My body felt the coldness enveloping the entire and every part of it, the numbness, it was not good, it was a bad idea troubling them if I don't control myself, gripping my hands so tight that it made marks in my palms, when I let go I felt blood dripping from it.

How can I endure this? How much long? Every question wasn't answerable, not even a word. I can't hear my surroundings, nor I don't even care if they're all glancing at me because my tears were Dripping from my face.

I'm just tired, I'm fucking tired, let's stop this, this feelings... I wished I didn't realized it.

I turned around in the opposite direction leaving the person that I've saw, trying to stop my tears from falling, wiping it over and over again yet I can't, even my tears are for him, my heart, my whole existence were for him, how deep are this feelings?

The suffocating feeling was still there, every step I take was so heavy, every breath I let out was hard, my feelings are heavy, everything is heavy, my eyes, my body, just... Help me, please let me forget about him.

I walked so fast not even caring about the people I've been bumping, it doesn't matter now that I'm dead inside.

"Guanlin?" I heard someone call my name the person was holding my wrist so I stopped walking, but I'm not facing that person yet I was scared to look who is it, it was too familiar, that I've known for the longest time now.

"G-Guanlin, do you hear me?" I know it was him, how come he saw me through those crowd, I didn't even called out to him, why is he talking to me like there's nothing happened between us, and what happened to the guy you're with?

Just how dense you are Jihoon?

"Yeah I can hear you." I managed to answer him but I still won't face him.

"You see, about what happened betwee-"

"Never Mind about that I'm going home okay? Have fun hyung." I felt his hand letting go of my wrist, but stayed there for a second waiting for his answer. What so it's like this, I'm just nothing to you that you don't even care about me leaving you? I'm fine with that.

"Y-yeah, go home safely." I can hear his trembling voice at my back, but I injured not looking at him, as I finally felt his presence fades, I know that this will be the last time I could be that close to him, the last time that I will touch him.

His hands, or his face when I'm teasing him will be gone now.

I curled up in front of the crowd, hiding my face between my knees enduring everything I've done until know, how useless those things are, my effort. So I was just killing myself over and over again.

My tears burst out more, the pain wasn't fading, it was in my heart.

See I know I won't be able to see your smile anymore, starting now, that it belongs to someone else.

Can I say my final goodbye to you Jihoon hyung?

--

"How did it go... Jihoon are you okay?" Sungwoon hyung's very calming and soothing voice asked me.

"N-No, he didn't even gave me the chance to speak." As I said to him while I'm stuttering, I thought that if I'm the one who's gonna give the initiative to talk first then everything would be okay, but I was wrong.

Im so naive, but where did I get wrong?

I hate the fact that Guanlin hates me now, and how cold he is now to me, he's warmth I cannot feel it anymore when we talked.

I felt Sungwoon's hyung hands comforting me from the back by tapping it, My tears has finally out over flowing like a broken faucet.

"I-I'm s-sorry Sungwoon Hyung, I-I shouldn't have w-wated your t-time." As I managed to speak out, he continued tapping my back to make me at ease.

"It's okay, I'm glad that I can comfort you here, everythings is gonna be fine, okay? You two just need some time." He encourage me to.

I was silent after that, tears were falling to my face, It's my fault isn't it? How can I make Guanlin forgive me? I want Guanlin, now that I realized my feelings for him but what I want to happen isn't happening, it's the opposite.

" Sungwoon, what's happening... Oh why's Jihoon crying?" Now it's Woojin's voice, I can hear the both of them bickering but still comforting me, I wish i didn't cause any trouble for this two.

"Woojin, let me explain later, Jihoon needs some comfort for now." Sungwoon hyung trying to calm Woojin and it was successful, since I felt woojin is now by my side.

"Fine, lets go home, we look like an idiot in here, 3 idiots to be specific." Woojin's words were the last from our lips then we finally left the place, I stopped crying in the middle of our way back to their apartment but still the pain was there.

I want everything to be okay, mostly with Guanlin.