"I've gotten some reports from the nurses," Dr. Lombardi says on Monday during our daily session. "They've said that you seemed out of sorts all weekend. Is that true?"

I just nod.

"What's going on with you, Ana?" She wonders with a concerned frown.

"It's nothing," I sigh, leaning back in my chair. "I'm fine, really."

"You're fine?" She repeats. I don't want her to worry too much about my mood because I don't want her to think that she has to extend my stay for even longer than it is now because I know that what had happened with Niles a few days ago will make me sad for a little while but it won't hurt my recovery but I also know that Dr. Lombardi won't see it that way. "I thought that we've done a lot of improvement on the honesty front."

"I'm basically Honest Abe," I assure her with a forced smile.

"Ana, what's going on?" She probes curiously as she scribbles something on the notepad.

With a long sigh, I decide that I shouldn't let this debacle with Niles ruin the progress that I've made including my honesty both with the people around me and with myself so I should tell her about what happened. "I guess I kind of had a falling out with Niles. I'm not sure if it could be called that or not but we're apparently not friends anymore so that sucks and I'm kind of bummed about it."

"Did you have a fight?" She wonders.

"Yeah, I guess, but it was a lot more complicated," I shrug. "I don't know but I'm fine. I'm totally fine. I mean, I just lost one of the best friends that I've ever had but that's obviously no big deal- that happens to everybody."

"It's okay to be sad about things, Ana," She assures me. "Ignoring basic human emotions isn't part of the recovery process. It's okay to feel sad, angry, hurt. There is a difference between sadness and depression and the important part of this is that you recognize if you feel sad or depressed and realize how to deal with them as separate feelings."

"Right, I got it," I nod.

"So it isn't a problem right now but it'll become a problem when you feel like you can't get out of bed or you are always feeling tired," She reminds me as if I don't know the symptoms of depression- I've been through that conversation probably over a hundred times with my various therapists. "And if it seems to go that far or it looks like it might feel like it is going in that direction, then that's when we'll address it as a serious problem."

"I'm not depressed about it," I tell her with a positivity in my voice. "I'm sad about it but I'm not depressed, I promise. I'm totally fine."

"Okay, well would you like to say anything more about what happened with Niles?"

I shake my head. "There's not much to talk about that I haven't talked about before. It's the same argument that I had with all of my old friends. He's afraid that he'll do the wrong thing and then I'll try to hurt myself again. It's too much pressure for most people to deal with and I get it. It's just sad a little bit."

"It's understandable for people to feel that way when it's hard for them to understand what's going on. Was this decision just out of the blue for Niles or did something happen?" Dr. Lombardi continues to ask questions which today, seems incredibly annoying. That sounds really silly though considering it's her job to ask me questions but I just don't feel like answering her questions right now. I don't want to think about Niles at all right now and the miserable weekend that I've had.

"I don't know, something might have happened at the dance that made him start having second thoughts about our friendship but I'm not sure what it was," I explain to her. "How much time do we have left today?"

"Just a few more minutes now," She tells me. "I'm going to let you out early today because I'm sure that you just want your time to be alone right now and that's alright. Like I said, it's okay to be sad for a little while it's just important to realize when the sadness is getting too intense. Right now, we have nothing to worry about."

"Have I ever told you that you're like, the best therapist that I've ever had?" I wonder with a wide smile.

"No, but I appreciate the compliment," Dr. Lombardi tells me with a small laugh as she writes something else down on her notepad and I wonder what she could possibly be writing but I don't bother thinking about it much because I know that I'll never know. "Anyway, just one more thing to think about before you leave- Does Niles take away any of the reasons to live that are on your list?"

I try to think about her question and run through my list of things that have to do with Niles.

"Don't answer me right now," She says quickly. "Just spend some time thinking about it before tomorrow at our next session and I'll see you then, Ana."

I nod in agreement and then stand up from the chair. "Okay, see you then."

When I leave her office, I start to go towards the common area where I know that Mia and Renée are watching a movie with a bunch of other patients. However, as I'm walking down the hallway and I pass the phone bank, I feel the urge in myself to call Niles. I know that I shouldn't do that though so I tell myself to just walk past it and go meet with my friends like I have planned to do.

But then I think about how I really hate how we left things. I was so angry and there was so much yelling and crying on my part that the whole night was such a nightmare. Now that I've had a few days to relive that argument/conversation over and over in my mind though, I realize now more than ever that he's only doing what I've told him to do so many times before. I'd told him from the beginning that he should just get out of my life before I take him down with me. I'd assured him that it was okay and that I understood. I wouldn't be mad if he didn't want to take that risk.

Now that I've had time to ponder everything, I realize that I shouldn't be so mad at Niles. Of course, I'm still extremely hurt that our friendship is over but I still really hate how our last words to each other weren't all that pleasant. Would it really hurt to call him just one last time to have a real goodbye conversation?

Well, he probably won't answer the phone, even if he hears it ringing, because he'll see that it's me that's calling so he'll just ignore it but I'll leave a message and hopefully, he'll listen to that. I just want to say a real goodbye. One without me trembling and soaked in both rain and tears, shivering like a sad puppy.

I walk over to the phones and I pick up the one that I always use, the one at the end near the wall. 

"What are you doing?" I hear Renée's voice at the other end of the phone bank as she looks at me with a confused frown.

"Just making a call," I tell her vaguely, not wanting a lecture or anything about how I shouldn't be calling Niles because I assume that that's what she'll do. I know that she is only being a good friend but she'll assume that I'm calling him to like, beg for our friendship back or something.

"Didn't you call home earlier this morning?" She wonders skeptically with raised eyebrows.

"Sure but now, I have to make another call," I explain to her, still trying to keep my answers as vague as possible.

"It'd be absolutely insane to assume that you're about to call Niles, right?" Renée asks me.

I nod and hang up the phone but I don't leave it, I just stand in front of it and listen to her soon-to-be-rant. "Ludacris."

"Ana," She says in a warning tone.

"It's honestly not what you think," I tell her with a slight roll of my eyes. "I'm not calling him to like, tell him that I 'can't live without him' or some crap like that."

"Then why are you calling him?" She continues to pry. "Because you know that I'm a better friend than to let you do that."

"I just want to say goodbye. Like, a real and dignified goodbye," I assure her. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Ana, forget about him. He's such a scummy jerk and you should just wait until he comes crawling back to you like the rodent he is and then that's when you should officially say goodbye," Renée says with a firm nod. "Women empowerment and whatnot."

"Niles isn't a rodent," I deny with a shake of my head. "He's still a good guy, he's just... realized that he's not cut out for dealing with this kind of intensity."

"What kind of intensity?" She wonders curiously.

"Our intensity," I say, motioning between me and her. "It's intense having to deal with somebody's craziness- especially when it's clinical. I get it. I don't particularly like it, but I still get it."

"Well, I don't," She huffs stubbornly. "If he wanted to bail, he should have done it way sooner. Before you guys got so incredibly close. But now, it's too late to just easy breezy scooch on out of your life like your friendship meant nothing. It's heartless."

With a small, slightly forced laugh, I lean against the wall beside the phone. "Renée, I'm moving on. I think you're more upset about the Niles thing than I am."

"Of course I'm more upset," She scoffs. "You're too noble to see how trashy he is. But I still think that you shouldn't call him."

"Okay well thank you for your opinion, Renée, I really appreciate that you care so much," I tell her genuinely. "But I'm still going to call him. Just this once, I'm not going to start stalking him or something, I just want to have a calm, honest goodbye and then that's is. Seriously, don't worry."

"Okay then," she sighs, flipping her blonde hair over one shoulder as she starts to walk away. "Don't say that I didn't warn you though."

"Sure," I chuckle as I turn to pick the phone back up to dial Niles' number for probably the last time ever. "I'll see you later, Renée."

After she's definitely gone, I finish dialing the number and put the phone to my ear. I honestly am kind of hoping that he doesn't answer the phone. I think having an actual conversation with him would be insanely awkward. I'd much rather just leave an awkward voicemail saying what I want to say and leave it at that.

I count the rings of the phone until it gets to six and then I let out a sigh of relief when the voicemail thing starts up. Although I'm a little annoyed that he ignored my call, I'm still very relieved.

When the phone beeps for me to start my message, I'm a little startled because I realize that I'm actually not too sure about what I want to say. However, that little beep kind of pushes words out of my mouth.

"Hi," I begin awkwardly. "I know that you don't want to talk to me and that's fine. I don't really want to talk to you either right now but I don't like the way that we left things. If you don't want to be friends with me anymore, that's fine, I'll respect that. I'm not going to keep calling all of the time. I just wanted to say goodbye. A better goodbye than the last one because that wasn't a good goodbye. So... uh, goodbye. I guess. I love you a lot and it'll make me sad that we can't be friends anymore but I get it. So I guess this is obviously it. The end. Right so anyway, I'll call you one more time. When I get out. Maybe you'll reconsider all of this when you see that I'm better but after that, I won't bother you again. So maybe I'll talk to you then? Okay, that's it. Goodbye."

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Song: That's What You Get by Paramore