-30- Lost in thought

ZHAN'S POV

The show starts in a few hours and we are just on our way to the TV studio. Yibo is sitting with his group and they are discussing again their two performances for the evening and I am lost in my thoughts.

Now that the finale is almost within reach, it's hard to get Yibo off his mind when he and I are alone. Which unfortunately happens very rarely. During the whole week we were only alone for three hours on Wednesday and only because nobody else wanted to go to the cinema with us.

And even in this time, Yibo was with his head most of the time at the competition. Well, actually, we could all pack our bags, go home and declare Uniq the winner right away.

And I'm not even being sarcastic about that. It's more than obvious that Uniq is better than all the other five groups. They dance like hell and the singing is good too.

Yibo was right. They are winners and I already know that they will win this competition.

And I think it will be hard for my group to get into the final. Of course we are good, we have improved a lot, but the same goes for the other groups. Yibo said to me, surely the fans who want to see him and me as a couple will call for XNINE, just so I can get further and reach the final with my group.

But somehow it would also be stupid if we only got further because of Yibo and not because of our talent.

We train hard and want people to acknowledge that.

I wish Yibo and I had a little more time together. Just a little more before we have to say goodbye. Yes, goodbye.

Yesterday when I was alone in my room and lying in my bed trying to fall asleep, a scary thought came to my mind when I thought about the end of the competition and me and Yibo.

I thought, maybe it's good that he and I have so little time for each other now. Because the final is soon and then he will leave. Maybe this is a little preparation for the time when he is away and we can't see each other. So that maybe we can get used to not having each other around anymore.

I know that Yibo firmly believes that he and I can stay as a couple and make it as a couple, even if we can't see each other very often. He firmly believes that we will find a solution.

But I am less convinced and try to be realistic. Because when he goes back to Korea, I will be here in China. And then the normal madness starts again.

Our groups will have training, performances, video and photo recordings, show appointments, the sound studio and other appointments. We will be very busy and have no time for anything else.

And that's why I think when Yibo is back in Korea, we will split up after a few weeks or at the latest a few months. Because let's be honest, with all these commitments, how are we going to find the time to talk?

How are we going to find the time for a simple phone call? When should we be able to see each other? Once every few months? I have every right to doubt. But I am also very scared.

I'm afraid I'll go under if I don't start to isolate myself emotionally from Yibo. Concentrate on myself and my problems again and gradually banish Yibo from my heart.

Even though I don't want all this. I want to be with him, I want to have a relationship with him. I do not want to give up my love for him. But what are the chances that he and I can manage it?

I wish I could wake up in the morning and have a solution for Yibo and me and my problems or worries. But unfortunately something like this only works on TV.

In series where you never see anybody working and yet they always have money. You never see any of them shopping and yet the fridge is always full. And when they have problems, miraculously the solutions come in their sleep or others help them.

If my life were a series, a book or a film, I wouldn't need to worry. Because then everything would somehow come together.

But like this? This is how I have to worry myself. So I can just look at Yibo and ask myself, what the hell can I do so that he and I can stay together?

How the fuck do I get my parents to forget the agreement? How do I finally get the forgotten years of my childhood back? And when should I tell Yibo my biggest secret? Do I have to? And if so, how?

Inside I am desperate and try to find solutions that will help Yibo and me. I would like to talk to him about it, but like he said, he is obsessed with winning and in the competition mode. He has no head for other things.

Our short bus ride is over and we have reached the TV studio. I pick up my bag and walk past Yibo and his roaring friends. They are very excited and just putting themselves in the mood.

I walk towards the door of the studio and open it. Once again I turn around to the bus and Yibo, but he is completely in his mode and doesn't even see me. I wonder if he has noticed that we haven't spoken a word to each other today?

I'm really jealous of the ability to turn off everything around you and fixate on something so that there's nothing that can stop you.

When I arrive in our room, I am handed my cell phone. Our manager took it off at the beginning of the week because she thought we were spending too much time on our cell phones.

She told us we could have our cell phones now and call our friends and families to mobilize them to watch the show and vote for us.

I scroll up and down my contact list and know that it would be silly to call my family. My parents don't watch the show, they often work until late in their labs and my sister is surely with her boyfriend.

They are not interested in my music and call it more a hobby. And if I call my parents now, they will only tell me again that I should go back to my studies and finish my break, so that I can become something reasonable.

Besides, they would also remind me of the agreement again and I am even less in the mood for that. Not now and not in the next few weeks. At least until the end of the competition I don't want to hear anything more about the agreement.

At least for a few more weeks I want to have some distance from all these problems and then I'm hopefully ready to face all this. Just not today.