During my time with the First Order, I have to recite to myself a list of things, important things, that I have to remember.

One: my name is Amara Galavan.

Two: I am impersonating a Sith apprentice, though the term is not really used in the First Order. My loyalty belongs to the Jedi.

Three: my undercover mission is to bring Ben Solo back to the Light.

Four: I must not get too deep undercover and fail my mission.

Five: Despite Ben's company in training, I am alone within the First Order.

So far, the list has five items. I'm sure before this mission is over, whether it be a success or failure, the list will grow.

I recite my list in the morning and before I sleep for the night. The longer I've been undercover, the more I began to deem it necessary to remind myself of who I am and what my purpose here is.

Ben does not lead me to the cafteria this morning. Since I have the path memorized, I go solo (no pun intended). It's very empty, so I must be up at an early hour.

"Oh, General," I drawl when I see Hux, "I didn't realize you ate food. I just assumed from all of your backbreaking work you used the oxygen in the air."

"Your comebacks have worsened, Galavan," Hux sneers in my direction.

"Says the man whose hair looks like it's on fire. Has it ever been set on fire?"

"I don't have time to exchange quips with you. Unlike you, I have an important job to do."

"Yes, standing around and doing nothing. Such an important job."

Grumbling, Hux saunters out. I choose to not eat in the empty space, I retreat back to my room and eat in peace there. One of these days, I should make a day dedicated to just picking at Hux. He seems to distrust me, which he has every right to. I've given him incentive to dislike me.

Well, the feeling's certainly mutual after he called me a prisoner my first day here.

Just as I leave my room to head for training, I almost run into Ben.

"You've tweaked my general's nerves, Amara," he says sourly. "Must you?"

"He gets under my skin, so it's only fair that I lash out. It's not my fault he has a problem with me. He needs to accept that I'm not going anywhere."

"Be careful on whose toes you step on. Just because you are my apprentice does not mean you can go around harassing others in the First Order. Is that understood?"

"Fine, but you're no fun. You probably do it once in a while but just won't tell me because that would encourage the bad behavior."

We take our normal route to our usual training room. As usual, droids and troopers pass on by without a care about our presence. We don't even get nods of acknowledgement from the men in white. I find it a bit disrespectful.

"This may be far away still, but, when will I get my lightsaber privilege back?" I ask nonchalantly.

"We may have you construct new ones. We may have to travel to collect kyber crystals. We'll have to do some digging to see."

Ah, yes, the search for the kyber crystals. It's the crystal that gives the lightsaber its color. It's been said that in order for the Sith to change a crystal's color to red, they have to make it "bleed" and bend it to their will. I'm not sure if it's possible to turn a crystal that already has a designated color.

"Ones? As in, I'd be getting two?"

"You seem to be apt wielding two rods. I don't see why two lightsabers would be much different."

We enter our usual training room. Like always, the rods lay propped against their designated wall. I mock bow to Ben, and he mimics me. Lately, I've started the habit, but I have no idea why or how. Ben made the decision to mirror me after he realized it was a new thing I was doing.

Like normal, I am the one to call the rods from their lax positions. As they fly though, they stop midway. Behind me, Ben is preventing my rods from hitting into my hands. Frowning, I pull more with the Force, coaxing my practice weapons towards me.

Suddenly, the rods shoot out at me. I duck instead of catching my normal two. Ben catches his usual one with no problem. My weapons loudly clang against the floor.

"Rude," I mumble under my breath as I pick up my rods. "Are you sure this is teaching, or is this playtime for you?"

"Excuse me?"

"Lately it seems as though you're not taking this seriously. The Supreme Leader gave you a serious task, Ren."

"I can assure you, Galavan, I am taking this seriously. This actually gives me a break from the other things I'm doing."

"Show me how serious you are, then."

Ben does, making the first move. I parry his attack easily. My footwork is a little sloppy today, my legs aren't coordinating with my mind it seems. Ben takes notice and tries to aim for them. I bat him away.

Just as he charges for me, without thinking of how much a failure it will be, I try the Force Freeze (I've deemed it that, I doubt there is an official name for it). It lasts for about five seconds before I have to switch back to using my rods.

"It seems as though you want to try to learn today," he mocks me.

I shove him away. "It would seem so."

"Well, then let's see what you can do." He steps backwards before circling me. I hold my defensive position, awaiting his move.

When Ben charges, I attempt the Force Freeze again. It holds a little longer, but he breaks it so fast. We get into a cycle: he charges, I try to stop him, I fail. Charge, attempt to stop, failure. Charge, attempt to stop, failure.

Charge, attempt to stop, failure.

"Stop breaking out of it!" I shout, frustrated.

Ben chuckles. "I'm not breaking out of it, Amara. You can't hold it for very long. Your concentration is severely lacking. We need to change that. Find an anchor and don't let it slip."

"Easier said than done."

"It will be easy both ways once you control it. Let's continue."

The more attempts he tries, and the more I fail, the more my frustration with this exercise goes. It probably took Ben forever to master this trick. How does he expect me to master it within just one practice?

He expects too much of me. Am I expecting too much of myself in this whole thing? I've barely cracked the surface into bringing Ben Solo back and shooing away Kylo Ren. All I've done is step into a routine within the First Order.

"Concentrate, Amara," Ben says to me sharply, snapping me from my panicked thoughts. "Focus on your task. Stop daydreaming."

I scowl. "Not daydreaming, Ren."

"Prove it to me."

This time, as he charges, I drop both rods and focus solely on Freezing him. He stops midstride, I see his body begin to tremble with effort to break my hold. Don't let him break it. Don't let him overpower you.

"Good," he says in a strained tone.

It feels like eons as he remains in place like a shaking statue. I dare to take steps closer. A creeping thought enters my mind, one that will most certainly get me into trouble with Ben, as well as the Supreme Leader most likely, if word gets back to him.

I have Ben stuck, so really, what if I stepped up a level and tried to enter his mind? It'd be a one-time revenge deal, I'd most certainly never do it again. Hell, depending on the consequences if I'm successful may make sure I never do it again.

I won't know until I try. Besides, this could be the best way to understand how Ben Solo fell and Kylo Ren rose. I don't expect Ben to tell me the origin of his fall to the Dark. We don't have the friendship we used to have at the Academy; this is strictly teacher-apprentice.

My head tilts slowly one way as I hit a strong barrier.

"Amara," he says in a warning tone. "Stand down."

"Should I, though?" I ask softly. "You invaded my head first, Ren. I think it's only fair that I take a peek and see what I can dig up."

"I'll classify it as insubordination."

"You're not my commanding officer."

"No, but in this case, I am considered your master. You do not disobey me. You do not violate my privacy."

"If you didn't violate mine, this would not be happening right now. You asked for this when you dug through just to piss me off. This is on you."

"Amara!" he thunders. My hold on him does not waver.

Does he want me to dig through his mind? I know for a fact he can easily break my hold if he so chooses. I'm waiting for it, actually. But it's not happening. I can't have that strong of a hold on him, can I? I don't feel like I do.

I need to take advantage of this before I lose it.

Through the Force, I try to find holes in his barrier. Maybe a long way around it—which there is none. I got to break down the damn wall. I know it was painful on the receiving end on the digging; I'm not sure what to expect when I am the one searching for answers.

When I do break down the wall, what I see horrifies me. They're quick flashes, but it's just enough to scare me.

At first, I think he's reversed my intentions and he's digging through my head again, but this perspective is different.

I'm seeing the night the Academy fell through Ben's eyes. Only...it starts a bit before the fire in the Temple started.

Flashes of Master Skywalker, standing over a sleeping form in his bed. The master's green saber lit, ready to...strike the boy down? When the boy stirs and sits up, I gasp.

It's Ben.

My knees buckle when Ben brings his place down on himself and Master Skywalker. The rage surges through me—phantom rage, as it's not my own, but Ben's. The rest is him destroying all of Master Skywalker's hard work.

"Enough!"

It feels like a punch to my skull, when I catapult from Ben's mind. My Force Freeze on him has vanished all together. He's down on one knee, sweat fresh on his brow. He looks at me in disgust and...are my eyes deceiving me when I think he looks betrayed?

"No one gets into my head, ever," he spits venomously. "We're done." He gets to both feet.

"Ren!" I sputter. In a brash reaction, still on both knees, I grab for his arm. He in turn grabs for my throat with his gloved hand. He looks more menacing when he glowers down at me.

"I said we're done."

The pressure on my throat disappears, and Ben storms out of our training room, rods long abandoned on the floor. I fall to my ass, my hands against my head.

What have I just subjected myself to?