Saturday 2 May 2017

Raman
Noida Towers - 10 am

The discordant notes of the telephone penetrated through the hazy fugue of sleep, and Raman reached out a shaking hand to switch off his ringing phone, before sitting up heavily. He looked in bewilderment and self loathing at the empty whiskey bottle on his bedside table, clutching his head in his hands as memories of the previous day came flooding back.

Her words had reverberated in his ears as he had walked out of her cabin.

"Yes, I'm married"

"I fell in love"

"Haan, mein ne shaadi karli." (Yes, I got married)

"Mein usse apni jaan se bhi zyaada pyar karti hoon." (I love him more than life itself)

She had fallen in love. She had married someone else. And he had lost her forever. Lost what had never really been his. Except for two weeks of attraction, friendship and slow dawning enchantment, and then one night of unbelievable passion. He had not known it at the time, but those were the two most important weeks of his life. He had not known that he had found what he had been searching for all his life, until he had lost it. He had not even known that he had been searching for anything. He had been so unaware, so blind about what was missing in his life.

And even when he had acknowledged his true feelings, he had been so smug in his belief that all that he had to do was to find her, and everything would be explained. That everything would fall into place. That she would fall into his arms.

He had never for once imagined that she would not reciprocate his feelings. Had not even for an instant contemplated that she could have moved on, out of his life and out of his reach.

Well, she had, and her words, her demeanor had broken him completely. He recalled how she had looked at him steadfastly, her eyes unblinking, her face unsmiling. She had been so cold - dry eyed, emotionless, even as his own eyes had welled with tears, and even as his heart was breaking into little pieces. She had been nothing like the woman he had met in Shimla. The woman who had deciphered and uncovered the pain he had been hiding behind layers of sarcasm and indifference. The woman who had felt his torment, his pain and his sorrow, and had held him and cried with him. The woman who had gone out of her way to do things for others, who had so deeply touched his soul with her compassion. No, she had been nothing like that Ishita today.

It was true that there had been a look of shock on her face when she had finally realized that he was not married to Shagun. And perhaps there had been some regret too. But it had been too late.

He remembered that he had told her that he loved her. Had told her the biggest truth of his life. But even that had been to no avail. Even his declaration of love had not moved her. How could it? She was married. And she loved her husband. He had seen the unflinching truth in those clear honest eyes when she had told him that. She loved her husband. That had been the moment when he had realised that she was lost to him forever. That it was too late for him.

Another man had once stolen his wife, but the pain he had felt then paled into insignificance to the pain he now felt. The pain of knowing that the woman he loved was another man's wife.

He did not remember how he had managed to leave her clinic, how he had ended up back here, in his small apartment opposite his office, where he often stayed when he worked very late. It must have been Abdul's doing, he guessed. His driver must have been waiting for him at the clinic, must have brought him back here. He should be grateful to Abdul, he supposed, that he hadn't taken him home to Mayur Vihar. He was in no mood to talk to anyone, in no state to answer any questions. He knew the utter devastation in his heart was reflected in his face, and he did not want anyone's concern or inquisition. All he wanted was her, and since he could not have her, he wanted to be alone with his sorrow.

He stumbled to the bathroom, splashing water on his face before he peered at himself in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes looked back at him from a grim face. He hadn't had so much to drink, hadn't drunk himself into oblivion, in such a long time. In over a year. Meeting her had put paid to the excesses of his past. Losing her had reintroduced him to his vices.

He went back to the bedroom, picking up his phone. It was 11 am. The morning was almost gone. He scrolled through the display, noting the missed calls and messages. From his mother, from Mihir.

Mihir. He was supposed to go with Mihir to his fiancées home tonight, to finalize their wedding plans. He groaned as he fell back on the pillows. How could he celebrate love tonight when his own heart had been torn apart? How could he laugh and smile and celebrate Mihir's engagement, when his heart and soul were drowning in darkness?

He would tell Mihir he couldn't go. He would make some excuse. Mihir would be upset, but he would understand. He scrolled to Mihirs name on the quick dial on his phone screen, hand shaking as he brought up the keypad. And then his eyes fell on Mihirs last message.

Bhai, I hope you're still okay for tonight? Mihir had written. You've done so much for me already and I feel bad asking for more, but you're my only family, and having you with me tonight to meet Miku's family means so much to me. I'm so nervous bhai, this is the biggest night of my life. I can't do this without you.

Raman groaned again. He couldn't let Mihir down. No matter how much his heart hurt. No matter how many tears he had to swallow. He punched out a message to Mihir and pressed send.

I wouldn't miss tonight for anything Mihir. I'm working on something at the moment, but pick me up from home after seven.

Home. He should go home. But not just yet. There was time yet. He could still cry out his sorrow, his anguish, where no one could see him, or hear him. He flicked to the gallery in his phone, to the photos he had taken of her in Shimla.

He had not been mistaken. There was love in her eyes in these photos. Love for him. Then why. How? How had she changed her mind, discarded him from her heart in three short months?

" Ishita" he whispered , tears falling unchecked. "Aisa kyun kiya Ishita. Kyun?"
(Ishita. Why did you do this Ishita? Why?)

Ishita
Mountainview Apartments, Noida
1 pm

Ishita sat motionless on her bed, reliving once again the events of the previous day.

She knew she had fainted after he had left. She knew that she had been picked up from the office and brought back home. She had been told that she had been silent, unresponsive, and that a doctor had been called.

She knew that she had been given sedatives, and had drifted off to sleep. She still had that metallic aftertaste in her mouth, still had the heaviness in her head.

She had known all this when she had woken up this morning. Mihika had told her, when she had informed her that she was canceling the scheduled dinner with Mihir and his brother this evening.

"No Miku" she had said determinedly. "Pehli baar woh hamaare yahan ka rahe hai. Yeh acchi baat nahi hogi beta. "
(No Miku. They are coming to meet us for the first time. It won't look good to postpone at the last moment sweetheart)

"Lekin akka, aap ki tabiyat theek nahi hai. Yeh sab bad mein ho jayega."
(But akka, you aren't well. All this can be done later too)

"I'm fine Miku" Ishita had lied, as she reflected on all that Mihika had done for her.

Mihika had given up so much for her already. She had earned her periamma and periappa's wrath by moving to Sydney to be with her akka. Her periamma and periappa, who were more than parents to her. They had brought her up since she was barely a teenager, and she had broken off her relationship with them just for her akka. She had also sacrificed her relationship with Vandu akka, who had been like a second mother to her. And she had put her blossoming relationship with Mihir on hold. Mihir had been the first young man who had truly held her cousins attention, who she had truly seemed to care about. And she had left him behind without a second thought, all for her Ishu akka. Ishita knew that she could not ask her young cousin to make any more sacrifices for her.

"Mein bilkul theek hoon beta. Yeh toh...yeh toh hota rehta hai..." She repeated.
(I'm fine Miku. I'm absolutely fine sweetheart. This....this keeps happening...)

"Akka" Mihika hesitated. "Reema said... a man came to see you. Before you fainted. Akka, was he.."

"No baba. He was just a patient. You know this happens sometimes Mihika."

A look of despair passed over Mihika's face as she clutched Ishita's hands tightly.

"Aap rote kyun nahi akka? Yeh is liye hota hai kyunki aap ne apni dard ko apna dil mein chupa kar rakha hai. You haven't cried since that day akka. If you cry, if you let it out, you'll feel better."
(Akka, why won't you cry? This keeps happening because you are holding all your pain deep inside your heart . You haven't cried since that day akka. If you cry, if you let it out, you'll feel better.)

Ishita patted her sisters hands and stood up, plastering a well practiced smile on her face.
"I'm okay Miku. Now what's on the menu for tonight? I know woh non veg khate hai, lekin tum ne bataya hai na, ki yahan sirf veg milega?"
(I'm okay Miku. Now what's on the menu for tonight? I know they eat non veg, but did you tell them or not that they'll only get veg food here?)

"Haan akka" Mihika had said, looking at her sisters bright eyes and wide smile with compassion. "Unhe pata hai." And then mercifully, she had started to talk of the evening visit.

That had been at eight that morning. Now it was one pm. They had planned the menu for the evening and she had sent Mihika out to do the shopping.

And then alone with her thoughts, she had dared to allow herself to revisit what had happened the previous afternoon.

She had seen him again. After thirteen long months. And she had found that her love for him was just as strong, just as true. But more importantly than that, she had discovered that he loved her. And he was already divorced that day when she had gone to meet him. If only she had seen him that day. If only....maybe things would have been different then. Maybe what happened six weeks later wouldn't have happened. She didn't want to think about that time again. Not today. Not with Miku's fiancé and his family to host. But then, those thoughts were never far away from her. She thought of the past every single day. No matter how much she deluded herself that she was forgetting the pain, that it was only the few moments of happiness that she remembered. No, the truth was that she relived her pain every day. And after meeting him yesterday, all her memories were crowding on her again. Her thoughts were assailing her, drowning her. That awful day when her dreams had died.

But before she could reminisce about that day when her tears dried up forever, she had to go back a little earlier. To a day some three months after her arrival in Sydney....

*Flashback starts*
24 June 2016

Ishita Iyer looked at the doctor in shock, her ears ringing, her heart thumping. It couldn't be. It just couldn't be.

"But...but how?" she whispered "I mean...I cant have children, I was told I would never be able to have children...how did this...."

"You were obviously misdiagnosed Dr Ishita" Dr Taylor said drily. "From what you told me earlier, the doctor in India made a diagnosis on the basis of a few tests, and your earlier medical history. But you've never actually tried to get pregnant. Im surprised at your doctor. Infertility cant just be diagnosed so casually. There has to be a period of trying, of attempting to get pregnant. But you are definitely pregnant. Three months pregnant from the looks of it. You said your periods have always been erratic but you haven't had any at all these past three months. You have also had dizziness and nausea for almost as long. Would you be able to take a guess at the conception date?"

"30 April" she said immediately. How could she ever forget? 30 April 2016, the day her life had changed forever. The day they had made love. It was a sacred day for her. She would never forget it.

"Well, that's helpful" Dr Taylor said with a smile. "Now, everything looks fine to me. I'll refer you to the dietitian and the Obs clinic. Come back and see me in a months time, earlier if you have any concerns. Will you give birth here or in India? You'll have to book a birthing room if its here."

"I..I don't know" Ishita said quietly, her panicked heartbeats subsiding. "I have to talk to my..to ..to the baby's father..."

Raman. How would she tell Raman? She loved him, but he had not said anything about love to her. He liked her, he cared for her, he had wanted to see her again. But would he want a child? Marriage? Would he want to marry her? He barely knew her – would he think that she had set out to trap him, to ...no he wouldnt think that. He was a good person, he would believe her, would believe that she had had no inkling that she could actually get pregnant. But his reaction would come later. First she had to tell him.

"Is it ...is it okay for me to travel by plane Doctor? " she asked thoughtfully. "I don't want to give this news by phone"

"Yes, its okay to fly for the next three months or so. "Dr Taylor smiled at her. "But not after you reach the third trimester. But even now, you still need to take things easy. Its your first pregnancy and you are alone here. See if your partner can join you, or go back home if he can't . You need to be loved and cared for during this time my dear"

Ishita's eyes had filled with tears as she had thanked the doctor. Never, in her wildest dreams, could she have ever imagined this would happen. She was pregnant. She was going to be a mother. She had cradled her stomach lovingly, wondering at the thought that she was no longer responsible just for herself. There was another soul attached to her. A helpless soul dependant on her. Her baby. She knew that what had happened would create a huge scandal in her family, in her community. She may consider herself married to Raman, joined together in Gods presence, but the world would not recognise that wedding. He himself did not give it any significance. In fact, he had been panicked at the significance of that moment, had been relieved when she had laughed it off, had seemingly brushed it aside.

But whatever happened, whatever the outcome of her telling Raman, the truth would not change. She was pregnant, and her baby was dependant on her. Whatever happened with Raman or her family, she would give birth to her child. A wave of pure love rushed through her as she touched her tummy gently. "Its okay my darling " she whispered. "Amma loves you. Everything will be okay"

She had flown out of Sydney three days later. Had arrived in Delhi on the morning of the 28th of June. Had gone to his office and then to his home. Had overheard two conversations, had seen him with Shagun, unbeknown to him, and had left.

28 June 2016
She had arrived at her parents home in tears, had thrown herself into her worried mothers arms.

Amma had been alone at home, her appa having been taken for his annual check up by Vandu akka. Amma had been so shocked to see her, she recalled. And she had been too emotional to do anything but hold on to her Amma, and to cry.

"Kya hua kanna? Kyun wapas aa gayi tum? Aise ro kyun rahi hai Ishu? Sydney pasand nahi tha? Ghar ki yaad aa rahi hai thi? Mujhe batao na" Mrs Iyer had said lovingly, her eyes full of concern, as she caressed her daughter's hair.
(What's the matter my child? Why are you back so early? Why are you crying like this Ishu? Didn't you like Sydney? Were you feeling homesick? Please tell me)

And so she had told her mother. And her world had fallen apart again.

At first her mother had refused to believe her, had refused to believe that her daughter would go against her culture, her upbringing, would have sex outside of marriage. And then, when she had believed her, she had demanded that Ishita marry the baby's father immediately. Which is when Ishita had had to tell her amma the truth. That her baby's father was not free to marry her, that he was a married man.

Her amma had asked her whether she had known this fact about him, and when she had said yes, Mrs Iyer had told her to get out, had told her that she was no longer a daughter of hers. Her appa and akka had arrived home just then, and Ishita had listened in horrified shame as her mother had recounted her deeds to her appa. Shorn of the truth about Raman's circumstances, the story her amma recounted was seedy and repugnant. Ishita had had an affair with a married man. She was pregnant.

She knew that she should tell her parents the whole truth, but she could not let them know his identity. If they knew the truth, they would want to meet him, would try to convince him to marry her. And that would put Raman into the quandary of having to choose between his children. One he had missed so much for years, and had finally brought home again . And the second still unborn - unplanned. A child that everyone would consider to be a mistake. No, she could not put him in the position of having to make that impossible choice. And so she had stayed silent as her mother had recounted what she, through no fault of her own, believed to be the truth.

Ishita had seen the disappointment on her beloved appa's face, the compassion in her akka's eyes. Vandita had pleaded with her parents to forgive Ishita, not to cut off their relationship with her, and they had finally agreed, but only on the condition that she have an abortion and immediately marry a man of their chosing. She had not been able to agree – she would never agree to harm her baby. And she also knew that she could not marry anyone else now. She had known true love, and she could not replace him in her heart or her life.

But her parents simply could not, or would not, understand. The more that she tried to explain, the angrier her mother got. Mrs Iyer had spent her entire life conditioned to a certain way of thinking, to certain values and strictures that she held paramount. For her, Ishita's insistence on having a child outside of marriage was simply unimaginable.

They had argued, pleaded, cajoled, but it was to no avail.

"Toh margayi tum hamaare liye Ishita" her mother had finally cried out through her tears. "Aaj se khud ko Ishita Iyer mat kehna. Is naam ka haq kho diya tum ne"
(You're dead for us Ishita. Don't call yourself Ishita Iyer after today. You have no right to our name any longer)

And so her parents had turned her away from their love and out of their lives, and she had returned to Sydney. She had cried herself to sleep in the plane and had cried as she had arrived at her rented apartment in Chatswood. She was still red eyed a week later when there had been a knock on her door.

She had opened the door to find her little cousin, her Mihika, suitcase in hand. Her only friend. Her saviour. "I'm sorry it took me so long akka" Miku had said, as she had cradled her crying sister to her heart. "But I'm here now. Mein aap ke saath hoon. Aap akele nahi ho akka. Aap akele nahi ho"
(I'm here now. I'm with you. You're not alone akka. You're not alone)

She had told Mihika some of her story, but not everything. And she had never told her Raman's name. She knew her fiery passionate Miku. She would have found Raman, would have turned his life upside down, would have demanded justice for her beloved sister. So she had told her only that she loved her baby's father, that her child had been conceived in love, that she had known his circumstances all along, had known that he was still married though he was separated, and that she would not hear a word against him. She told Mihika that due to some circumstances beyond his control, he had had to go back to his wife, and that she had not told him about the baby. Mihika had protested, had insisted that he should be told, so he could do the right thing by her sister, but Ishita had been adamant that she would not disturb his life. She could not be the cause of him losing his son again.

She had also told Mihika of the truth that she had never dared to say aloud before - that she considered him to be her husband, that she considered what had happened in the temple to be a sacred bond. And so she was not afraid to face the world alone. Because he was always with her in her heart, tied to her by God.

Mihika had looked at her with compassion and love. "I understand akka" she had said with teary eyes. "But not everyone will. It's 2016, I know, but people still have such conservative ideas. You saw how periamma reacted. Things will be very difficult for you. Besides, it's his responsibility too, as much as yours. You have to tell him akka. You can't do this alone."

"No Mihika" she had been adamant. "I won't do anything to ruin his happiness.He has made his choice and I wont do anything that may cause him to lose his son. I can't. Besides, I'm not alone. I have you."

And so Mihika had had to be satisfied with her akka' s explanations.

With Mihika by her side, her devastated world had started to right itself on its axis. She knew that she had to live for her child, and so she had tried to smile through her tears, had tried to push her hurt and her pain to the back recesses of her mind. She had observed, in wonder, the changes to her body. The slight swell of her tummy, the tender ache in her breasts. And she had cherished the life growing inside her. It would be a boy. She just knew it. A boy just like him. Her little Raavan. But then, just when she had started to come to terms with her changed reality, her life had taken another turn.

17 August 2016

It had been a morning like any other. Ishita had been on her way to the hospital, a short train ride of some ten minutes from her apartment. She came out of the train station and then began the five minute walk from the station to the hospital grounds. It was the middle of winter, and although Sydney's winters were generally mild, today was an unusually foggy and blustery day.

She crossed the road from the station and entered the hospital car park. The asphalt was slippery and she was walking carefully, when it happened. A little boy, no older than two, came running out from behind a parked car. A woman, carrying a baby in her arms, was standing by the car. She gave a shout, just as a large SUV turned the corner into the car park. It was headed straight for the little boy, and it was obvious the driver had not seen him.

Later, when she was reliving the events over and over again in her mind, Ishita knew what had happened. At the time though, it had a dream like quality. The woman screaming, rushing for the little boy. The car bearing down on him. Ishita was closer. The other woman had a baby in her arms. Ishita started running herself, reaching the little boy and pulling him away just in time, as the SUV driver finally saw him, and the tires screeched to a halt. The SUV barely bumped her, but the momentum, and the slippery tarmac proved no match for her balance. She fell on her stomach, cushioning the little boy in her arms. She felt a searing pain, and then there was oblivion.

She had woken up to find herself in a hospital bed, her crying cousin at her bedside. And she had known without being told that she had lost her baby. She had lost her last connection to Raman, she had lost her last chance at happiness. Her life would never be the same again. She had wondered in that second, just why she had survived. But since she had, she knew she had to live. Her tears had brought her nothing. She would never cry again.

She had gathered Mihika to her heart, had given her sister comfort, instead of taking it from her. She had returned home to her apartment with Mihika, had given away her books on pregnancy, had tossed away all her dreams of the future. She had also returned to work immediately, had thrown herself into her theory writing and her practical work. And she had smiled through it all.

Every night, alone in bed, she had thought of her lost child. And her lost love. But she had not cried.

She had tried to get Mihika to return to Delhi but her feisty cousin had shut her up immediately and had made herself her sisters keeper. She had hovered around Ishita day and night. She worked from home at night to Indian hours, but instead of sleeping during the day, would follow her akka to the university hospital, catching naps in the staff rest room, at ease only when she was close to Ishita. In fact she had made an absolute nuisance of herself, but she had not backed down. And Ishita had loved her for it. She knew that if it had not been for Mihika, she may not have made it through the dark despair that had followed her miscarriage. Mihika had left everything for her. She had stayed alive for Mihika.

As the weeks had passed, she had passed over that deep chasm of grief that had drawn her towards the relief of oblivion. But even then, she had kept her grief bottled deep within her. She had learnt to smile again for Mihika's sake, but her smiles had never reached her eyes. She had lost her appetite, and a lot of weight, starting to eat again regularly only when Mihika also threatened to give up food with her. She dressed mechanically each morning, being careful to conform to the expectations of her job and her sister, but not really caring what she looked like. She kept telling herself to think only about the happiness she had felt when her baby had been safe in her womb, and not to dwell on his death, but how could she not, when she was responsible for his death.

He had only lived within her for four and a half months, and she had only known him, felt his presence, for six weeks. In those six weeks, he had made her a mother, had given her a joy that nothing and no one could ever take away from her. And what had she done in return? She had killed him. She had been responsible for her baby's death. If she had been more careful, her son would still be alive. He would be playing in her arms now. Gurgling at her, scowling like his papa. But he would never gurgle. Never scowl. Never smile. She had killed him, and so she had no right to cry for him. That was her punishment. That, and separation from Raman. That was her burden for the rest of her life.

"Flashback ends"

"Akka, I'm back, and look I found drumsticks too"

Ishita got up hurriedly as the door opened. She had been sitting here when Mihika had left two hours ago. She could not bear to let her sister find her in the same position on her return. If Mihika sensed just how upset she was, she would cancel the dinner tonight, and she could not let that happen. Tonight had to go well for Miku's sake. Miku had given her so much. It was time for her to give something back to her sister. She could never repay her, not in a thousand births. But she could try to fill in the place of her absent family, she could try to be happy in her sisters happiness.

"Aati hoon Miku" (I'm coming Miku) she called out as she hurriedly closed her bedroom door, looking for fresh clothes. She would get changed, she would help Mihika cook, and she would look her best to meet her cousins fiancé and his brother tonight. It was the least she could do. And she had to push away the pain of knowing how much she had hurt Raman by her lies yesterday. That hurt, that pain, was nothing compared to the pain he would feel if he ever found out the truth. She could never do that to him. She could never let him know.

She would wait until Miku was married. Until she was settled with Mihir. And then she would leave Delhi for ever. She would move to someplace where she could live with his memories for the rest of her life, but never risk having to see him again. She hoped that Mihir was a good person. And she hoped that his family were also good people. Mihika said he looked up to his brother, considered him to be his everything. She hoped that Mihirs brother was a good man, that he would accept her Mihika like a little sister. Because then she could leave for ever.

Hum theh jinke sahare
Woh huye na hamare
Doobi jab dil ki naiya
Saamne theh kinare
Hum theh jinke sahare

Kya mohabbat ke vaade
Kya wafa ke iraade
Rait ki hain deewarein
Jo bhi chaahe gira de
Jo bhi chaahe gira de
Hum theh jinke sahare
Woh huye na hamare

Hai sabhi kuchh jahan mein
Dosti hai, wafa hai
Apni yeh kam-naseebi
Humko na kuchh bhi mila hai
Humko na kuchh bhi mila hai
Hum theh jinke sahare
Woh huye na hamare

Yoon toh duniya basegi
Tanhaai phir bhi dasegi
Jo zindagi mein kami thi
Woh kami toh rahegi
Woh kami toh rahegi
Hum theh jinke sahare
Woh huye na hamare
Doobi jab dil ki naiya
Saamne theh kinare
Hum theh jinke sahare