(𝐈𝐒 𝐈𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐇 𝐈𝐓?)

"I've missed you," Tritan says softly against my lips.

"I've missed you more," I say, climbing onto his lap and straddling him.

Tristan's lips brush against my skin, and as his hand travels up my leg, I gently arch my back. His breathing becomes shallow and my body warms from his touch below me. 

"I need you to know you make me happy," I tell him

As he slips his hands down my side, he smiles and kisses me once more. He shifts the kiss to my neck, eliciting a few moans from my lips. My veins are bursting with excitement as I bring his head to mine to steal another kiss.

He pulls away abruptly, "I can make you happy too,"

My stomach drops as I open my eyes and see Joshua. I try to move, but my body goes numb, my hands get clammy, and my voice becomes trapped in my throat.

In the same instance, I wake up panting and begin taking deep breaths as I sit up. I swallow hard, trying to regulate my breathing as I massage my chest, but my bedroom door slowly opens and Grace enters my room.

She gently rubs her eyes and murmurs, "I can't sleep," 

"Ollie, can I sleep in your bed?"

I smile slightly and nod, "Come on,"

When she climbs in, I adjust the cushion for her. I wrap my arms around her and throw the blanket over her as she puts her head on my chest.

 "I miss bedtime stories with Turtle," she says quietly.

I chuckle slightly and tuck her hair behind her ear, "I do too Grace,"

"Is he coming back?" She asks.

I take a deep breath and shrug, "I'm not sure,"

"Can you just forgive him already," she mutters.

"It's not me who has to forgive him," I tell her.

"What do you mean?" She asks.

I rub her head, "It's nothing,"

As she glances up at me she says, "But isn't it your thing?"

"It is," I chuckle.

"Then it's not nothing and you're the one who has to forgive him," she says, letting out a little breath that sounds like a sigh.

Am I really getting advice from a four-year-old?

"My teacher says to always forgive; otherwise, the heart becomes heavy with hate,"

"I don't hate him," I tell her, she nods and rubs her little head on my chest, attempting to settle down. I sing her a soothing lullaby to help her sleep, and soon I hear her little snores.

── ·✩· ──

"Wait, you have those dreams?" Tabitha asks, her brows knitted together and she's genuinely shocked.

"I just explained that whole thing, and your question is that?" I stare at her blankly.

"It's a reasonable question," Kate mutters.

"This is ninety percent your fault that I had that dream," I add. "You didn't tell me he was going to be there so much as performing,"

"He wasn't supposed to be singing that song so it's not my fault," she says, I throw a pillow her way and she quickly moves avoiding the impact completely.

Katelyn groans, "Do you know how much I have to hear Tristan moan and groan about you, then I come to hang with you, and it's the same thing, just get back together already,"

"It's not so simple,"

"Does Josh really care about you two?" Tabitha inquires, and I tilt my head as I look at her with one of those 'Don't say that' expressions.

"No seriously, I guarantee you he was thrilled to hear you guys were finished; yes, I know Tristan did him dirty, but it just seems like he wants you to be happy only if you're with him,"

"Exactly," Kate chimes in, opening her chocolate bar, "Want any?" she asks.

"No, thank you," I tell her.

"I understand if Tristan broke things out of guilt, but why are you feeling guilty?" Kate inquires.

"I didn't answer his calls," I mutter.

"Everyone is bu-"

"Tristan and I were having together, that's why we both were busy," I blurt out.

The room goes silent, and as if that wasn't enough information, I continue.

"And as much as I'd like to say I should've answered the phone, I refuse to because that night was so incredible, and I'd do anything to feel that again," I pause, "But what pains me is I know that's selfish of me to say,"

"That's sensitive definitely, but blaming yourself or Tristan is something you shouldn't do," Tabitha says.

"But I have no choice; what if he actually died because no one answered the phone?"

"You'd feel the same guilt; that's why you feel guilty because of that "What if", you have to choose your burden, and right now, you're taking on too much," Kate adds, chewing on one of the chocolate bars. "So it's either let Josh accept your decision or lose Tristan,"

I take a deep breath and rub my temples, just then I narrow my eyes at her, "Are you eating in my bed?" I retort.

"Yeah, and I'm not moving," she says and I roll my eyes playfully.

"I'm just going to say what everyone is thinking," Tabitha mutters. "You didn't shove the pills down his throat and he didn't just do it because of your relationship; he has other problems that you can't fix,"

She's not wrong, but I can't help but believe we added to his problems.

"You need to set it straight with both of them unless boundaries will be broken," Kate warns.

"You literally have people throwing advice at you, and it's like you're dodging it," Tabitha mutters, "Josh isn't making your life any easier, so stop hurting both of you and speak to the boy,"

Before I can answer Tabitha snatches the chocolate from Kate causing her to raise a brow in her direction as she turns to face her, "You could've just asked," Kate mutters struggling to snatch it back which causes us to laugh.

── ·✩· ──

After Tabitha and Kate had gone, I shut the door and leaned against it, taking a long breath. My life is not getting any easier, and I am not going to live forever.

What will I have left in the end if I continue to put others ahead of myself when they don't care?

I glance over to my desk and notice my journals. I hadn't touched these in a long time; I take a seat at the desk and scan the open pages. I recall the first time I wrote about my issues.

It all started with my eating habits and progressed to my relationship with Chase. I had a suspicion that he was never truly interested in me, but I never understood why he would mislead me. 

I just let myself believe he was misunderstood and he'd come around soon enough. Almost every day after our hangouts, I'd write about how he'd do something so wonderful, then do something else which would absolutely demolish the image of him being good.

For instance, the time he gave me a hoodie, my smile didn't even last five seconds before he opened his mouth to say 'Never forget it when you come over, cause you're not wearing mine'

Joshua tried to be there for me in any way he could. After a while, I figured he liked me; it felt good to know someone else cared about me, even if it was just a smidgeon. Now I wish it had never existed.

Even though he tried, he failed several times, occasionally dropping indications that Chase didn't like me, that Chase was dating other females, or that I would never be as precious to him. For some reason, whenever he tried to console me, I'd end up more hurt.

I also recall writing about Tristan; he was only intriguing to me when he was obnoxious when I was anywhere near him; even if I was in the kitchen and he was in the living room, he would automatically leave the setting.

It obviously irked me, as if I wasn't good enough to be in his company. He would only ever say two things to me: "Oh hey," or "You again," and if anything else, they were always pretty mean.

My opinion of him only altered when he was there for me after my relapse; I saw a side of him that I had never seen before. For once, he was caring; his words no longer stabbed deep; and for the most part, they were pleasant.

Then he kissed me, and everything changed; the person I'd never imagined myself communicating with was falling for me, and I was falling for him. Maybe he was there at the right time, as Tabitha said, but Tristan didn't feel like a rebound from my relationship with Chase.

It felt as if it was what I was looking for the entire time I was with Chase. The love I was craving to feel my whole life. The fresh start that I needed after what happened; many people would say that we're still young and know nothing about love, but Tristan was different for me, and that's why I don't want to let him go.

Then I'm back at question one, is it really worth it?

── ·✩· ──

𝗼𝗼. ⁞ 𝐀𝐒𝐇 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐒 !

Surprise update, so double upload this week. I know almost all of these chapters have been a lot of advice but that'll be over soon, I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. Chapter fifty-seven coming soon.

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