CHAPTER 9: Outside, Inside

People are hard to understand.

They do not wake up early despite the fear of being late. They still put their wallets in their back pockets, knowing well it's an easy money for the snatchers in a crowded place. Truth to be told, the fifteen year-old could not understand himself either.

For the past few days, he had no idea why he kept coming back to the train station after sun rise, after sleeping in a cold, hard surface of cardboard between a dark, lonely alleyway. Had he been waiting for his father to come back and apologize for making him wait for so long? Had he been waiting for his mother to magically reappear and comfort him?

Jungkook had no idea why he's just sitting on a bench, letting judgmental gazes pierce through him as he stare at the scratched tiled floor. Had it been two days? He hasn't been eating for two days. Jungkook lifted his gaze after an hour. The sight of the dirtied, boring wall welcome him. Only few meters way, behind that wall, the railway goes. Without a ticket, it would only take him few minutes if he would run fast enough to trespass the guards and jump-

A big, fat wallet caught his eyes.

Sticking out of the pocket of a clueless man, the piece of leather seemed like it had been mocking, luring him to grab and set it free. With lack of experience, his palms got so hot and sweaty. Jungkook was suddenly reminded by his mother, her lessons, and sweet smile, telling him to endure it, that there are other ways to live, that this shouldn't be it.

But the cry of his stomach takes it all.

En route, it was like he was hypnotized. He followed the man who is walking slowly in his favor. Jungkook must have been obvious to other people, but it wasn't their problem, so they wouldn't bother stopping the young man.

One step behind, he's about to grab the wallet, so close.

But somebody grabbed his wrist instead.

"What are you doing?" Asked the not-anymore clueless man, scanning Jeongguk from his head to toe. The man looked younger than Jeongguk thought. If he wasn't wearing some kind of an old fisherman jacket, Jeongguk could have guessed that the latter was a college student or a fresh graduate.

But Jeongguk was scared. Oh boy. He was indeed scared. His heart skipped a beat and his initial thought was to yank his arm with all might and run for his life.

But on his second thought.

If he gets arrested then and there, then the man would get him to a police station. There, he could get a place to nap on, and perhaps with a little more luck, something to eat. If he runs, then he would be just wasting his effort and energy. This whole thing is lick a ticket for him to have some sleep and to have something to satisfy his ulcer-prone stomach.

That's it. He should comply.

But... the man let go of his wrist, turns around, and walks away.

Just like that. Confusion creased Jeongguk's forehead. "W-what are you doing?" The young boy asked, contorting his face in confusion.

"You're free, kid." He heard the man snickered. "No need to thank me."

"You should report me!" Exclaimed the young boy, following the man. "I was stealing your wallet."

"I know that, dipshit."

Jeongguk kept on following the man. This can't be it. Jeongguk can't lose the chance to eat.

"Why won't you report me?" Jeongguk pestered once more, and he could totally hear the annoyance from the latter's sigh. "You should report me! I might steal other people's wallet, you know—"

"Listen here, you airhead." The man cuts him off, halting their footsteps. The man turns around and Jeongguk tries not to cower under his piercing gaze. Jeongguk even lifts his chin up and put his chest out to somehow match the undeniably wide shoulders of the latter (which was an automatically failed attempt). "Y'think the police would take care of a minor like you who looks like a runaway delinquent. Orphanage? I don't think you would want to live there if I were you, so why don't you go back home and enjoy your fucking youth while it lasts?" The man clicked his tongue, taking another glaring look at the young man before turning his heels again.

Runaway. Orphanage. Fucking youth.

"Hey, old man."

The latter is stunned once again.

"Old man? Who are you calling—"

"Why do older folks love to take away hope from younger people then wonder why the world is fucked up?"

The man's gaze subtly softened.

"How old are you, kid?"

"Fifteen."

"Damn... what happened to you to think like that already." The man glanced sideways and sighed. He thinks for a moment, looking at the kid with pity in his eyes that Jeongguk started to hate. "I won't give you money, but I'll treat you some ramen, how's that?"

That's how Jeongguk met twenty-one year-old Kim Seokjin. It turns out that the wallet Jeongguk was trying to steal back then was also stolen from another pickpocket, hence Seokjin couldn't report him to the police. He has a younger brother, twenty year-old Kim Namjoon, who steals cellphones from other thieves and fix it and sell it to the black market. Their parents both died in a car crash, one summer before they went to senior high school. Abandoned by their other relatives because they are old enough to live on their own, and with unpaid mortgage they inherited, they became homeless, leading them to have some kind of jobs.

Seokjin strongly opposed the idea of making Jeongguk join the team, but soft-hearted Namjoon couldn't let the boy die in the streets.

They started off from stealing from their fellow thieves. They frequently changed their hairstyles, clothing, and places so that newly formed enemies would not get them. Going after the same routine can be so tiring, so Namjoon innovated some new ideas to earn money.

To con unlikable people.

Then Min Yoongi joins them and that's another story.

If it wasn't for his hyungs, Jeongguk could have died back then, though nobody ever told him that before.

Little did Jeongguk know that he would hear such thing from a doctor, not a conman. A real doctor.

"You could have died." Says the doctor after pulling Jeongguk out of a big, weird-looking doughnut (they call it a CT scan). Now they are all seated inside the office. The doctor sighed while looking at some papers.

Being the only health center between few towns, it's no surprise for Jeongguk that this hospital is going to be added on his hate list. They had to wait for two hours in line to get into the doctor's office.

Then the doctor looks up, his eyes darting from Jeongguk to Jisun.

"Next time, when someone got hit on his head hard enough to faint, go to the hospital right away and get treated." The doctor nags, his voice stern, looking through his eyeglasses as if his gaze could cut through. "Just go. Don't think about saving money first."

Right. Jeongguk almost laughed at that, how dare people think about money when everything has to be paid with price—

"Things might look good on the outside, but it's not always the same inside."

Things quiet down in Jeongguk's mind after hearing that.

The original plan was to steal money from Jisun and leave quietly at night before she brings him to a hospital, but that obviously failed, because Jisun has many part-time jobs and it didn't take long for her to save up for this cheap hospital. Jeongguk should have acted fast.

"We didn't spot any brain damage, thankfully . . ." As the doctor continues to talk about it being just a bump on his head and etc., Jeongguk finds himself looking at Jisun who is sitting beside him, listening. How would Jisun react if she finds out that the innocent amnesiac pretty man is just all Jeongguk's facade? What would happen if she finds out that she's been wasting time and money to a man who is just ugly inside—  "Retrograde amnesia can be a purely psychological response to a trauma caused by violence."

"Violence." Jeongguk came around as Jisun repeated the doctor's word, snapping Jeongguk from stupor. Jeongguk brought his eyes back to the professional in front of them before Jisun could notice he was looking at her. "Are you saying that Taehyung is the cause of his a—" Jisun pauses as she bit her bottom lip. She's too late to stop herself from asking. "—amnesia?"

The doctor raised an eyebrow, pushing his eyeglasses up his nose. He leaned closer, putting his hands on the table as his fingers held together. It was evident that this aroused his interest.

"I won't question who Taehyung is, but he must have done something bad to have this young man forget his memories."

"But—" Jisun cuts herself again, turning to look at Jeongguk with apologetic eyes. It's clear to her face that there is hesitance in her words.

"Yes, Ms. Park?" The doctor encourages, his eyes looking back and forth between the two before it lands solely on Jisun again.

"He . . ." Jisun is having a hard time saying it. Jeongguk could see it in the way she fidgets her fingers on her lap. Jeongguk's eyes travelled up to catch her gaze once again. She's trying to say something, but he couldn't grasp it. Is she still trying to apologize? Her glance only flickered back to the doctor when they heard him cough, realizing that they were staring at each other for too long. "H-he can remember his encounter with Taehyung though, why is that?"

Jisun looks troubled. She is quite sorry for what happened to Jeongguk, but Taehyung must be a really important person for her to defend that guy in any way. Seems like she's afraid that Taehyung would be put to jail or something. Regardless, they all know she made a point.

"Is that true?" The doctor asks Jeongguk, catching the brunette off guard. Jeongguk just realized that he is also a part of the conversation too.

"Yes, doctor."

"What do you recall?"

Right. Jeongguk is a conman, and he has been one since fifteen. There's no reason for him to feel bad, this is just the way he is now.

He pretends to think for a moment - he already knows what to say since the beginning — before answering. "I was trekking. I can't remember why, but I was looking for a shelter until I stumbled upon Taehyung's door. He thought I was a thief or some sort, so he . . ." Jeongguk mimics what Taehyung did. Jeongguk swings an invisible bat in the air, four eyes awkwardly following his movements, then he points his head. "Then I passed out."

"Is that the first thing you remember when you woke up?"

Jeongguk nods. "Yes."

The doctor tilts his head. "Hm . . . " He hums as he thinks about it. "There's a chance that there was another violence that took place before you met the said person." He says, "But don't fret nevertheless. I can assure you that there is a very gradual recovery."

And just as easy as that.

Jeongguk now has an official retrograde amnesia.

After receiving prescription and some tips (like avoiding distress because emotionally distressing experience reduces the likelihood to remember right away), it's time to pay the bill. Jeongguk found himself leaning against the counter as Jisun beside him pays the cashier— wasting her money.

Jeongguk sighs.

He is used to using people for his own benefit and fun, but why is he feeling uneasy now?

Is he feeling guilty?

Bullshit.

He's a conman. He shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt for lying. If he hadn't done this check up, it would only blow his cover.

Maybe the hospital itself is the one that's making him uncomfortable.

Jeon Jeongguk hates hospitals.

Not only it's a waste of money (Seokjin can heal their wounds all by himself), it's annoying.

The ambiance and everything, he hates it. It's always packed with sick individuals, stressed out nurses, and doctors who will give you a hard time buying medicines because you can't read their prescriptions properly. Everything smells like alcohol too- not the one that makes him horny.

And it always reminds him of his mother.

Seven year-old Jeon Jeongguk first discovered the word 'hospital' in television. He had liked it at first. He thought everything about it was cool. He found it amusing how the nurses and doctors save the leading men's life. It was really amazing to see how they patch up the wounds of the protagonist.

Jeongguk's mother was once a protagonist in his life.

But she never went to the hospital.

She was bleeding too, but no matter how hard Jeongguk begged her to go, she always say no.

"It will heal eventually." She said as she forced herself to smile. She was the one who got hurt, but Jeongguk was the one who is crying. She was the one who needs comfort, but she was the one who is caressing her son's cheeks, wiping his tears away.

It will heal eventually, she said.

But she went away before it does.

Jeongguk hates hospitals, but he hates himself more.

It will heal eventually. It will heal eventually. It will heal eventual-

"JK, are you okay?"

His lashes swept up and he blinked. He hadn't realized he was staring at the floor thoughtlessly.

"JK?" Jisun is suddenly standing in front of him, anchoring her attention on his eyes, assessing him. "Are you crying?"

"No." Jeongguk answered immediately, grimacing as he glanced sideways. He blinks again, ignoring the hurt in his eyes. "I just caught dirt."

Crying is childish, he thinks.

But Jisun is not convinced. She held his face between her hands and made him focus on her again. "Don't lie. You looked troubled." She says. Her thumbs that are pressed against his cheeks softly caressed his skin. "Didn't you hear what the doctor said? Your memories will go back. I'll help you, so don't be sad."

Then she smiles.

Even though it's weak— even though it didn't reach her eyes, her smile still managed to poke needle in his heart.

She's unbelievable.

How can a person be this good?

If she can read the sadness in his eyes, then why can't she read the lies in it too? Why can't she see that she's being dumb— that Jeongguk is making her dumb?

There's the guilt again.

Why the fuck is she making his mission difficult?

Slowly, Jeongguk reaches for her hands and brings them down.

Then silence engulfed the both of them.

And pity.

Jeongguk stares at her quietly, and the more he does that, the more he realizes things.

Pity still disgusts him.

And Taehyung did say Jisun only smiles at her grandma, so what if she's smiling right now out of pity? Or guilt? Because her bestfriend caused him the so-called amnesia?

Jeongguk doesn't need affection from anyone, especially from a stranger—

"Excuse me, ma'am, sir." A sweet voice from a nurse interrupted his thoughts, "You're blocking the cashier." She said after lightly tapping his shoulder.

Jisun and Jeongguk bowed their heads to apologize, moving themselves aside to stand again awkwardly.

"What are we still doing here?" Asks Jisun, laughing humorlessly. "Let's go home."

Home.

What a silly word.

"Do you know a cheap rental place?"

Jisun's eyes instantly retraced their path to him after hearing his question. "Well, Aunt Choi has one and it's close to my place. She has a two-storey building, which has two separate houses—" Jisun talks about how the upper one is smaller and currently vacant because Aunt Choi's eldest child moved to Seoul for work, and when she said smaller, she meant it's really small like a small garage that's why no one bothers to rent it— "—Wait, why are you asking?" Her brows knitted in confusion.

"Well, I don't want to burden you any further." What Jeongguk actually wants to say is 'You're being so affectionate that it's making me uncomfortable and I don't like it because being attached to a person would only slow me down'.

"That's great but I don't think being alone will help you recover fast."

"It's just that I can't help but become uncomfortable to be a burden."

"I never said you were."

"But that's what I feel. It distresses me." He puts a stress to the word 'distress', hoping Jisun to notice that.

"Oh." Jisun opens and closes her mouth, unsure of what to say. "That's bad." Jeongguk had to stop himself from smiling in victory. "Well, the rent is cheap, but it's not only the rent you need to pay, you need to have food and clothes and many other things."

"Which is why I'm going to ask you to help me sell this."

Jisun is a bit taken aback as if it was the stupidest idea.

"No way." That's what she said when Jeongguk points his Rolex. "You're going to sell that?"

Jeongguk nods. He can easily get millions of won with this. Enough for him to be own his own for a while, then steal later.

He didn't bought it with his money anyway. It was a gift from Namjoon. Though Namjoon did say that he would chop Jeongguk's hand off if he ever lost it.

But it's just a watch, right? Nothing serious.

"Are you sure?"

Jeongguk nods again.

He would do everything just to avoid attachments.

"Fine. Let's find a pawn shop."

A/N im not a professional about amnesia, i relied on google so please correct me if there's wrong