June 22, 2010

For half the summer, Esmeray was subtly planning his demise.

Esmeray had been staying at the Salvatore Boarding House since the day she arrived in her rags, looking for clothes and a bath. She kept to herself, mostly, and hardly went into town. She remained shut up in her room whenever Elena, Jeremy, or Alaric was there, because she knew they didn't want to see her after what she'd done to Jenna. If she ever went out into the main area, it was either to clean or to talk to Damon and Andie, who were the only people she consistently saw.

In the hours she spent alone, she was thinking of all the ways that she could kill Klaus. Soon enough, Damon had realized what she was doing, and had recruited her to help him track the Original hybrid and his Ripper right-hand-man, Stefan. She performed spells and made charts, occasionally traveling to different places with Damon when Alaric couldn't go, to mark down what they found and tie it to Stefan. They were getting closer and she knew that she had to be ready to use all her power to at least incapacitate Klaus long enough for them to figure out how to properly kill him.

But every full moon, she had to take a break for a few days, because she was completely useless when she was in such pain. She'd go out to the quarry by herself before afternoon set in, and would remove her clothes, preparing another set to wear once she turned back. She'd spent the entire night transforming and screaming, then wake up two days later and get dressed before heading back to the house, where Damon would usually have some breakfast prepared for her.

"You don't have to do that," she'd told him quietly after the third full moon she experienced since she had woken up from the Sleeping Spell.

"It's mostly for me, don't think you're special," he said blandly, though in reality, he felt bad seeing her in such condition. He knew she was isolating herself because she'd been conditioned to think she was a danger to others. At least Tyler Lockwood's transformations happened pretty quickly now, meaning he got to enjoy roaming around as a wolf. He'd turn back into a human with ease, and Caroline would be waiting to come forward with clothes for him to wear.

She half-smiled. "Thank you," she said, shakily sitting down and devouring the plate he'd prepared for her.

Esmeray had thought that maybe she ought to get a job, since she felt guilty living in the luxurious house without paying rent. Knowing Jeremy Gilbert had taken a summer job at the Mystic Grill, she'd mentioned it to Damon one evening when they'd been mapping out more Stefan attacks.

"You want to give up relaxation to go and work as a waitress?" Damon snorted, looking at her like she was crazy. "Lemme rephrase— you want to give up relaxation to go and work as a waitress with Dumb and Dumber, AKA Jeremy and Matt?"

She rolled her eyes. "It can't be that terrible. I have to make money of my own."

"You want a job? Clean the house whenever you want. I'll call you 'the maid' whenever I refer to you, now. There. You're paying rent. Congratulations."

"But I already clean the house because I have nothing better to do."

"Exactly. See, you already got the work experience. You've been promoted to head maid."

At the very least, Esmeray was grateful that not much was expected of her. If she ever did go out, she didn't have a curfew. The only reason she left the house was to find someone whose memories she could take, to continue learning about the modern world. She asked Damon questions and he answered without sarcasm when he realized she was being serious about wanting to know. He let her do whatever she wanted. When she accidentally broke something on the days where she got emotional, he simply told her to fix it or clean it up and to not worry about it.

On the day of Elena's birthday, Esmeray had been planning to go into the forest so that she wouldn't be in the way, but Caroline had called her early in the morning (Esmeray had finally gotten herself a phone) and asked her to help prepare the house while she shopped for decorations.

"Are you sure it's a good idea for me to be here all day?" she asked uneasily. "I don't think Elena wants to see me."

"She's not mad at you, Esme," said Caroline. "I just talked to her. She understands you were manipulated into doing the ritual. This is going to be your first party ever! You have to come."

"Alright, fine," she sighed. "How many people are coming?"

"Well, I told Elena it was going to be a small thing, but I may have gone overboard and invited everyone in our grade. Speaking of that— are you going to enroll at the High School in the fall? It might be good for you!"

Esmeray scrunched up her nose. "Definitely not. I have college level knowledge from the Professors and other people whose memories I've seen. I'm not going to sit in a high school. Besides... well, I don't know when my birthday is anymore, but I'll be turning twenty soon. That's a little old for a high schooler."

"Pick a cool date to be your birthday and just roll with it. Do you remember how far away your birthday was when you were put to sleep?"

"I just know my birthday is during a cold time. Minimal snow. That could be anywhere from fall to winter to spring. And weather patterns have changed, so the seasons might be completely different."

"Let's give you a spring birthday! That sounds cute. How about late March, after spring has started? Pick a number from 20 to 31 and mark it down."

Esmeray rubbed the back of her head. "Um... let's say March 26th, then."

"Cool! We can say you were born in 1991 if anyone asks."

Esmeray had to admit, Caroline was very on top of things. After she'd cleaned the entire house and made sure none of Damon's bourbon bottles were left around, she called Caroline to let her know the place was ready.

"I also put spells on all the upstairs rooms so people don't sneak in and make a mess," she said. "I know Damon doesn't care if people use those rooms, but I think it's a bit disrespectful if they're snooping around. You um, you told me that people hook up at high school parties, right?"

"Yep! That's good, they can go to their own homes if they want to have sex with each other. Speaking of that, you should find someone tonight!"

Esmeray blinked. "What, to have sex with?"

"Yes! This is a time to have fun and be reckless."

She blushed. "Um... I don't know anyone, though. It'd be my first time and I don't want to do that with a stranger. I think I'll wait."

But waiting sounded murderous. In the past, Esmeray's heightened emotions always fixated on anger because her Pack members made her feel inadequate whenever she caused any damage to their property. Now that everyone was more or less being kind to her, she realized there were a lot of feelings she'd never paid attention to.

She was 'horny' as the teenagers called it. She felt desire every spare moment when she let herself zone off. She'd go out for a walk and any attractive person would make her feel aroused. At one point, she'd nearly kissed Caroline when she'd been over. She just looked so pretty that day with her hair braided and a sundress on, and Esmeray had completely forgotten that not everyone was pansexual. She had to force herself to not act on her feelings, because as she recalled, Caroline seemed to have the hots for Tyler Lockwood.

She had told Damon about her problem, and he had scoffed. "Just find someone and bring them here," he told her indifferently. "As long as you use one of your nifty spells, I don't care, I'm not your dad or your brother so you don't need my permission."

"It's not that simple," she groaned, covering her face. "I can't do it. I want to bang anyone and everyone I see that's around my age but I can't do it, I don't know them and I don't want to just do it with a stranger for my first time."

"So go for Tyler Lockwood," suggested Damon, shrugging.

"But Caroline likes him, I think."

"She hasn't acted on it. Besides, it can be a one time thing. He's the only other werewolf in Mystic Falls."

"That makes it even worse. I want sex, not a baby. Werewolves tend to procreate like rabbits when they're together. It's our natural instinct and it'll be far more complicated if I end up knocked up."

Damon started to laugh. "Oh my God, you're a witch. You can just get rid of it! Or get a good hanger. Better yet— drink and drink until it flushes itself out. Can't you do a spell to prevent pregnancy?"

"I admit, I don't know. Contraceptive spells weren't a thing in our Pack. People were looking to procreate. Abstinence was basically impossible and the only method of birth control was to pull out."

He handed her a bottle of bourbon, which she neglected to drink from. "You need to start having fun, it's a bit embarrassing to have you here as a tenant when you're not getting action."

She huffed. "That's rude. You're a shitty landlord."

"And you're basically a prude maid. Go use a broom or something."

Her face heated up. "I shouldn't have asked you for advice."

"No, you shouldn't have, because you should know by now that I'm brutally honest and will tell you to just grab someone and fuck them. Who cares? Act on your desires."

She crossed her arms. "I don't see you doing that with Elena."

He tensed. "It's more complicated," he muttered.

"You like her, Damon. She kissed you."

"It's more complicated," he repeated, snatching back the bottle of bourbon and walking off.

Once Caroline had arrived at the Boarding House to start decorating, Esmeray had ended up heading back to her room to relax, since she was still skeptical about seeing Elena.

"Hey." Damon poked his head in. "Ric and I are going... somewhere. Keep them busy."

She nodded, knowing this meant they were following a lead. Mustering up her wits, she went downstairs and found that Tyler Lockwood had come by to help Caroline by bringing in all the liquor that the attendees would be consuming later.

Esmeray didn't speak, she just acted. Whatever Caroline told her to do, she went through with it, refraining from looking around too much. As evening began to settle in, the room looked welcoming and fun, and a beer keg had been set up. Damon returned looking annoyed, and Esmeray had cast him a look, but he'd shot one back that let her know that they'd talk about it later.

"How bad was it?" she whispered once the party had begun, and he'd escorted Elena down in her white dress. Esmeray had put on a burgundy spaghetti strap dress that went down to her mid thighs, and her long hair had been curled so it fell elegantly over her shoulders.

"It was bad," Damon muttered, urging her to move off to the side so Elena wouldn't overhear. "Definitely Stefan. Don't tell Elena."

"I wasn't planning to," she replied.

"Klaus's hybrid army agenda is advancing. Stefan can't be saved at this point. Elena, of course, won't give up, no matter how much I tell her to. I know my brother. This isn't going to be a walk in the park. The only person who could help him..." he sighed. "Lexi. But I killed her."

"We'll figure something out," said Esmeray. "Once we can get to Klaus, we can try to work on Stefan. I'm sure I can tap into magic that'll free him of his compulsion."

"Isn't that dark magic?"

"I think it is. I've never done it, so I'd need to learn how. There's hope. Don't give up."

He snorted. "Easy for you to say. You can wave your hands and things happen. I'm useless." He shook his head. "Go and do something, don't be a little parasite that sticks at my side the whole night."

"I don't know anyone," she reiterated, looking over the dance floor.

He nudged her in the direction of one of the rooms where a foul smell was coming out. "Go into the Stoner Pit. I bet you'll find Little Gilbert there. Try some drugs, or something, you have to at least learn what it's like."

With a frown, she made her way there. Everyone inside looked either completely stoned or still somewhat sober. They all cast her very weird looks as she moved along the wall, not sure what to do. She could see Matt Donovan and Jeremy were smoking, but she wasn't sure whether she should approach them.

"Here." She turned to see one of the teenagers had walked up to her, and was offering her a blunt. "This is what you came for, right?"

"I've never tried it," she muttered, looking down at the smoldering roll. "It smells bad."

"When you're high, you won't mind the smell," the boy told her. "Take a puff."

She hesitated, before taking it in her hand. She brought it to her lips and inhaled, and immediately spit it out, beginning to cough and making everyone look at her as her eyes watered. "That's terrible," she hissed, wiping her mouth. The boy was grinning at her, and in her current emotional state, it made her want to kiss him, but she suddenly remembered that if she locked lips with him, she'd be inhaling more smoke, which made her scrunch her nose up and walk right out of the room.

She went outside to get some fresh air, still trying to cough all the smoke out. She found Damon and Alaric drinking off to the side and moved closer to them. Alaric didn't seem to be mad at her, which she at least appreciated.

"You didn't last five minutes," chided Damon.

"It tastes really bad," she muttered. "Katherine was right. A Four Loko would destroy me."

Both Damon and Alaric laughed, which made her face heat up, because she hadn't meant to joke about it, and now she thought they were laughing at her. "It's pitiful, I know," she muttered, sitting next to Damon.

"For the love of God, stop hanging out with the adults and go be with people your own age," sighed Damon, nudging her in the side. "You're never going to learn if you just leave every situation that makes you feel nervous."

"Maybe I don't want to learn," she said pointedly. Damon offered her a glass of bourbon, and she took it, giving him a skeptical look before taking a sip. She gagged and shoved it back into his hand. "This is all so strange to me. I still don't like it."

"Wish I had the same problem," said Alaric dejectedly as he took a long drink from the bottle in his hand. "I am every parent's worst nightmare. I am the chaperone teacher from Hell."

Damon snorted. "I love high school parties. Unfortunately, Balto here doesn't want to indulge."

Esmeray crossed her arms. "No, I don't want to. And isn't Andie supposed to be coming? I like her. She wouldn't be so judgy."

Damon rolled his eyes. "Ten o'clock broadcast. Should be here in a little bit." He looked up as Elena walked out onto the porch. "Hello, Birthday Girl!"

Esmeray cast her a shy smile. "Happy birthday, Elena."

Elena, to her surprise, smiled back, but held out her hand for Damon to give her his drink, as if she was stressed. "Jeremy's smoking again," she sighed as she drank from Damon's glass.

"His stash must be incredible," mused Damon. "Esme here couldn't handle it."

Elena gave him the evil eye. "You're an ass," Elena told him. "Don't encourage her to smoke if she doesn't want to. Jeremy could learn a thing or two from her." She faced Alaric. "Talk to him, please. He looks up to you." She handed Damon's glass back and walked off, making the vampire chuckle.

"You're screwed," he told Alaric, who groaned. He looked back at Esmeray. "And you need to give this party another shot. Go dance."

Esmeray huffed and got up, going back into the house and moving into the living room, where the teenagers were all moving to the music that was blaring through the speakers Caroline set up. She pressed herself against the wall at first, looking for an opening, but she felt so out of place, and couldn't muster up the courage to embed herself between any of the people there.

Perhaps if she had a set friend group, she would have felt like she could let loose, because she wasn't about to just start dancing in front of random people. She thought they'd all judge her and make her feel embarrassed. After so many years of being made fun of, her confidence was at an all time low. She watched the other girls grinding on their dates and friends, and swayed her own hips thinking to imitate them, but it felt like she was doing it wrong, and ultimately, she ended up walking to the kitchen, getting herself a water bottle, and heading back outside, where she found Alaric by himself.

"Damon left," he told her simply. "Had to go pick Andie up."

She hummed, taking a sip of her water. "Well, I'll talk to you then... if you don't mind. I want to start by saying I'm sorry for everything."

"I don't blame you, and neither do Elena and Jeremy. Klaus convinced you he was going to help you get something you wanted, and you were just protecting yourself. We know it's been really hard... you don't have your family anymore and you were all alone." He let out a dry laugh. "I just don't know why you prefer to listen to a drunk man talk. You could be doing jello shots."

"Talking is a lot more entertaining to me."

He was already pretty buzzed, and seeing her there, he decided to pretend she was a therapist, thinking it'd make her leave so she could have fun instead of being bored to death at his side. "Well, I'm supposed to be acting like a responsible parent to two kids who have already lost their entire biological family. Even John Gilbert is dead now for trying to ask around about Isobel. Got mixed in with the wrong people and they had no problem offing him. Instead of giving Elena and Jeremy advice and helping them feel safe, I'm just taking up space on their couch and bringing nothing useful to the table. I should be helping Jeremy not rely on drugs, and what am I doing instead? Drinking and being irresponsible."

"You're grieving," she told him. "So are they. Grief appears in different forms and I assure you, you are helping, even if you don't realize it. Maybe you don't fit the ideal vision of a supportive parent, but you have to understand that your mere presence is comforting to them. Even if you're just on the couch, they can see that you're there and they know they're not alone. You can't really do much about certain habits... Jeremy knows what's right and wrong, and from what it sounds like, he doesn't smoke as much as he used to, which is an improvement. It'll take time, but you'll eventually feel better and be more motivated, and I assure you, things will turn around. You need to let yourself relax and don't beat yourself up. No one can replace Jenna or their parents. But you've helped them tremendously just by being a lingering presence. They understand that they can come to you if they need anything. They're independent, and after all these months of being involved in the supernatural world, they know how to take care of themselves when it comes to the basics. Whatever you think you need to do, just go for it. If it's sitting around, then do it, because they won't be okay until you're okay, and sometimes, a person just needs to let themselves be irresponsible for a bit to let out all that emotion."

Alaric stared at her like he hadn't expected her to actually give him advice. "You speak about it as if you've raised kids before and you've dealt with stuff like this."

She shrugged. "I have memories of raising children and coping. Don't look down on yourself because of this."

He sighed, and got to his feet. "You're right, though. I think I know what I need to do. I need to get the courage to do it because I know that I can help more once I get my life back together. I'll still be there for them... just living back in my own apartment."

He walked off, and Esmeray sighed dejectedly, looking around as she finished up the rest of her water before heading back into the house, deciding that she had to try and get some action before she exploded, because at that very moment, she wasn't sure how much longer she could last without pouncing on someone.