Book name: Yosō Academy!
Fandom: Original
Genre: Fantasy, Action
Author: Megumichan179
POV: First person view
Content: 57 chapters, excluding part 2 and extra chapters
Status: Completed
Remarks: "I feel it's not explained properly and the grammar is bad. it needs to be reviewed so that I may become better in writing in the future."

- Megumi

A) Cover - B (8.4)
...1) Image [ A- ]
...2) Font [ B ]
...3) Color scheme [ A- ]
...4) Resolution [ A+ ]
...5) Implicative Aspect [ C+ ]
...6) Impact [ B+ ]
...7) Meaning [ C- ]

B) Description - E (5.6)
...1) Style [ E ]
...2) Relevance [ D ]
...3) Mysticism [ F ]
...4) Neatness [ D ]

C) Storyline - F (4.1)
...1) Chapter length [C+ ]
...2) Prioritization [ F ]
...3) Spotlights [ D ]
...4) Composition/Style [ F ]
...5) Presence of Plotline [ F ]
...6) Originality [ C+ ]
...7) Efficiency [ F ]

D) Characters - C+ (7.2)
...1) Accuracy [ C+ ]
...2) Description [ B- ]
......a) Style
......b) Vividness
......c) Impact
......d) Originality (only OC characters)
...3) Presence [ C- ]
......1) Scene distribution
......2) Contribution to story

E) Dialogue - D (6.4)
...1) Accuracy [ B+ ]
...2) Density/Weight [B- ]
...3) Language [ B- ]
...4) Richness [ F ]
......a) Description of actions
......b) Linear to scene
......c) Creativity
...5) Length [ E ]
...6) Delivery [ C- ]
...7) Neatness [ E ]

F) Setting - F (1.2)
...1) Direction [ F ]
...2) Number of locations [ E ]
...3) Vividness [ F ]
...4) Scenario [ F ]
...5) Names [ F ]
......a) Locations
......b) Characters
......c) Others

G) Technicals - F (4.4)
...1) Errors [ F ]
......a) Grammar
......b) Punctuation
......c) Typo
...2) Arrangement [ F ]
...3) Encapsulation of idea [ F ]
...4) Mood [ F ]
...5) Book title [ A- ]
...6) Genre relevance and accuracy [ C- ]

* * * * * * * *

Verdict :
Book rating: 5.3/10.0 (F)
Potential: 89%

* * * * * * * *

A) Cover
This is the first time I saw a cover with an original image. It's actually pretty good for a cover, enough to give me the feels of the book. Like I like how you drew the girl flying at the readers with fire in her hands. I'd say I'm impressed. Although the book needs a lot of work, but I'll get to that later on. 

It's really original, I like that. However, it's pretty misleading. I thought that it would be a story that would revolve around one character, but as I read through the book, that theory was rebutted by the POVs of several other characters. So I advice you to change that a little by adding more characters to the background instead of just Nadia in the book cover. I don't even know who's the main character anymore to be honest.

B) Description
Like I said, your book has a lot of space to improve. Just so you know, the description of a story is crucial, because it informs the readers what the story is about. Or like give the readers gist of it. If you plan on making your story mainly (meaning at least 90% to 95% of the story content is about the character) about Nadia, then your initial description is alright. But your story revolves around a lot of people--basically consisting of herself, her friends, and those extended friends. There are too many character POVs but you only informed the readers in the description that the book is about Nadia, so it's misleading.

The squiggly line between "this is based. . ." and  "warning:. . ." means you should add "~~~" like the credit of the cover. But you shouldn't make it too long. Three of those would be enough to suffice. Then the x marks means remove. Why is there a "XD"? You should remove it. And also remove the credit. Unless you didn't make the cover, there's no need to credit the cover to anyone.

C) Storyline
To be honest, I couldn't get the point in the story. There were so many things happening, so many plots, so many arcs, and not to mention I can't get a hold of what the real plot is. The  book (as a whole, looking at it at a wider perspective) has good story, that I could say because it was filled with the adventures of the characters. But you really need to work on those, because there is no depth to those events and scenarios.

HOWEVER, you completely lack the element of thrill and surprise, not to mention the events happen to quickly. A bad thing happens and it's resolved in the next few sentences. Megumi-chan, you need to learn not to be too excited when writing your chapters. I can tell that you're excited since all you write are dialogues. I know that it's normal to get hyped and excited, but you have to be patient. There's nothing to describe how the characters look like and where they are staying at. There's nothing that explains the system of the school aside from those occasional duels. You have to say something about the school to make the book more interesting.

Going back to the story: rather than making up random events that occur with no real reason why they're there except to build character development, surround the characters with a story that follows a line of events that would lead them to the ultimate enemy. You should know that there is more to the story than just telling the readers what's happening. You're supposed to mesmerize the readers, and help them enjoy reading the book. Don't depend on some readers who could put up with your writing style, but there are readers who are more picky with what they read. It would be a shame if they don't see the gem hidden in the rocks.

D) Characters
I'm not used to reading books with young tweens to be the main characters. But reading the book series The Secret Benedict Society and watching series like Ben 10 and whatever else in my younger years, and including meeting many young kids, allows me to understand how kids are supposed to believe in and act like. They don't drink, they don't easily say "I love you," and they don't just kiss each other because they feel like it. The characters also have a change of heart way too easily. They get influenced too easily and the get mad and calm down way too easily. Their personalities don't stand out either. 

The relationships that got formed aren't the least bit romantic. They were too quick to hit it off, and there was not much drama to make them get attracted to each other. You should add some drama and romance to the book. Maybe like the struggle of Nadia's feelings for Hollis--culture-wise and race-wise. Like make Hollis insecure about his feelings and show the readers his struggles of telling Nadia how he feels. The same goes for Blaire and Jayson. Despite their personalities, the two hit it off way too quickly.

Jayson's change of heart towards Hollis was also too quick. He should have stayed aggressive after a couple more chapters. Let's say he and Hollis finally became friends in chapter ten after a dangerous mission. That would be more interesting than encountering something so brief and he would have a sudden change of heart. It would be like suddenly liking mayonnaise when you just taste a little of it.

You need to refine their personalities. Even I sometimes have a hard time identifying the characters. Add more drama to create their final personalities. A story is the journey of a character or characters that develop their personality as they go on with their journey. Each character has a purpose in the story. I didn't like it when you suddenly added new characters in Chapter 18. It would be as if there would be new main characters in the story. But all the same, everything is moving too quickly yet at the same time too many events and scenarios happen.

E) Dialogue
I didn't like the fact that all I was reading was people speaking, and there lacked the addition of periods and commas. I'll go on further with that later in the technicals. 

Well, honestly there's not to go on with this. The dialogues were my only means of understanding the story. I recommend you use third person point of view when you write this book. Since you're using too many POVs while writing, I got confused of what was going on because the POVs. I know that this book was a newbie work since it's written in first POV but it changes point of view as the story goes on. Your book isn't an anthology book, so changing POVs isn't exactly appropriate. 

Of course, it's your book so it's your style. This is why I don't write in first POV, because I know that the views are limited to one character: THE MAIN CHARACTER. So if you want, as I mentioned before, the POVs of the other characters included, write in third POV.

F) Setting
This is the first book I've read with no sense of setting at all. I hope you work on that by describing the background and characters instead of using pictures to show us what the characters look like. It won't stick, just so you know. Describing the characters all the way throughout the book (like just bits of the character) allows the readers to keep a mental image of how the characters look like, just like how I write in my books. I mention the color of their hair, color of their eyes, and sometimes their skin to keep reminding the readers how the characters look like.

Readers also appreciate vivid books. I'm one of those people. So be patient enough to describe the surroundings and what's going on. You watch anime, right? There's those short interludes in between the scenes. You could describe the sky, the birds in the trees, or whatever fits your taste.

G) Technicals
You need to work a lot on the technicals. The one below is an example of what you should work on.

Okay, so you don't add commas and periods at the end of the dialogues like you're supposed to. If you noticed, I placed a comma at the parts where "Dad" sighed, because, yeah, people can say something while they sigh, lol. I also placed a comma when the first person chuckled, because the application is the same with the sighs. The periods were placed because the words following it pertain to action not speaking. Then I didn't get the sentence "Mom shook her head riding her house to one of the shops. Dad folded his glaring at me"? You need to fix those mistakes because I have no clue what's going on. Then I also indicated words that should be inserted like the one above with the arrow showing where "while" should be placed. And I recommended changing "said" to "cried."

Throughout your book you're consistent with these mistakes; be careful not to overlook them. 

* * * * *

Concluding remarks:
Though your book is successful, it has a lot of work needed to improve. I couldn't finish reading the entire thing, but I could still tell that if you smoothed out the rough edges your book would undoubtedly be a great one. Your book is a diamond in the rough, I could tell you that. But I advice you to lay out a plan that includes what should happen in the book, the relationships that will be built, and the bonds that would form. Your book has a lot of characters, and a lot of them are minor. Minor in the sense that they don't appear often in the first thirty-five chapters. They're too scattered through the book.

Don't be too scared to add drama. Learn and apply the stuff you've watched and read. Don't be too impatient and excited either. I was like you when I was a younger writer, although I have always used third POV. When I was younger, I didn't think much about the plot and just kept writing and writing because I was excited to post what would happen next. I got to finish the book quickly. But looking back at it, it was just a stepping stone to being the writer I am today.

So I encourage you to step up in your writing skills and improve this book you have asked me to review. And I also wish you the best of luck as you continue writing. Whether or not you would apply what I've said in this first book of Yosō Academy! series. But I hope you apply what I've mentioned to your future books.

Though your book got a low score in my review, don't be discouraged. Think of your book as a stepping stone in your journey to become a great writer. Just practice and practice, and never give up. If you need anymore advice and help, don't be shy to drop a message for me. I'll be available, and I'm terribly sorry for taking a while to review your book. I've been really busy the past few months, but I do hope I finish what I need to finish soon.

Anyways, good luck! :)

- R