-14- My heart my fear

ZHAN'S POV

As I slowly awoke from my deep sleep, I felt the warmth under my body that had become so familiar to me in the past nights. Ever since our first night here, when Yibo, while deeply asleep, pulled me onto his body, pressed me very tightly to himself and murmured: "ZhanZhan, please don't go. Don't leave me alone." knew I the shape of his body and his warmth.

And although it was he who laid me on top of him in his deep sleep, I pretended to have rolled onto him in my sleep and cuddled up. Of course I could have told him the truth, but I didn't want to. Because even though it was his doing, I still liked it very much.

There's something about Yibo that I can't escape. No matter how hard I try not to get emotionally involved with him. One look from him is enough and my heart beats higher than the Mount Everest is. But at the same time it scares me.

Because if someone is able to give me such an emotional high, the same person can take you emotionally to the deepest place in the sea without the chance of ever seeing the daylight again.

And that's what I'm afraid of. Of course I am very worried about my career, what if it came out that I like men? What if they found out that my heart beats faster for Yibo?

My career, which I fought so hard for, even had to fight against my family, would be over, from one moment to the next everything would be gone.

And just suppose I did let Yibo take me. I mean a real relationship, we wouldn't even have time to talk on the phone. And even if we could see each other, we could never date like a normal couple.

Not with our background and not in this country. Basically, everything speaks against us. Except our hearts, our dreams, our desires.

Even when I saw Yibo on stage at the first show, my heart beat faster for him.

I always wondered when the first time would be when I would fall in love. Well, I would say it was that night at the competition show. I just never thought I'd fall for someone like Yibo.

Somehow I'd known I was gay my whole life. I never cared about girls. The only thing I was missing at the time was the proof that it was real. And there he was, or rather, suddenly sitting facing me and fixing me with his eyes. Wang Yibo!

And then two things happened. I was happy that I fell in love for the first time and then also in love with someone who is so handsome and talented. I was excited like never before in my life and would have loved to introduce myself to him personally.

Peng Chuyue, a member of my music group kicked his elbow into my ribs, grinned and said: "I think you have more than one chance with him. He doesn't let you out of his sight." I said nothing about it and tried to ignore his word.

And then this happened. I looked backstage and saw my manager. And just looking at her had been enough to remind me of what she said before we came here. "Don't start anything with anybody there. It can only be detrimental to your idol career."

I don't know if she had noticed my look at Yibo or if I was just imagining it, but she sparkled at me angrily and shook her head. As if she could read my mind.

The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. I had a high fever the whole day before and in the evening just before the show ended, it really broke out and I didn't even notice the end of the show. Anyway, I don't remember.

When I opened my eyes, I saw him, Wang Yibo! I tried not to let it show how nervous I was and kept in mind what my manager said. "Even if you don't get caught, everyone leaves after the show and you're left with broken hearts."

Therefore I also rejected his question about friendship. How can I be friends with someone whom I would most like to kiss right away? And then leave me when the competition is over?

But I didn't have much time to think about it anyway. My manager came with Gu Jiacheng to pick me up. And Yibo was picked up by someone from his group.

My manager sent Gu Jiacheng to collect my medicine and pay the hospital bill, and as soon as he left the room, she gave me a sinister look and grabbed me by the collar of my hospital nightgown.

"I'll tell you the whole thing only once. Stay out of trouble! Remember why we are here. Forget that Wang Yibo and concentrate on your career. And remember, if you make a mistake and this gets out, not only your career is in danger, but your whole group's."

She let go of my collar again and said, "As long as I'm your manager, I won't let you get involved with anyone who's a male and our biggest rival in this competition."

I didn't say anything and avoided her look. She wasn't the friendly woman so many thought she was. At least not to me. She treated me harsher and rarely had a word of praise for me. I don't know why she hates me so much, but I know that if I don't do what she says, she will kick me out of the group without batting an eyelid.

In the evening I saw Yibo again and we got into a little dispute because I drank alcohol despite medication. Well, at least he assumed it. But I had non-alcoholic beer. However, I did not tell him about it and even made fun of pretending to be drunk.

I also admit that my group and I had an agreement. They told me to pretend to be drunk and see what Wang Yibo was doing. They knew that I fell head over heels in love with him and wanted me not to let my fears stop me from perhaps finding my love happiness.

When Yibo wanted to go back to the hotel, they pushed me to him and asked him to take me with him. I played the drunk one really well. And when Yibo came to me with his bet, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to find out if Yibo is also into men.

He demanded a kiss from me if he won. Inside, I was all excited, but outside I remained cool. I was drunk, after all. Cough.

Of course I lost my bet, because even a drunk Yibo is still a strong Yibo. Just as I suspected. Even though he is a few centimeters smaller than me, I knew that he is much stronger than I will ever be.

In my hotel room, he demanded that I pay off my betting debts. I didn't think he was in such a hurry to do so. But I gave in and gave him a little peck on the mouth, but it was not enough for him. Suddenly he took the lead and kissed me.

It felt like a dream and the question whether Yibo is into men or not was completely unnecessary for me. And the longer that kiss lasted, the wilder and more demanding it became.

When his manager called, I realized what almost could have happened. And I wasn't ready for it. I got into bed and pretended to be asleep. Yibo came back to my bed and cursed on his manager. But then before he left, he bent down to me and kissed my forehead and whispered very softly, "I love you ZhanZhan." Then he left and my heart almost bubbled over with happiness.

It was the first time anyone had said this to me and suddenly I felt as if I had been torn in half. Between my career that I worked hard for and my feelings for Yibo. And still I feel torn between them.

And yet whenever I look at Yibo, my heart beats faster and wants to be with him. I want to use the time he and I have and I know I will end up in the abyss, in the depths of the sea, when he leaves me back. But I cannot resist him.