CHAPTER SIXTEEN
butterfly's repose — part two
" 𝖕𝖚𝖒𝖕𝖐𝖎𝖓 𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖛𝖎𝖓𝖌. "

"𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐒𝐔𝐂𝐇 𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐃𝐑𝐄𝐍."

"I like to think of it more like reconnecting with my childhood."

Remus Lupin hadn't carved a pumpkin since he was seven. And that was the first and last time he ever participated in any Halloween celebrations. He thought it was a pathetic American holiday and a waste of time and sweets. The only other time he was forced to take part in spooky season activities was when James and Sirius threw a party in the Gryffindor common room on the thirty-first during their sixth year and even then he just called it another Marauders bash and got so pissed he hardly even remembered it was Halloween. Not to mention, werewolves are villainized in Muggle culture on October thirty-first. Christmas is much more pleasant.

It was safe to say Halloween wasn't Remus' favourite holiday.

So when James suggested they carve pumpkins together at midnight in the greenhouses as it was their final year at school, Remus was even more shocked when Sirius and Peter entertained the idea.

"I don't think I've ever heard such bullshit come from your mouth before, James," Remus said as the four of them descended the stairs towards the Great Hall for breakfast.

Peter held up a finger to make his point, "That's saying something."

Remus hadn't changed his opinions on the whole pumpkin carving thing by the time third period rolled around. James had been mentioning it in passing all day and so by one o'clock, Remus had concluded he was going to be forced to participate.

Then again, he didn't have any other plans for the evening and James had spoken about how they had all invited other people so it wasn't just going to be the lonely four of them doing juvenile activities in the middle of the night.

He thought about how everyone else was inviting people when Selene walked through the door into the History of Magic classroom. She smiled at Remus as she took her seat a couple of rows in front of him.

Remus knew he was overthinking things when the bell rang and he was still considering inviting her to their pumpkin carving later. All while Professor Binns was rambling on about the Goblin Rebellions he was debating with himself. Would she think it was weird? Had they got close enough for him to invite her to something he was doing with his friends.

He watched as she left the classroom, mixed up in a throng of people and he couldn't help but think back to how the other three of his friends had invited a few people already. He didn't want to come across as lame to Selene ─ because, let's face it, pumpkin carving was seriously lame ─ but he wouldn't mind it all that much if she was there too.

"Hey, Selene!" Remus called out to her in the corridor amongst a mob of students leaving their classrooms. He had made the decision very last minute but there was no turning back now because she whipped around to find the source of whoever was calling her name and her face softened when she saw who was approaching her.

"Hey, Remus," she said. "Is everything okay?"

Remus tended to keep their conversations outside of school time, in the hospital wing or the library, where his friends wouldn't be found. And that is what made his next question all that much scarier.

"I just wanted to ask you something. And this sounds stupid," Remus briefly squeezed his eyes shut as if what he was about to ask was painful. Just do it, he told himself. "But James wants to carve pumpkins tonight so a couple of us are heading down to the greenhouses at midnight if you wanted to join?"

He could see a slight flicker grace the glossy surface of her eyes, but other than that and a timid smile, she didn't give anything away. "I don't want to intrude."

"No, I promise it's okay," Remus replied, optimistic that she hadn't straight up laughed in his face as he expected her to. "Sirius has invited a few people, Regulus is coming, I'm sure James would be very grateful if you invited Lily."

"Could I invite my roommates too?" She asked, and Remus took that immediately as a yes. And the fact she wanted to bring more people ─ a good sign. "It's okay if not, I don't want it to get too overcrowded."

"Of course," he practically gushed, happy that he had done his bit and relieved that she hadn't shut him down.

Once lessons were finished for the day, and they'd all filled their stomachs with dinner from the feast, the Marauders returned to their dorm to discuss the night's activities and to change into some warmer clothes.

"Did you end up inviting anyone, Moony?" Peter asked, his head still buried under the knitted jumper he was throwing over his head.

"Yeah," Remus replied, tucking his socks under his trousers, "Selene."

"No colleagues allowed!" James protested, halting where he was throwing his jacket over his Quidditch jumper.

"Am I not allowed to expand my circle of friends?" Remus chuckled dryly, amusement playing on his lips. They all knew about Remus' volunteering at the hospital wing but they hadn't heard much about the girl he volunteered with.

"No."

"Absolutely not."

"It's too risky."

All they got in return was Remus' middle finger until he had his hand on the knob of the door and was about to step outside when he added, "Oh, and she's bringing Lily too."

James flushed red. "Never mind then."

It was still unclear to Remus as they all headed down to the greenhouses where they were going to get the pumpkins essential for their carving, but when they arrived, James explained to him that Peter had been growing them alongside his Herbology course and he didn't want them to go to waste.

"It's how I got the idea," James said. "You know how Pete is with his Herbology."

Remus did know ─ the Pettigrew boy was very enthusiastic.

Remus had never seen the grounds this calm, as the four of them plus Regulus, Mary, and Marlene descended the stone steps that were lodged into the grassy hill en route to the greenhouses. Whenever he was out of the castle at this time of night it was when he was in the Shrieking Shack for his transformations and those weren't exactly pleasant memories. But now, he could appreciate how still it all seemed, bar the light rustling of leaves against trees.

The seven of them waited outside the greenhouses, while Sirius unlocked them with a series of charms, conversing amiably. Remus was surprised any of them wanted to carve pumpkins with James Potter on a night as nippy as this one, but Sirius had promised booze and they had even enchanted James' record player down to travel size so that they could create a small party-like atmosphere. Maybe this was something teenagers did. Remus still didn't feel like a normal one of those so he entrusted James and Sirius to work it out for him.

Lily arrived next, surprising them all by having a bottle of wine in hand. She told them this was where Selene had instructed her to meet them. They were inside a minute later. James didn't say a word, but the moonlight was enough to reveal the blush on his cheeks.

Selene arrived a mere few minutes later, Francesca Ripley and Elsie Murphy in toe. She explained later that Agatha wanted to come too, but was an early bird and usually ended up in bed at eight o'clock every night.

"You came," Remus joked to Selene, still very much confused by this whole concept.

"Surprised?" She asked, a light crinkle forming at the bridge of her nose.

Remus enveloped his top lip with his bottom one and shrugged. "Pleasantly."

With Peter now having fetched all of their pumpkins, and Sirius having dumped the series of knives and cutting tools he stole from the Kitchens onto the spacious table, the carving began. They had lit candles all around the greenhouse, as they all stood around one large worktop. The music was peacefully playing, and the drinks were passed around, each of them drinking straight from the bottles. Laughter accompanied all of this, and Remus was beginning to see it differently.

"How's Dallas?" He asked from where he stood close enough to Elsie to start a conversation.

Elsie didn't give any thought to the fact that maybe the reason Remus was asking was that Dallas had recently fallen off his broom because she answered with a scoff and a roll of her eyes: "Annoying as ever, the little shit," she said, just as she violently stabbed the pumpkin in her grip.

Selene found this amusing and chuckled, "I think Remus meant how are his injuries?"

This caused Elsie's brows to furrow. She glanced at a patient Remus and didn't have any recollection of her brother and the boy in front of her ever interacting. "Oh."

"Remus helps out in the hospital wing too," Selene offered as an explanation as to how Remus knew about Dallas' fall, causing her to temporarily pause the carving of the mouth of her wonky pumpkin.

Understanding flooded Elsie's face. "Ah, I see. Yeah, he's fine," she dismissed their worry with a wave of her hand; the hand she held a jagged knife in. "Way in over his head about this Quidditch thing though."

James must have overheard this (or his ears simply spike up at any mention of Quidditch) because he called out from across the lengthy worktop to join in the conversation. "Wait, you're Dallas Murphy's older sister, aren't you?"

"Unfortunately."

James nodded fondly. "Good kid," he hummed. "Ambitious."

"Please tell me that means he will never make your Quidditch team," Elsie said, her shoulders sagging. "I fear he won't ever shut up about it if he does."

"He has a chance," James shrugged, before lifting a finger and pointing it at Elsie. "And he most definitely has every right to never shut up about Quidditch."

Remus pulled a face as if to say oh Merlin here we go before muttering to himself and Selene who stood closest to him. "James knows all about that."

Clearly, Remus didn't speak discreetly enough because James scowled his way, and no doubt would have nudged him in the side if he was close enough. "Oi, you."

And so the carving continued. Along with the casual drinking and insult-throwing. The tool exchanging and out-of-tune singing. Francesca and Elsie too seemed to be enjoying themselves as they talked to Peter and Mary about their shared love for pumpkin pie (Elsie said she was going to take all of the scrap insides and bake pumpkin pie herself after this).

Selene found herself taking a step back at one point just to take it all in. She had never seen such joyfulness in one place. And she never would have guessed she would feel that way in a greenhouse, with lumpy pumpkin guts scattered everywhere and while James Potter and Sirius Black sang a David Bowie (Bowley? Boney? She wasn't one hundred percent sure who he was but Sirius made sure to give her an in-depth explanation of the singer's entire life story while she carved the eyes of her pumpkin. It felt like mansplaining but he was tipsy and enthusiastic and she thought it was quite adorable too) song as a duet.

Remus had never opened up in the same way he did that night to Selene too. He spoke more comfortably than ever, chuckling at memories he had only ever told his closest friends, listening to her talk about this and that as if they had been friends for years.

"I could be doing so many better things than this on a Wednesday night," Marlene laughed to them all, "and yet I don't want to be."

"We told you this was a genius idea," Sirius said in response. "Moony just wouldn't listen."

Remus' mouth dropped open offended. "I'm here now, so piss off."

"Quite a random thing to do, no?" Francesca joked, despite her scooping out the insides of her very own pumpkin. They all understood that, in fairness, it was the middle of October but they were also all seventeen and at boarding school ─ carving pumpkins was something you did as a kid with your parents at home.

"Random, yes," James agreed, bobbing his head as if to weigh out the rationale of it, before his eyes dropped back onto his pumpkin and carving knife, scoffing as he said, "but we need to distract ourselves from this stupid war anyway."

Everywhere went quiet. The laughing stopped, the room tensed up. They heard crickets they didn't even know existed, and the wind howled even louder than before. Knives clattered onto the worktop. The music kept quietly playing in the background.

James realised his mistake immediately. It was the first time Selene had ever heard the Wizarding War mentioned in a public setting. Her parents had tossed around the current state of the world in passing but that was all. She tended to block out any talk of them joining the fight because she felt alone enough as it was without such threats. But the truth was, she hardly knew anything about it.

From briefly glancing about the room, Selene could tell that she wasn't the only one that avoided topics such as this. She caught Remus' gaze for a second, but he seized up and his eyes dropped to the floor. Regulus walked out of the greenhouse, the glass door slamming a little too loud for the defeating silence that still persisted. His pumpkin rolled off the edge of the countertop. Sirius' eyes bored into the exit his brother just left through a little bit longer than anyone felt comfortable with. But he didn't chase after Regulus.

"I'm sorry," James finally blurted out, his voice cracking as he went. "Not the time."

Silence. Where was a classic Sirius Black joke when you needed it?

"You're right, James," Selene said quietly, cautiously. It was out of nowhere, out of the stiff lull. Selene didn't even know herself where she had gained the courage. All eyes turned on her. James' head snapped up to look across the table. "This is the perfect random distraction."

Despite the solemn in her voice, James appreciated her speaking out and it wasn't long until they were back to normal. Sirius talked Regulus back inside and the boy was quiet for the rest of the night but carved his pumpkin nonetheless.

They turned the music up a little louder; James and Sirius threw pumpkin guts at each other. All was well again. But it wasn't quite the same. James' words hung over them like a haunting cloud; a very real reminder of the very real events happening outside the safety of the castle walls. But they didn't need to worry about that in this given moment.

"Is it constipated?" Remus teased, cocking his head to the side to get a better angle. He and Selene were analysing their final pumpkins and he couldn't deny that hers perplexed him.

"Hey!" She laughed, although she couldn't help but agree. The eyes were a bit small, the nose seemed scrunched up somehow, and where she had tried to do a jagged sort of pattern on the mouth, it instead looked as though it was straining somewhat. "It's . . . different. Sorry I didn't conform to the pumpkin-carving norms of society."

Remus could see where she was holding back another laugh because both of them knew her pumpkin was certainly different, but it was most certainly not intentional.

"Yours isn't much better," she nudged his side and it was clear to both of them that she was trying to pull the attention away from her clumsy attempt at pumpkin carving. "What is it meant to be? A badger with rabies?"

"No," Remus laughed, their eyes now trained on the pumpkin he was hauling in his outstretched arms. "It's a wolf," he shrugged. He thought it was quite obvious but maybe he could have done a little better on the ears he used from discarded pumpkin parts.

Her smile faded a little, but Selene still gazed fondly at his creation, as if this piece of information meant she could truly appreciate it for what it was. "Oh," she hummed, "I see it now."

With their spirits back to normal, the extended group of friends decided to call it a night, their pumpkins all cradled in their arms. James had carved a drunken pumpkin, its seeds and orangey insides to be used to display the vomit later on. Peter, a rat and Sirius a dog (James didn't get the animagus memo). Regulus opted for a ghost and he would argue that his was miles better than Francesca's attempt. And Elsie went with a classic-looking "scary" pumpkin because she didn't have any original ideas.

Selene, Lily, and Remus were the final three in the greenhouses; the others having scampered off. The alcohol was beginning to wear off and so they planned to add some brandy to a batch of hot chocolate when they made it back inside.

The moon was particularly visible that night. No trees were close enough to cover its body with their branches, and its bright white light streamed down in pillars of light onto the peaceful castle below.

Selene found herself staring at it on her way out, tucking her arms into herself to trap in the warmth.

She had a love-hate relationship with this particular celestial body. For the majority of the month, it was beautiful, captivating, a sign that life could be untouched and tranquil. But for one night every month, it was her downfall, her biggest enemy, something she cursed simply for existing.

It was one week until the next full moon. It sounded cliché but the October strain always did feel scarier than the others. Colder, darker even. It was nonsense, Selene knew that, but she couldn't help but feel a certain chill against her skin at the thought of her transformation during the month of October.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" Lily snapped Selene out of her reverie in an instant, causing Selene to jump a little.

Remus was the last to exit the greenhouse, having wanted to make sure he and his friends hadn't left too much of a mess to get them into trouble the next day. When he closed the door to and took a step out onto the grassy grounds, Selene and Lily stood stagnant a little way out. He heard the moon mentioned fleetingly but he wouldn't let himself look at it. Not when the next transformation was so close.

He didn't want to eavesdrop and had no intention of doing so, but the two girls remained where they were.

"Er, yeah, yeah it is," Selene nervously replied. She wasn't aware anyone was watching her stare out into the night sky and she felt weird about it.

Remus noticed how Selene's eyes were now transfixed on the ground beneath her as if she had suddenly become allergic to looking at the moon now that Lily had picked her up on it. As if no one could know she was gazing up at such a thing, or because she would only ever let herself do it alone.

Remus found himself relating to her. He knew if any one of his friends caught him looking up at the moon on a clear night such as tonight, knowing what they know, he would shake himself out of his daze and force himself to walk away.

Lily noticed Remus hovering behind her and Selene then and stepped backwards as if to invite him to join them. Remus didn't want to do that; he wanted to get out of the cold, away from the moon's harsh stare.

He gave them both a friendly nod, a ghost of a smile. He hoped both of them would label James' reminders of the war as the cause for his lack of talkativeness, as opposed to the glaringly exposed moon.

"Shall we go then?" Selene then asked, now fully turned towards him, her back to the moon, her eyes never once returning to its glare.

Remus and Lily both nodded, and Selene was the first to break away from the group, following the others up to the castle.

The moon wasn't his friend. But maybe it wasn't Selene's either.

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