Christmas gets closer and closer, the feeling of Christmas is getting stronger and stronger. But I do not feel excited at all. Maybe the reason why I can feel the spirit of Christmas is because of the decorations in the house. The Christmas song that has been playing since the 1st of September. It's not new to me anymore that the Christmas starts so early. If you'll ask my 3 years old self, maybe she would answer that the feeling of Christmas is new to her. Starting me and my mom migrated here and she got married to tito Thiago, that's when I actually felt the feeling of... someone actually caring for me. My 3 tita, and kuya Therence who was a teenager that time. They are the people who made me feel loved and someone is actually taking care of me.

Starting mom and tito Thiago got married, mom got so busy in his business. I know she finished studying business management before she got pregnant of me at young age. How did I know? She told me? No, I just heard it from her. When she was talking to their business partners when I was elementary. Mom never really had any mother and daughter talk with me.

Just full of... fights and arguments. Scolding and... beating me up. Or if she's going somewhere, she would ask me if I want something. She would ask me if I want something or need something which is... reasonable cause she's my mom. I'm surprised that she still do her responsibilities to give me my wants and needs despite the fact that I can't feel her loved for me. That's why I grew up being a materialistic girl. Cause maybe she show her love through the things she give and buy for me. And I am totally fine with it. I actually like it.

"Lory, tumawag na ba ang mom mo sayo?" Tita Thena ask while fixing the gifts under the tree. It is now the 23rd of December. Two days before Christmas day and a day before the Christmas eve.

I slowly lift up my head from the book I'm reading and look at her direction, I fixed my glasses before slowly shaking my head.

"She haven't pa po." I replied, tita Thena lift her head up and look at my direction with a confused expression.

"Kailan siya huling tumawag?" Hindi pa po...

"Noong 20 po, after Christmas party" I lied with a smile on my face.

I don't want her to get worried or stressed just because of that. It's something not so important and serious. Almost three months in the states and not even contact me once? That's pretty unserious. That's something normal, right?

Tita Thena slowly nod and continue what she's doing under the Christmas Tree, "Mabuti naman, ang taga-tagal na nila doon. Magtatatlong buwan na nga ba? Gaano ka kadalas tagawan ng mom mo?" Tita asked, I closed the book I'm reading and slightly bit my lower lip.

"Ahm... mga lampas 15 times na rin po." I lied once again, I just know that when I tell her the truth, she might scold mom. And after she scold mom, mom will punish me for telling them. She will beat me up once again, in front of many people or not. She already did that when I was just 2... barely being in the right state of mind and yet she beat me up at a park in Canada. Surprising that I was able to remember that already.

"Mabuti naman, panigurado akong marami na ang pasalubong nun sayo. Naku, pag-uwi nila ang daming mga dala. Damit mo, bag mo, sapatos mo." She said and a smile smile crept on my lips. Right, once they are home, they have lots and lots of things they have with them that they bought in the US. And I will finally see my brother again.

"Alam mo naman na mahal na mahal ka ng mom mo at gusting-gusto na ibinibili ka ng mga gusto mo." That caught me off guard. Did she forgot what mom did to me last July? Beating me up, kicking me and making my cheeks bleed that's why I'm now healing a scar on my face.

"Na-alala ko noong grade 7 ka, hindi ka niya isinama papuntang Manila, pero noong nasa Manila na kami, kung ano-ano ang binili para sayo na gagamitin mo sa pasukan." She said before slightly giggling. A very small smile crept on my lips.

Yes, that time. I was pouting before they leave because I badly want to go with them. My titas and tito Thiago are already at the van and she beat me up for around 3 minutes, leaving me crying with a busted lips and wounded arms. She even told me to fix myself and make sure there are no more bruises on me before they get back. And the 4 days of them staying in Manila is enough for me to heal the wounds that she gave me.

"Tapos noong Grade 9 kayo! Na-alala mo 'yon? Na-iinitan ka sa classroom niyo kaya nag donate siya ng anim na electricfan? Ayaw na ayaw ng mom mo na nahihirapan siya." She added and I could only smile.

Tita Thena is a type of person that always think of the positive side. I know she clearly remember the times mom would scold and beat me up. But she choose to value the happy once. The once where mom is being a mother to me. While I... I remember everything. Everything.

"Tita..." Tawag ko dito, I don't want her to continue talking about those anymore. It makes me somehow... sad. I sometimes imagine how my life would be if only I have a mom like Ali's. Ali's mom is really... an ideal mom. No wonder why Ali is such a good daughter, student and friend. Their house is toxic free. Even her father... I wish I have a father.

"Lory? Ano 'yon? Natutulala ka bigla." Natauhan ako nang tawagin ulit ako ni tita Thena.

"Ahm... nagugutom po ako, may miryenda po ba sa kusina?" tanong ko dito. She smiled at me and nod.

"May donut at cinnamon roll sa counter top." She replied and I nod before standing up from the sofa. With my book and my phone in my hand, I went to the kitchen and saw the pastries tita is talking about. I take one of the high chair and starts eating a cinnamon roll.

I'm peacefully eating and staring at the wall when my phone beeped.

I immediately pick it up and excitement filled my body when I saw Theo's name on my phone. Finally!

He sent me more pictures of them in New York with the Statue of Liberty. Then more pictures of him in the snow. He loves making snowman and I can't blame him. There's no snow in the Philippines and it's his first time celebrating Christmas with snow.

From Theo:

Ate it's so fun here! You should have really come with us! You'll enjoy here! We should go here again in the next winter. Let's make tons of snowman and angel in the snow.

A smile prints on my face as I read his message.

To Theo:

Soon, okay? Next Christmas, or... idk, but soon, ate will come with you guys. Ate will miss lots of schoolworks eh.

From Theo:

Oh, okay, that's understandable. By the way, gotta go now, we're going to eat.

To Theo:

Okay okay, pakabusog ka, enjoy!

He sent a heart emoji and that's when he went off. I place down my phone and a sigh escaped my lips. Those are few minutes of myself being genuinely happy. When I'm talking to my little brother, that's when I smile genuinely.

I ate two cinnamon rolls before leaving the high chair and scanning through the fridge. I saw some fresh milk that I pulled out from the fridge and pour some in a glass. In one go, I finished the whole glass and went back to the living room where tita Thena is still fixing the gifts under the tree.

"Pupunta ba ang mga kaibigan mo dito sa pasko? Sabi ng tito Thiago mo ay papapuntahin mo daw dito ang mga kaibigan mo. Pero wala ka pa naman pinapapunta." She said as I sat down on the sofa, I pursed my lips thinking for an answer.

"Hindi daw po sila makakapunta, may iba daw po silang pupuntahan sa pasko tsaka ako nalang po ang pumupunta sa kanila. Nagkikita-kita pa rin naman po kami." I replied and tita Thena hum.

"Oo nga pala, mabuti naman 'yan at hindi ka nakukulong dito sa bahay niyo." She said and I nod. She didn't said anything more so I continue reading.

The only person who have a chance that will be here by the Christmas day is Ali. Laura already left the country, Gwen is in La Union, I forgot where Jax and Tobi went. I have a very weak memory when it comes on other things.

We had lobster and crabs by lunch. Kuya Therence is the one helping me with my foods since I don't know how to open them. While eating the seafoods I remember Ali. That girl, allergic to seafoods but whenever she have the chance to eat some, she will.

"Tita, may chance po ba na maghanda tayo ng seafood sa pasko?" I ask, the triplets looks at each other before nodding.

"Sure, if gusto mo eh." Tita Theresa ask,

I smiled and slowly nod, "Hindi pa naman po sure pero I have a friend po kasi that loves seafoods." I said and the three nods.

"Sige, sabihan mo lang agad kami." Tita Thiara said and I nod.

After lunch, I had a chocolate ice cream that I still put some milk chocolate bars, some brownies and some chocolate syrup. I'm basically just adding more sweets to an Ice cream.

I'm laying down on my bed, eating the ice cream when my phone beeped. I thought it's Theo so I had my hopes up. But I didn't got disappointed when I saw Ali's name.

From Alipangot:

Kamusta mareh?

From Alipangot:

Oks ka lang ba?

From Alipangot:

May pusa dito sa school.

From Alipangot:

Wala lang... na miss lang kita hehehe

Her messages never fail to make me smile, through her messages I can feel her love and care. Everytime I hear or see Ali's name, the first thing that came in my mind is a very lovely and caring girl.

To Alipangot:

I'm fine, no worries, just had lunch. Ikaw ba?

From Alipangot:

Done na, sa school na ako nag lunch.

To Alipangot:

Oh? Di pa tapos practice niyo?

From Alipangot:

Hanggang ngayon nalang don't worry, ikaw naman masyado kang nag-aalala. Ikaw ha!! Baka gusto mo akong jowain!

I burst out laughing as I read her messages, gosh, her humor!

To Alipangot:

Shut up, just asking eh! Masyado ka.

From Alipangot:

Ay, sabagay, sino ba naman ako para magustuhan mo diba?

She sent it with bunch of crying emoji which made me laugh harder to the point I'm burying my head on my pillow.

To Alipangot:

Sira, dami mo drama.

To Alipagot:

By the way, if pupunta ka dito sa 25, magpapahanda ako ng seafoods. Lobsters and king crabs.

From Alipangot:

Sira ka! Masyado mong alam kung paano ako makukuha! Oo na, pupunta na diyan, mga ano... mga 3PM ganun, di pa sure ha!

From Alipangot:

Pero susubukan kong i-try HAHAHAHAH

From Alipangot:

Para sa seafoods beh, magdadala ako ng sangkaterbang anti-histamine. 

To Alipangot:

Sige-sige, I'm excited to see you.

From Alipangot:

Yiee! Sige na, dumadating na mga trainer naming. Baka magsimula na maya-maya. Bye! Enjoy your day!

I reacted a heart to her messaged. I place down my phone and just finished my ice cream before placing it to my bedside table. I tuck myself in bed and fell asleep.

I woke up around 5PM, I had the urge to go biking and just enjoy the sunset in the subdivision.

"ALI!!!" I shouted when I pass by their house and saw her going down from her father's motorcycle, just came home from practice.

"Bike?" I asked, few meters away from their house.

She pouted and shake her head, "Pass, pagod pa." She replied, I smiled and slowly nod before waving a goodbye and continue biking.

I went home by 6:30PM, I immediately took a shower and change into pajamas. I watch some random videos on my phone before tita Thiara called me through the intercom and told me dinner is ready.

So I went down and ate dinner with them. They were talking about something and I decided not to interfere. I don't have anything to say anyways.

After dinner I went straight to my room and stay by the terrace. I'm staring at the sky and just head empty. Feeling the cold breeze and spirit of Christmas. From my terrace, I can see the Christmas Lights of the whole house. From the garden, to the garage and basketball court.

I can also see Ali's house from here, their house don't have any Christmas Lights which is weird. Back when we were elementary their house is full of decorations. It's just one of my observations that their house is not as colorful when it's holiday season just like before. Probably they're just... not in the mood to put decorations.

After few more minutes of staying outside, I decided to head inside and sleep.

I woke up around 11AM by the 24th of December. I don't have the appetite to eat that's why I just stayed there. Doing the bead paintings Ali gave me, watching movies and other things. I went down by 3PM. I saw that they're already preparing the foods for the Christmas eve.

I just eat some donuts, cup noodles while watching my titas and the maids to cook.

I stayed downstairs until 6PM. I told them to call me before midnight. I spend the hours in my room, continuing the bead painting while a movie playing on my large TV. Before even midnight came, I already finished the painting. I took a picture of it and sent it to Ali.

From Alipangot:

AY POWER MAREH! Andito ako kila Franco right now, fam xmas party.

To Alipangot:

Oh okay, enjoy then.

From Alipangot:

Okie, enjoy ka rin.

Around 11:30PM, I decided to get changed into some wide jeans, then the croptop I made for myself and top it with a Balenciaga jacket.

I'm now sitting on my bed, holding my phone and contemplating if I should message and greet mom. I already greeted Theo a Merry Christmas even though they're 16 hours behind.

I may dislike my mom at some point... I'm still longing for a mother's love.

11:49 PM, the phrase 'Merry Christmas' is already written on my screen, ready to send mom.

I took a deep breath before hitting send. I took another deep breath before looking down on my phone. Mom is online so I'm waiting for her to read it. And she did, she did but didn't give any response. Just... seen it.

"Nothing?" I asked myself as I begun to feel... mad.

"Really mom?! You don't really care for me?!" I shouted before throwing my phone on my bed. I cover myself with the bedsheet and feel the hot tears stream down my cheeks.

"Lory, baba na, malapit na mag Noche Buena—"

"Ayaw ko na pala kuya Therence! Bukas nalang ako kakain!" I shouted trying to hide the hint of crying in my voice.

"Sige sige, tulog kana, baka napuyat kana." He replied and I heard his footsteps gone further.

I cried for few minutes, just... just pure sadness. Until I heard them starts shouting Merry Christmas downstairs. I decided to close my eyes and sleep for the whole Christmas Eve.

I woke up by 2PM, I have no energy, to stand, to speak, to walk. But the sudden ringing of my phone woke me up. And as I press answer. The call ended. There's only one person who do this, and that's Ali.

I sat up on my bed and open my phone to go to her messages.

Gosh... she's awake by 12 midnight, I received their messages from the group chat and some other classmates. Ali also sent me messages by 6AM, then 7AM, then 8AM and 9-11AM.

To Alipangot:

Hey, makakapunta ka? Sure?

From Alipangot:

Yes bestie, kakagising mo lang?

To Alipangot:

Yes yes, sorry, ipapaluto ko na kila tita yung lobsters and crabs. See you at 3PM?

From Alipangot:

See you!

I jumped out of bed and rush downstairs, I don't care what will they think that I'm wearing jeans right now and jacket but I informed my titas to cook the lobsters and crabs. After that I rush back upstairs and took a shower. Change into some wide shorts and an oversized sweater. I dried my hair and put it on a ponytail. I applied some make up. Around 2:43PM, Ali is already here, such an early bird.

"Hey!! Merry Christmas!!" She greeted as she run towards me to hug me.

"Hey!" I said as I hug her back.

She pull away from the hug, "Napuyat ka yata masyado kagabi, alas dos na bestie!" She said before giggling.

I gave her a faint smile, "Tinulugan ko ang buong Christmas Eve habang umiiyak." I said and her eyes widened.

She held me by my hands and drag me by the dining table. The maids started serving our foods. The maids started serving the foods as me and Ali sat on chair across each other.

She politely sat on her seats as my tita serves the other foods.

"Ikaw lang ang kaibigan niya na nakapunta, mga busy yata ang iba." Tita Thiara said and Ali giggled and smiled before nodding.

"Super po, may mga sari-sariling lakad sa buhay nila. Ako lang naman po ang madalang mag out of town kapag pasko." She replied to tita Thiara. Tita Thiara smiled and probably amused on how Ali talked to her. Hindi talaga mahiyain si Ali, lahat nalang parang kaibigan sa kaniya.

She waited for the foods to be served, she look around to make sure no one is with us anymore before looking at me.

"Why? Si tita?" she ask in a low tone voice as if she already know what happened. Out of my 5 friends, she knows me the best.