N O T E

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It seems to me that love could be labelled poison and we'd drink it anyways.

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SUNDAY,  OCTOBER 23

It brings me immense joy that I can do a Weekend Ritual with Ruhi as a part of my escape from The Noori's. The bistro Ruhi's chosen is one of my favourite corners of heaven. It's where the chattering chefs can be heard from the tables, joking and teasing, or perhaps singing loudly and out of tune. The food is simple and the decor plain. I love it for the people, for the conversations we have.

    The ambience of the bistro, its homey aroma, draws my soul into its cocoon for a few blessed moments as I walk in with Gia. Her eleven-year-old son, Thomas, follows us in staccato steps. It's a shame his toy blue aeroplane couldn't fly faster.

Today I can sense that Gia is here as my best friend. It's just something in the way she's walking. Gia is my forever friend. I never get tired of her presence. She's probably the only person who hasn't begun to bother me. And that's very rare for me. Time flies when we're together. It's not bizarre for me to show up at her house all the time with takeaway pizzas and fizzy drinks, or randomly after shows at odd hours. And, of course, her family treats me as if I were one of their own daughters. I know secretly Annie loves me more than Harry and Gia.

We have a wacky sense of humour that only we understand. Whether it's the nights we spend watching foreign movies with no subtitles at 2 a.m., that make us laugh till our stomachs hurt or commercials on TV that make no sense. There are things that are only funny to the two of us.

We don't have these heart-to-hearts often, but that gives us so many more vivid things to talk about, and fangirl over—like how Justin Beiber married Hailey, how Brandon Flynn shone in the new season for his Netflix show–and thus it makes me very happy that Gia's here with me today.

Off late, Gia has started taking solo trips, Thomas would stay with Annie, because Jeremy, her husband, was too busy with work. He's been pulling all-nighters for over a year. It has had an impact on Gia's social presence—instead of the couple goals pictures she used to post from her marriage, it is now constantly filled with excessive throwbacks of Thomas, selfies, and foodporn pictures.

"There you are!" Ruhi exclaims from her table for six. The table is littered with sketches, stationary and a laptop on which she's furiously working.

A fashionista and social media influencer, Ruhi now works for a luxury brand as an assistant creative director, the name of which I always forget. It truly is unconventional to see someone be an intern one day and the creative head the next.

"Are we interrupting something?" Gia says as we greet and sit down at the table.

"Nope...just trying to catch up on Maira from the internet," Ruhi grins. She turns the laptop around and I see Zaahid and my picture from the last vacation we staged for the cameras. I fake a smile and sip on water to avoid commenting.

We order large cups of French vanilla bean coffee and caramel hazelnut macchiato with a lavish plate of overloaded waffles and pizza. The chit-chat continues for some time.

"How's your shop coming along? Maira tells me you're really looking forward to the opening week." Gia asks.

"I am," Ruhi begins, swallowing her mouthful. "I've been trying to build my Etsy store."

"With so many new technological changes coming in business, I want to first build my online community before opening a physical shop." Ruhi continues, slicing through her waffle.

"Well, that sounds fantastic! We must all definitely adapt to the changing norms." Gia concurs.

"Do you want to have a look? I would love feedback!"

"Sure, bring it on!"

For a few minutes Gia studies whatever Ruhi is showing her, explaining to her.

"How do you accept payments? Is there a gateway portal?" Gia speaks in her business voice. "See there needs to be a landing page."

"I've been using paym locally here in the UK–its quite effective, people are familiar with it and its a popular app. But yes, I will look for some payment gateway for worldwide orders." Ruhi explains.

"Yes, you should. You should always think of expanding your company."

I sit there, relish my meal and watch them talk business and it's such a welcome distraction from my life that I enjoy it. I don't want to participate in it, I simply want to enjoy it unfolding.

"Maira! You've barely talked!" Ruhi pulls her seat closer to mine and hugs me. "Are you mad at me?" She pulls away and asks.

"Of course not, I thought interrupting a business meeting was impolite." Everyone laughs, and we move on to other topics.

"So, how was your date?" Over our second cup of coffee, I nudge Ruhi with my elbow. For months Ruhi was desperate to experience the thrill of a blind date and lo and behold she got a whiff of some undercover dating agency operating on Snapchat.

"You remember what I said two months ago?" Ruhi slams her coffee cup down on the table, causing it to spill slightly.

I shake my head slightly.

"'I've met the most gorgeous human ever!'" She mocks herself. "'Oh Jeremy, it feels like I've known you my entire life!'"

I stay silent and allow her to continue. It was a rather uncomfortable coincidence that Ruhi dated a Jeremy and Gia is married to one.

"Turns out the agency is a scam, and Jeremy is a married jerk with a teen son!" Ruhi gives herself slow claps.

The only noise on the table is of Thomas whirring his plane on the table's edge. I take a pizza slice and eat it quietly. "But at least I was smart enough to not be duped!" The tense air above the table relaxes as Ruhi says in a sing-song voice. She orders more dessert to celebrate.

A few beats later, "Maira I have these outfits ready for you, so you know who to call for the AMAs." Ruhi moves the laptop closer to me and begins to show me her designs. But there are too many tabs open. There's so much chaos on the screen that out of instinct, I start closing tabs.

Accidentally I open a tab for her paym transactions dashboard, which contains data from the four years she's been building her shop. What stands out is a thousand-pound monthly credit from a user named TJ. I'm curious if it's her wholesaler or a TJ Maxx franchise, but it's not my business to snoop around, and this is too personal for even best friends. After all, hers is a high-end boutique.

"You know what I found?" Ruhi interrupts and pulls the laptop away a little too sharply to seem casual.

"Sorry," I mumble as if I'd been caught red-handed. Most of the time, I feel as if I'm in a foggy bubble, oblivious to my intuitions. Plus, meeting Ruhi, and hearing her talk is such a welcome breather that makes me feel like we're back in school and Ruhi is teaching me for exams; so, I don't dwell on puzzles.

"Come, Gia, see baby pics of Maira," Ruhi calls over Gia. She stands behind us and together the three of us stare at the screen.

"How did you access her iCloud?" Gia asks from over us, genuinely curious. "Maira, have you been sharing passwords?"

"Gia, it's fine. It's Ruhi!" I say, unfazed.

"But it could be a big security threat for you!"

"I can immediately log out and Maira you can change your passwords..." Ruhi interjects, trying to dissuade an argument.

"No need, I trust her with my life, Gia." I say with finality. "You know she was the one who picked up all the pictures for the Oomph factor round in Ultimate Sing-Off Finale?"

Ultimate Sing-Off Finale had coincided with my twentieth birthday eve. Venus and Ruhi were expecting two celebrations that night, and rightly so, while I was expecting my parents to call. I recalled my younger self, hands spread on the ice-cold glass, mouth pressed against it, watching the cars pass by the house, hoping, waiting for papa to return home from missions so we could go play in the park. Given my mum's track record, it felt strange that she hadn't called me in two days. Oddly enough, I hadn't seen my phone, my beloved Nokia, which gave perfect service in the past years, also.

After the morning rehearsals at the studio, I returned to my room around two o'clock that day. I thoroughly searched my room—I turned every corner, looked at every fold of the bed covers, checked and double-checked everything—better than the CBI or FBI could have. As it turned out, my iPod was also gone. The coincidence was uncanny, given that it was always in the drawer of the right-hand side bedside table. How am I going to get through my last-minute performance anxiety? The thought made me shudder. My rock to cling to in difficult times has been, is, and always will be Sia's Titanium.

Time flew by while I searched, but I also needed to get ready for the Finale. I quickly showered and changed into the emerald green gown Ruhi had procured for me. "It's very sexy. It has a thigh-high slit and the spaghetti straps have tiny knots like a ribbon on a present and the colour is so in! You'll love it!" I remember her telling me.

"It's a singing show. They wouldn't be impressed by a backless, noodle strap skimpy gown." I had argued, eyeing the gown.

"It's called fashion. Thank you very much," Ruhi was offended. "Plus, presentation always matters. You need to dress like a winner to be one."

A carousel of ideas had ambushed me as I sat in the vanity chair doing my makeup, each one more worrying than the last. My face felt tight, as grinning simply wasn't a possibility for that day. How would it go? Will I win? Can I do this? Mum needs to call ASAP. Why hasn't she called? Should I call papa? Will he pick? Isn't he perpetually busy or in a meeting? An internal conflict arose.Where did my things go? Have I missed placed them? Am I or am I robbed? In the mirror, I noticed my eyes enlarging with fear.

Panic is a four-letter word. Yes, it is. As each word sank into my system, I threw the eyeliner in my hands and scurried around the room to double-check. I hesitantly opened my cupboard drawer and discovered that my laptop was missing. The safe in the cupboard harboured my mother's small sphere-shaped diamond pendant necklace, a necklace given to me for my outstanding academic performance in high school, and my only possession of hers that I had brought with me to Newcastle and then to London. Taking in a long breath, I opened the drawer and to my surprise, the necklace was still intact in its black velvety Pandora Box hidden behind The Card Zaahid had once sent.

The peculiar thing that was eating away at my insides was that all my 'technical' stuff was gone, but not my valuables. I needed that iPod for rehearsals, and my laptop to make the Oomph Factor round video but thankfully Stephan always kept a copy. Everything that could have aided my performance had vanished, except the money in secret pockets under the bed and the necklace in the drawer. What? No, I didn't get it. A part of me tried to comprehend this but a part of me was basking in remnants of the high-school success glow.

I'd taken a deep breath and stumbled backwards, slamming my heel into the desk behind me. I grimaced. I could tell it was a deliberate robbery as no one would have left the safe untouched. Fear draped a porous cloth over my mouth and nose. Air passed through it, allowing my body to continue functioning, but it was crippling all the same. How did someone break into my room? I had questioned when a burning desire to speak to Stephan had bubbled up.

The past lines my present in fifty shades of grey. I faintly remember the days but the feeling hasn't dulled. To this day, I double-check my doors—the main gate, the car door, the garden entrance, the cupboard door, the green room entrance, and the bathroom. People don't realize how their actions can scar others for life.

"Which is nice, but still..." Gia speaks from over me assuring me my belief in Ruhi is not wayward. She understands that I have a separate relationship with Ruhi as well and respects it. "Anyway, Ruhi what were you showing?"

The picture is of Raahat, my brother, and me sitting on either side of our father, cross-legged on the floor. Every year on any particular day, papa would sit us down and talk about the 'conscious choices' we make in our daily lives and would tell 'tales from the war.' He often retold one story, where he had misjudged or made a mistake and always emphasised his repenting it every day since.

Looking at the screen I feel a huge gaping hole in my chest. I miss my family. The thought of it is too much: like staring straight into the sun, blotting out everything with sheer panic. When it creeps into my mind, I look away and remind myself of a time when things were good.

I remember how Raahat's hugs warmed me on some nights, and how he would let me sleep in his bed when the house was empty because papa would go to a new posting and mummy would indulge in parties to get over her grief. But Raahat, the boy I had just begun to admire and look up to, shattered me the day he left and never returned.

I can't help but wonder if I've grown up to be a Magnet of Bad Boys and an addict of wrong things—a daughter of an Air Commodore (Ayaan Ahluwalia) for whom country always came first; a sister of a boy scout (Raahat Ahluwalia) who was never there and a partner of an ex-boyband member (Zaahid Noori) who is still unsure of what he wants.

The laptop's screen has turned black and in I see a blurry reflection of Ruhi, Gia and me. I stare at my reflection and notice the haphazardly made shift bun on a pale face, an overly large sweatshirt (now as I realise is Zaahid's grey hoodie) hanging from my typical, average, Indian-sized body.

Right now, I'm a mixture of very happy and very sad. And I'm trying to figure it all out, all these emotions and words and thoughts and what they all mean. Everything I feel is a contradiction of itself, and I do not understand any of it. Happiness is awesome, but the universe doesn't revolve around a smile. You're not going to be happy all the time. No one ever is. Sometimes you're just going to sort of exist, and that's okay. Learn to be satisfied with "content," "calm" and "not sad." Not sad is good. Not sad is great.

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N O T E

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Be careful who you trust, salt and sugar look the same.

"Some dreams never do come true, some love doesn't hit the target. I've been wishing upon you, I've been wishing my hardest. You've got me seeing stars, brighter than ever. Shining just like diamonds do, I know that in time it could be all ours, brighter than ever." Song: seeing stars by borns.

Please drop me a comment or a vote if you think this deserves it and give me a chance to improve. Love and light, M

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