https://tingjielan.lofter.com/post/30a0de1c_1c83d1372

A "What if Atsuta was once in an orphanage" if story

Nakajima Atsushi woke up from a coma again, and felt his stomach churning, as if his stomach had been used as a washing machine and had been sprinkled with detergent, and then stirred without any clothes. He could only feel the gastric juice rising up, giving his throat an indescribable burning sensation.

Dazai Osamu, who was sitting near the iron bars, was playing with a lock that he could pry open in one go but was not suitable for prying open in the current situation. When he saw Nakajima Atsushi wake up, he moved over as if nothing had happened and handed him the cup of water.

Nakajima Atsushi took the cup of water shakily, but because of the chain, he couldn't walk too far.

The silver light of the full moon shone through the window, which was also made of iron bars, making the small cell look brighter.

Dazai Osamu's dark red right eye, which was not covered by a bandage, reflected slightly under the bright moonlight, revealing a strange and magnificent feeling. Unfortunately, at his age, Nakajima Atsushi was not yet able to use any fancy rhetoric. After staring blankly for a while, he finally came up with a barely appropriate metaphor in his mind - candy apple.

I had seen candy apples before when I was selling things at the temple fair to help with the orphanage's finances.

What does the bright red fruit wrapped in the crystal clear solidified syrup look like? Nakajima Atsushi has imagined countless times and tried countless times in his dreams to describe with his lips and tongue the glittering apple candy he once saw under the fireworks at the temple fair, the apple candy held in the hands of a smiling child.

He had imagined it countless times, and wanted to make his imagination closer to reality countless times. He wanted the candy apple to have the most suitable recipe in his dream, and tried to match it with the apples and candy he had tasted by chance. Would it be extremely sweet and crisp? Would it be warm and smooth? Would it be... would it be happy and joyful?

Dazai Osamu seemed to be tired of looking at the moon and turned his head. Nakajima Atsushi always had the illusion that he could see fatigue on Dazai Osamu's face, as if he was carrying a heavy burden, as if there was something that required him to burn himself to do.

From the first day he met the newcomer Dazai Osamu in the orphanage, Nakajima Atsushi could feel that Dazai Osamu had a sense of maturity that was different from the others, as if he had experienced something countless times, as if he was tired after witnessing thousands of hardships. Moreover, Dazai Osamu's attitude towards Nakajima Atsushi was very different from that towards the other children in the orphanage. He seemed to be always a little softer, closer, and more... warmer.

Nakajima Atsushi felt the difference with fear and delight countless times, and felt the difference countless times from the water handed over, the occasional pat on the head, and the soft smile. In the countless times he was taught by the dean, only people of value can get kindness. So when the dean seemed to have discovered some characteristics of Dazai Osamu and forced Dazai Osamu to be bound together with Nakajima Atsushi, Nakajima Atsushi was delighted and fearful.

Although this caused Dazai Osamu to be locked up in the cell with him at fixed times, he felt ashamed of the secret joy he brought.

[It doesn't matter who this difference is transferred from or who it is grafted from, as long as it can be like this forever and ever...]

" What are you thinking about, Atsushi-kun? " Dazai Osamu looked at Nakajima Atsushi with his candy-apple eyes.

" Mr. Dazai... " Nakajima Atsushi whispered the name that he had tried, which was the one that could best trigger a different attitude from Dazai Osamu. "Will I be able to eat the apple candy at the temple fair one day?"

"...Yes," Dazai paused, as if recalling something, revealing a sad and expectant expression, "One day you will be able to eat your fill, whether it's sugar or meat."

Nakajima Atsushi thought it would go on like this until a man in a black coat and a red scarf took his Mr. Dazai away.

Later, after Dazai Osamu took him away from the orphanage, death took away his Mr. Dazai.

In the days that followed, Nakajima Atsushi described the candy apple countless times in his dreams. Even though he could eat candy and meat to his heart's content, and even though he had tasted the real candy apple many times, he still couldn't forget the nostalgia in his dreams.

Finally one day, under the sunlight which was always brighter than the moonlight, Nakajima Atsushi was sent to the Butei by Mori Ogai, who had been the director of the orphanage for many years.

Nakajima Atsushi watched the members laughing happily in the sunshine, and he suddenly realized that the strange, gentle, tired and different way that Dazai Osamu looked at him was just like the way he looked at, imagined and missed the candy apples.

——It's like missing something that never existed.