Gladys came to consciousness with the emotional grace of a raccoon in a blender.

Her mouth was dry, her cheeks were sticky with the salt of Crisis Core tears, and her arms were tangled in what she swore was her Zack Fair body pillow five seconds ago. But now...?

Now, she was staring at a cracked ceiling. It smelled like sweat, gun oil, and way-too-much testosterone.

She sat up slowly. Her limbs felt weird. Lighter? Stronger?

"...Am I dreaming?" she mumbled, rubbing her eyes. "Did I cry myself into another AU again?"

DING!

[SYSTEM ONLINE]
Welcome, Recruit Gladys!
You have successfully logged into Fangirl Final Fantasy VII: Plot Armor Edition.
Difficulty: Unstable Fangirl Energy (Recommended)
Primary Objective: Save them. All of them.
Passive Buff: [Plot Armor Aura]
Newbie Bonus: +1 Stealth Snack Slot, +1 Trauma Detection Skill, +10 Materia Hoarding Capacity

Gladys blinked.

Blink.

Blink.

"...WHAT THE FUUUUUU—"

The bunk room door slammed open.

"Recruit!" a man barked—his buzzcut and sunglasses screamed NPC tutorial instructor. "You're late for your first combat drill!"

Gladys, still in her tiny-ass SOLDIER uniform that was riding way too high on her thighs: "I–I have so many questions—"

"No time. MOVE."

Cut to: Training Field – Hell Hour 1

Gladys was gasping, sweating, dragging her Buster Sword lookalike training blade like it was a comically large spoon. Her body was stronger than her real one, sure, but it was not SOLDIER strong. Her muscles screamed. Her soul screamed louder.

Across the field, she spotted them.

The SOLDIER Trio.

Angeal, majestic and morally upright.

Genesis, quoting poetry at a training dummy and looking suspiciously kissable.

Sephiroth, radiating "I will not be emotionally available to you" energy like a cursed sun.

Gladys froze. Her breath caught. Her entire fangirl life flashed before her eyes.

"...Holy shit, they're real."

She took a step forward.

Then another.

And then she promptly tripped over her own sword, face-planting into the dirt like God said "humble yourself."

"...Is she okay?" Angeal asked, concerned, watching a gremlin-sized recruit scramble to her feet with blood on her lip and stars in her eyes.

"She's new," the instructor grunted. "Been babbling about fate and fanfiction since she woke up."

Genesis, frowning: "She asked if I wanted muffins and a hug earlier. I think she's dangerous."

Sephiroth said nothing, but the way he side-eyed her like she was a glitch in the Matrix was noted.

Gladys, seeing her idols all watching her:

"Don't cry. Don't simp. Be cool. BE COOL—"

She saluted with the wrong hand and blurted, "DO ANY OF YOU NEED A WIFE?"

⸻

System Alert:

[Charisma check failed.
Genesis is alarmed.
Angeal is confused.
Sephiroth is mentally filing a restraining order.]
+1 Infamy
+10 EXP for Boldness