I don't want to be here. Lethargic feelings coat my body in a thick paste, my bones heavier, my feet harder to lift and my brain constantly buffering. I don't want to be here. Everywhere I look, my head hurts. Everything that my eyes take in, causes me discomfort. There's absolutely nothing that's appealing about being here.

The day after Alex and I's relationship fell apart and now, my mind is falling apart too. Booked into a press day months in advance, I couldn't back out of my plans but god, did I want to. On my second photo shoot of the day, my body is tired and my mind is drained. I bother to look at my phone this morning but it now sings to me with temptation, the everlasting question of has she texted? Pulling me in. But I ignore the pull of temptation because I know that she wouldn't of texted last night.

The shouting. The crying. The loss. All of it has compiled into one mass of an ache inside of me, one that Alex used to fill. But after she walked out on our relationship last night, I know that's she's not going to fill that hole any longer nor is she going to text. My hopes have been crushed and I'm finding it hard to get the inspiration to piece it all back together again - one speck of dust at a time.

But regardless of if I want to be here or not, I'm going to have to do this. I pull my body into weird positions and ignore everyone around me as I pose for a camera who's incessant clicking noise is really starting to get on my nerves. The photographer is bending around me, squatting as he desperately tries to get the right angle.

On a photo-shoot for a magazine cover that I'm doing, my body screams with hatred as I look into the camera. I despise photo-shoots, they're so awkward. I've been labelled a model for the numerous photo shoots I've done, but that's just due to good photographers - I don't have a passion for it. But, admittedly, I don't care that there's a whole team in front of me watching what I do today whilst a man hops around with a camera. I don't care what any of them do because it will be worth it if this mundane task of standing in front of a white background momentarily takes my mind off of Alex.

Alex.

My chest hollows out whenever I think of her. My initial instinct is anger, but there's longing in it too. Mingled in, ever so slightly, dulling down the anger that I felt with her last night when everything fell apart.

But the problem is, I can't take my mind off of her. When I woke up this morning, when I sat in the hair and make-up chair, when I had an outfit change - thoughts of her are following me everywhere. It's impossible to take my mind off of her and even though I want the photoshoot to do the impossible, I know it's useless.

However hard I try, her voice cracking pierces my ears. Her shouts echo through my brain. Her hands clutched into fists is the only image my eyes have ever captured and the way the door slammed last night is still ringing in my ears. There's nothing I can do to get her out of my head.

"Okay, Theo, I need you to look moody. Let's get serious." The photographer calls, finally backing up to get a shot from further away.

And for the first time in eighteen hours, I feel humor. Moody is the only thing I'm capable of right now.

So, I do what I'm told. No matter how much I don't want to. No matter how much I hate what I'm doing right now - I'm still doing it and that's the main thing. When the crew finally decides that we've got enough, they call it quits and I thank every one of them before practically sprinting out of the door.

The torture is over for my body. My mind is still at war.

Climbing into my car, I pull out my phone to call James who I know will be out sight seeing or something. But as I turn on my phone, a thousand notifications light up the screen. My eyes water as my mind seems to surrender to my morbid thoughts. I can't do this. Who was I trying to impress by saying that I could? From the way Alex talked last night, there is no her to impress anymore. She's just a cast mate at this stage.

That thought causes me to groan out loud, resting my head against the seat as I squeeze my eyes shut. Cast mate. That's all she is now. Not my friend or my girlfriend or the love of my life - she's just one of the sixty cast members on the show.

Mr Walden speaks up, his voice gentle to not cause any alarms, "Theo, we've arrived at your interview."

In a split second decision, I make up my mind. The thousands of notifications constantly flowing in need to be stopped, no matter if it's going to cause agony in the process.

"Turn around." I command.

"What?"

"Turn around. I can't do this. Take me home, I need to text Alex about what's happening with the media."

Mr Walden does as he's told and soon, we're travelling back to my apartment. "I know it's none of my business, but if you and Alex had a fight, I don't think you should be texting her."

"It's too late, I already have." I say, my voice erased of any humor.

Theo: I know we're not in the right place to talk but we still have the rumors to deal with.

The wait is agonizing. Dots appear, but nothing comes through. Tension vibrates through my whole body as my leg bobs beneath me. When I'm about to blame my phone connection and throw it out of the window, the text comes in.

Alex: We're not. Come round to mine at two and we'll deal with it.

Texting back a sounds good, I blow out a breath of relief. At least she replied, I was having images of her not replying and then ignoring me forever. I don't think could handle that. But, what if I have to anyway? This is it, I'm going to have to get used to spending my days without her.

The car draws up at my apartment and the tension slowly drains out of my body as the realisation hits that I don't have to do anymore press stuff.

"I'll be back at half one." Mr Walden calls as I step out of the car.

"Great, thank you." I say before looking up.

My breathing hitches as I take in the paparazzi outside of my apartment. There's a moment of silence as everyone digests what's happening. Then, as if suddenly un-paused, they spring into action and start firing questions.

"Have you seen Alex?"

"Are you and Alexandria Woods a couple?"

"Are you taken?"

"How long has the romance been going on for?"

"Theo! We need answers!"

"Over here, Theodore! Over here!"

I ignore them all as usual but I have to remind myself to breathe at a couple of their questions, my anger coming back at full force. I want to respond, I really do. But all that would happen would be me saying no, we're not in a relationship because apparently we had no future and coming out to the public would end our relationship. Thanks for hanging around, guys.

Taking steadying deep breaths, I shut my eyes once I'm inside. Finally making it to my apartment, I shut the door with finality, glad to be by myself again. But the relief is momentary and in five seconds, I wish I had people around me again.

The couch where we sat together and cuddled is screaming my name. The counter top she would sit on is screeching. The bedroom where would spend all of our nights together is wailing. Her bag that still sits on the coffee table is pure agony to my heart.

But so were her words last night. They all hurt more than the memories of furniture.

As my conflicting emotions continue to battle, I attempt to ignore them as I head into the kitchen. However, as soon as I open the cupboard for food, the crisps that she bought me when I was hungover still lie there. The tears that have been on stand-by the whole day are also still there and as soon as I see that trace of her and what once was our relationship, they leak out slowly.

Clenching my jaw, place both of my hands on the counter and hang my hand down, my body deflating as emotions pour out of it. I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the tears, annoyed at myself for getting myself so worked up.

Collecting myself a couple of minutes later, I abandon the hunt for food and go and sit on an arm chair instead, avoiding the sofa. I turn the TV on in hopes of distraction but the first channel that comes on is a celebrity news channel that's talking about Alex and I. I turn the TV off, unable to look at photos together.

So, in an apartment that was once my sanctuary and place of happiness, I sit alone in silence.

~~~~~

The next few hours drag on but eventually, half one arrives and I make my way downstairs. Hopping into Mr Walden's car, he already knows where to go and he car starts the journey without me having to say anything. The sleek car is cool around me, the breeze of air conditioning freezing against my clammy body. Nerves are rocketing around me, making my stomach twist.

I haven't fully forgiven her, has she forgiven me? Is she even going to talk to me? For all I know, she could send Clara to do the job for her and talk about what Alex wants. The cynical thoughts cause me to run my hands down my black jeans, trying to swipe off the clamminess.

Mr Walden uses every secret road and short-cut we've found over the past couple of months to make our arrival inconspicuous. I'm grateful for it and once we're at Alex's building, I manage to slip in unscathed - my black jeans and navy t-shirt blending me in.

Once inside, I receive a couple of glances from people, but I ignore them all and make my to Alex's apartment, the route memorised like the back of my hand after doing it for so long. The only exception is that when I usually walk down the corridor towards her door, I feel happy that I'm about to see her - this time all I feel is dread and foreboding.

Reaching her door, I knock and wait in the palpable silence. I hear the footsteps, the rattling of keys, the turn of the lock.

There's no going back now, I remind myself. This is it, I have to sit in a room with Alex until we sort the media stuff out. It could take hours. Or seconds. I hoping for the latter because I don't think either of us can stay near each other for very long before our old argument sparks back to life.

The door glides open and beside it, Alex stands looking more downcast than I've ever seen her. Standing wearing the jeans she knows drives me crazy and a red t-shirt that hands off her, she looks tiny and fragile. But, Alex isn't one to admit defeat so she look up at me with steely eyes, a silent threat pouring out of them. 

It hurts seeing her like this. Defensive against me. Seeing her there when half of my body wants to shout at her and call her out on how stupid she's being and how this is unfair on me. But, the other half wants to take her in my arms and remind her how much I love her. At an impasse, I settle for feeling no emotions at all - making all of my thinking business related instead of letting emotions rule me.

Nobody speaks, the silence continues as our emotions fill the space. Alex is the first one to break the silence as she whispers, "Come in."

I nod and step inside, making my way to the living room and sitting down on the sofa, Alex copies me but sits on an arm chair. Opposite from each other, I keep my eyes on the coffee table as I keep myself calm, not letting myself think of the fight. Finally composed once again, I look up to see Alex staring out of the window, her body turned away from mine.

"So, we just need to come up with an excuse basically. My publicist says to shoot down the rumors individually, like a list or something in our statement." I say, sticking to the subject I'm here for, we can't afford for this conversation to go wary.

"A list?" Alex scoffs, "I don't think that'll work."

Just like that, the anger flickers back up. Shocking me with how powerful it is, it's claws sink into my chest as I take a deep breath.

"Okay, what then?" I ask, my tone disparaging.

"I don't know, Theo. What if we do a live-stream, I mean we've got enough tension for it." She says, and despite her words and suggestions, her tone is ice cold.

I look up to see her turn around quickly again, evidence of her moving emphasized by her hair coming to land on her shoulders. Realizing we're in the same boat of hatred here, I sigh and run a hand through my hair.

"I don't think that'll work. We have to pass as friends and right now, I don't think we could convince them. I know I couldn't. Why don't we just go with the list."

Alex turns around and faces me for the first time since coming inside, her blue eyes challenging mine to look away. I don't obey and instead, I keep the eye contract, daring for her to drag this whole process out longer.

Alex rolls her eyes when she realizes that her tactics aren't going to work. "Fine, whatever. Let's just do a list."

The relief begins to push out the angers claws, cooling me with a cold sensation for the first time in twenty-four hours. Before now it's all been red, hot anger.

"I'll get my publicist to draw up one that we can probably both just send out, if you want."

"Yeah, e-mail it." Alex agrees.

"Sure." I reply, averting my eyes to the ground as I stand up, awkwardness suffocating this situation more and more. I have to get out of here.

Alex stands up too, her manners never waver, and she walks behind me as I make my way to the door. Reaching it, I open it up and turn around to see Alex staring at her kitchen, facing away from me yet again.

"Bye." I say, walking out of the door, not letting myself turn around - no matter how much pain it causes.

I hear a faint bye as I shut the door behind me. Instead of Alex walking out of our fight, it's me this time and my footsteps trail down the hallway slowly, my emotions weighing me down. I realise that this is the first time I've left without a smile on my face. Without a kiss good-bye. Without plans for the next time I would be around and what time our evening phone call would be.

I'm left without all of it.

Once again, my body battles with my anger and love for her. Sighing, I shake off all of the emotions and paint a blank expression across my face as I make my way out of the building and into the bustling city of New York.

Alone.

~~~~~
Author's Note:

Our poor, poor Alex and Theo! What's happened to them?!

What did you think about this chapter? How about Theo's conflicting emotions, do you agree with them?

PLUS, we're not over yet! The next chapter is up on Inkitt right now and I think you'll really enjoy it :)

All you have to do is click the link in my bio and follow the instructions! From there you'll get the next chapter for FREE!

I hope you've all had a wonderful, fun week! I've had family visiting so you can imagine the food we ate :)  If you got up to anything exciting, let me know!

Much love,

Jade x