyone in my family says that I will be rich and successful, I'm really smart so I can be anything I want, and it just creates so much bottled up frustrations.

I'm scared everyone will be disappointed in me for just ending up being an average graphic designer living a peaceful life in a small cozy apartment instead of a rich doctor or programmer, y'know, especially my grandfather. He has high hopes for me, and I just feel bad thinking about it.

°2 || r e l a t i o n s h i p s .

Ah, here's some sweet tea for us all.

𝙖. 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙛𝙖𝙢𝙞𝙡𝙮

I have no problems with my family members, except the pressure thing and my brother being supportive and unsupportive of me at the time -- I think his 12-year-old brain just got mixed up with puberty.

My friendship on the other hand... just feels off somehow. I feel like me and my bff are becoming more distant, even though we chat each other along with 8 other people in a group chat daily. Probably because of the love triangle thing and her own personal problems but I assure you, she's not guilty.

She's been through a dark time lately, so me and my other friend are currently trying our best to console her, and I feel like she's getting better, because she always excited to watch a gaming tournament and rant about her idols in the group chat and it's nice to distract her from the situation she's currently facing.

𝙗. 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚

Okay, so I've been single my whole life -- since I was in the womb -- but I have stories to tell 😌.

I'm not comfortable yet telling you guys the whole scoop but it's still hot tea. The reason it's spicy because it's a love triangle oop--

I had a crush on this guy for two years -- currently moving on -- it started from being admiration into something more. He is the most 'good-looking' guy in school, and loads of girls have crushes on him.

I mean, he can do maths, he's tall, he dances, he has a nice nose, he's crazy good in basketball, and he's the cool quiet type and always defend girls when they are being mistreated by other boys (e.g. he always says "c'mon dude, don't hit a girl." , "stop, don't make fun of her." , etc)

Here's some codes ya'll need to know :
Q = my crush, D = bff, T = second bff, U = other friend that I'm not really close with but is vital to the story.

So, U had a crush on him for the first two months of the tenth grade semester. Q doesn't like him back and U moved on, pretty quick too, and liking several different guys later.

Then me, whose feelings for him has been blooming more and more intense, word suddenly got out and he KNOWS. The whole class as well, some teachers, and other students from other classes too.

His friends including U was shipping us, my close friends are supportive of this, and he isn't really into anyone during that time.

BUT I HAD A LOT OF COMPETITION.

There was this girl from another class he used to chat with from middle school, U whose feelings I'm sure isn't completely gone yet, and he was really close with a lot of senior girls.

Yet, huff..., butterflies were in the air. We touched legs and didn't move until he has to stand up to submit his work, and that happened because he randomly sat behind me during religion (the only class where we can move seats).

Then, he tells me he used to be left handed and was forced to write with his right hand by his dad, we take a peek at each other, and one time he played games in my phone and helped my progress in Geometry Dash. I felt amazing.

His black eyes are so big and beautiful and when I look into them I just can't think. They just look like space.

So... those were the sweet moments I spent with him. In conclusion (before we continue to the sad stuff), he either was interested me at some point, or he was just giving me false hope.

By now, you're probably thinking 'huh, everything's pretty cute so far, where is all the drama, the love triangle, the tragedy?'

Soooo quarantine happened.

Me and my crush distanced, bc everytime we chat it's just awkward and unlike our small interaction irl, as a result I chose to just let him do his thing. Plus, he leaves me on read sometimes and that makes me pessimistic lmao.

(Disclaimer : D is a sweet girl and is just being polite, she's not the one to blame)

Out of the blue Q and D are getting closer, because they became playmates for Mobile Legends. They started to chat with each other daily, and the topic's is not just about the game anymore.

And Q..., became more clingy and the one who starts the conversation first most of the time.

D, being a good friend, told me about the situation. She had a reputation for being popular with boys, so me and T are conspiring that Q has a crush on D.

Of course, no matter how much I try to make it lighthearted, it still hurts, and it's my bff out of all people.

I felt guilty being jealous because it's not her fault Q is into her. I then became depressed.

I cried in the shower, the toilet, and whenever I'm alone in the house. I just didn't know who to talk to because I don't want D to feel bad about her actions. I love D, and she's my priority over Q.

One night, me and D went on a deep conversation. She apologized over and over again, and saying that she doesn't have feelings for Q at all and she was more interested in another guy at the time. I told her I didn't care if she liked Q or not because no matter what, our 5 years of friendship cannot be broken just because of a silly boy. I may be a hopeless romantic and have jealousy issues I'm still trying to resolve, but I know what's more important than a boy who doesn't care about me.

Currently, although I do still have a teeny bit of feelings for Q, my mental health is improving immensely, and I honestly feel like I don't need a man rn. I'm a queen and there's only one diamond throne in my castle 💅.

And yes, all I do now is hallucinate myself with my celebrity crushes to cope with my unrequited love.

°3 || s e l f l o v e .

Here's a quote for all us depressed kids that you probably might hear but it always hits me :

" You can never truly love someone if you haven't love yourself. "

𝙖. 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙𝙨𝙚𝙩

I had crushes on 5 different boys over the course of 7 years of my life, and it was never accepted by any of them.

The reasons that has just hit me now is that :
- I don't love myself
- I'm picky with boys

The reason a lot of boys like D is because she's confident, loves herself, knows she frickin' gorgeous, and just radiates positive energy.

Meanwhile there's lil' old me in the corner, who avoids eye contact with basically everyone lmao.

But thanks to quarantine, Naomi has finally decided to throw away her toxic mindset and wants to radiate positive energy, like D.

Fr, my thoughts were really twisted lmao, here are some examples :
- "being pessimistic leads you to having low hopes and expectations of other people, so you'll be satisfied with a moderate result and not be disappointed easily."

> this train of thought made me so emo :/, at least I'm not surprised if something turned out bad.

- "being jealous, insecure, and comparing yourself to others means you want to improve yourself."

> please avoid having this mindset, it's really toxic and really bad for your mental health. Thank goodness I'm finally trying to change it.

𝙗. 𝙜𝙡𝙤𝙬 𝙪𝙥

After gaining some weight in the first period of quarantine and being depressed, I eventually felt like I want to change myself for the better, to prove everyone wrong.

I exercised as much as I can, ate healthier and less, and explored my creativity. I now finally have a consistent skincare and haircare routine which is literally life-changing.

Instead of me falling for boys now, I want them to collapse over me this time by making myself the most amazing woman ever 😌💅.

Btw, I found out this thing called 'subliminals', it's like an audio that can supposedly make us glow up, and reading the comments saying they all have results make me curious lmao. I'm still skeptical but intrigued at the same time, so we'll just see if it's true or not lmao. My head becomes dizzy when I listen to them so-- 👀

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Yes, you've just read 2100+ words of me ranting, being sad, and becoming inpirational in the same chapter.

Sorry again if this is not a tutorial, but I just feel like I want to vent to someone rn at 12 a.m. and hope you guys enjoyed it ♡.

Thank you for reading, and goodbye!