Flashback continues
Day 13 - 30 March 2016

Humko mili hai aaj yeh ghadiyaan naseeb se
Ji bhar ke dekh lijiye
Humko kareeb se
Phir aap ke naseeb mein yeh baat ho na ho
Shayad phir is janam mein
Mulaqat ho na ho
Lag jaa gale..se

We have been given these few moments by destiny
Gaze upon me all you want, closely
Who knows whether destiny will ever give you this chance again
Who knows whether we will ever meet in this lifetime, again

It was their final day together.

She had pretended to have a headache when they had returned to the Lodge the previous day, and had retired to her room for the afternoon, only emerging after he had left the cabin. She had seen him looking at her anxiously before she closed her bedroom door, and she had known then that he had not really been taken in by her unconcerned and nonchalant acting about the kiss they had shared.

But she had not been able to pretend any longer. She had not wanted to face him  any longer.

Not because of the way he had made her feel, or the way she had responded to him and had thrown herself into his arms, the way she had welcomed and reciprocated the passion that he had showered on her. No, she had not wanted to face him any longer because she did not want to see regret in his eyes for what had happened between them.

He had apologized and she had brushed his apologies aside, but the kiss had affected her so profoundly, so intensely, that his disavowal of it as a temporary moment of madness was not something that she could bear.

He wanted her. He desired her. She had thought her love was totally one sided, that she was nothing more than a friend to him, but his reaction to her yesterday had proven to her beyond a shadow of a doubt that he too desired her. He may not love her, but he wanted her. And the knowledge of his desire had given her peace and satisfaction beyond compare.

She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she loved him and that she would love only him for the rest of her days. There would never be another man for her. Three days ago, in the little temple by the cliffs, when he had smeared sindoor in her maang, she had accepted him as her husband. She would spend her life with his memories. Fanciful as it may sound, cliched as it may appear to be, she knew that for her, his memories would be enough.

After Subbu had left her, she had, unwillingly, agreed to meet other men. Had agreed to give marriage another chance. But those matches had not progressed because of her honesty, and she had decided to move ahead in life focusing on her career, and to leave love and marriage to God. Well, God had spoken. She had found love. And the fact that he did not love her back did not lessen her feelings in any way.

Her path in life had been chosen already. She was going to Sydney to do her masters. She would make a success of her career, would do her best for her little patients. She had already given up on having a home and a a family of her own. But she had been embarking on her future from a position of defeat. As a jilted fiancée, as a rejected woman. Now, however, she knew she was not tainted or unwanted. He wanted her. Maybe one day they would meet again, and maybe they could explore their feelings and a future, together. But even if nothing ever happened between them again, she still had these two weeks to sustain her forever. She had yesterday. And she would have today. She would grab as much more happiness as she could from today. She would make as many more memories as she could.

And so when she had woken up this morning, she had been determined to seek him out, and had spent the day with him.

They had not done much - they had participated in yoga sessions with the Hungarians, had sat together in the sun and had taken long silent walks together, lost in their own thoughts. She had seen guilt in his eyes whenever he looked at her, but she hoped that her smiles had reassured him, had settled his confusion.

Then finally it was around six pm, and they were ready to go back to their cabin, to have dinner together. She had said her goodbyes to her Hungarian friends and the staff, since she would be leaving early the next morning. But she had wanted to spend her final evening with him. Just with him.

She had been nervous about approaching him with her suggestion. There had been a guarded wariness about him all day, he had been trying to keep himself aloof, trying to maintain a distance from her. She knew he was still berating himself over what had happened the previous day. But it was their final evening together. She did not know when, if, she would ever see him again. And her selfish heart wanted this one final time with him.

Shayad phir iss janam mein mulaqaat ho na ho......

And so she had ordered food from the Italian restaurant in town and had had it delivered to their cabin. And then she had told him.

"Are you sure Ishita?" he had asked, a certain wariness in his voice. "I mean, we can go out to town if you prefer."

"No" she had answered. "I don't want you driving those roads at night. And since it's our last night, I thought the Italian food would be better than the ghaas poos in the dining room."

He had grinned then. "Woh toh hai" (That's true enough)

He had looked at her reflectively for a few seconds and then continued "Ishita, I'm sorry things have gotten so strained between us. Yesterday...I mean, what happened...."

"Raman no" she had interrupted him. "Don't start again please. This is our final evening here. Let's just have a nice meal, and spend some time together. You've... you're .... we are friends now, right, and who knows when we will meet again, so..."

"You're back in a year, aren't you?" He had surprised her by saying. "By then Adi should have been back with me for a few months, things should be more normalised in my life. Why shouldn't we meet again when you're back? We are friends, why shouldn't we stay in touch?"

Her heart had sung with joy at his words. It wasn't an avowal of love, just a declaration of friendship, but he did want to see her. This didn't have to be the end.

They had just started to walk back to the cabin when Golu had come running up. Raju's brother was here, he told them. He wanted to take Raman back to see Raju. They wanted to thank him for everything he had done for Raju. Raman had looked guiltily  at Ishita. He had meant to go and see Raju, but what had happened yesterday had driven everything else from his mind.

"I should go Ishita " he said slowly. "I'll be back in an hour. Unless... do you want to come too?"

She shook her head. "Mujhe packing bhi karna gai. Aap meri taraf se Raju ko bye kehdijiye please."
(I have to pack. Say goodbye to Raju for me please)

And then he had left and she had returned to the cabin by herself. The pasta had been delivered, and she had checked the warmers and crockery on the table, noting with satisfaction that everything was as she had ordered. That done, she had gone to her room to do her packing, keeping aside a simple pair of jeans and a sweatshirt to wear for traveling the next day. Next, she had wondered what to wear for dinner. They weren't going anywhere, but...she hesitated as she picked up a new deep blue chiffon dress that she had brought with her. She had brought it at the last moment for this trip, egged on by Mihika, and against her better judgment. She had not found any suitable opportunity to wear it until now, finding the deep neck and sleeveless cut a bit too exposed for her liking. But she thought he would like her in it, and she wanted to see admiration in his eyes for her. She knew she was being selfish, but she wanted to be admired and wanted by him. It was just for one evening. Just for one meal. Why shouldn't she dress up for their final evening?

She had finished showering, was in her room getting dressed when he returned.

"Ishita" she had heard him call out.

"I'm getting dressed" she called out in response.

"Fine, I'll shower too and then let's eat. Something smells nice yaar. Bhook lag rahi hai."

And then she had heard the bathroom door shut behind him.

************************
Fifteen Minutes Later

She was standing behind the small table, her back to the door, her silhouette in the shadows, taking the covers off the containers of food when he entered the room. The curtains had been drawn against the blackness of the night, and the embers of the smoldering fire in the stone fireplace still gave off warmth and threw a cosy glow over the room. She had turned on two table lamps, leaving the harsh ceiling lights off.

The room was warm and inviting and he smiled to himself as he closed the door to the hall behind him. He was looking forward to this time with her, although the thought that this was their final evening together made him restless in a way he could not understand.

Hum Ko Mili Hai Aaj
Ye Ghadiya Naseeb Se

"Smells good" he said with relish, running a hand through his slightly damp hair as he walked up to the table.

She turned around, plate in hand.

"You said you were hungry" she said brightly, handing him the plate. "Shuru karte hai" (So let's start)

He stood stunned, mouth open, as he finally saw her.

Jee Bhar Ke Dekh Leejiye
Hamko Kareeb Se

She was dressed in a dark blue pleated chiffon dress, it's full skirt falling from a clinched waist, the sleeveless top set off by a ruffled collar and a deep v neckline. Her hair was loose over her shoulders, and her lips were painted nude, the lack of colour emphasizing her kohl ringed eyes. She looked simple, and sophisticated and absolutely stunning.

He stood silently, staring at her, marveling once again at how unconscious she was of her beauty. And of her effect on him.

She looked self consciously at him, her heart skipping a beat at how handsome he looked in his white linen shirt and pale blue jeans. "Is it too much? I mean, I know hum kahin jaa nahi rahe hai, lekin aakhri raat hai aur, woh...Mihika... my cousin...made me buy this dress for here, lekin mauka nahi mila kahin peheney ka....Kuch zyaada expose kar raha hai kya...."
(Is it too much? I mean, I know we aren't going out, but it's our last evening together and ...Mihika... my cousin.... made me buy this dress for here, but I haven't had a chance to wear it. Does it expose too much, I mean...)

He took the plate from her with shaking hands, putting it on the table before he stretched out a hand to her face, his trembling fingers tucking an errant curl behind one ear. His face was inscrutable, only a nervous tick at the corner of his mouth betraying his tumultuous heart.

"What are you doing to me Ishita?" His voice was almost unrecognizable, deepened by all the pent up desire he harbored for her.

"What..." her voice trailed off as she saw the longing in his face, the longing that reflected the turmoil in her heart. Her hands moved of their own volition, reaching up to caress his face. Her fingers trailed over his rough stubble, sending little pinpricks of delicious torment through her. Dinner was forgotten, that hunger pushed aside by another, as they stared at each other, bodies trembling, hearts thundering.

And then he pulled her to him, his arms going around her like a vice, crushing her to him as he buried his face in her hair. She held on to him as tightly, inhaling his  woody masculine fragrance, shivers running down her spine as his rock hard body held hers captive. She loved him so much. And she couldn't even acknowledge it. How would she live without him? How could she keep him with her forever?

Phir Apke Naseeb Mein
Ye Baat Ho Na Ho

He pulled away roughly for a moment, holding her face in his hands, staring at her as if to imprint her visage into his memory for ever.

"Stop me" the words were wrenched out of him. "Stop me Ishita. I'm losing control, I'm...."

But she did not want to stop him. She could not. She looked deep into his eyes, her own hands going up to cover his, her lips parting as she remembered the sweet torture his lips had inflicted on her the previous day. She leaned into him, her body pressing on his as she gathered his head down towards her. The next moment he had crushed her in his arms again, his lips in her hair, his body shaking with desperate need.

She held on tightly, her hands moving across his back, as his moved across hers, proprietarily. Moments passed, and no words were spoken. Just silent acknowledgement of unbearable need, and his mind waging war with his heart and his desires.

And then it seemed as if his mind had won. He took a deep breath, swearing under his breath as he let her go abruptly. He strode to the sofa and sat down, his back to her. His breathing was laboured, as he tried to get his senses under control. She stood staring at him for a few moments, her heart beating wildly, her own breathing shallow. In those moments when he was holding her in his arms, she had had a moment of absolute clarity. She knew what she wanted.

Shayad phir Is Janaam Mein
Mulaakat Ho Na Ho

She walked over to him, her footfall soft, her eyes fixed on him.

"Make love to me Raman" Her voice was soft but it was clear. He sat perfectly still, not knowing how to answer, wanting her beyond words, yet determined not to hurt her. He turned around slowly until he was facing her, his eyes locking with hers, seeing the unmistakeable sincerity and desire in her eyes. In her sweet innocent eyes,

"Ishita" her name was a whisper wrenched from his soul.

She stood before him, her heart in her eyes, a rose blush spreading across her face, her hands clenching and unclenching nervously as she repeated her request.

"Make love to me Raman"

He stood up slowly, his heart continuing to hammer wildly as his burning desire for her wrestled with the knowledge that he must not, could not, hurt her.

"Are you sure?" his voice was barely above a whisper as he questioned her. "I'm not...I'm not some romantic hero Ishita..I...I've been broken, I'm damaged goods...and this...this shouldn't be something you do lightly...you'll meet a good man someday, someone who will love you, someone who can marry you..this shouldn't be how..."

His voice shook as a deep burning need ignited in him at her closeness. He had to deny her, it was the right thing to do, but it was so difficult when he wanted her with every pore of his being.

"Don't you find me attractive, Raman?" Her voice was soft but he could hear the hurt, the bewilderment as she spoke.

"Dammit Ishita, It's not that. It's not that at all" The words were wrenched out of him, despite himself.

Find her attractive? If only she knew. But yes, she knew. All their fights during these past two weeks, the tension between them, had all been because if he didn't fight with her, he would have crushed her in his arms. If he didn't spar with her verbally, he would have kissed her senseless. If he didn't taunt her, he would have ravished her. No woman had ever affected him in this way, had turned him on so much that he could barely think when he was in her presence. Find her attractive. Oh yes, he found her attractive.

"Of course I find you attractive" he repeated through gritted teeth, fighting against himself. "You know that dammit. It's not that"

"Then what is it?" Her voice was quiet, uncertain, unlike the strident quarrelsome Jhansi Ki Rani, the fabled warrior Queen she had been channeling for the past fortnight.

Her posture of defeat irritated him. Did he have to spell it out? Why didn't she understand?

"You're a virgin Ishita" he spat out the words, striding forward to grab her roughly by the shoulders. "This is not how your first time should be. With a stranger, in a primitive cabin in the middle of nowhere, with no promise of a relationship, no expectations. You're just not the type of woman who can have a one night stand Ishita. If there's anything I've learnt about you in the past two weeks, it's that you...you're a very nice woman. You're beautiful, intelligent. But you're also very traditional. There's nothing wrong with that, but this is just not you Ishita. You'll regret this tomorrow. You deserve better than this, better than me."

He stared deep into her eyes, his face inches from hers, his hot and heavy breath fanning her face.

"I won't regret anything Raman. I'm not a child. I know what I'm doing. And you're not a stranger to me. Not any more. We've become friends. So why not? Raman, I want this. I want you."

"Ishita" Her game was wrenched from his lips in protest as he let go off her shoulders, took a step back and turned his head away. Her closeness would be his undoing.

Her eyes flashed fire as she put a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to turn around again, to face her.

"I want you Raman. I want this experience. I want to know what it's like to feel wanted, to be desired. You said you find me attractive, so why not? When you kissed me earlier, I could feel.... I don't need any promises. Any relationship. Just tonight. And marriage? You think I should wait for marriage? You know all about my failed engagement Raman. You know why Subbu dumped me. No one will ever marry me, I'm barren Raman. Baanj hoon mein."

"Don't you dare say that" he hissed fiercely, grabbing her by the shoulders and pulling her to himself. "Don't you dare use that ugly word about yourself. You...you're beautiful. You're the sexiest....You think I don't want you ...Oh God, don't do this to me. Don't tempt me like this."

His hands moved down her shoulders to her arms, his breath catching in his throat as he caressed her satiny soft skin. "Dont" he repeated, as his hands caught both of hers, his fingers entwining with hers and tightening. "Dont."

"Make love to me please" she whispered, dogging her fingers into his palm, desperate to get even closer to him.

Just two weeks of knowing him, so many differences between them, and yet she had never felt as sure of anything as she did tonight about this, about making love with him. She had been brought up to believe that sex was a sacrosanct part of marriage. She had never let her boyfriend of ten years do anything physical with her, had never felt any burning desire to make love with him before their wedding, had never felt a compulsion or need as she felt today.. She should be scared, she knew that, but she wasn't. She had accepted him as her husband. God had given them His blessings, and so there was nothing to regret, nothing to fear. She didn't know how to describe this emotion, what to call this need, but it was raw, it was deep and it was completely honest. She felt safe with him, secure, protected, cocooned. She wanted him so much. She loved him so much. She would never tell him, she couldn't let him suspect. But she loved him. And she wanted to be loved tonight.

She raised her face to his, her quivering lips almost touching his.

"Raman" his name was an entreaty on her lips, a sexy whisper that was a siren call, and he knew he was lost.

He gathered her to himself with a groan, his lips searing hers, as she sunk into his arms. She did not know what tomorrow would bring, but tonight she was his. And he was hers.

************************
He kissed her with reverence, his lips tender against hers, as though he was anointing her with his touch. But his kiss was only momentary, and she murmured in protest as he removed his lips from hers.

He smiled as he held her tenderly, his hands trembling as his fingers traced patterns on her arms, sliding down until he entwined his fingers with hers.

"Shhh, it's okay baby" he whispered. "Not too fast. Let me show you how."

She looked up at him and nodded and he bent his head once more to her, a wave of protectiveness washing over him. He couldn't hurt her. He mustn't hurt her.

His lips were gentle as he kissed her forehead

"Tell me if you want me to stop Ishita. Tell me if you feel uncomfortable. You're in control here baby. Nothing will happen unless you want it to"

She nodded once again, not trusting herself to speak.

He brought one of their entwined hands up to his lips, kissing her fingers gently, one by one, as his other hand unclasped from hers, pulling her into his arms. She brought her free hand around his shoulders, fingers nestling in the nape of his neck, as she gazed up at him with all the trust in the world.

"Aise mat dekho mujhe Ishita" he murmured.
(Don't look at me like that Ishita)

"Kyun?" (Why?) She whispered, as he brought both hands around her waist, pulling her even closer.

"Because I'll lose control baby, that's why" he brought his lips down to her again as he spoke, capturing her lips on his last word. She closed her eyes as he lifted her up into his arms, his lips devouring hers as his hands clasped her close to his heart. He walked the few steps to the fireplace and knelt down with her in his arms, ending the kiss as he sat her down on the shaggy hearth rug.

The pleats on her chiffon dress billowed around her as he knelt before her, his hands cradling her face tenderly as his lips sought hers again.

She put her arms around his neck, pulling him closer and he lowered her onto the hearth rug, her hair billowing out behind her, her dress flared around her legs, her lips fused with his.

"Baby" he murmured in between his kisses. "You feel so good baby"

His hands caressed her face gently, then moved down her neck, stroking softly until they encountered the v neck of her dress.

She shivered in anticipation as he touched the soft fabric, his fingers trembling as they slipped beneath the pleats, touching her softness for the first time.

She held her breath, her eyes closed tightly as his fingers moved gently, dancing almost, down the swell of one perfect orb. She could hear his harsh breathing through the blood thundering in her ears, could feel the nervousness as his fingers trembled against her skin.

She moved restlessly, her back arching involuntarily, thrusting her soft orb into his hand. She heard his indrawn breath as his slender fingers grasped her curves and then his other hand came down, moving the fabric aside.

"I want to see you baby" he whispered, pulling down the side zipper on her bodice, freeing her from the dress.

She lay perfectly still, as he moved the wisps of fabric aside, pulling her dress down to her waist, freeing her to his hungry gaze.

"So beautiful" he murmured as she again arched her back, her soft orbs straining against the flimsy pieces of lace which covered them. "You're so beautiful Ishita"

She opened her eyes, a red hue covering her cheeks as she looked up at him.

"I'm not" she said quietly, looking away as soon as she met his eyes.

"Hey" he grasped her chin, forcing her head up, making her meet his eyes. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I can't believe how lucky I am. I wanted you since the moment I saw you, and now..... You're my every fantasy come true Ishita. You're ... you're beautiful."

Tears came unbidden into her eyes as she put out a hand to him, caressing his face the way he had caressed hers. Maybe he said it to every woman he met, but no... his eyes, his eyes spoke honestly to her.

"Raman" she murmured, brokenly, her fingers trailing down his face, to his lips. He smiled as he caught her hand in his, sliding it down his neck, and then onto his shirt.

"Help me take this off" he murmured, impatient to feel her touch on him. She sat up, her hands shaking as she fumbled with his buttons, and he took matters into his own hands, ripping his shirt off in one fluid move. He grasped her hands again, placing them on his chest, before his own hands moved to her back, making short work of the clasp of her brassiere.

The embers from the dying fire illuminated their bodies, casting shadows on the walls as he slipped the bra over her shoulders, sliding it down and away from her. She sat still, almost holding her breath, sweet anticipation almost too much to bear, wonder dampening the fear that still sparked somewhere, deep within her.

"Oh God you're so beautiful" His voice was thick with need, heavy with the passion that he could no longer control.

He reached out trembling hands, grasping her softness, his thumbs stroking her aureoles, fingers caressing the gentle swell of her breasts. She moved restlessly, murmuring his name as sharp waves of pain and pleasure swept through her. What he was doing was so intimate, so sensual, and yet she felt no embarrassment. Only wonder. Everything felt so right, so natural. So good.

She grasped his shoulders as the pleasure he was giving to her caused her to shudder, her head thrown back as she arched her back, in an age old natural gesture of total surrender. He lowered his head, his hands moving to her back, holding her firmly as he started raining gentle kisses down her neck, and then lower still, until his lips encountered the soft swell of her breasts.

She moaned out loud as her fingers dug into his shoulders, her breath starting to come in short jerks as his lips and mouth continued their assault, laving her softness gently. He kissed over swells and into valleys, sucking gently until he encountered the nub of one hardened nipple, then engulfing her with his mouth, increasing the pressure as she shifted restlessly in his arms, moaning his name over and over. He moved his attention from one burgeoning orb to the other, as she held on tighter to him, her legs moving restlessly as she felt a deep unbearable ache rise up in her.

She arched up higher, pulling him down to her and he responded with alacrity, pulling off his jeans before pushing down her dress.

Raman" she whispered as his hands finally divested her off her only remaining garment, her own hands moving over his back, his chest as she tried to control her breathing. He touched her intimately and she moaned, wondering at the sheer intimacy of the act, knowing that all this was natural and inevitable, and yet ... these feelings, this ache, this desperation. She wanted to touch him, she was touching him, she loved his touches, but the feeling was too intense. She felt as if she would burst, as though she could not breathe, as though she was on fire.

Oh baby" he murmured, as his gentle fingers caressed her hips, one knee between her legs, forcing them apart. "Oh God Ishita. You have no idea...I'm trying to hold on baby...but...."

Paas Aiye Ki Ham Nahin
Aayenge Baar Baar

She had no experience of intimacy, no personal knowledge except what she had read and seen in movies. But the sensations she was feeling needed no experience to master. She knew instinctively what to do, following his lead as her heart and body took over from her conscious mind. She loved him. She trusted him. And nothing had ever felt so right. So natural. So perfect.

She reached up to kiss him, pouring all her love silently into that one gesture, tears pooling into her eyes as waves of emotion washed over her

He returned her kiss fervently, continuing to caress her, his heart overflowing with an emotion he had never felt before, his body desperate with need. He knew he was going to hurt her, but he knew that this was the way it had to be. He had been with other women, he had fathered a child, but this was her first time, her first sexual experience, and he had to be sure that she was ready. He had never felt his way, he realized, never had these overwhelming feelings which transcended physical desire. His loins ached, his body needed her desperately, but her happiness, her needs mattered more.

"Ishita, Ishita, Ishita" he whispered over and over, his voice as sweet as honey, as he continued to stroke and caress her, his eyes anxiously searching her face. He kissed her closed eyes, caressed her brows and then tenderly kissed her lips until he knew that it was time, that she was ready for him to make them one together.

She cried out as he entered her, a searing pain rocking through her as her body resisted him. He soothed her with his kisses, murmuring endearments while guiding her in the rhythm of love as old as life itself. She held him tightly as the pain receded, replaced by an intense pressure, as though she would burst, would fall into pieces. And all the while he held her, keeping himself in check as he moved gently inside her, stroking and caressing as she began to shudder, as the wonderment of their union took over her senses. She cried out his name as her senses exploded, her mind and body fully attuned with his, their hearts thundering in unison. She could not tell where he ended and she begun. Finally she knew what it was to be one with another, to give in completely to another, to trust without any inhibitions, any fears.

Her eyes filled with tears that overflew, as the intensity of their lovemaking overwhelmed her. He collapsed on her, panting and she tightened her arms around him, crying on his shoulders as she relished the feel of his weight on her. She continued to hold him as his body shuddered and jerked, her heart full even as she cried.

Bahein Gale Mein Daal Ke
Hum Ro Le Zaar-Zaar

It was a few long moments before his body stilled, his breathing became even, and he rolled off her, gathering her into his arms. She burrowed into his chest, her tears dampening him. He moved his head and kissed her lips softly, finally seeing her tears.

"Does it hurt baby? Why didn't you tell me to stop?" His voice was full of concern and she cried harder as she clutched him tighter.

"No Raman, you didn't hurt me."

"Then why are you crying? Ishita, are you sure baby?" His voice was heavy with sleep, but still full of concern.

Ankhon Se Phir Ye
Pyar Ki Barsaat Ho Na Ho

"Hmmm" she whispered, caressing his back, her tears finally ceasing as her lips curved into a smile. She would deal with tomorrow and it's sorrows in the morning. For now, she had the world in her arms and she had known love. And no one could ever take that away from her . "Everything's fine Raman. Everything is fine."

He looked at her for a long moment, tucking an errant curl behind her ear, kissing her lips briefly before his eyes closed again.

She looked at him tenderly, feeling as though her heart would burst with love.

"I love you Raman" she whispered under her breath, caressing his face as her eyes also closed, replete in his love.

And  they slept in each other's arms - a modern day Raavan and his Jhansi ki Rani, on their one stolen night together.

Shayad Phir Is Janam Mein
Mulakat Ho Na Ho

Lag Ja Gale...se