CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
butterfly's repose — part three
" 𝖇𝖆𝖉 𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖘. "

     𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐄 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐔𝐒 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐎𝐆𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓. Maybe it was the fact they were united with their fear of loud noises or maybe it was the simple fact that they liked each other's company. But Remus' friends started seeing less of him, and Selene had never spent so little of her time alone in what seemed to be her whole life.

     They did all of their assignments together, exchanged reading recommendations, went on walks around the castle at the strangest of hours. Selene's roommates would hear her coming back late at night but didn't say anything and instead exchanged excited glances as she tried to discreetly slip under her sheets.

     With the good time Selene had been having, she had been so caught up in how much she was enjoying spending time with Remus that she never considered that his friends were noting his absence. 

     This became clear to Selene when she passed Sirius in the corridors down by the courtyard one Sunday and he asked if they could have a talk.

     She was unsure at first, having never had a one-on-one conversation with Sirius Black, but since she knew he was harmless and a chatty lad, Selene felt she had no real reason to say no other than the fact she was chronically terrified of awkward situations.

     "I just want to have a word with you about Remus," Sirius told her. "It's nothing bad, I just want to be clear about something."

     This did nothing to ease the fears that were bubbling in the pit of Selene's stomach. But then he put his hand on the small of her back and led her out towards the grassy area of the grounds. The sun was shy that cloudy day in late November, but the birds were still chirping and the leaves burned like amber.

     They walked peacefully through the courtyard, as if old friends. Sirius waited until they exited out the back, to the hills, unloading off the castle grounds, before he continued.

     "Remus is a . . . tentative soul."

     Selene, funnily enough, did not need Sirius Black to tell her this. "Right."

     "And, well . . . troubled."

     "Troubled?"

     "Yes, troubled."

     Sirius waited for Selene to say something to this but she didn't quite know what to say. What did it mean to be troubled? She didn't want to pry and she didn't suspect Sirius knew everything about the inner workings of Remus Lupin's mind which meant she didn't have much else to respond with.

     They had reached the stone steps down towards Hagrid's Hut and had made considerable progress descending together before circling back around. Selene suddenly felt very cold.

     "One of the very first things Remus said to me when we met," Sirius then said, "was, I'm often better left alone."

     "Are you telling me to leave Remus alone, Sirius?" Selene came right out and asked, since he was apparently under the impression that the two of them speaking was a totally normal thing to happen.

     "Not exactly," Sirius said. His brows furrowed as he debated how to say this. "I don't think you have bad intentions, Selene, I really don't. And I'm not accusing you of anything," Sirius said before he paused, trying to figure out the best closing statement. "Remus is just fragile. Don't be angry if he's not everything you think he is."

     Sirius stopped where they were. They had returned to the courtyard where they started throughout the length of their talk (more like Sirius's talk). The wind ran its fingers through his long, back hair. He stared down at her, faint smile lines apparent on his face when there really wasn't a smile to be seen.

     "Do you see what I'm saying?" Sirius asked.

     Selene nodded. Slowly and thoughtfully, the kind of way someone who understood what she should do going forward would do. Selene, however, did not know what to do with this information. She did not, in fact, see what he was saying.

     "I'll see you around, okay?" Sirius said. Now he was smiling, squeezing her arm. Normally, as if he hadn't just dropped a bomb on Selene's day.

     "Okay," she said. And then he was gone.

     Despite the fact that she was cold (she had, after all, not prepared for Sirius to corner her into the biggest wind trap of the whole castle), Selene sat down on the nearest bench. The courtyard was quiet and the clouds had seemed to have gotten darker in the last ten minutes. Like Sirius had just rained on her parade, she suspected she was about to literally be rained on.

     Selene's mind whirled as she flitted through what this could mean. Was he secretly an arsehole? Did he treat women horribly? What was so wrong with him that his best friend felt the need to warn her? Because that was what this was, wasn't it? A warning? A caution since she had been spending so much time with him and that somehow put her in more danger than she was in beforehand?

     Whatever Sirius' goal was, he had certainly freaked her out. As much as she wanted to think that Remus would be honest with her, something about the look in Sirius' eyes, something almost foreign, told her he was being serious. That he was not messing about and it was his duty to bring her this message.

     So why was he being so cryptic about it? Had Remus said something to his best friend about her and so Sirius had taken it upon herself to intervene where he saw necessary?

     Selene abruptly stood up. Her hands were numb, and there was no place she would rather be in that moment than in the library. She needed to centre herself, remind herself why she loved this place so much, even without Remus Lupin in it.

     She headed straight to the library.

✽

     𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐐𝐔𝐈𝐄𝐓, 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐓. Her favourite spot was free and while she had no assignments to complete or studying to be done, all Selene needed was a comfy chair and a good book. She now had both.

     She kept her head down as she weaved through the maze that was the library. Unassuming and not bothering anyone was her goal.

     And out of nowhere, the book slipped right off the shelf and flopped open at her feet. It almost scraped her face and she was grateful that it didn't until she realised what page it had miraculously opened on to. The book was The Werewolf: From Creation to Defeat and the page was a double-page of illustrations. Furious eyes and frightening razor blades for teeth. The drawings stared back at her, almost without dignity.

     For a moment, Selene was paralysed. The armchair she was reaching for was but a meter away, the calm she had been searching for on this tumultuous day. And yet she couldn't move, frozen to the spot like those yellow beady eyes had the ability to hypnotise her.

     Was someone teasing her? Why did it feel like the whole world was watching her in the exact moment she was dying to return to her old status as a nobody?

     Finally, she gathered the courage to pick the book up, slam it shut and fumble about until she found its rightful spot on the shelf, making sure there was no one laughing at her from the other side.

     She couldn't focus after that. She was spooked and even sleep did nothing to help her. She lay awake for what felt like the entire night, her warm sheets not enough comfort to still her mind from spinning. Selene had always had worries about her classmates learning of her condition. It was bad enough having to live with three people so she had always made it her mission to not get too close to anyone in case their proximity revealed too much. 

     But now Remus Lupin was in her life and his best friend was warning her that they shouldn't get too close and she couldn't help but think (as she did with most things) that her condition was the cause of it all.

     It seemed that, just as quickly as they had gotten good, things were slipping away from her in a foreboding manner that she didn't fully understand.

     Selene watched the sunset and sun rise that night, fighting sleep and fighting a civil war in her own mind as she willed it to shut off. When the moon rose, it acted as another bad omen, another brutal reminder that her life would never be normal and that she would never deserve the love she so desperately craved.

     If only she had someone who understood how it felt.

✽

     𝐒𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐃𝐄𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐃 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅, Defence Against the Dark Arts class was the last place that Selene wanted to be come Monday morning. Usually, she would opt to keep her head down, write her notes in silence, and be gone as if she were never there. But Selene knew it would not be an average lesson when Professor Otterburn stood at the front of the classroom, leaning up against his desk, wearing a solemn expression. The class fell into a confused silence almost immediately. It wasn't until then that Otterburn began speaking.

     "What I am about to discuss with you is nothing I want you to worry about but something serious enough for us to warn you about separately."

     Already, Selene was concerned. She straightened herself up and fixed her eyes on the way the Professor's eyes drooped and how his facial muscles sagged. The rest of the classroom seemed to do the same. They never had announcements such as this one so this couldn't be good. Even Sirius Black de-slouched himself.

     "Professor Dumbledore and the rest of the faculty think it best we discuss this issue in person, instead of having you speculate freely outside of this classroom, which I am sure you will do anyway," Otterburn continued, before taking another calming breath in. He clasped his hands in front of his body and for just a second, Selene could have sworn he looked right at her. "Two nights ago, there was a werewolf attack not far from Hogsmeade. This is not something for you all to be frightened by but it does allude to more dark activity on the rise."

     Selene's stomach seemed to hollow out. At the series of gasps that followed and dropped quills and nails bitten, her heart almost stopped beating. She had never wanted to be normal more than she ever did in that moment.

     She doesn't know how or why but instantly Selene caught Remus' eye. And she didn't get the reassurance she thought she might as their gazes locked. He looked terrible, suddenly very tired, and horrified. Selene suspected she looked somewhat similar as they looked at each other, eyes locked, taking a slow, deep breath. 

     Otterburn continued to rattle on about "not wanting to alarm anyone" but Selene sat through the rest of the lesson on autopilot. She wasn't sure if anyone could go about their day normally after that but she sure couldn't. Was Dumbledore going to speak to her individually? What did this mean for her future at Hogwarts? What did this mean for the future of the Wizarding World and possible war? Was her bad day simply going to keep getting worse?

     Selene didn't want to spend another second in that classroom, and as soon as they were dismissed, she bee-lined for the Great Hall. Food would probably do her good, considering she had skipped breakfast. Then she'd research the attacks. She wouldn't put it passed Otterburn if he had sugarcoated the true horrors of the nearby attacks.

     But not before Remus caught up to her.

     "Hey, are you okay?" He asked her, laying a hand on her arm. Remus had taken note of how he hadn't heard from Selene since their night playing cards in one of the study rooms two nights ago. He felt her absence greatly.

     She flinched. He pulled away. Selene had never looked so afraid of him. His heart sank.

     Selene wanted to tell him everything. The bad omens she had seen these past couple of days, what this meant for her condition, but she knew she couldn't. What with the recent attacks, he'd be horrified about who he was really talking to. Remus didn't deserve that, and she ought to leave him alone, like Sirius had suggested. It was for the better.

     "I'm fine," she gulped. She looked right through him and he felt hollow. "I've got to go, sorry, Remus."

     And she really was sorry, as sorry as one person could be. But Selene had to confirm her fears. She had to know how many students would be aware of the attack, how accessible this information was, and what this meant for the downward spiral she already felt herself descending into.

     She found her dormmates in the Great Hall at lunch and instantly asked, "Do you have a copy of this morning's newspaper?"

     "Good afternoon to you, too," Francesca chuckled. Francesca rarely sat at the Ravenclaw table and in her manic state, Selene also took that as a bad omen; that everything was out of sorts and she was going to be outed any day now.

     It wasn't like Selene not to say hello at least so she tried to remedy that, shaking her head to do her best to free the frightening thoughts from her mind. "Sorry, yeah, hi, didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

     Selene waited for them to register that as a good enough explanation so that they could return to the matter at hand. "So?" She said. "The newspaper?"

     Agatha was picking off the crusts from a ham sandwich. "Since when did you read the newspaper?"

     Selene shrugged. "Since right now."

     "Are you scared of the attacks, or something?" Elsie asked her.

     Selene still wasn't getting the response she needed and her shoulders sagged. Why was she the only one left spooked by the professors' forewarning? "Aren't you?"

     "Not really," Francesca shrugged. "Dumbledore wouldn't let them get anywhere near Hogwarts."

     "Yeah, Selene, don't worry about it," Agatha assured her with a smile. She guessed that meant they did not have the most recent issue of the local newspaper. "This is a school. Dumbledore would explode if those things got anywhere near the kids here."

      Selene instantly knew it was a mistake to talk to anyone about this. No one saw it the same as her. Her roommates' vocabulary told her that much:

     Dumbledore wouldn't let them get anywhere near Hogwarts . . . Don't worry about it . . .Those things.

     She'd be repeating those words all night and she was already accepting that she wouldn't be sleeping a wink later. She felt awful, but she knew her friends would feel worse if they knew who they were really sleeping next to.

     "Are you okay?" Francesca asked after a moment. She laid a hand on Selene's hand. The latter's eyes had glossed over and she wasn't really there. Francesca gave her a little bit more of a nudge. "Selene?"

     Francesca had never been one for gentleness. She rarely spoke about her feelings and she never spoke to her dormmates about theirs. Selene's terror must really be showing on her face.

     The girl shook as the world came crashing down around her and reality pieced itself back together. She nodded frantically, as if determined to convince them she didn't have a single complaint. "I'm fine," she assured them. "Just tired."

     Selene was tired. But it was an accumulation of a lot of things that put her in this state. Some might call it a "bad week". Selene had a lot of those. And she wasn't due for a transformation for weeks. Selene wondered then if this was what being a werewolf was like at school, what on earth was adulthood going to be like?

     She didn't know how many more of these bad weeks she could take.

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