❝Thomas Edison's last words were: 'It's very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.❞

-Looking for Alaska by John Green

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Finality seems to pour from the sky in a hazy mist, covering the Ashdown outskirts with an impenetrable sadness. I can barely see through the fog that's settled on the Green Mountains, and I have no idea if it's natural or a sign of our impending doom.

I don't know why I decided on the Ash Grove for all of this to go down, but it seems perfect. The first place Mor took me may be the last place I see Will alive.

Turning to glance at Will in the passenger seat, I try to calm my nerves. Will gives me a weak smile, but it's hardly comforting. Now that my shock has worn off, I get a weird feeling when I look at him, somewhere between lovely security and ominous terror. I'm terrified for him, and for myself.

Leaves crunch as my tires squeal and whip off of concrete onto the dirt road that leads into the Hundred Acre Woods. Other than that, the two of us are surprisingly quiet.

Then music begins to play - my ringtone, Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance -, making me jump and nearly swerve. Will raises his eyebrows, but I quickly grab my phone, which I'd totally forgotten I'd left in the cup holder.

The minute I pick up, before I can even say "Hello?", Kat's sharp, decisive voice exclaims, "Lila!"

"Kat?" I respond dubiously, hoping for the life of me that my sister didn't see me leave. "Is something wrong?"

"Where are you driving off to?!"

What's wrong? Will asks me mentally.

Instead of answering, I just turn speaker phone on and set the device back in the cup holder so both of us can hear. In front of me, the road is getting narrower as we leave Ashdown behind and breach the thicket of evergreens at the base of the hill.

"Do I really have to tell you everything?" I say to Kat after a moment.

I can hear her sigh. "No, but- look, Lila. I know you're with Mor, and I know he says he's an angel, but I think he's lying. I think - I think he's some sort of demon or something. Like the Grim Reaper, or..."

Dammit, I think. How am I supposed to respond to that?!

Beside me, Will groans, softly enough that it won't transmit through the phone.

I forgot how smart she was, he says to me. And she never settles for anything. I don't know what you should tell her.

Breathing in through my nose, I trail off with, "Kat..."

"What?"

"He is a Grim Reaper," I say, knowing things are already bad enough that there's no point in sugar-coating it now. "It's a long story. We didn't tell you because he's my reaper. I'm going to die."

I brace myself for her reaction. Somehow, I expect her to be angry, but her voice is more horrified than anything. A cacophony of metaphorical spiders dance across my skin as she blurts, "What? Li, have you lost your mind?"

"Kat, you don't understand."

"I don't understand what? Are you going to kill yourself? I-"

She cuts off. I glance down at the screen and see it's black. My phone is dead.

"Shit!" I yell, resisting the urge to pick it up and slam it against the dashboard. My eyes flicker to the console, where I sometimes have a charging cord, but there's nothing there. I have no way to communicate with my sister.

"Is it dead?" Will questions, concern shining in his eyes.

I nod numbly. Any other time, I might make a joke about the irony - my phone died while I'm on my way to my own nearly inevitable death - but I can't now. I'm worried about Kat and what she asked. Hearing the sick worry in her voice after I told her my fate sent my mind reeling. There's no doubt in my mind that she cares, but...

I don't know. Since the Halloween party I've been stuck in a loop of reapers and the dead, and I can barely think about the outside world. About all the people I may be leaving.

Gulping down the quickly-rising terror in my throat, I pull into a dusty parking lot. The hill the Ash Grove sits on has no name, but there's a few hiking trails that lace across it, and this is the spoke from which they all turn out. To the left are a few leading further into the woods; to the right is one leading down the mountain, back towards the main road, and right in the middle is the one leading to the Ash Grove, the unofficial overlook of the Hundred Acre Woods.

Everything feels so ultimate, so... like the end. This is the last time I'll see Will in a car, the last time I'll hear him close the door, the last time I'll hold his hand.

We exit the car, but it's not without remorse. I don't need to explain my desire to Will - I know he understands, intrinsically. As we walk to the Ash Grove, he takes my hand in his, and holds it tightly, like we're just a normal high school couple going for a walk to see the view. Like I'm not on death row and he's not already dead.

If things go wrong here, I may never see him again, for as long as I live - or perhaps for as long as I exist. And it's because of this knowledge that I become suddenly thankful. I realize this what I didn't get last time, what I didn't get the night of the crash.

A chance to say goodbye.

We enter the Ash Grove, and for a moment, I flash back to storms and rain frozen in mid air, to sadness and emptiness and everlasting loneliness. To a reaper playing with his scythe, tossing back his hood and laughing at me darkly.

But then I look past the circle of ash trees, to the opening in the canopy where everything in a 10 mile radius can be seen. I see the rest of the Hundred Acre Woods, and beyond them, the outskirts, and my beloved, forsaken town. Ashdown looks insignificant from up here, just another small town on a small river in a small, empty state.

There's the high school and the Ridge, the Eternal Garden Cemetery, the cluster of houses resided in by Macy, Trevor, and Meatball. The Fox's Den and the New Haven River. Veronica's house and Will's and mine.

A childhood of memories, of football games and late night adventures, flicker before my eyes. But then, so do new memories. At first, they're Ashdown-oriented: my night out with Macy and Kat, and then later watching them get to be with each other. Making up with Veronica. Auditioning for the play. A thousand loose ends I can't truly ever tie up no matter how hard I try.

And then I start thinking of every thing else, too. Finding solace with Erika and meeting My Chemical Romance at Warped Tour. Swimming with sea turtles in Australia. Watching the sky come to life in Finland. A thousand good things I can't forget, no matter how hard I try.

I look to Will; he's tense, staring off into the distance. At first, I think he's reminiscing like me, but then he says, "I can feel death in the air. They're coming. This is it, baby."

Turning to me, he takes my other hand, too, but I don't want to just take his hand. Instead, I lean in and hug him, savoring the feeling of not being alone, and ask the question in the back of my mind. "Will, I'm just wondering... was there anything left on my bucket list?"

He sighs and laughs gently, his body trembling and his tone bittersweet. "One thing. You wanted to have the last dance. I guess with me."

I'm assuming I meant the last dance at prom, but that's never going to happen now. We lost that opportunity 5 months ago. What I wouldn't give for one more chance at a night of tacky decorations and saccharine punch and rented tuxedos and stepping on each other's toes. There's of course another prom coming, all the way in May, and this year I think it's supposed to be around my 18th birthday - May 1st. A lot earlier in the year. Maybe I'll actually be able to go, with Veronica as a friend or something.

That's if you live, Lila, I remind myself.

Whether I do or not... Will is not going to be there.

Somewhere in the distance, I swear I can hear music. It's sweeping along with the dead leaves and cool wind across the overcast twilight, and it makes my heart swell with tender sorrow. Hearing music from here is completely within the realm of possibility; I know a bunch of kids from other schools sometime come to the mountains to party, where they'll be secluded from adults and local law enforcement.

"Do you hear the music?" Will asks. We still haven't broken apart. I don't know if I can bring myself to let go of him.

"Yeah," I say. "I thought it was just in my head."

"No, I hear it too. I think there's a few Bristol kids down at the base having a get-together." He sighs. I feel his body slump against mine, and I try to ignore his smell of smoke and steel and focus on the vague undertones of soap and fresh linen. "I remember when we used to do that, down by the river. You and I, Macy and Trev, Veronica and Meatball and sometimes Jordan..."

I can feel wistfulness radiating from him, nostalgia so intense it almost breaks my heart.

Moving my hands from his waist to his neck, I say, "I miss that so, so much."

"So do I."

And with that, as corny as it is, we begin to sway to the music.

Slow-dancing on death row. Definitely not what I expected.

As I take in the feeling of Will against me, I wonder if this will even count towards the bucket list. Then I realize that whether it does or not, whether my soul is "satisfied" or not...

I don't want to die.

If things were to go the way I wanted before - Will and I both go to heaven, and we spend an eternity there - there's so many things I'd be losing. For the past few months, I've been constantly focusing on the things taken away from me because of the crash. Football games and musicals, meteor showers and the feeling of endless summer.

So why would I take even more from myself?

But I don't know what to do. I can't - I can't just let go of Will like this. He's right here, with me, and-

"Lila..." the reaper's gravelly voice interrupts my thoughts.

I don't look at him, afraid to see more black tears spilling from his eyes. I know he knows what I'm thinking. I can tell he's trying to figure out a way to convince me not to kill myself. But, mercifully, he doesn't say anything. There isn't anything to say.

This is my choice, my consequence, and even his lovely affection will not be able to talk me down. I have to do that myself.

Everybody dies eventually, I tell myself. If you live now, just know that one day you will see Will and everybody else you've lost again. But you can't reverse it, and if you die now, there's no getting back your life.

That thought is what decides it. I don't need to convince myself further. Even if it's small, a sinking island in the middle of a stormy sea, there is a part of me that wants to live. And I'm going to hold on to it.

I'm going to survive this.

Like the swell of the orchestra at the climax of a symphony, thunder rumbles through the night sky. The clap of the clouds is deafening, frightening, to the point that Will and I have to let go of each other to cover our ears. I close my eyes, too, and when I open them, I almost scream at the top of my lungs.

Out of nowhere, three people are standing near the edge of the cliff, each more intimidating than the last.

The first one my eyes land on is a man, furthest to the right, tall and handsome, with dark tan skin, a wild black mane, and a wickedly calm expression.

On the other side is a girl, her entire natural color palette a deathly pale, aside from her ice-like eyes. Her hair hangs like an impermeable curtain across the left side of her face, but when it shifts, I swear I see raw muscle underneath.

And then there's the man in the middle, who has four giant wings framing his sleek build. His face is smooth and cavernous, and shadows are constantly fading in and out from his cheeks, like nature cannot decide whether he is dead or not. His short hair, the color of ebony, shifts on his head like maggots are crawling underneath. And his eyes... they're the opposite of the Reapers': pure white, without a trace of shade or color, and somehow still holding all the carnivorous malice in the world.

Like his two companions, as well as Will and I, he's wearing all black, because this might as well be a funeral, I suppose.

Seemingly compulsively, Will lets go of me, and kneels before the beings. "My Immortals," he breathes in greeting through gritted teeth.

It's then that I become aware of who stands before me - The Council. If I remember correctly... Anubis, Hel, and Thanatos. Deities of death who see over all.

The one in the middle - presumedly Thanatos - snaps his nimble fingers. "Stand, Reaper. You are no longer worthy enough to even beg in front of us."

Like a puppet on a string, my reaper stands and eyes me, and I try not to let the horror show in my expression.

"Lila Aleja Cabrera Diaz," Thanatos says to me, sending a million little shivers down my spine. "You most likely feel as though your world is ending. I must tell you it is not. This is only one rule-breaker in a whole eternity of spiritual criminals. Although it's been one Hell of a hassle to get him to justice."

"We've tried to warn him," adds Anubis. "There were little things he did that we punished him for. Showing himself to other living, for one."

Those punishments..., Will says to me mentally, That's why I disappeared abruptly sometimes. Or didn't show up at all.

I look at his face, his poor pale face, and realize perhaps that's where his eternal bruised lip came from.

Oh, Will, I-

Thanatos interrupts our thoughts, "And now, Young Reaper, do you realize the trouble we've had to go through to get you to justice? I feel as though we're run all over the universe to find you again."

"Well you didn't exactly have to chase after me, did you? You could've left me to my own devices. It's not my fault you spent so much energy on me," Will retorts. I resist the urge to smile.

Hel rolls her eyes and steps forward, pushing past Anubis and Thanatos. She comes up eerily close to Will and I, and it feels like tundra-dry winds are blowing us back.

"These males are incompetent," she snarls. "Are you aware of how far off balance you've thrown the spiritual world just by breaking a few rules? Those are there for a reason. You're going to burn. It's too late."

Any comforting humor I held at Will's sass immediately vanishes. Hel's voice, raspy and deadly, makes me want to cry just standing here. 

"Actually, it's not too late," another, familiar voice interjects from behind us. "William has the right to go to Heaven. He is qualified to be an angel."

Hel looks up, and Will and I whirl to see Oleander standing there, looking half like he's on the verge of tears and half like he's plotting someone's murder. His cape is wrinkled and his hair, pristine the last few times I'd seen it, is a messy flop on top of his skull.

"What?" Hel exclaims, at the same time as Thanatos booms, "Oleander of Vermont, Gods damn you, what are you doing out of rank? You are an overseer, you cannot interfere in things like this."

Oleander scowls and walks past Will, Hel, and I, his eyes steady on Thanatos. Relief courses through me.

Oh my God, Will thinks. Lila, he wouldn't be here if he hadn't figured out a way to save me.

"I can if you're breaking Heavenly law to unjustly punish my charge," Oleander finally says. "And you are. William has never committed any cardinal sin aside from breaking the rules of being a Reaper. However, this is cancelled out by the fact that he saved Lila's life, giving him the ability to become her guardian angel."

Oleander pivots towards us, his eyebrows lowering. "I know it probably hurts to look back, Lila. But do you know what I'm talking about? Do you remember?"

When Will first told me about guardian angels, I decided there was no chance he could be one. I could never remember him saving my - or anybody else's - life. But that was when we were growing up. There's one moment in time I can hardly remember aside from the horrific visions my mind has supplanted, a moment everyone tells me I'm lucky to have lived through... the accident.

My memories of the crash are split into two: before and after. Before, it was all classic rock, wishful nothings, and a waning night we were trying to save. After, it was blood, glass, and an infernal ringing. A dead boy and a nearly dead girl.

But there's that second in between, when the other car hit us. And I can't remember it for the death of me. It's completely blocked out, a single white instant among all the black and red.

"I-" I take a deep breath. "I have no idea. I'm sorry."

"At the last possible moment, a nanosecond before he was killed, William moved to be in front of you, blocking a specific piece of shrapnel. If he had not done this, the shrapnel would have pierced you right in the temple, killing you as well. Still, it did not, because of his reflexes." Oleander nods at Will.

My skin gets hot and I turn my gaze to Will, who looks as surprised as I am. My mind blocked it out too, he thinks at me. I had no idea I did that.

I- I don't know what to say. I reply. Thank you.

All three of us look back to the Gods, who have regrouped as Oleander comes closer to us. Hel rolls her eyes.

"Yes, well, although that is true," says Thanatos, "You know the Statute of Limitations. If a person saved by their Guardian Angel dies within 10 years of the event, than the qualifications are cancelled out. As long as Lila Cabrera is fated to commit suicide, William Nyquist is fated for hell."

I step forward, narrowing my eyes and steadying my wavering voice as much as I can. "I-I don't care about your asinine bureaucracy. It doesn't matter. Because I want to live." 

Anubis, Oleander, and Hel gasp, as if my decision is just entertaining drama and not something that'll change me forever. Thanatos takes an exasperated breath, like he's biting his tongue. I don't look at Will, though I can practically feel him smiling in surprise.

"Are you sure about that?" Thanatos interrogates. "If we take William now, we can wipe your mind of this whole affair, and have a different reaper take care of your death. There are people waiting for you in Heaven."

"And I'll see them eventually. But there are also people waiting for me here. And I don't want to leave them, not yet."

It terrifies me, but I'm not going to let Will be forgotten, and there's no way to do that from Heaven. I face him, and say with sad determination, "Besides, if Will can't be alive, then I'm going to do my best to keep his legacy alive. If I die now, who's going to keep leaving flowers on his grave?"

Will wipes an inky tear from his eye, and without missing a beat, comes forward to embrace me again. I hug him tightly, trying to block out our surroundings, wishing we were in different circumstances but accepting that there's nothing I can do now.

From behind me, I can hear Oleander's muffled voice say, "If that's her decision, you're obligated to take her off of Death Row."

"I know that," Thanatos snaps. "The Fates will not be pleased that they predicted wrong."

"Well, it's their consequence. They should not neglect the fact that at the end of the day, the living always have free will."

Blocking them out, I focus on my best friend. On those faint undertones of soap in his smell, on his internal warmth and the Indian summer soaring inside him. No matter where I go or what I do, I will never stop missing him. My depression and PTSD will not miraculously get better just because I've decided in the moment not to let death take me yet. But as I think back to everything Will and I have been through, I think, maybe I can get through this too. 

To him, I say mentally, So this is the end?

No, he replies. There will never be an end. You know that. Besides, if I become your guardian angel... I'll be with you, always. I'll be there as you get through this, because I know you can. Keep acting. Move somewhere warm. Make people happy, but always focus on yourself. Don't stop watching the stars. And remember, no matter what, you'll always see me again.

Always. The thought of that comforts me, reminds me that as I continue on through the dreary world I live in, there will always be a ray of sunshine on my side. A Northern Star, guiding me into the unknown. A friend just out of view.

Thank you for being the best friend I could ever ask for, I say.

And thank you for coming to talk to me that first afternoon. It's because of you, and how happy you made my life, that I am able to let it go.

I lift my head from where it was resting in the crook of his shoulder. He puts a hand at my jaw and thumbs my tears away. Out loud, I tell him, "I love you, Will."

"I love you too, Lila. Never forget that."

And with that, we let go.

My soulmate walks away from me, towards the gods. My chest heaves with a sob, making me sway. Oleander, standing next to me, raises a cold hand to my back, trying to stabilize me as I break down.

"All right." Thanatos lifts his chin, looking down at us. "Lila Cabrera Diaz, you are hereby fated to live, unless you become suicidal again. William Nyquist, because of your role in saving Lila previously, and because she now chooses to continue to live, you are free to become her guardian angel. Do you choose this path?"

"I do." Will's voice is shaky.

"Then it is done."

The three death gods lift their right hands and place them on Will. Slowly, then rapidly, his form turns bright white, blinding me. Through the light I can just barely see his wings spreading outward, transforming from black to ivory, his form gaining muscle again, his spirit evanescing.

There's a bang, a Roman candle of heavenly fire, and then everyone is gone.

The Gods, Oleander, and Will - they're all absent within a moment. I'm alone at the top of the mountain, Ashdown below me, ashes in the grass where my angel was just moments before.

But like at the end of so many other nightmares, both real and metaphorical, there's another voice saying my name. "Lila!" it exclaims. "Lila, are you okay?"

I can barely close my jaw, much less move to even acknowledge someone is there. My body is trembling with shock. Will's gone. It went so much faster than I expected.

A hand comes to sit on my shoulder as the voice steps in front of me. Tan skin and dark hair snap me out of my daze, like they always do. My sister is here, her eyes filled with terror.

"Kat?" I whimper. "What-"

"Lila, I saw everything. Mor... Mor was Will all along?"

I blink, and notice her eyes are glossy with tears. "Yeah. Yeah, he was."

"Oh my god. I'm so, so sorry."

To my surprise, she leans in to hug me. She hasn't hugged me since we were kids.

"I thought I was gonna lose you, Li," she whispers, although the more she talks the more volume her voice takes on again. "The minute our call cut out, I followed the car in the direction I saw it go. I figured you were here, considering there's nothing else out this far. I thought you were gonna jump off the mountain or something. I didn't realize you were so deep into... this whole paranormal conspiracy thing. Who were those people? And that man who showed up?"

My sister's concern envelopes me, like a forgotten blanket or simply an old friend. She's one of the reasons I chose to live, one of the people I knew I couldn't leave behind. I spent so many years ignoring her, choosing my other friends over her. Although we've made up and become close again, a few months of traveling and getting along does not make up for the years we've lost.

Before, months ago, I made lists of things I need to do before I died. But now I consider what I need to do with my life. Perform in the school play without any hitches, get back to where Kat and I used to be, take advantage of my mother's promise to be around more often.

And, of course, make Ashdown remember the name and life of Will Nyquist.

"It's a long story," I say after a moment. "I-"

My voice cuts off. I can't choke out any other words. As if I forgot for a moment, which I did not, my mind reminds me in full force that Will is gone, Will is gone, Will is gone. Then I try to tell myself he's not gone, not really. He said he'd always be with me.

This is going to be a tiring battle. My grief and my hope have never gotten along, and I can already see the debate I'll be having with myself every morning for the next few weeks. Will is dead and I will not see him again for many years, but supposedly I'll be able to feel him. I hope so. I have a life time to figure it out.

"It's okay. You can tell me later. For now, we're gonna get you back to Ashdown." Kat's voice is gentle. "It's all right. I'm here. And Will's in Heaven. And you are alive. That's what matters."

Kat lets go of me and takes my arm, leading me back through the Ash Grove, away from the hill top. "Wait," I say, realizing something's not right. "How did you get here? We only have one car."

She grimaces, and slowly reveals, "Macy drove me. She's in the car right now. I didn't tell her why I wanted to come here, so she'll be curious. But you can count on us, all right? You can tell us everything. We're here for you. You are not, nor have you ever been, alone." Her words make my neck go cold.

And it's with those words that I feel the first sign of my guardian angel.

A gust of warm wind, seemingly out of nowhere, blows through like the trail of two wings beating. The fog, formerly so thick on the path, begins to dissipate, to the point that I can see through the tree line to where Macy is waiting in her Jeep. She perks up at the sight of Kat, raising her eyebrows when she sees me.

But I'm not focused on Macy. I'm focused on the subtle presence of him here. I know he is here.

The warm air settles around me, my own personal endless summer returning at last. And it pushes me towards the car, towards Ashdown and the future. Towards my friends and family, towards my town and school and everything beyond that.

Something Kat said earlier echoes back to me, like Will is trying to remind me of the truth. Kat's here. And Will's in Heaven. And I am alive. That's what matters.

When I came back from the cemetery on the 3 month anniversary of my best friend's death, I never expected to find the Grim Reaper sitting on my windowsill. And when I took his hand, I never expected him to make my childhood dreams come true.

It makes me wonder where I'd be without that damn bucket list. If 'Mor' hadn't helped me, would I still want to live? If I hadn't traveled and made up with all my friends, would I have overdosed just as the fates predicted?

They screwed themselves over. They gave me a reaper, and our adventures together in turn helped me learn why I've survived this long.

Nostalgia. Dreams of the future. Anxiety unending. But also fearlessness. After all, I realize, if I survived the Grim Reaper himself, I think I can handle a lot.

I've never truly feared the reaper. I always faced him bravely.

Now, I think it's time I face life bravely, too.

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A/N: All right, this time, I wanna shoutout wizvisionary because she has voted for chapters not only on this, but on some of my other works too! Thank you!

Anyway, this isn't the end, not quite. I'll save the goodbyes for later. There's still an epilogue, and it's arguably way better written then this chapter! So stay tuned for that!

For now I'll say... positive vibes, stay awesome! (Don't I always say that?!)

xoxo, Athena

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